F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Izzo


This Xmas has had to be the worst I've ever experienced. It started with such hope - my daughter was given leave from IP because she was managing breakfast and lunch and she managed her breakfast and lunch at home (back to the unit for dinner). So Xmas day was as good as it could be until I decided to go for a walk in the woods with her stepfather and my D. 

Suddenly my D's mood turned very dark and my husband started to say that she needed to go back into hospital. I told him that I would walk my daughter through this and perhaps he should leave at this point. Unfortunately we seemed to catch up with him but he kept telling me that he would insist that she go back to the hospital. My daughter felt panicked and the dark mood turned darker and soon she was screaming at me and ran away. I turned round to run after her but my husband ran back caught her, pulled her to the ground, she told him to F off  and he screamed at her that he would rather not see her ever again. By this time we were both in tears and my D said that it would be better for her to go back to the unit rather than this. 

On the way back to the unit I have to confess that I cried some of the way and told her that she would always come first and that I wanted her at home. The unit felt that she would be better staying at the hospital. 

Since that episode my D has made several ligature attempts and is back on 1:1 so now she has no leave at all. I also learnt that she hasn't been taking her meds for three weeks (lamotragen) so her mood swings have been returning. She is refusing meds = and so now has them forced through her NG tube. She has been in the unit since October and keeps saying that she wants to be transferred. 

Again feel hopeless. Trying to stay as strong as possible but sometimes I feel as though the madness of this illness is taking over and I don't know what anything is anymore. I am extremely angry with husband for losing control of himself as he did. Because she is not his blood relative it seems as though he didn't care about the implications of his actions. 

So fed up - waiting for the next bit of progress for my daughter as this just seems like one hell of a bad blip. 

BTW Xmas day was also her 15th birthday - so double whammy of trouble. 








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meadow
Oh gosh Izzo, that sounds absolutely terrible. I really feel for you. I'm still so new to all of this that I don't really have any words of wisdom I can offer you. However, what I'm learning from the others on this forum is that it IS possible to bounce back from dark days, that everyone makes mistakes sometimes (I'm sure your husband will come to 'get it' eventually), and that there there is most definitely hope. It sounds as though you are really tuned in to your d's needs. Big virtual hugs, keep going, you're amazing x
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Francie
Hi Izzo,
I'm so sorry that your Christmas day included such an awful moment between your d and her stepdad. This illness saps the patience and energy from the best of caretakers from time to time and your h sounds like he's exhausted and overwhelmed and you yourself sound frustrated, too.

A big pat on the back to you for keeping things together as best you could. Your instincts were right to attempt to separate h and d during the walk.

Just remember that things will get better. Hang on to that hope. Your love for your d will work wonders in getting her better. And keep h and your d separate for awhile. Sometimes biological relatives don't understand so well, either. This is such a complex illness. 

Thinking of you. XO

Francie

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Penny31
How awful for you all. Really sorry your Xmas turned out like that. Not sure what to say, other than to offer hugs. How are things with your husband now? It's only human to lose it with our ED sufferers from time to time, so I hope he's able to reflect on what he's done and can try to control his emotions next time. If there is a next time, of course. I sincerely hope that there isn't. x
14 year-old D diagnosed with AN in March 2016. Episodes of self-harming, anxiety, severe depression. Waiting for a CAMHS assessment to see if there's an additional diagnosis. 
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Francie
One more thing, Izzo, sometimes it can be overwhelming to take the 'whole thing' in at once. That is, to view your d's illness as something that fills the past, present and future with no end in sight.

Do you have Al anon where you are? I have found Al anon to be helpful in calming my anxiety and keeping things in perspective even though at times I 'lose it' also. Maybe your h might find it helpful to get involved.

Here are some al anon slogans that might be helpful to you/him now:

One Day at a Time 
Progress, not Perfection
This Too Shall Pass

And the Serenity Prayer:
God, Grant me the Serenity to 
Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and
The wisdom to know the difference.

Thinking of you. Hang in there, give yourself some space to breathe and know you are doing your best. XO

Francie

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Izzo
Thanks for your replies - yes AlAnon should be near me - and perhaps I'll consider it - my main worry is getting her home again and repairing the awkward relationship between my D and H
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mjkz
It can be hard to balance what everyone needs.  It sounds like your hubby saw daughter's mood getting worse and panicked and it all went downhill from there. 

Just to try to see this from another perspective, do you think maybe he was right in her needing to go back?  If she is off her meds and having mood swings, maybe you would have ended up in the same spot with needing to take her back sooner than planned.  I'm not excusing her behavior or hubby's because it sounds like both were out of line.

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It's only human to lose it with our ED sufferers from time to time,


Amen to this.  I think the hard part is to move on and forgive yourself as well as the others involved. 

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On the way back to the unit I have to confess that I cried some of the way and told her that she would always come first and that I wanted her at home. The unit felt that she would be better staying at the hospital.


Eds love to divide and conquer.  I would hate to see you end up in a position of having to choose daughter VS hubby because I think everyone loses then.  While hubby may have reacted badly, daughter did too so maybe this was a big blip that will lead to better things.  Will you have an opportunity to process all of this with staff at the hospital with daughter and hubby?
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NELLY_UK
Hi i have a fiery husband who is my d's dad and his behaviour is often appalling verbally. I stick up for my d to an extent and tell her she doesnt have the monopoly on having temper tantrums. I also have to stay calm and tell my h off when he has gone too far. I often end up shouting to shut him up. Its a nightmare. Usually my d and h apologise to each other and she has a hug with me.
The anger outbursts really dont help her and set her back but we have stopped tip toeing around her. If ever there has been physical contact like restraining or violence then it is unacceptable dangerous and its assault. It has to stop. Either the police or a psych needs to step in. You husband cannot use physical force on your d. He needs help to understand that possibly.
If it happens again you have to stay calm amd firm and may have to treat it as assault to defend your sick daughter. The unit also need to risk assess before granting leave again.
If your d assaults anyone on the unit they usually call police.
I am sorry it came to this for you.
Yes its hard. Things will get better but they may get worse first. The journey is never a straight line. One step forwards then two back. But physical force / assault is never acceptable from anyone no matter how angry they are.
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear Izzo,

The situation with your H kind of sounds like a reaction I might have done way back in the early days before we found our special educator & before I found this place & also before I rembered my time with Alateen & Alanon dealing with my dads alcoholism.

Try & get your H to read some of my posts.

One of the thinks that has helped our D is her partner's way of not buying into stress/anxiety/darkness & just letting our d sit with it & work her own way through it.

ED Dad
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aloha
E.d will do and say anything
I have to pick my battles as have shorter fuse.
If ye can separate your daughter from her illness it helps a fair bit
It is how I deal with it most of the time my daughter will say anything to get out of eating
The self loathing she is experiencing in her thoughts are so powerful that it is likely she is unable to express anything rationally
With you in spirit had pretty low points of a Christmas too. Hopefully new year be better to us all.

A.
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Torie
Oh dang what a miserable way to spend Christmas and your d's birthday.  Sucks so much.  I had started writing a reply earlier but was interrupted and didn't know what to say anyway.  I still don't, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your d (and your h).  Sending strength, hugs, and warm wishes across the miles. Hang in there. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Izzo
Thanks for all your responses - I'm guessing there was some sense to my D returning to the unit because of her refusal to take meds - it just feels so disappointing- also feel annoyed with my D because if she took her meds we might have avoided such a situation - yes I know about the divisiveness of ED - it's a tough one and it really pulls me apart -

Definitely going to deal with these issues over the coming weeks
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Jasmine1
so sorry to hear this and just want to say keep the hope. Put this episode in the past and learn and move on from it. Unfortunately none of us are perfect people and when placed under incredible stress it's easy to let rip and fire off words said in the moment. Not necessary meant but like an explosion of words under stress. I'm completely the most passive non aggressive person yet during my daughters illness I threw a stool against the wall that it broke and then said ' f..k this' to my hub and walked out!! I was back a few hours later!!! So yes your partner probably didn't react the best way he could have but sometimes we have to learn, move on and forgive. I also found Eva Musby's book very helpful to try and think of supportive things to say and stay calm. I only wish I was like that all the time but this illness pushes the whole family to the edge of what they can tolerate. But it might be worth getting it for him or watching some of the videos on this website of how to react and what to say.
Keep the hope. We had our worst Christmas 2 years ago and one of the best this year. Recovery is possible. And please look after yourself too. Thinking of you x
Daughter was age 11 when she started restricting Aug 2014, admitted to paed ward Dec 2014 for low BP, pulse rate and spent 3 weeks there. As they were about to NG tube her, she decided to eat again. After approx. 1.5 years on a meal plan and lots of toil, sweat and tears she is weight restored and has just been discharged from NHS care. It's been a very slow traumatic process but each day we are making progress.
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mjkz
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it just feels so disappointing- also feel annoyed with my D because if she took her meds we might have avoided such a situation -


I hear you.  I really wish the day had turned out differently for you.  I will say though that there is always hope.  This was a blip in the road but now you know what you are dealing with and can face it head on.  You didn't have that option before because you didn't know about not taking the meds, etc.  You can't face what you don't know.

Christmas has always been a hard season for me because I want things to be okay so much but they never seem to turn out the way I want them too.  I see all the Christmas movies about the perfect families and how they celebrate and it is a very vivid reminder every year that I don't have the perfect family and my Christmas will never match the picture I see. That doesn't mean however that it can't be just as good.  Just different.
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Izzo
Yes there is definitely the pressure to have a good Xmas - my D has had AN now for 18 months - learning all the time about the extent of the trouble that I face with this illness - however always get the sense that my D seems worse & more resistant to treatment than any other girl on the unit ....
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mjkz
There is a certain competitiveness I've seen many times play out on wards between people with eds to prove he/she is sicker than the next person.  Very scary and not helpful at all.  One of the downsides to inpatient treatment.  It can be so hard to control.  My daughter always said the staff were stupid. They never hung out where the patients smoked and so all the "forbidden" conversations took place on the smoking porch or lounge.

I have a friend who is  a heroin addict who says she sees exactly the same thing happen when people are in treatment for their addiction.  The amount  they used per day would grow exponentially with each telling.
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Izzo
Tell me about it - I so wish she wouldn't get roped into that - I think my d could even be happy that she's on 1:1 because it proves she's not getting any better - not sure how this cycle will ever change while she's locked in there ........hence hopelessness
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Izzo
my d is very aware of the competition to be the sickest and yet she can't seem to get out of it ....
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Foodsupport_AUS
So sorry that it turned out the way it did. I understand the sense of hopelessness that nothing will ever improve and the sense that D seems to be in the competition to be the sickest. It can and does get better. The changes can take so long for some, for my D I would say it took around 3 and a half years for me to feel that I was not needing to manage things all day every day. She was suicidal most of that time, self harming, required full monitoring for eating - nothing went in if it was not required, and required supervision to help keep her physically safe too. The changes when they occurred were so small that unless you looked at very big time spans, six or 12 months, nothing seemed to change. We still don't have full recovery now, but I do now have a child who wants to live, and enjoys life, eats without being required to, and is turning into a wonderful young woman. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Mostly recovered 10 years later.  Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Izzo
That does sound hopeful and I hope your D gets as full a recovery as she can - my D has times when she is full of ambition for making her life better and I feel so happy for her when it seems she has can turn things around. However I am getting to the point that I take these with a pinch of salt as I still think she's at the "I can make changes tomorrow " stage sadly. And yes I also have to take the longer term view all the time - see progression in several month terms like you did or I would despair.
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