F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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gutted
Hi there. I really wish i was elsewhere, but here I am. I have recently discovered that my beautiful and talented 18 year old daughter Alex has an eating disorder.
She has admitted her purging habits but says she is in control and denies she has a problem. She is wanting to return to university in 4 weeks time to be with her friends and study. I will do anything it takes to prevent her from returning so that we can get help and get her life back on track! HELP! I have tried gentle persuasion and holding out the olive branch but she refuses to listen and is determined to return.
When i urged her see her doctor she said she would jump off a bridge before she sought help from a doctor!
I have been advised to keep a watch on her after meals to make sure shes not purging. Unfortunately 3 days ago she reacted angrily towards me when i tried to stop her from going for a run at 10.30pm!!
After that episode she scurried off to her dads where she has been since. Dad is aware of the situation but unfortunately not taking it seriously and he is not communicating with me whilst Alex is in his care!! This makes me feel sick and out of control! Yes he may be in denial, but damn he needs to act before everything spirals out of control!!
I would love some thoughts or advice.
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Sotired
Hi Kibral,sorry you had to join us here,but we can give you lots of support and the more tech savvy here will be able to guide you to resources.as each country has different guidelines could you tell us where you are so that our advice is actually effective.for example I'm in NZ and the rules here are different from say the states or UK.this is a really hard situation to be in so make sure you have a doctor who can guide you well.to get my very resistant d into treatment has required sectioning under the mental health act.this way she could be treated regardless of how she (the anorexia really) felt about it.i feel for you,it is hard with older ones,but certainly not impossible.cheers,
Sotired42
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gutted
Thank You for your quick response. Im still trying to find my way around the place here! Im in NZ also..great part of the world!
Yes we have a lovely GP, I have been to talk with her however we are just waiting for my daughter to be willing to visit her. Thats the hard part!
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Sotired
Kia ora !
There are a few of us kiwis online and they will pop along to introduce themselves I'm sure.here in NZ the services you are looking for are REDS,the Regional Eating Disorder services.the support group is EDANZ.
The inpatient facility is Thrive.this is if you are in Auckland or up north.if you are in the South Island I'm not sure what you have available though I do know that Ashburne is your inpatient facility.
In NZ if your d refuses treatment is not eating or drinking in sufficient quantities and is a danger to herself you have a couple of options.you can ring the crisis line and they can come and do an assessment of your ds mental state.if they are worried they will most probably recommend the child and family unit (CFU).there are two parts to CFU,the unlocked ward and the locked ward,our d has been in both as she had severe self harm and suicide ideation.we took her threat of suicide very seriously,called the crisis team,they came out and sectioned her and they are the ones who took her to CFU with them where she was placed in the locked ward.
Exes are difficult to get on side is my understanding,but with this process underway he would have to take it seriously.and it is very serious.this illness isn't a choice,even though sometimes it feels like it.do you have brothers or sisters who could help you get your d in the car for an immediate assessment.?i actually had no compunction in saying to my d that either she got in our car to go to the hospital for assessment or the police would take her but either way she was going.i got as far as dialling the number before she believed me.she got in the car.you can tell your ex this if he becomes belligerent,that you will send the police or ambulance to his place,but either way your d is getting an assessment done.these are just my thoughts on your situation,if other people have more insight they will let you know.i just wanted to give you some kickoff points.
Sotired42
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gutted
Okay..got you
Im hoping that i never have to come to the point of forcing her in the car to take her to hospital, however if she continues to stay with her dad and he refuses to take the matter seriously the chances are likely. I will continue to try and persuade her to visit our GP. I just worry sick about what may develop!
It sounds like you have been to hell and back! What an amazing mum you are.
Grateful for your advice.
Kibral
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JustFlippinEatItNZ
Hi kibral, I'm in Auckland too, 17yo daughter. Does your daughter live in a flat or a hostel during term? It must be really scary if she goes away to uni, where you can't keep an eye on her. If you're the one paying for it you have a bit more control over the situation. I don't know how to get an 'adult' child to get checked out by a doctor, and many doctors are inexperienced with eating disorders - ours just said to try to eat more and come back in a month. Not helpful! She was in starship with unstable obs before the month was up. I guessential calling the mental health crisis team and asking them to come and assess her is a good way to get the ball rolling if she refuses to go and get checked out. it helps to have a support person with you though, as it's a bit intense and you need to be a bit atrophy on the phone to get any action out of them. If her weight is ok then you really need blood tests done, as they can often show if purging is happening.
Hope this helps!
19yo D, AN since Sept 2014. Was wt restored for a year or two but now starving again, refusing treatment or to admit she has a problem. BMI guesstimate around 13 or 14. Has left home.
Very sad Mum.
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Sotired
One of the reasons you will need to push really hard for this gp appointment is that it is vital,as your daughter does purge,that her potassium levels are checked out as this can and does affect the heart.she will also need an orthostatic heart rate done,this is a lying down to standing heart rate.
My d is a purger and it has its challenges.i don't want to scare you so much that you don't come back here but I know how hard it can be to get a teen to treatment.i know that there are things you say to yourself you couldn't do,but I have found that nothing is too hard when I'm faced with the alternative.i moan about having to do it but I accept it has to be done.i have had periods of time that my d hasn't spoken to me because of this but she always comes back to me-no one else will do her washing,lol.
At the moment I have just put my d in hospital again,with the right support from your gp,it can be done.the MHA is there if you need it.im just giving you the tools you need to enforce treatment,but it is a process so if you think that is what you will need please do check with your gp how to get the process started.sorry I can't help you there as our MHA times were all while my d was in treatment,not at the beginning of the journey.
I use whatever tools I have in my toolbox and I know you will too. Good luck,
Sotired42
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Linedupandwaiting
When our s developed an ED, it was me who spotted it and began to understand its seriousness. The GP didn't "get it" so we had an uphill battle, but one of the worst things was that my H was not convinced initially. I joined the forum and bought and read as much as I could on the topic. I bombarded my H with each new piece of info about the importance of each little symptom and eventually the light came on with him! Once we were on the same page, there was nowhere for our S's ED to hide and we took control. It was vital that we both did and said the same thing, so I would work on your H as well.
Eternally hopeful
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gutted
JustFlippinEatItNZ wrote:
Hi kibral, I'm in Auckland too, 17yo daughter. Does your daughter live in a flat or a hostel during term? It must be really scary if she goes away to uni, where you can't keep an eye on her. If you're the one paying for it you have a bit more control over the situation. I don't know how to get an 'adult' child to get checked out by a doctor, and many doctors are inexperienced with eating disorders - ours just said to try to eat more and come back in a month. Not helpful! She was in starship with unstable obs before the month was up. I guessential calling the mental health crisis team and asking them to come and assess her is a good way to get the ball rolling if she refuses to go and get checked out. it helps to have a support person with you though, as it's a bit intense and you need to be a bit atrophy on the phone to get any action out of them. If her weight is ok then you really need blood tests done, as they can often show if purging is happening.
Hope this helps!
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gutted
Thank you for your reply. My daughter is suppose to be returning to auckland university in early march. She has a flat organised with friends that shared a room in halls last year. She cant wait to go but i will do my best to stop her. We have only just discovered her condition. I figure its been going on for 18 months now, all last year whilst she was at uni! She is moody and vomiting up food, using epsom salts as laxative and the other day found antacid liquid in her bag. She is over exercising!
She is staying with her dad at the moment and he is not taking this seriously and giving her the care that she so desperately needs!
He certainly will not support me in my decision to keep her home from university for a semester.
I havnt even started my ordeal of caring for her because im battling with him!!

Grateful for your reply :-)
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gutted
Linedupandwaiting wrote:
When our s developed an ED, it was me who spotted it and began to understand its seriousness. The GP didn't "get it" so we had an uphill battle, but one of the worst things was that my H was not convinced initially. I joined the forum and bought and read as much as I could on the topic. I bombarded my H with each new piece of info about the importance of each little symptom and eventually the light came on with him! Once we were on the same page, there was nowhere for our S's ED to hide and we took control. It was vital that we both did and said the same thing, so I would work on your H as well.
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gutted
Oh yes, im trying im tryng! Us mothers are so switched on to things are we not? Im proud of myself for spotting my daughters condition when i did. My husband would still have his head in the sand lol
Appreciate your reply :-)
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gutted
Sotired wrote:
One of the reasons you will need to push really hard for this gp appointment is that it is vital,as your daughter does purge,that her potassium levels are checked out as this can and does affect the heart.she will also need an orthostatic heart rate done,this is a lying down to standing heart rate.
My d is a purger and it has its challenges.i don't want to scare you so much that you don't come back here but I know how hard it can be to get a teen to treatment.i know that there are things you say to yourself you couldn't do,but I have found that nothing is too hard when I'm faced with the alternative.i moan about having to do it but I accept it has to be done.i have had periods of time that my d hasn't spoken to me because of this but she always comes back to me-no one else will do her washing,lol.
At the moment I have just put my d in hospital again,with the right support from your gp,it can be done.the MHA is there if you need it.im just giving you the tools you need to enforce treatment,but it is a process so if you think that is what you will need please do check with your gp how to get the process started.sorry I can't help you there as our MHA times were all while my d was in treatment,not at the beginning of the journey.
I use whatever tools I have in my toolbox and I know you will too. Good luck,
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gutted
What a courageous mother you are!
I have my tool box packed!
Thank you
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