F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

mid73 Show full post »
MKR
Oh dear, I know it's tough, open plan kitchens are a nightmare... Good on you to prepare pasta out of view!  I cooked like crazy all night while D was asleep.

Oh, the scene at the table! I feel for you. But hang in there!  Yes you are challenging the ED. Have a new snack ready for each discarded one.

I got a tip from here about aubergines, they soak up heaps of oil and taste better the more I put in.

Can your daughter have peanut butter? It's a moore-ish thing, so she might have a lot at snack time.

Does she have her own snacks stashed away in her room? It's part of ED behaviour. Maybe she is having some of those. But let her know they can not replace the snacks that you give her.

Another idea is to use as much DISTRACTION at meals as possible. Food thoughts can be overwhelming. It was sooo hard to steer the conversation away from food/ calories/ bad/ fattening etc.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
Quote
ValentinaGermania
mid73 wrote:
I think she needs a higher level of care. I’d made her a pasta dish out if view but she got scared by the amount of it. It was physically no bigger than she’s always eaten. I’ll keep trying and  I’m only letting her do things when she’s eaten. I need to close school loop hole this week. 


This is needed I fear. Try to watch it a few days and if its getting worse call cahms next week. It is no failure to ask for more help.
Keep her at home unless she has eaten all meals and snacks the day before and think about taking her home for lunch if possible. Oh dang, it is such a mean disease...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Torie
mid73 wrote:
I cannot get more calories in, as I got punched in the arm repeatedly yesterday when I tried. Ugh 


Ugh indeed.  This vile illness is the worst, and I think you may be right about needing a higher level of care.  

In any case, it is not okay for her to punch you.  Can you explain that everyone in the house needs to be physically safe and you will need to call the police if she is violent?  I'm sure she felt terrible that ED made her do that to you - there is so much shame with ED.  It is in her interest, too, to stop that.

I was caring for my mom recently, who is 103.  It was physically exhausting and psychologically taxing.  I kept thinking of all my FEASTIE friends and how much tougher your job is than that in oh so many ways.  Wow.  All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Thinking of you. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote
mid73
Thank you Torie. It’s very hard. I haven’t managed to get her to a GP or CAMHS yet. She has a GP  appointment soon but if I can’t get her to that I don’t know what I do! I don’t feel hopeful given my experience last time that I can turn this around. The Anorexia is very strong. However I will continue to try. At least last tine she would go to appointments and accepted IP admission 
Quote
sandie
@mid73, thinking about your situation this morning. It is worrying as she is 17 and cahms is just up to 18 and you are right, there is much more funding and focus on young peoples’ Ed in uk. I saw waiting list data in news recently for adult services. I think it was something like 18 weeks. When does your D turn 18?
i think you need to escalate now and get support from young people’s service whilst you can, which may mean iP and insist on robust transition to adult services. I know this is really hard when your D is refusing to engage. 
Could you ask for a case conference with cahms and gp and your D if she will go to come up with plan to get her support she needs? “Monitoring by gp” does not sound like support. 
What level of community service are you in contact with- is it tier3? Could you ask whether 
Tier 4 could offer support? If she won’t go to cahms, could a home visit be arranged? 
I am not an expert and have not been in your situation so I am just trying to suggest ideas that occur to me.
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
Quote
sandie
Could you get school involved as well? Are they in picture? As your D is engaging in school, perhaps they might have some influence with expressing their concerns to your D also/ referring her to cahms and expecting she attends. So that you build a momentum to clarify the requirement to engage in treatment
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
Quote
mid73
Thanks Sandie. School is aware. I’m going to speak to the year head again and I think maybe they do have to speak to her directly now. She’s not 18 until next summer so we have a bit of time which is why I’m very keen to take action. I shall phone CAMHS again tomorrow.
Quote
Kali
Dear Mid73,

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling right now and that you are becoming more and more worried. 
If she is too ill to be able to increase her food intake at home despite your efforts, then you are right, she may need to step up to a higher level of care. If she is punching you when you try to feed her, and throwing things as you mention, then this clearly shows an escalation of the illness. She was inpatient previously and that was helpful, how much weight do you figure she has lost since then? 

It is a good idea to get in touch with CAMHS tomorrow. 

My daughter was also 17 when she was the most ill, and it is a difficult age. I used to think that first there is the normal teenage lack of insight about the consequences of risky behavior and then added on to the eating disorder lack of insight about the consequences of not eating. A powerful and destructive combination.

It is possible to turn things around though. Perhaps it could be a good idea to write down what is happening at home; detailing exactly how little she is eating each day and when/how she refuses/throws things/ lashes out and share it privately with the GP and CAMHS so that they understand fully how the situation is deteriorating? 

And, in the meantime, of course, keep trying to get as much food into her as possible.

warmly,

Kali
Food=Love
Quote
ValentinaGermania
mid73 wrote:
Thank you Torie. It’s very hard. I haven’t managed to get her to a GP or CAMHS yet. She has a GP  appointment soon but if I can’t get her to that I don’t know what I do! I don’t feel hopeful given my experience last time that I can turn this around. The Anorexia is very strong. However I will continue to try. At least last tine she would go to appointments and accepted IP admission 


Can you get a male adult family member around to help you get her there? Many of us needed that to get the kids into the car. Do not forget to lock the car doors.
If she does not know the date already do not tell her too early, it might be easier if you can do it by surprise.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Torie
I'm not in the UK, but I think I remember that establishing carer burnout (under a different term, I am sure) is sometimes what tips the scale in favor of getting CAMHS to step up and take action.  Can someone tell me if this is correct? xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote

        

WTadmin