F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Yogi13
So we are almost there.  D is almost back on her growth curve within a lb or so.  Guessing at this week’s weighing she will be back on track. So...what’s next?  I know what the books say, but what’s “really” next?   I understand “state not weight” and “food is medicine”, so do o just keep feeding what I have been feeding her, or can I pull back on calories slowly?  Once we were in a groove she was gaining 3-4 lbs every 2 weeks.  All along we have been working on fear foods and fear situations, and I know that we will continue to work on the ED behaviors and rules.  Am I missing anything?  I want to prepare myself.  
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Enn

That is great! Keep feeding. I found keeping up the calories my d got to a steady state and most kids will require more than the predicted WR. We had to go up about 5-6 kg more to see her brain get much better. and that was about 4 months or so after the first WR goal they gave us. It takes time and please do not decrease the calories for along while, that would be what I would tell anyone. 
You are doing well and thinking clearly about your next steps, WELL DONE!

 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Yogi13
Thank you for your input.  She seems to think she’s going to eat less.  Oh well.  Brick wall here I am. 
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Enn
You go girl!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Yogi13
Thanks mama!!! 

Xx
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debra18
Yes my daughter also thought she was going to eat "normal" and not have to follow a meal plan. This wasn't possible and still isn't one year after "WR". I just told her to trust me and kept feeding her 
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Yogi13
It’s crazy that I am afraid of what the number will say tomorrow after re feeding for the past few months.  I guess it’s because I know there is going to be push back and resistance.  She thinks she’s done-bit I know the reality. Not looking forward to It, but tomorrow will be here soon enough.  
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Enn
No I do not think it is crazy, your feelings about the number. I usually feel very anxious prior to d getting weighed. There are a couple of things going on:
1: You know she has to gain weight and that is your number 1 job. It feels like it a reflection of the care you give her. (that was/is me 100%) My mothering score, if you will was measured by her weight gain or not. So if she lost, I felt badly. I had failed etc.
2: you are waiting for that magic number that will make life perfect! Not true, but that is what you have been working for all this time. It becomes a milestone of sorts in our head. The end of the tiresome journey/graduation, where all the burden we have carried on our exhausted shoulders will fall to the ground- we get the prize- Nope.  So be cautious with that number and your feelings that are attached to it. Your child needs to grow and the other challenges may be more subtle, like socializing, eating out, going on vacation, puberty, periods, peer pressure clothes, makeup etc.. I could go on and on, but I know you get it. 

Make no bones about it, getting to that WR number even if it was set a bit low, is a relief, a huge relief. I felt when we got to the first number, that I could breathe a bit better, deeper, as I felt she was not going to perish in that moment.I could feel that she was truly going to get better.
So what I am trying to convey is that there are so many complex emotions that go into that number and it is ok no matter what it show tomorrow as you will do tomorrow what you have done all along, feed her and love her, and ensure you are on top of ED!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Yogi13
Scaredmom that was so beautifully and perfectly summed up.  I am sure the duration of the summer will come with its own challenges and then we start school in September.  Needless to say, we have a road.  Thank you for your kind words. 
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ValentinaGermania
Yogi13 wrote:
It’s crazy that I am afraid of what the number will say tomorrow after re feeding for the past few months.  I guess it’s because I know there is going to be push back and resistance.  She thinks she’s done-bit I know the reality. Not looking forward to It, but tomorrow will be here soon enough.  


Are you weighing her blind? We started blind weighing around WR and did not communicate any numbers any more. No weight, no gain, no amount of meal plan.
My d is in year 3 and still eating same amounts just to maintain her weight. But she is grown out, your d needs to grow and develop a femal body so no target weight at all.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Hendrixt
Hi Yogi we’re just at the same point and had the same thoughts as you and same reactions from D.  She had a massive meltdown (not at a meal time) when we put her right and told her the meal plan continues. 

But its it’s a very good question you pose - what next? And I was thinking of posting something similar to see what to plan. Obviously we now need new goals but - what are they. Having only been doing this a short time I can’t advise as good as others on here but I hope others can. Here’s our tentative plans;

Once at the upper end of her Healthy weight (state not weight) keep the food plan and calories to add another few pounds as a buffer

Continue working  through her entire list of fear  foods until she eats every single one without any problems - keeping feeding to mitigate weight fluctuations resulting from this 

Work through all situations which may allow ED in; socialising, eating in restaurants, eating with friends and family, eating at school, buying new cloths, reintroduce moderate physical exercise (only to feel good - not for body shape), going on holidays, school trips. Keep doing until there are no signs of anxiety - keeping feeding to mitigate weight fluctuations resulting from this. 

Get D back sleeping on her own in her bedroom - keeping feeding to mitigate weight fluctuations resulting from this 

Deal with co morbid conditions (think she may have OCD - keeping feeding to mitigate weight fluctuations resulting from this 

deal with body dysmorphia - keeping feeding to mitigate weight fluctuations resulting from this 

This is the first time I’ve actually tried to write this down, from thoughts that have been floating round in my head so I think I’ll go away and write a proper list. 

We guess this could take about a year - could be much longer but it could be shorter. 

We want her to eat intuitively before we pull away all control over her eating, for example when she resumes her old habit of arriving back home from school and grabs a donut or a few biscuits - and it’s not because she’s been told to do it, and even then we will keep an eye on her. 

I’ve only taken a few minutes to write this list just because I saw your post. I was going to spend some time writing a well thought out plan/ list and I was going to put it on here so that people could advise where it was lacking and suggest other issues that need to addressed

glad you asked the question- let’s see what advice people can give 





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Mamaroo
Keep on feeding what you're feeding now, keep to a schedule for at least 2years post WR as their metabolism stays high for a very long time.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Mcmum
Morning all. We're a year in and literally just carrying on as usual with the 3 meals, 3 snacks.  My son is still growing - he's younger than your kids but doesn't really eat instinctively yet and relies on us to do the planning and thinking around food. I think that this is a long process and that brain healing takes time so I wouldn't encourage any great shift away from a continued high fat diet.
Each day we see our son continuing to recover and the happy and relaxed state that we all long for with no impulse to restrict takes time and vigilance I think. 
We blind weigh but less frequently and have focused on supporting our son through any social anxiety.  We work on eating a range of food in a range of scenarios but are not at all there yet with independent eating away from the house. 
I hope this helps.  I know it's different for all of us and depends on age, comorbidities and severity of the illness not to mention personality types.  I think the main thing is that wr is never really fixed in a growing child and overshooting the mark is probably advisable in any case. 
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Yogi13
From all of the input here it seems that this is also a period of seeing what works and what doesn’t.  Of course the food is always the plan (d is not going to be too happy about this).  Hendrixt-thank you for your list.  

We started addressing fear foods over a period of calm during re feeding, and because of dietary needs, d eats many different foods she never ate before.  But we will still move on.  

We have gone to a restaurant (only one thus far), so that’s a work in progress.  We are going on vacation the end of August, so we will see how eating out goes. I made sure to rent a place with a kitchen if all else fails.  

She has also eaten at a close friend’s party last weekend (I was there to plate), but we still need to address when she goes to a party on her own.  She went a few weeks ago, and I told her what to eat. Any thoughts about parties would be welcomed.  

And finally, re introducing physical activity.  D was physically active before all of this started.  

I have also written up a contract that we both signed so that it’s clear to her what needs to happen.  
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Enn
Regarding parties: my d went to one in the first months of refeeding and they were going to make home made pizzas. This was a fear food. I sent a sandwich and told the mother about it. D participated in making the pizza but did not want to eat it. She phoned me a few times to help settle her anxiety over it. And she ate her sandwich. There was always the plan that if she felt anxious, I would come and pick her up. 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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teecee
We are 18 months in and D is still eating 3 meals and snacks. She preps her snacks, breakfast, supper and Lunch. I always prep evening meal and she will sometimes have extra. 
I would try to expand experiences....introduce normality...socialising....eating out etc. Every journey is unique. It was important for our D to ‘find herself’ and build relationships with others. We supported her doing this. It was important to us that she demonstrated the ability to be able to feed herself as she is wanting to go to uni next Sept (2020). We had to be prepared to support her when she relapsed, which she did, but with each relapse she has become stronger and determined. She does not miss her meals/snacks so this is not something we have to work on however variety of food is sloooowly expanding. Others may have challenges the other way round. 
Only now am I beginning to think metabolism MAY be slowing and both hubby and I noticed she’s maybe had a growth spurt recently. 
State is certainly well improved with less blips. 
I am hopeful that uni is realistic but we will take each day as it comes with no expectations. 
Well done for getting to where you are...keep swimming...be a dolphin parent to her if you can. X
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Yogi13
Even though her weight is almost there, her state isn't.  I am sure that with the passing time and exposure to different life scenarios, she will be better able to cope.  I would like to get the the point (as does she) where she is responsible for preparing her own food, but we are a long way off. 

teecee-she's 13, so we have a while until college.  Your d. sounds like she is doing so well. 

All of you who have shared here are my inspiration to keep swimming and moving forward.  

xx
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mamabear
Don’t back off on calories. That is the single biggest mistake people make. Her body is going to regulate itself and end up getting at the weight it needs to be. When her state is there an LED is gone that is when you can slowly start to back off. This is coming from a mom who had to feed my kid  6000 cal a day for about three years.
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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Yogi13
mamabear noted.   Her anxiety is high now because of this, but I am pushing through. What is an LED? 
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sandie
And ED?
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teecee
Oh yes...at 13 you are in a different situation to us. Absolutely I wouldn’t recommend giving control over if my D was that age. It’s normal for parents to prep and cook meals for our kids at that age and require them to eat it. 
Keep feeding ... it will fall into place naturally in that a couple of years of feeding as you are doing and I’ve no doubt your D will make a full recovery. Well done at getting her there...the state will improve it just needs time. 
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mamabear
Typo
ED not led. 

Your kid has to change into a woman and finish growing internally as well as externally. Keep fats high. 
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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Yogi13
Thank you all.  We will get there.  
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Mamaroo
sandie wrote:
And ED?

Eating Disorder, imagine it as a mean person who you are trying to defeat.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Mcmum
I would definitely say that at 13 a child is never really going to be weight restored as they have so much growing still to do. I agree with continued pushing of high calories.  She will probably need more weight and then some before her state improves. 
We found that our son only grew in height when the calories were enormous and then of course the target weight moves up anyway.  A 13 year old with an is unlikely to have grown in height or experienced the necessary hormonal changes required for adulthood so is likely to need more food for a great deal of time.  I know it sounds simplistic but overshooting the mark regarding food is probably worth it at the moment. 
Go with mamabear and keep pushing xx
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