F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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tina72
I had the idea to that thread because a mom asked for the impact on marriages this week.

Here are my ideas:
1) try to work together as a team - no blaming, no guilt - no one has chosen to have ED in the house
2) try to keep the bedroom ED free - no talking about ED or ED kid in the bedroom
3) try to have one hour as a couple every week - you understand what I mean with that 😗...
4) meet your own friends and have some time out of the house - each of you or together if possible
5) mark a calendar to see the progress and tell your partner every single sign of progress you have seen - that gives hope
6) encourage your partner to join ATDT too
7) if possible go out to eat a meal without stress once a month

more ideas will come soon...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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mamabear
I truly believe keeping intimacy alive is critical. It is not healthy for a marriage to go weeks and months and even years without kissing, touching, sex. It is incredibly therapeutic for body and mi d and soul. We need to feel we are a team. We are still in love. We still matter. 

I always tell people- even if you do not “ feel” like it... Drink a glass of wine, put on something sassy, light a candle, set the mood- and force yourself to surrender. Just don’t talk- just touch. Before you know it the hormones will kick in. You may even have a half hour of being able to not think about ED. 
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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pheim
I'm putting the idea of keeping the bedroom ED free in my pocket right now and also agree re: intimacy...more important now than ever if you have a relationship that you value and a supportive partner that you love and trust.
"What's comin' will come and we'll meet it when it does."
-Hagrid
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kazi67
Wow my poor husband 🙁

unfortunately I was unable to do the above 
I was not coping at all as the horror of my d being so severely sick and on deaths doorstep took its toll on me and it consumed me and it was all I thought about every minute of every day
I had no energy or interest in my h advances at all 
Educating myself on this illness, reading, crying, Feeding her, appointments, shock, exhaustion, driving back and forth to hospital, emotionally broken, getting advised to go back to work, weight gain by me from eating with d, feeling bloated, not socialising as too tired, (and teary)  the stress of it all............
i actually don’t know how h put up with me tbh 😢
I guess he loves me ❤️
im just putting this out there incase anyone else feels the same 
our 30 YO marriage came extremely close to ending as well as other family relationships (siblings) who still blame me by the way 🙁
but just sheer stubbornness on
my behalf would not let this illness tear my family apart 
it tried 
we are now in relationship repair mode now 
im not saying I did it the “right” way but just incase anyone else feels inadequate as they aren’t cutting the cheese in the sexy underwear and candles burning department 
if you truly love one another you will get through this
my d is in a much better place now, finally discharged from OP program this last week😄
we have planned a family road trip (ED d too) over Easter and my goal is for us all to enjoy each other’s company and to look FORWARD to many more lovely memories of the strong family we are!!!
we are getting though this one day at a time 
x
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scaredmom
Kazi,
i think many feel as you do/did.
How can one take time to care for the spousal relationship at the same  time as going through h@ll? 

If you are just surviving and all hours are dedicated to your child, there is not much left for sex, or even a nap! 


Also as caregivers if we suffer from mental health issues due to the stress etc... I am not sure what you can or should do. We only have so much to give and sometimes the other stuff needs to take a step or three back. 
I think it is wonderful to be able to keep all boats afloat, but I know I did not have the energy, time or emotional strength for anything but taking care of ED d
All of us are different. All relationships are tested. Not only tested but put through Olympic training, and it is only after the ED stuff clams down can we see what is in our wake. We see the impact around us and we then we focus on making priorities and tending to them.
Some marriages break irreparably due to ED no matter what. And I am not sure what anyone can do to stop that 100%.
No magic formula, nada. 
We all have our individual journeys and we can only each do our best in the moment given our particular circumstances.

I am glad you shared that Kazi.
it is honest and powerful. I think many can and do relate to this.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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tina72
scaredmom wrote:

How can one take time to care for the spousal relationship at the same  time as going through h@ll? 
If you are just surviving and all hours are dedicated to your child, there is not much left for sex, or even a nap! 


I think you are right, scaredmom, none of us thinks at sex when we go through hell.
But there are times after the first hellish weeks when I think the partnership can get better again and we can dare to have that, too. It is just so hard to make it happen when you need to supervise a "toddler" 24/7...
But we should try not to forget that we are individuals and partners as well and not let ED reduce us to only being parents 24/7.
That is part of caring for youself I think.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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scaredmom
Although I understand your point Tina,
many of us can’t do all at once. And sometimes there are sacrifices that have to be made. I was only empathazing with Kazi.

Although I subacribe to self care, I was a zombie for a long time and not just a few weeks etc...  many of us, me, are still trying to find what my new life means and that includes all my relationships.Sexual or not.
i felt true guilt for having a nice time tbh and I am working on that. And it is hard. I could not take care of me and did not know how when in the midst of refeeding. I myself suffered and I don’t think I could have done anything differently. I did what I had to and do some things suffered.

My point was that I can understand why some people can do nothing but take care of ED 24/7. And to think outside of ED was too hard for me for a long time. I could only eat, breathe, talk, poop ED and could not see outside of that for a long long time. It was all I had the capacity to do.
i am not disagreeing with any tools to keep the spousal relationship alive, not at al. Just saying that we all have to do it in our own time and head space. 
We are only human and we are all different in what we can juggle at any given moment.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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tina72
I understand that. And I did not want to start a discussion wether someone needs to have sex or not 😳...
I was just collecting ideas what can help to keep the partnership alive.
Any ideas besides those already mentioned?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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kazi67
The point I guess I was getting at was this dreaded illness effects everyone in the family and I feel guilty as also my h miseed out on my attention 🙁 

my dear h has soldiered on and worked hard to pay all the bills and all the extras as well that come along with this illness (supporting our d financially also as she has been out of work now for over a year now)
and my poor darling h has been neglected by me as I was physically and mentally spent, only now has the panic and constant worry lessened

This thread is a good idea Tina as it made me realise how much I’ve actually neglected h

BUT I was doing what I could to firstly try and help my d then once I realised I couldn’t (and this took up untill her 2nd IP stay, and then I broke down)
I realised I needed to take care of me so I started some serious self care whilst d was IP and now I’m realising that it’s time to look after h too

i just thought by telling my experience it may make others feel less alone if they feel the same way about their h and the lack of time/energy or inclination to make an effort with h
up until now there has been so much going on I had no time for h I just couldn’t stretch myself any further 
we tried going out for dinner and ended up arguing or me sitting there about to cry and wishing we didn’t go out (my emotional state was all over the place)
this illness has send me half bonkers I know and my family will agree with that 100 percent!!! lol
BUT they all tell me how strong I am and how much they love me
even after all the tears,worry arguements and stress
for the parents who’s kids don’t need IP stays perhaps it sounds easier to have your kid in hospital 
it’s NOT, it’s an emotional roller coaster and then when they get home you are like the food police, when you think things are improving - bang back in hospital again (so sneaky this illness, and when your kid is older and now dealing with getting pushed away from treatment team) it definately isn’t easy
when our d was OP I constantly worried about her driving up and back to hospital each day 5am start for her (hour drive  in peak hour traffic)
you are dealing with your own kids mental health issues as well as your own, and I don’t remember reading about this in any baby books (Maybe in the future we will)
so yes any wonder my dear h was at the end of the list for attention, but we have survived to tell the tale
even after one night my h yelling at me that it is my fault d got ill😢
our d is glowing right now (fingers crossed) this time it continues and if not well we soldier on wont we as we don’t have a choice do we?
sorry I know I’m rambling........😳
have hope your marriage can survive 
if ours did believe me it’s possible 👍

tell your h how much you love him! ❤️
x

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tina72
I think it was good that you posted that, kazi. I did not want to make you feel guilty at all!
And it is never too late to tell hubby that he is nr. 1 again now. At least when the kids are not around 🙂.
I think he really loves you and that is great.
This is one thing I know now due to surviving AN: that NOTHING can seperate us ever. This is a very strong and a very good feeling.
When your marriage survived AN it will survive any other storm in life!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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teecee
Scaredmom ... agreed. 
I started to repair my 25 year relationship with H by apologising for the rubbish things I said at the beginning of the nightmare when you don’t understand what’s happening and look to blame.

My D flipped out at a thing any parent would say to their kid and as a result I thought he was the issue. I had no interest in our relationship as life as we knew it stopped. 

I am grateful that he is such a good man that he forgave me for the hurt I threw at him and I told anyone who would listen what a great man he is. 
He saved my sanity by telling me that I did not have to lift a finger if I didn’t want to and that all I had to do was practice self care. He drove, food shopped, waited hand and foot on me which gave me the strength to concentrate on me getting better. 

We had really honest chats about how we felt. 
In the beginning even though I was very angry with him we agreed to pull together for our Ds sake and sort us out when she was a bit better. 
That was the best promise he ever made to me. Better than any wedding vows. A year down the line and we are making up for lost time!!

He’s my rock 😊❤️
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mamabear
Also I would like to clarify- I was not having candlelit romantic multi- orgasmic sex 3 nights a week when my D was sick. But we did make a conscience effort to try to maintain some intimacy- even if it was just the occasional hug or kiss on the forehead. That’s more important... just not letting a wall build up between you. 

But sex can be just like yoga or mindfulness/meditation. Once I surrendered  it was possible for my brain to escape ED if only for a few minutes. ❤️
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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tina72
Mamabear, you rock! Never laughed that much this week then just now reading your post!!!😂
That is exactly what happened here.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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kazi67
Yeah thats funny 😄
reading back over this thread I am laughing that’s for sure!
good advise right there: try not to loose your sense of humour 👍
part of me wishes I never responded but oh well, possibly it might make someone else laugh too lol 😂 

i think this topic just touched a nerve with me and I wanted to reach out to anyone else who may have been feeling the same way

every families journey is different and effects us all differently 
what goes on in the bedroom isn’t really anyone else’s business
definately try to keep “love” alive however that looks like in your own home 👍
but if that’s too much for you right now that’s ok too 

we all try do what  we can
we all have not proud moments

perhaps I built a few walls up, I had to to get through this and when I was getting yelled at that it was all my fault by h it was hard not to
(not his finest moment)

but he too too has been our rock in many other ways 

the main object was getting our d well and there has been s few casualties along the way and only others going through this truly understand how hard it is to “carry on as normal”. Go to  work, smile, make polite conversation, as to how friends kids are
all whilst you feel as your life is being turned inside out and upside down 

f$$k you anorexia your not welcome here!!

After a 6 month battle by myself to beat this monster my precious d was admitted to IP Easter last year, deathly sick and suicidal 
This Easter she is home and glowing 
She tells me everyday how much she loves me
h does too ❤️
Hang in there everyone it does get better 
x
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debra18
Yes I agree with you Ronson. My husband was not involved with my daughter's illness at all and does not seem to have been affected. But he has continued to support the family while I am still not working and recovering. I know you said you are working but maybe you can take a day off or a few hours off to do something for yourself and reward yourself for all your hard work and dedication to your daughter?  The original question was what did you do to save your marriage? And that would be my answer. That sometimes I felt resentful that my husband doesn't seem to have been affected, but to have a good marriage, I have had to deal with the difficulties in other ways and not put additional stress on my husband.
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Ronson
Thanks Debra18
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