F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Muminhope Show full post »
Torie
sandie wrote:
I have needed to be so careful about promising things in the future. When my D was at her illest, I promised her so many things when she would be better and even if I didn’t promise them, her brain was so confused, she would think I had. 

Promising trips abroad/holidays at particular times ahead when I expected she would be better has caused me problems as recovery has not been as straightforward as I have imagined. I agree important to have short-term goals/motivations and phrase any long-term goals/motivations carefully and avoid creating an expectation of a particular time. Xx


Well said.  It is tricky business.  xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Kali

Muminhope,

You could let her know that when she is well enough that you can visit and take that trip, and keep it as a goal for her to work towards. Talk about some of the fun things she can do when you get there with her and create an attractive goal. You can decide whether it will be in 6 months or a year or year and a half, whenever, based on her health, and don't tell her it will be at any specific time, only that the trip will happen when she is well enough. You can try serving her some of that yummy food she says she misses. When she weighs enough and is completing her meals and that has been going on for some time, it will be a great time to take that trip and you will know it when that time comes. 

In the meantime, I hope that things will get easier in the near future. 

warmly,

Kali

Food=Love
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MKR
It would also be a good idea to let the family in the home country know that your D cannot visit until her health is better.  This is just in case your D starts making detailed plans with them and then you will feel pressure to please more people and launch yourselves into a disaster. 

Keep it simple and they will surely understand your situation. 

Unless you have a team of doctors and specialists ready in your home country, your only power will be  taking the plane straight home.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Muminhope
Torie wrote:


Well said.  It is tricky business.  xx

-Torie


You’re absolutely right! I had expected that she would be recovery when she’s discharged. This is the illness what I never imagined before. I need to be more cautious to promise something for long term plan.
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Muminhope
Kali wrote:

Muminhope,

You could let her know that when she is well enough that you can visit and take that trip, and keep it as a goal for her to work towards. Talk about some of the fun things she can do when you get there with her and create an attractive goal. You can decide whether it will be in 6 months or a year or year and a half, whenever, based on her health, and don't tell her it will be at any specific time, only that the trip will happen when she is well enough. You can try serving her some of that yummy food she says she misses. When she weighs enough and is completing her meals and that has been going on for some time, it will be a great time to take that trip and you will know it when that time comes. 

In the meantime, I hope that things will get easier in the near future. 

warmly,

Kali



Really appreciate for your advice! This is very helpful to my situation. I am trying this practice now.
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Muminhope
MKR wrote:
It would also be a good idea to let the family in the home country know that your D cannot visit until her health is better.  This is just in case your D starts making detailed plans with them and then you will feel pressure to please more people and launch yourselves into a disaster. 

Keep it simple and they will surely understand your situation. 

Unless you have a team of doctors and specialists ready in your home country, your only power will be  taking the plane straight home.


Unfortunately we don’t have a team who can support my D in home country. That’s one of my main part of concern. Besides, I am not sure if D’s grandparents can understand her illness or not. For safety for hers, I decided not to take this risk to have this travel.
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Muminhope
Thank you so much for all of your advice. Really helpful to me. When my D complains we give her “too much food”we normally tell her that”this is what you need and we serve you as normal as we always do every time “. Sometime she accepts but sometime she insists to take out one bite. We are trying to fight for this emotion she has. My local team here support us that not suggest to have a travel back to our home country although my D strongly have been asking for it. She doesn’t show us she can behave well and comply our rules well. Either please her or more safety to have her weights gaining steadily I definitely choose the latter one.
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Torie
Muminhope wrote:
Sometime she accepts but sometime she insists to take out one bite.

It is very common that they (i.e., ED) try to reduce the serving by a tiny amount.  That can let ED keep a foot in the door, and then it is common that a while later, they say two bites must be taken out.  And then three ...

When they are under professional care, it is common that they require EVERY bite to be finished.  (And every sip, crumb and smear.)  That is not how I raised my kids, and it is not normal for me to require that, but I decided that I needed to require that for my ED d.  Just a thought. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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kiwi4567
A couple of things i thought about when reading through this -
1) do you have any family around near where you live, or family friends? I wonder whether if you invited them over at the time your D usually has afternoon snack, she might be more willing to have it in front of them, because she wouldn't want to cause a fuss?
2) have you checked her search history or what she's been doing on her phone? She sounds very attached to it and its possible she has been on websites like 'pro ana' websites where ppl encourage each other in their weight loss and give each other tips etc
3) about going home to your home country - why don't you tell her that she is medically too sick to go now, but that when she is well enough that she can eat a normal amount (3 meals and 2/3 snacks) and not lose weight then she can go? Make it something she can work towards.

You're doing very well so keep hanging on in there. 
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Muminhope
@kiwi4567 Hi Thank you so much for your great advice! Happy new year!
My answer 1) we have a few of our family friends here. We invited each other to have dinners during this holiday. D is happy to be with them. But she’s uncomfortable to eat snacks in front of them because she said it’s weird. She’s very sensitive for somebody knows her illness.2)I do set up parental control with our WiFi access but not sure if something like as “pro Ana”would be blocked. I don’t think D will search this web site. She has password on her cell phone and she’s very resistant if we try to check her phone or search record.3)We told D that once she meets the safe range of her weight and we will plan a travel back to our home country during her spring break. She seems to accept it but not happy with it because she has to stay at home this holiday. She denies she has problems with her weight. She said her heart rate and bp is fine. She has little motivation to be recovered especially her body weight.

Thank you for your comments again. Wish everybody in the forum happy new year. All the best to you all!
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kiwi4567
I wonder if it would be possible to invite friends over for "afternoon tea" or something similar, at the time where she would usually have her snack, so that everyone is eating at the same time as she is so it doesn't feel as weird? If she's very sensitive about people knowing about her illness she may want to participate in the eating so as to not be left out.

There are definitely 'pro ana' websites, and its good to be wary of them as they can be dangerous. If she has social media like instagram or snapchat, she may also be following accounts which promote weightloss and dieting, and post pictures of emaciated girls that they 'want to look like'
I know that my friend's D, who also has RAN, was following quite a few of these accounts and they would share tips on how to avoid food and so on. Just a warning as it was quite horrifying to see the kinds of things they posted.

What if you tell her that if 'nothing' was wrong with her, why would she have so many doctors still looking after her?

Best of luck. 
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Muminhope
@kiwi4567  This is really a good idea to invite friend on “afternoon tea”. I know D is happy to be with friends and us to have snacks. D has her instagram account as I know. I am wondering how should I monitor D’s search history on web? She has password of her phone in order that we’re unable to access her phone. As I know that control of internet surfing is about violence or sex etc. rather than dieting and keeping shape. I am wondering how should you or other parents do for this controlling. Highly appreciate for your advice!
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ValentinaGermania
Muminhope wrote:
I do set up parental control with our WiFi access but not sure if something like as “pro Ana”would be blocked. I don’t think D will search this web site. She has password on her cell phone and she’s very resistant if we try to check her phone or search record.


If she does not show you what she does with her phone that would ring all my alarm bells.
You are the parent and you pay for that phone and you are the partner of your provider and not your d and you must have the PUK to get into her phone in your papers. If she does not allow you to look into it call your provider to lock her password so she cannot get into it too. You will see how fast she brings it to you to "repair" that! 🙂
I do not know the laws in your country but here in Germany the parents are in charge of what their kids do legally with the phone the parents own. Here you are in charge to control that.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Muminhope
@kiwi4567  Very good idea! Thank you so much !
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ValentinaGermania
Muminhope wrote:
As I know that control of internet surfing is about violence or sex etc. rather than dieting and keeping shape. I am wondering how should you or other parents do for this controlling. Highly appreciate for your advice!
 

There are programs to control the internet and you can tell them what to exclude and as far as I know "diet" is a possibility there too. I think it was Mamaroo that used that with her d so I hope she will be here soon to tell you about your possibilities.

Mine did binge watch excessivly cooking shows on Youtube and we had problems to stop that and stopped all unsupervised internet access for some time x (and my d was 17 at that time).
You pay for that, so you can set rules. If it is dangerous what she does, you need to stop it. You would not allow her to meet men in the dark net...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Muminhope
@ValentinaGermania This is so nice reminding to me. Appreciate. Currently I contract with a telecommunications and they provide an app with parental control for our internet access once I set up in it. As I know this is an automatic block by the provider. I will ask them what are their key words to be blocked.
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