F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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stellamum
My (recently turned 18) year old daughter has just informed me that she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby. There is no father in the picture or if there is she is saying nothing.

She is not currently seeing any doctors/therapists and her BMI is slightly under 13 from what she will tell me. I really don't think it is safe for her to have this child - I don't think either her or it will survive and quite frankly I am shocked her body was capable or conceiving at all but we have done hundreds of pregnancy tests and she never did lose her period before this.

I suppose I'm just here looking for advise. Can I get her a forced abortion under the MHA?
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deenl
Hi stellamum,

What a very difficult situation for you both! 

I have no particular advice other that to gather your facts.

Even if she won't visit a doctor, you can and find our how real the dangers to the baby and your daughter are and what the options are.

You can also contact any mental health professionals you may have used in the past. Or contact your local mental health services.

Keep asking questions and gathering info and then formulate your plan and how you will implement it. You will probably need a Plan B and C!

I think whether or not your daughter keeps the baby, she probably needs treatment using the MHA if necessary.

Wishing you strength,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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stellamum
Well she has now agreed to go to GP. Will not allow me to come though, not sure how I feel about that. Would like to speak to a doctor face to face but appreciate she has a right to confidentiality now. She is now saying that she is willing to make changes but that she can and will do it by herself i.e. Increasing food herself but I have heard that so many times before.
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deenl
Hi stellamum,

That is some progress. Could you meet/ring/email the doctor in advance? You could describe a typical day's food intake, her weight and any other issues you feel are relevant. It would also allow the doctor time to review options and consider the best approach. You could also ask to meet the doctor to find out general information e.g. the risks to any baby when any mother is severely underweight. The doc does not have to break your daughters confidentiality.

I don't know where you are but start a new thread here and someone is sure to have the relevant guidelines for treating restricting EDs in your country. You could also attach this information as many in the medical profession are totally under-educated about EDs.

Some people with YA children who have some motivation to get better have found contracts to be very useful. You only talk about the ED at specific times and in a neutral, problem-solving way. Both parties make agreements and agree consequences. There is some more information on this thread. http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/does-anyone-have-a-male-ed-sufferer-who-can-give-much-needed-guidance-7916831?pid=1290868757#gsc.tab=0

Take care,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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K63
Hi Stellamum, sorry I don't have any advice this is a difficult situation my d is also 18 and right now isn't capable of looking after herself where her nutrition is concerned let alone bring a baby into the world to look after,and I just can't imagine your worries now around this . It's a start that she is willing to see the GP. It would be great if she started to look after her own health so as to save her baby if that's what she wants . Hope this could turn into something very positive for her. Hope your d can get help she need right now.
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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NELLY_UK
My friend had AN and when she got pregant the dr gave her permission to eat and she ate lots and lots. After she had the baby she was recovered. It gave her a reason yo change- she had to. She wanted a baby so much.
You never know what may happen.
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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Doitagain
In its own way it is just lovely news - a bit of a miracle given the low weight. Under an ed service she would get "special treatment" if you can get her to a nationally recognised one , if you are in the UK. I do believe that the duty of care to mother and unborn child would kick in properly now which could be a blessing in disguise for your daughter. It sounds like she is just starting, barely as it is, to know there has to be changes. Try for maudesley or Vincent square if you are near London. both have strong links with the relevant general hospital. You obviously have to act quickly. Is there any way at all she and maybe you could see this as possibly meant to be and a turning point? I'm sorry I hope I don't sound unrealistic and airy fairy here - I hope you know what I mean. But she if course will need urgent priory high level of support . It is what it is - you both must be stunned - she WIll get priority now anywhere once you don't rely on GPs etc. specialists only and perhaps this time your D can see it's not about her but it is about her baby. again, I hope you know where I'm coming from. I'm kind of with Nelly on this...x
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Torie
I know AN makes them irrational, but ...

If there's ever a time when rational argument can get through the fog, it would seem that "You are not allowed to starve your unborn child" would be high on the list. xx

-Torie Chef
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Psycho_Mom
Hi,

Most definitely, you can contact the doctor and let him/her know anything you think relevant, including the fact that you'd like to come to the appointment, even if just to sit in the waiting room, but your d said no. (Actually, perhaps that would be a good tack--see if your d will let you drive her to the app and sit in the waiting room.) Even if the doctor isn't smart about eds, s/he will know that there is a Grandma in the picture willing to help (as opposed to a young woman coming in all alone), and will hopefully encourage your d to let you help.

If it's difficult to speak with the doctor outside of an appointment, ask for the nurse or nurse practitioner, and insist they make a "note in the chart" . Or again, perhaps your d will let you drive her and just meet the doc and shake hands.

I don't think this is a time when rational argument is any more likely to penetrate ed fog, but I DO think another kind of argument--the powerful protective instincts of motherhood--might. Ed is about fear, and the only thing stronger than fear is love.

best wishes,


D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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stellamum
I can't believe how quickly things have moved... D being admitted tomorrow (somewhat) voluntarily!
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heartbrokenmom
Hooray Stellamum!  Great news on the semi voluntary admission.  And congrats on becoming a grandma!  Scary as it may be, don't forget to celebrate the joy a new life brings.  
Heartbroken Mom
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stellamum
The thing is, I'm more worried about not being a mum anymore than I am excited about the prospect of being a grandma. It's such early days [frown]
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heartbrokenmom
Oh gosh, Stellamum.  I'm sorry.  This has got to be tough for you.  When you say you are worried about not being a mum anymore, do you mean you are worried about the risks to your d?  I was a bit confused.  We went through a period of time when my daughter was 19/20ish where I feared pregnancy.  She seemed somewhat excited at the prospect, but I was terrified.  It did not happen (her periods had ceased) but gosh I can remember the stress.  Please let me know how things go....
Heartbroken Mom
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stellamum
Sorry not to be clear but yes, that's what I meant. I know I'm being very pessimistic - it's just not an ideal situation all round but at least she is getting treatment. I'll feel happier once I know she's in tomorrow and even better when she has some weight on her.
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Blommie
stellamum- I am so happy your d is being admitted so that she and the baby can be looked after. Please keep us posted about her progress. Thinking of you. Tanya
D officially diagnosed April 2014 at age 13 after being hospitalised on a medical ward due to severe restriction. Been refeeding at home, doing FBT through CAMHS. Living life moment by moment
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deenl
Hi stellamum,

Wishing you and your daughter the very best with the treatment. I so much hope this proves to be a turning point for you. I think this poem by sotired may resonate with you

Quote:
Can I 
Just breathe for a minute, 
Just take in some air,let it out 
And just 
Breathe. 

Can I hope for an hour 
Trust in that hope, 
Not see the past repeating once more- 
Can I hope? 

If I believe for a day 
Just one day 
Will my belief bear fruit 
Or wither away? 

Do I dare dream 
Of her future 
Like I once did easily, 
Do I dare dream at all? 

I want to. 
I want to breathe, 
hope,believe and dream 
I want to 

But I am 
Afraid.
 
__________________
Sotired42
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
K63
Hi Stellamum , that is such good news that your d is being admitted hope this will be a new beginning for your d and her baby. Hope you can also get a chance to rest .
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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