Yes leave the talking about the eating disorder or food to the team and try just dishing. However that does not mean that you let her not finish, or not eat!!!! Try talking about something else while you are eating. I found that if I tried to avoid "I" and "you" statements, for example:
"It's lunch time"
"Dinner is ready"
"You need to eat now" or "I want to give you lunch now".
it is more neutral and so was not about me or her.
And don't ask her if she wants to eat. If you ask someone a yes or no question that leaves them the opportunity to say no.
(Good thing to remember with teenagers in many other situations also🙂.
"It's Lunch time" and "dinner is ready" are statements.
Occasionally I did give my daughter some choices for substitution of foods if she completely refused. For example one night I served Lasagna. She was not able to eat it because it was all mixed together and too complicated for her at that moment. So I said, Ok here is a choice: "Either there is lasagna, or there is also pasta, sauce and cheese and sauteed spinach instead. She chose the pasta sauce and cheese and sauteed spinach (basically the exact same things that were in the lasagna but just presented in a different way and then she ate that dinner just fine. I don't know if your daughter has had issues with foods that are mixed together and difficulty eating those, but mine did so sometimes it was better to keep things simple at first when she came home, rather than serve things which she might feel were too difficult. The idea was to first off get into a solid routine of eating. Later on I served the more complicated things after we were in the routine, and it went better. it didn't mean that I gave up on having her eat lasagna, but just that I remembered she had trouble with it and my plan became to delay it until she was able to move ahead and eat it. And the day came where she was able to eat lasagna just fine.
Also you ask someone to substitute something or give them a choice between two foods, you are not asking them a yes or no question. If you say there are apples or oranges which sounds better? then they are more likely to choose one instead of saying no.
I found that if she seemed to slow down while eating or said she was full I stayed at the table and continued talking about other things beside food and I let her sit for a few moments without eating and just patiently waited. However, if she tried to get up and not finish I then asked her to stay and have some more and quickly changed the subject again to talk about something else. Again a neutral statement "Have more of that macaroni" "Try a couple more bites of that macaroni" seemed to work much better than "You need to eat that macaroni" or "I want you to eat that macaroni"
It was a pretty simple thing to do but it can change the dynamic and it worked for us.
Hmm..I'm wishing I had put that in the blog post also!
Also if as you say she is just eating so that she can get out of inpatient and then to refuse to eat at home, can you make a plan? What happens if she is not able to eat? Can you work out a plan with the unit where you can take her back? Or what does her team suggest in this situation?
Also you say:
She is going to throw away any prospect of getting into sixth form
So my question is: does she want to get into sixth form and if so is it something you and her team can use to help motivate her to be able to listen to her team and do what they would like her to do regarding her eating?
Trying to talk about the future and some things she might like to do when she is well could help motivate her.
Wishing you well.