F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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panjtan
My dear friends, as i wrote in my previuos post one of my d nice and caring friends who I trust very much and she knows everything ( we have helped her last year to stay for a while with us and settle down while her parents moved to another country and were not supporting her), has been helping me to tell me all my d ed behaviour when they are to gether and i talk to her a lot and also educate her about this illneness a lot. I think I need to tell u my friends that I had planned and emailed my d that I wanted her to stay home for Jan and do a check up with MD dr , also meet with one of the top ed specialist, which I would thing she would never do that ; we told her, otherwise we will decline her loan. Now here is the update: After She was really upset and calling this friend being very irrational that she can pay for uni by working and some aids. Then she has talked to her therapist in campus , then she has checked out website and called this ed specialist to talk. Obviuosly she still wants or her therapist told her to stay in college but visit md dr or see the ed specialist and doesnt need to stay home. Tommorrow is the first day of classes for inter term. Yesterday I texed my d that she has a medical check up appt on this friday. She got mad but said: you want to know my weight? ok I will go by myself just for once to prove u my bmi is fine and i am healthy. ( this MD is new and I have to educate her about the bmi and all that we know!). On the other hand me and my husband yesterday checked with campus to see the status if we decline the loan. Bad news : the loan already has set up. part of it parental loan if we decline that it would be on her shoulder , she can apply for schollorship, they would still let her stay in campus , even continue for spring semester starting in jan28 and ending in May , but will be sending huge monthly bill to her . Obviously they said if they dont recieve any payment untill end of may they will send to collection service and wont let her come back to school for summer or next fall and so on. So last night again I emailed my d( doesnt answer phone now) to let her know again of our plan and what is going to happen if we decline the loan. I am not sure if she s knows she still can stay there I did not tell her either just told her she will loose her education and its not worth to stay there 3 weeks and loosing the education. To be honest with you I wish She would not go to uni even for spring semester continue the treatment while she is home . My d has now a bf for first time in her life, too and I believe she wants to be away from home partly "to have freedom"; her roomate is not staying for Jan ! So I think she would not come home and just try to see the MD dr and might try to see the ed specialist. I am frustrated, sad and helpless.My husband says we have untill the first week of Feb to decline , and should not do it right now, and convincing my husband that we need to decline loan soon, so they inform her . She needs to see that we are taking action. I am vety helpless because the points is taking her home and its not easily happening. I am planning going to mental office to tell them about my d even saying that she is suisidal and request for medical leave. I dont know what would happens? probabley her T would say: your d is complying to see MD dr and ed specialist and her physical is not in danger so she can stay in uni. I don' t know what else I can do or to say to them? I need your advice my dear friends, what do you think you would do in this situation? love you all ,
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JangledUSA
Well, I think in that situation just based on the info you've given I would decline the loan ASAP and let her know.    Everything else is just.... background noise.

What is your plan when she comes home?

Just to add...  It's really hard to say I would do this or that for sure because I can't see everything and am not privy to all the details - so this is really just my opinion.      
A dad.
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perdido
I agree with Jangled, deny the loan now and let her know because she sounds like she isn't in any state to do university work. Hugs!
Slow and steady
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WeNWinning
I agree with the others to decline the loan.  Your D's thinking is not rational and she will not benefit from being in school to learn.  More importantly, she will have a safe place for ED at school.

the other question is - does this bf know about her ED?

the other thing to realize is that since she knows she is going to a Non-ED Dr she will most likely do something to increase her weight such as water loading and putting weights on her.

My D did this with many Dr's even those who specialized in ED's - and they didn't realize they were being fooled.

Make sure you can educate this Dr about all the tricks or else she will get a false weight and her Ed will say "See, I told you I'm fine"
WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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panjtan
My dear friends, Thank you for your quick respones. This is the third time I am posting I accidentaly deleted my post 2 times...
Jangled USA: My plan was her to stay home for the month of Jan. I refeed her , do the check up MD appt to check her weight with gown, and seeing her weekly to make sure she is gaining some, then meeting with of the great fbt ed specialist to educate my d and doning the contract for spring  semester, having her to agree to sign the release form, and start the school in Jan 28 under the conditions.  My d would not do the contract with us without help of a professional. Last time in San Diego they had  a very tough and difficult  time with her to accept the contract.

Wenlow: So, unfortunalty she can stay in uni untill end of may even if we decline her loan. 

  Regarding her bf, my d has told her bf about her ed history. But I know that recently when she told him that " my parents do not let me do the inter term", she didn't give him the reason of her loosing weight, and her bf had told her that I am sorry you dont have freedom. But then she left and did not listen to us.
  I am just reminding my d that of my decision, and she  keeps texting me that ," To whoever I  have talked , including my therapist, they all agree that I have a healthy bmi  and not sick". She says I will be comprising with you and will go to MD dr to show you I am fine, but I am doing interm and dont have to come home.

I texed her back that I am sorry , when we decline the loan soon we will let you know. She said: Ok I am willing to see the fbt only by myself and not with you. I am having classes and can see her only on friday and weekend. I told her the Therapist needs to see parents and the person first and she can see you in a private session. 
My dear friends , she just deosn't want to come home. When I go to their mental health dept, how can I convince them that bmi for my d needs to be higher? What documents do you suggest to show them that bmi 16, 17 , 18 ,19 or even 20 is not a good criteraia to be in a healthy state for ed patients? and it depends on person.  Is there anything that I can print on this issues? I just can tell them about her significant weight loss and not being able to manage her food intake and is exersising more than she is eating. Also she has suisidal thought as well.  Thank you all for listening to me and for your thoughtfull suggestions.
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IdgieThreadgood7USA
Susan it's not the BMI that should be critera for her mental and physical health. Arm yourself with Ed info. If your daughter is actively engaging in Ed behavior, her presence at school presents a great risk to her deteriotration. Make a list of her behaviors. Remind them that our children are perfectionists who can narrowly focus on maintaining good grades while threat physical and mental deteriorate. Her refusal to be part of a plan confirms the risk. Let them know you need their support to save your daughters life. She cannot see her illness this is a feature of the disease. Tell you will hold them responsible because you have told them your concerns and plan. Tell them you are caring concerned parents of a young women with an illness that carries the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. If your talking to the right person they will get it. Good luck.
"Sometimes you just have to be your own hero"
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WeNWinning
Amen Lisa and really for a YA they should be somewhere at a higher BMI anyway. Many say 22 or higher.
It is really the State to focus on and if Sussan lists all the behaviors that are concerning to her, and let the school know those are symptoms of being malnourished, and that they will be responsible for her should she get more ill, I am sure they will put her on a medical leave of absence.

As I mentioned, that's what I did twice - once with the college where my D's therapist kept her too low of a weight and she was self-destructive and the other was the IT - who kept her at a low weight saying she needed to "own her recovery".   None of these professionals understand how seriously ill and self-destructive with suicidal thoughts that someone gets when they are malnourished.

Sussan - Your D's Ed is the one making all these demands and negotiations with you and you need to remain strong and firm with ED.

I would still refuse to sign the loan - since that is giving your D and her ED the message that you will not support her illness.

I'm getting confused Sussan since my memory is not good - how much under her accurate target weight range is your D?
You know that the last 10 pounds, ED is full of rage.  
If there is a way to let your D know that you won't listen to her ED, and she needs to work this out with you in person with a professional, that would help.

The other thought is - did you have your D sign a consent for her T to talk to you directly?  That is another thing you can insist on.    Even if she hasn't signed a consent for them to talk to you about their treatment and recommendation, you still have the right to inform them of what you know and to educate them about your D's illness.  

Sending you strength and hope


WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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mec
You know what makes me SO mad? The U doesn't care about your d. They don't care about her education or her freedom or anything. All they care is about the $$. It doesn't matter who pays, whether you pay or whether she pays. All they care about is someone to foot the bill. This is SO disgraceful! ARGHGHGHGHGHHG!!!
21 year old daughter who was DX with RAN at 9 years old. The work of recovery is ongoing. 
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Red
Can you copy a letter to all the top people and medical centres on campus, detailing your observations and the fact that you are not paying for the loan, but will hold them responsible for a further decline into ill health?
The future is not set; there is no fate but that which we make for ourselves.

"Not my daughter, you bitch." Mrs. Weasley
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WeNWinning
Sussan 

Is it that the U doesn't care or they don't know about your D's medical condition and the threat to her health being on campus?  I don't recall if you'd let them all know, including her IT.

I am not sure that Maria's concern that they don't care is fully the case.  Or is it?

It would be helpful for you to write that letter and highlight all your concerns and why.  Include information you have from FEAST about eating disorders.  Reference good books, including Carrie's so they understand this illness.  This would be the time to educate them.  

It seems that if you not signing the loan which would be good to do ASAP - you can add this other intervention with the administrators, and mental health professionals at school.

Your D telling you that no one agrees with you, might not actually be the case.

My D's Ed was very cagey at telling people what they wanted to hear and/or things to keep them away.

Sending you strength and hope
WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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mec
Of course, I don't know this particular U or their advisors, financial officers, etc. I am making a generalized statement to the fact that there is an outrageous system from University systems in the US where they saddle students with unrealistic loans that they will never be able to pay. Just like we had the housing bubble due to unscrupulous lending practices, it looks like we will have a U financial bubble due to the hundreds of thousands of graduates who are unable to pay their unreasonalbe college loans. 

So, here is a parent who says I will NOT co-sign a loan to pay for my child's education next semester because she is ill with a catastrophic mental illness. In response, the U says "it doesn't matter, we will still give your child the loan even without a co-signer". They know that someone will have to be responsible for that loan and it will likely be the parents in the end. So, they are forcing their arm. I understand that there are people whose parents are unable to co-sign and who would never get a college education otherwise. But, in this case the parents themselves are talking to the U about this issue and they will still give the student the loan?  I simply don't trust that the financial advisors are looking out for the student's best interest but rather their own. Just my opinion. 
21 year old daughter who was DX with RAN at 9 years old. The work of recovery is ongoing. 
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WeNWinning
Is it the U providing her a loan?  Or is it the Federal govt or private loan?   I think the most important  piece here is that Sussan needs to get the information to the most appropriate people at that University - whether it is the Dean of Students, their Mental Health dept, etc with specifics about her D's illness and symptoms.

I know that when I did that, they responded immediately with a Medical Leave of Absence.

Financial Advisors are not the ones who have the ability to provide a medical leave of absence.
In Sussan's case, we don't know who has been informed about the serious nature of her D's illness and it would be most helpful to send a letter to all of them.

I think Red gave some very sound feedback
WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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panjtan
My dear friends, I am sorry I did not get back here sooner but I was reading your replies via my phone, I was sending and contacting emails to the ED specialist and also the MD Dr. which we have apt today.

Yesterday was the first day of school and we had some progress, just some... 
To answer your questions: We have not told the uni about her illness yet. The mental office just opened yesterday., but we went to uni and asked about the status of the Loan if we just  decline, we did not tell the registration/ financial office about the illness yet.

The loan is consists of 3-4 parts, and already set up. The  big chunk of it is from government, a grant from uni and a parental loan. Maria , I feel just the same as you.

On the other hand , yesterday I gave a last warn to my daughter that all right, when we decline the loan we will let you know soon. After a lot of anger and resistance, and not willing to see anyone; me being firm and strong , and absolutely no negotiation, It worked.
 I think she had been contacting her therapist at school by phone so many times. Finally, my d called my talking in a very calm tone and said she is willing to compromise with me, in any way that I ask her, and I need to comprise with her too. ( words are from her therapist). But said she still wants to stay for inter term, she does not need to come home. She said I will do the MD checkup, and I will see the ED specialist fbt which is in far distance, another state. She said she is not denying anything, but just to prove to me that I am too worried and she is fine and bla bla...

My dear friends, I think her willingness to see the top Ed, fbt( Dr. R) for me is a huge success. And I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to meet with her.

So , so far I could have a little sleep last night!
, But still am planning to what to do now, to make sure she is eating and weight check weekly until 3 week of this month to meet with the fbt. 

Today I am going to pick her up to see the MD. I think she has lost at least 15 pounds. 4-5 size pants from size 10 to size 4-5. I sent an email to this MD Dr.

Today I am going to tell my daughter the purpose of our plan . If she wants to stay there, she must be checked weekly in Dr office or in uni health center, and signs the release form, otherwise I would still consider declining the loan, and that is it.

If she says no, then I will go to the uni on Monday and this time I would inform everybody there.

Thank you all my friend, I have been reading your replies over and over to my husband, and he feels a huge relief that we have an owesome help and support and great guidance here in this fabulous forum. I will update soon. Love you all
  

 
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Red
It sounds like you have a positive plan. Good start!
The future is not set; there is no fate but that which we make for ourselves.

"Not my daughter, you bitch." Mrs. Weasley
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panjtan
Thank you my friends, I know that my d would not come home under any condition right now. She is getting herself so busy in a lot of rehersal and music programs that she loves and also going to gym daily.
 If she still  refuses to sign the reslease form; ( dear wenlow she has refused to sign it so far), and refuses to do weekly check , I will warn her first and then I am going to tell the uni health center, and send also an official  letter to them. I will send you my friends a copy of it.  
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WeNWinning
I am glad that you have a plan for a consultation with an FBT.  Do you have an FBT you can work with locally?   I think the sooner you can get your D evaluated by a top notch professional who can determine her accurate target weight range and provide a clinical assessment the better.

Then you will be able to let the university know that is the situation for your D and her health is at jeopardy.

Getting the best clinical evaluation even if it's for a consultation, will be an important first step.

All these activities your D is involved in are just her ED hiding her out there.
Stay strong Mom.


WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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panjtan
Yes ,  wenlow. Just wanted to add one sentence and leave  to pick up my d.  Its funny that she keeps telling me that she is not trying to hide anything from me....Poor my d.
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