F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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azmum
Hi my 16 year old daughter is currently sitting her gcses (a year behind after being in hospital for pretty much three years). She was discharged from hospital last august and I feel we have forged good relationships with her healthcare team (she transferred from camhs to adult services as she came out). She seems to be handling the stress of exams ok but her food intake has plummetted. Her dad (my husband of 19 years and partner of 23) left me the week she came out of hospital and is now living with a woman 13 years older than me... He sees my daughter once a week for about an hour inspire of living about half a mile away. We are going through a fairly acrimonious divorce inspire of my best efforts to keep things civil for our two kids. He won't communicate with me at all now and I have just found out that d nearly fainted when out with him this week. She didn't tell me because she wanted to see if he'd be a responsible parent and tell me or dr or just check up on her in the week. He didn't. She really struggled yesterday and he is supposed to be taking kids out today. I've just texted him to tell him about that and asked him not to walk too far because of it. He doesn't reply...I don't know if he's blocked my messages or is just ignorant and I don't know what to do to sort this and I'm worried for my daughter...
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deenl
Hi.

I wonder if you coach and role play with her would it be possible for her to advocate for herself? It's difficult but an important skill to learn and practice. (personally I find it easier said than done but do try to let them practice standing up for themselves)

The other thought I had was that maybe you can agree a line of communication with your ex for situations like this. Maybe a third party can help set it up.

I'm sure others will have more ideas.

Warm wishes

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Kali
Hi Azmum,

It is certainly extremely difficult parenting a 16-year-old with an active ED. It is even more difficult parenting a 16-year-old when you are going through a divorce.

But no matter what your ex chooses to do and how unhelpful he is going to be moving forward, I do think that many of the moms on this board have done the lion's share of refeeding and care and there will be others along to support you and tell you how they managed and you will also be able to do it. The questions are how can you help your d. increase her food intake? How much is she currently eating and does someone sit with her for meals? And does she need to be seen by the GP or emergency room if she is underweight and feels faint? And the big question: how can you find support for yourself so that you can continue to help your d. get well? You are working hard, she has a team, she has had care in the hospital and I know you are doing your best. But....

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She seems to be handling the stress of exams ok but her food intake has plummetted.


Can you get in touch with her team and let them know that her food intake has plummetted and ask their advice? During stressful times, someone with an ED needs increased support because their coping mechanism when dealing with stress may be restricting their diet even further, and it sounds as though this is what your d. may be doing.

Best wishes,

Kali



Food=Love
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Torie
I'm so sorry you are being hit with this double-whammy of divorce and ED.  Yikes.

I don't have anything to add to the helpful ideas others have already suggested - I just wanted to add my sympathy to the mix.  Ugh.

Your d is so very lucky to have you.  You are doing hero's work - times two.

Hang in there.  Keep going.  You can do this - you will get through. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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mjkz
It really sounds like your daughter needs more help than she is getting right now and maybe seeing her father is not the best idea when she is this sick.  It doesn't sound like he is as observant as he needs to be.  I'm not sure why your daughter didn't say something to him about how sick she felt is but in some ways that is a set up too.  No use in her making herself sick just to see if he is going to see how bad things are.  I like Kali's idea of her advocating for herself but also she has to realize this is a two way street.  He may never be observant enough which is sad but that may just be the way things will be with him.  She also needs to be able to say when she needs to stop and rest.
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OneToughMomma
Dear azmum.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.  Things must be so hard for you.

I'd like to suggest that you look more carefully at your d right now.  If her weight has plummeted as you say, then she is not handling things well. 

Has she had her blood pressure monitored lately?  Someone who is underweight and near fainting should be getting medical checks, I think.

Sending you warm support,

OTM


D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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