F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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teecee

So my 18 yr old AN D is currently undergoing EMDR which seems to be going well and came home last night asking us the benchmark we had for allowing her to go to Uni this autumn. 

We discussed what was required for her to go and more importantly stay there studying. 

The upshot of the conversation was that we agreed we needed a contract. She suggested if she was struggling with food one day and had a delayed lunch for example she would ensure she ‘made up’ for it before going to bed.

We suggested financing her if she continues to practice self care ie not isolating herself, feeding herself and choosing whole foods not light or diet etc. 


Any other must haves good people of FEAST?!

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Torie
Usually the contract includes regular medical monitoring (weight, blood pressure etc,), with sign off so parent(s) are authorised to get medical information.  Also "yellow zone" is specified (weight below x), with increased support specified and "red zone" weight also specified ... I should probably just let someone else post an actual example.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
We have that in it:
no moving out in the first 2 years, she needs to chose a University that she can reach with public transport
3 meals 2 snacks eaten every day (we never had 3 snacks)
half schedule for the first year at least (we continue that in the second year now)
at least 3 days eating at home every week (all meals)
going to doctors appointments and weighings regularly and share all information with us
when she loses more than 2 kg she has 2 weeks to turn that around or she needs to take a gap year

If I forgot something I will add later...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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teecee
Thank you both. One of the universities she is going for is approx an hour away so living at home is not an option sadly 🙁 that’s why I need to think about what I include. We are willing to pull her from her studies if her health goes backwards. She wants the opportunity to live away from home as she thinks she can succeed. 
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ValentinaGermania
I do not know about the public transport there but my d has 1,5 hours one way to university. So maybe that is not THAT far as you think at the moment. Could she go by car?
If she needs to move out think about a reduced schedule (we had 3 days at the first year and now 4) and ask her to come home for the rest of the week in the first year.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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teecee
Yes frequent stays home in the first year could work. Thanks for that. 
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ValentinaGermania
And ask her to eat at least one warm meal in the cafeteria each day. You can control that if she pays electronic. Practise eating in the cafeteria with her before, it is not easy with so many people around. We found a corner where she can sit and not see all the people in front 🙂.

If she refuses to come home regularly have a rule for that. One weekend is o.k., but not 2 in a row for example. Go and meet her there and eat with her there if needed to check she is o.k.
Try to make the doctors appointments in your home town so she must come home regularly for that also and so you can have information about that.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Kali
Hi Teecee,

I can tell you a little about what we did. 
We didn't have a contract that I asked her to sign, however I did present her with a list of things we needed her to do in order to be at school and be safe.

If you read back in my story you will see that my d. went off to college freshman year and because suicidal and did not eat. I brought her home right after Thanksgiving and she went into residential treatment. We put these measures in place when she went back to try again. So there was no argument from her. The measures we were taking were for her safety.

Things like:
She needed to be able to maintain her weight.
She needed to be in treatment and have a team and go be weighed every so often. She saw an MD specializing in eating disorders, a dietitian and a therapist. The MD prescribed her medication. She was under the care of the team for 2.5 years and then just saw the MD and therapist as needed.
All the hippa forms needed to be signed so that we could speak with any provider if we needed to and they could contact us if there was a problem. 
We would have frequent eyes on visits. In the beginning it was more frequent, first every two weeks, then every three weeks, and when I saw that things were ok once a month or so.
I gave her a credit card to use to buy groceries or eat out. That way she could never say that she didn't have enough money to buy food.
A couple of times when her weight slipped I made arrangements for her to come home and do some intensive eating, or i went up there for a week or so and we had meals together.
When I went up there we always did a big food shopping. She lived in a suite in the dorm with a kitchen and then lived in an off campus apartment. She applied for a special dispensation from the school to be placed in a suite with a kitchen due to her illness and that was granted. I did buy her some meal clips in the dining hall for lunch but mostly she cooked at home. Her roommates all knew what had happened to her and were supportive of eating meals together. A big issue that first semester had been that she was unable to go in the dining hall. She later admitted that she stopped going in the dining hall on Oct 31. I did not pick her up until Dec 3. So we made sure she had all options open to her to eat.
We had her stay and live at home and try a semester as a part time visiting student before we let her return to her college which was 4 hours away, on her own. We worked it out with the school that they accepted those credits.
We have a joint bank account and can see whether she is buying food or not.
Care packages with snack food around exam time are a nice touch

Let me also say that recovery was not a straight line. There were plenty of times when I worried and she lost weight and we corrected it.
I thought it was important for her to be successful and did what I could to make that happen.

Guess what? She has successfully finished college with stellar grades and already has a job lined up, and is living at home again. She is eating what I give her and seems to be able to cook and take her own food.

wishing your daughter all the best,

Kali
Food=Love
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teecee

That’s amazing Kali !
im so happy for you and your story gives me hope for my own D.  

yes I plan to be eyes on frequently in the first year for sure. 

I will also be giving her a food allowance for the same reason - so there is no excuse not to eat. 

 

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