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tina72

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Reply with quote  #51 
"my family would come but she hates it"
She does not need to like it. If it helps eating with others, then I would try that again. It is not your d that does not want to have your family around. I am sure she loves your family. It is ED that hates having your family around.
Yes, ideally you should show ED that you have control but you have the right to be exhausted now and then and if it works with your sister I would keep her in the boat because you need some breaks to avoid carer burnout (if possible).
Tina72

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makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #52 
Thanks scaredmom! It’s so nice to hear encoragement when you hear negative things all day! You all keep me strong. Xxx
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #53 
Hey makeherwell,
but the plan is working! As scaredmum says, you can hear the resolve in your post. So you r definitely beating ED and D is eating! So lovely that your D is calmer and you r having nice moments together, it makes it a bit easier when we can have that connection . Keep going and drop a line if u need encouragement.
Xx
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #54 
It is great that you have a plan and are really focused on getting the re-feeding going. It may also be worth considering not sending her back to school. You need to make up all of that lost 4kg plus some for her to be well enough to go to school. When at school she will needs supervision for all meals you need to make sure that her ED does not have a way back in. I agree that making sure you have this in hand and not your sister is important.

One of the really difficult things we have to do as parents is learn to deal with our own distress as well as our children. Your D will be able to drink normally again and will be able to eat normally again but ONLY if she recovers from this illness. At present I would focus on getting the calories in the best way you can. Having long sit ins with meals not finished is not helpful. Every meal in with enough food to be gaining at least 1kg per week is your only focus right now. Trying not to think about what has been lost or missed out on in the  process. She needs this and you are her best source. 

It is great that the hospital is supporting you. This is one problem we had where we could not get any support for missed meals. 

We are behind you. One meal at a time, one day at a time, she will get there if you can keep going. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
KLB

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Reply with quote  #55 
Reading this your d sounds similar to my s. He will not drink anything but water either. It makes things really difficult for getting enough calories in doesn't it?
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #56 
Thanks Foodsupport. Very wise words. School is hard. Her friends and being with them at school are her main motivation (which is why holidays are hard). We have kept her home if she hasn’t eaten properly but probably not consistently enough.
KLB - it completely sucks that drinks are hard. No smoothies, hot choc etc. All the things that are easy to hide calories. I have picked up good tips here though - my latest is full cream in the yoghurt!
Still fighting the good fight. Meals are being completed but not easy - it’s like a bad game. D: that looks like too much, Me: it’s what you need, D: I’m full, not eating any more Me: you need to finish D: storms off, Me: go and get her and say finish as you don’t want to have supplements at hospital D: finishes but slams down cup so last bit splashes Me: you’ll need to have more now D: f***** b**** I’m not having more. I’ve done what you wanted. Me: you need to replace the spill etc etc. Finally has more but stills spills bit. Aghhhh. Hopefully this will start to get less when she realises I’m not relenting. 🤞
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #57 
Hey makeherwell,
Your post makes me smile.
You sound strong and calm, and fighting the good fight! Am so happy for you and for your D. Conversation with your D sound like many I had with mine too, especially about it being too much. She has to fight, you r right, this will lessen when ED learns there is no choice. My D only occasionally tries to ‘ drop’ a bit of food now, so of course still watching with beady eyes. When do you go for weigh in? Sure you will see a gain!
Do you do blind weighs? I insisted on this cos D would fight harder to lose weight after any gain. Therapist wasn’t happy about blind weighs but I am and D calmer not knowing. Is hubby on board? Maybe you can have a meal off over the weekend?
🤗Hibiscus xx
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #58 
Thanks Hibiscus. Bit exhausted at the moment. Fighting over a muesli bar and milk. I sent H away for week as he is too soft and undermines me when I try to apply consequences (no, we don’t need to go to hospital, it’s only a little bit etc). She was also not eating with me and only wanted him because ED could get away with more. He’ll be back Sunday with some very strict rules!!
Yes, definitely blind weights. The paediatrician wanted to tell her so we did when she was near goal but it was disastrous so I put my foot down. She knows the direction (up/down) but not the actual weight. Back to the fight....
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #59 
Hey,
I’m sorry . It’s exhausting,especially as you r on your own. I think sometimes we run on pure adrenaline and collapse later. I know sometimes I am just as scared as my D but just faking it. Can sister pop over at all? Even just for company?
As I have said before my hubby also says undermining things at times, I know how hard it is, especially having to be the strong one all the time.
Feeling like a bit fat hypocrite at the moment, it has been a day of ups and then downs.
Hope you won the snack and dinner battles.
Pop her off to bed and have a glass of 🍷
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #60 
Thanks Hibiscus. Dinner was tough but supper was pretty good. I’m at the point where I think maybe it would easier for her mentally in hospital where she knows there’s no choice rather than struggle through each meal with me?? I want to prove I can take control but maybe hospital will allow us to re-set. What do you all think?

Hibiscus, what’s happening with your d? I reread your earlier posts. Is she at goal weight now? Great that she has stopped dropping! How’s h coping?? What was up and down today?
Torie

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Reply with quote  #61 
Quote:
Originally Posted by makeherwell
I’m at the point where I think maybe it would easier for her mentally in hospital where she knows there’s no choice rather than struggle through each meal with me?? I want to prove I can take control but maybe hospital will allow us to re-set. What do you all think?


If she can gain at a good clip at home, that is probably the best place for her.  In general, with a higher level of care, they learn to eat at the treatment center, but then they transition home and the battles start anew.  So my vote is to keep her home, if you can get the weight on there.  (If not, a higher level of care is of course in order.) xx

-Torie

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tina72

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Reply with quote  #62 
That is what I think, too.
That is the secret of FBT. If you can do it at home, you can do it anywhere and you can do it at any time (in case of a relapse). You will need to do it after IP anyway and the transition is not easy...
Tina72

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Ronson

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Reply with quote  #63 
Make her well - we also wondered about ip when it just felt so awful, every meal was a battle, my daughter was gone and our home was a war zone. However they kept saying to us that she would learn things from the others in in patients which might make her worse when she got home. We were able to eventually eat at home and now her eating is on course - she will eat her meals and very little complaining. She is coming back to us gradually. X
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #64 
Torie, Tina72 - thanks for your quick responses. It is true that this forum is here for support anytime! It’s a lifesaver. I agree I need to do it and prove to myself and ED I can beat it. It’s her obvious pain (the screaming, the banging her head etc) that hurts my heart and I know she doesn’t do that in hospital. She has a weigh in on my Monday with the paediatrician so I’ll wait to see the weight!!
tina72

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Reply with quote  #65 
The pain and the screeming and banging will get less by time. I know it is hard to stand that. Try to get out once a day for a short walk or do something nice for yourself to reload your batteries. That helps a lot. And come here as often as you can, that helped me a lot to stand all this! It is easier when you can write it down and hear from others that they survived it.
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Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #66 
Hi makeherwell,
How did your day go?
Judging from the posts, you had a late night. Sorry I had to check out for a bit but the advice you were given was strong. When my d had last really bad break down, I soo wanted them to hospitalise her, but they didn’t./wouldn’t.
Only option for me here is paediatric ward or specialist unit 1 hour away. And I am scared of how that may affect her. I had to do it.
I think you are doing an amazing job , especially by yourself but u need support. Can sister come over , not to take over but to say hi. I get why u sent hubby away but u are shouldering the load by yourself. I think about u often, daily and wonder how u r going.
If she gains weight and is medically stable, I would try to keep her at home. You have already done so many of the hard yards . It’s awful but it does get easier.
We r ok I think , thanks for asking. She started yesterday so happy and had a great happy confident day at school. They played the chocolate game and she ate some as well which is huge for her, she had always loved chocolate but hasn’t eaten any for nearly a year now. However she or ED decythat she didn’t need afternoon tea given chocolate and I kept thinking about what you said about ed being on the last bite and also that she should be able to eat freely ( which she did) and not later restrict food.( which she wanted to) anyway refused afternoon tea and I made it clear computer and iPod off limits. I I didn’t battle as I think it doesn’t work with her( hence hypocrisy comment$)lots of discussion however and she spoke to me about how she isn’t ill anyways she can eat now but even though there are things she would like to eat she doesn’t as she reckons her brain is wired differently now, many other things Including how it is all my fault. It was eerie, it wasn’t like her normal tone. It was like listening to Ed talk. In Later discussion she told me that she hates it when I am not there when she eats cos it is easier to hide food. ( crying her guts out at this point) and told her I would be there and not give up on her. She ate dinner and went to bed at 7pm to try to escape the thoughts( she told me earlier she doesn’t have) . She also had her old diary’s out and let me start to read them.
And I could identify the start of ed. All very confronting and I know I don’t have any of the skills to help her work through this stuff. So ended up feeling useless and that I would muck it up. Entire afternoon felt like a backwards step forward.
This am she was cranky about no electronics and I said she had to have biscuits and milk missed yesterday to get them back. She did this about 10 am. Then was angry and cried.
I think sometimes I see beginning of brain recovery and then ED kicks her in the teeth for having a good day or eating a god dam Piece of chocolate .
After all of this we had a good day and she ate fear food for dinner then ed kicked back in at bedtime as apparently I won’t let her be skinny like she wants to be so therefore I am not listening.
Sorry for vents. I often think I am messing this up. I also think I cannot offer good responses on this forum like others. Feeling low. Sorry am tired and emotional.
Xx
Ps this stupid phone won’t let me see beginning of this post so hope it is ok. Sorry it is too much about me/ us.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #67 
"Sorry for vents. I often think I am messing this up. I also think I cannot offer good responses on this forum like others. Feeling low. Sorry am tired and emotional."
Please, please do stop saying sorry for venting. I cannot say it as often as it seems to be needed but if you cannot vent here, where else? This is the place to vent and this is the place to say that it is not all perfect and it is not working and I am tired and do not know how to go on. This is the place and we do not have another one so this is the right use of that forum I think.
I think you really do offer great responses and great help for others, Hibiscus. You tell others that you are in bad days, too. That helps them to see they are not alone. You tell others that xy is not working and that you do not know what to do next. That is help for those who struggle also with first steps and do not know how to carry on. The best help you can offer is to show others how your life is at the moment and what problems you have and what you already tried and what worked and what not. And that you are a human being with emotions and not an endless capacity of power.
But you also tell others that tiny steps of progress are there in you home and that you have accieved something in the last weeks. And that helps others to have some hope and to think "hey, if she can do it I may be able to do that, too." That is help on a very high level. It gives hope. And that is the most important thing you need now.
You are still at the beginning and you changed so much already. Try to see that. All the tiny baby steps are a big step altogether.
It will get better. I did not believe I will get my life back but there it is. Not 100 % already but I would say about 90-95%. That is something I did not dare to accieve 1 year ago. So keep going. Your life will come back, too.
Tina72


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Torie

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Reply with quote  #68 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hibiscus
Ps this stupid phone won’t let me see beginning of this post so hope it is ok. 


It was a great post.  I especially loved this: "Entire afternoon felt like a backwards step forward."  And also that your d admitted she needs you with her for her meals - that's HUGE!  Keep up the good work. xx

-Torie


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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #69 
Hibiscus
Please know you matter. Your posts matter to me and all of us. You are doing well with your child. This post shows how much you are doing this really helps everyone.
By sharing your story you are teaching everyone. You are always are so supportive and caring to all of us. Thank you for being here. She ate fear foods... maybe a gold star?? We all have bad days. It’s ok to vent. None of us are therapists and know the right answer to be perfect for our child. We just have to be good enough parents and dealing with ED I think we are outstanding parents! You have seen her thoughts and you recognis there is an issue. You will help her through that just like helping her through Ed. None of us felt equipped but look how far you have come. A while ago did you think you could take on Ed?
Well here you are crushing it and helping others every day.
XXX

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Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #70 
Oh forgot to mention SHE ATE CHOCOLATE!!!
Gold star moment time!!!!
XXX

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Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #71 
I go to bed down and wake up feeling supported.
Thanks Tina, I am not very good at asking for help and I do need to get some of this out and not let it keep swirling around in my head.
Torie, D comment about needing me for meals WAS huge after telling me she was fine, she begged for my help.
Scaredmum, thank you also.
And yes not only chocolate but she ate it AT SCHOOL, IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
Is a massive step forward
Thanks for all your support guys xx
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #72 
You are all superheroes!!!! Hibiscus for sharing and everyone else for caring so much. Hibiscus your constant support and check in means so much especially given your own battles. They are so similar it makes me feel less alone. Chocolate is amazing step, H but sorry you needed to pay a price.

Every second of every day, I want to drop my d at the ED ward so she’ll eat properly and I know she is good hands but I also know I can’t give up - being home is what my real d despartely wants.

Sometimes I think not even a saint could stay calm as they scream in your face, say nasty hurtful things, throw food or pots, slam doors. You want to scream back or give up but you do neither and just take it all with a calm facade (and then she accuses you of having no compassion or heart).

Sorry, now I’m ranting. H and boys back today so we’ll see how it goes. H is under very strict instructions but I’m not sure he won’t crack under pressure.

Weigh in tomorrow - wish me luck!!!
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #73 
Hey makeherwell,
Well clearly you are a saint and doing some of your best and hardest mothering. You must be exhausted after a tough week by yourself.
She doesn’t mean what she says, it’s ED trying to drive u away, and you are sticking with her! You are the hero.
Good luck with husband , if he can’t say stuff to back you up ask him to not say anything and look supportive. She needs to think you r both on the same page. I hope evening goes well for you all.
Am sure it will be lovely to see your boys. Let me know how it went tomorrow or later tonight.
With you in spirit
Xx🌺
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #74 
Oh and good luck with the weigh in!
Xx
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #75 
Thanks Hibiscus. I hope she doesn’t mean what she says. Today it was ‘I can never see us having any sort of connection again, ever’. It was a punch in the gut after such a hard week. I said ‘if you hate me but you are well, then that’s the price I’ll pay’.
H is back and mostly just observing. He did try to be the nice guy to get her to finish a drink but I said we do it together. It was so nice to have boys back. Does your d have siblings? If so, how are they coping.
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