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tina72

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Reply with quote  #76 
"I said ‘if you hate me but you are well, then that’s the price I’ll pay’."
That is what I said, too.
And guess what? Today we are as close as before or even closer. And she does not even remember most things she said to me.
So yes: she does not mean what she says. I am sure about that. It is ED talking.

Tina72

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d off to University now 22 months after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #77 
Hey makeherwell,
Tina72 is right, that is ED trying to think of things to say that will really hurt you and drive you away. D loves needs and wants you but is not able to say this now. You are obviously doing great work if ED if fighting so hard. It will calm down and she will tell you that she loves you again. My d still gets angry and also wants lots of affection and love and spontaneously tells me she loves me. Your d will too( and still does now) . It is a traumatic experience for both of you and very bonding.
Glad h and sons are back. Sounds like h is trying to be supportive and learning from you how this works now. Good on you for being clear with him.
Did your d act the same way about food or was she any calmer? ED may push to see if hubby has same response as you. I generally do all the meals and snacks here as he is too soft and never established the same boundaries/ expectations as me.
Hope the boys had a good time away, not sure how old they are but bet you were happy to give them a hug. Good luck with the weigh today
Xx
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #78 
Quote:
Originally Posted by makeherwell
‘if you hate me but you are well, then that’s the price I’ll pay’.


This is so hard but so true. I had to say this over again too. 
The good part is that this is rarely the case. Calm firm determination about doing what needs to be done.   
Sending you some cyberhugs.

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #79 
They take it out on those who will always be there. She knows you love her. She knows she is safe with you even when she is yelling that she hates you. The mantras do help. She will come back to her loving self. My d said I did all of Ed to her etc... it was all my fault .
Now a hug anytime and any place even in public!
It does get better
XXX
Nicstar4

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Reply with quote  #80 
Ugh soul destroying to hear some of the things they say.
Keep calm where possible, and keep going, you are doing an amazing job!!!
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #81 
Thanks lovely ladies! We had a win - 1.5kg gain in a week. Now to just keep going....
tina72

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Reply with quote  #82 
Yeah!!!
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Nicstar4

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Reply with quote  #83 
What amazing news!!! Keep up the great work. I hope it gets a little easier soonish. Know that in our house it is up and down. Just when I think we had a good meal, and we are on a roll we get get a blinder!
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #84 
Very true Nicstar! We had to snack in car on way back from clinic and it went down the bra, down the side of seat etc. I eventually pulled over and said we had to start the snack all over when we got home. She did it without too much fuss!!
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #85 
Congratulations, that is such great news! Great weight gain, and that she accepted the renewed snack. Eating in cars can be deadly, and my car has the crumbs to prove it! So happy for you both.
XX
D ate lasagne tonight ! So great day here too.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #86 
Quote:
Originally Posted by makeherwell
We had a win - 1.5kg gain in a week.


Awesome!!  Makes my heart sing to read that!

And, Hibiscus, yay for the lasagna!  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #87 
Thanks Torie and Hibiscus. I know if my d ever touched lasagne she would be fully recovered!! Difficult day today - still finishing but taking long time (taking beaks, arguing, picking). She said its always hard on day after appointment. I feel really tired but still determined. Thanks for keeping me strong!!
tina72

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Reply with quote  #88 
She will eat lasagne again. I am sure.
The days of/after apointment were hard here, too. It will get better tomorrow. Keep swimming!
Tina72

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Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #89 
Hey makeherwell,
It has always been hard for my d too after appts, even when being blind weighed. I don’t know maybe confronting or they knowthat we know, or reminder about it all. I tended to dread appt days for this reason.
It is tiring though, u are doing so well. It is heavy duty work. Can anyone give you a meal or snack off?
. D ( or ED) is getting that u mean business so it will get easier. But what a fantastic week , truly impressed that your d accepted that she needed to replace messed up snack. u should be proud of yourself!

Lasagna will be coming your way soon
Xx🌺
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #90 
Aghhh. We are still getting through meals but they are all so incredibly hard. She said she’s struggling after putting on weight this week.

The real challenge is she is getting up all the time during the meal to spit in sink (sorry, disgusting) and to take ‘breaks’. I know she’s doing this to hide/ get rid of food if she can. I’m not sure how to keep her seated without physically forcing her? I add extra food but that doesn’t stop it. I think I’ll have to go hard and take her in to hospital for supplement if she continues. Not sure how else to break the habit?
tina72

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Reply with quote  #91 
Why does she know that she has put on weight this week?
Can you think about blind weighing? That changed a lot here. If they do not know what they weigh and how much they put on they can eat more easily. Try to have a poker face and do not comment the result at all. The nurse here only says "thank you" to her and has a poker face, too [wink].

Can you serve the meals in another room without a sink and just lock the door during meal time? Can you set a time limit to avoid too much breaks? Can you tell her you will need to add more food if she is moving around all the time during meals because that burns too much energy?

Tina72

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Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #92 
Hi makeherwell
Sounds like ed working on a loophole is this a recent thing?
I agree u need to stop it ASAP as it will escalate even further than this.
I would use any leverage you have be it hospital, phone otc. there may be a bit of a response to whatever you decide to stop the spitting or ‘ breaks’ .

Re time taken eating, could you say something about her needing to eat faster or she may not be able to go to school? ( sorry if this is on the table at moment) this would be logical time wise anyway, maybe she needs to show you she can do meals in 20 /30 minutes ?

Hang in there
Xx
Torie

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Reply with quote  #93 
I don't know if this would be a possibility, but some have found that they can seat ED-kid in between parents so that there is no way to escape.  I wonder if you can require immediate replacement with a small amount of Boost/Fortisip/whatever?  It's great that you are working to nip this in the bud.  Personally, I would try to insert the word "normal" into the conversation: "It isn't normal to spit during the meal" or whatever.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #94 
Hi makeherwell
R u ok?
makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #95 
Hi H, sorry I didn’t have the emotional energy to write though I really appreciated the replies above. I’m doing all of the above - use whatever leverage, remind her we are aiming for normal, block access to sink etc

Tina, we blind weigh her but she knows she went up because she wasn’t admitted. I will definitely keep a neutral face this week!

Been a very tough 3 days - looong meals, constant negoiatons etc. It’s the lying and hiding that is doing my head in!! She gets up and spits out food or spits it down her top and won’t let me search. She flat out lies. I know it’s the ED but it’s driving me insane!

H is going to take over for the day tomorrow so I can recharge. Schools back Monday so she has been more motivated today. Another weigh at clinic on Monday - I think we may have just maintained the gain!! We will know if she is cleared for school then too.

How are you Hibiscus? Winning the war??
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #96 
Hi - we do blind weighs - but our d thinks we don’t know the weight which helps cos then she can’t question us - then afterwards we get a phone call. It’s convoluted but it works for us.

Try where possible to avoid the negotiation although it is hard. But factually state - this is your food, I know what is right for you and I need you to eat this.

I hate the lies too -it is heartbreaking but yes it is the ed doing it.

We used a lot of leverage at the start and it did work.



makeherwell

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Reply with quote  #97 
Thanks Ronson - definitely something to think about! Not getting dragged into negotiations is so hard but I’ll keep trying. Thanks for sharing your ideas. Xx
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #98 
Yes it is really hard - but ultimately futile so if you can avoid I would. X
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #99 
Hi makeherwell,
sounds like it has been tough. Am really glad you are getting a break tomorrow, fighting their/ ED resistance is hard work. I hate the lying too, and also my d was taking’ offence’ saying I didn’t trust her or being really angry that I was super vigilant yeah it’s ED but still wears you down.
So what exactly is happening? It sounds like she is slipping back again, is that right?
Is she wasting a lot of food again? What is she negotiating?
Isn’t she scared of going to hospital for top up if she doesn’t comply/ or stop spilling/ spitting out anymore?
Sorry for questions, just trying to get a sense of it.
All of this is really hard on your own, especially when I guess hubby at work all day too. You have been working hard, but you need support too. What can Therapy team offer? Or can your sister lend some moral support?
This is tough stuff and you need both rest and support.
Although you must be desperate for d to go back to school to have a little breather( or I know I would be) maybe it would be better for d if they didn’t clear her to go back to show her that this is serious business.?

Xx
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #100 
Makeherwell, I am sorry it is so hard at the moment.
I wonder how your d is with rules? With my d rules from other people not me ,worked. But I had the team tell her the rules that I made and that they agreed. So then I could say to d that the team all decided this was the correct way etc...
So I wonder is there can be a rule at the table if she spits food down the top she only wears her underwear. It is shocking yes but may be you need to shock ED. And that no matter what you tell her you will search her and that is the rule.

The lengths we have to take to outwit ED!
XXX
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