F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Christmas_USA
That is the question. I have been checking my d's journal, to keep updated on how she is really feeling. Sometimes she tries to pretend everything is all right. It has been very helpful, since I am able to have insight and address some issues I may have otherwise overlooked. But tonight I left it out while I was making her smoothies, and the open page got splatters! I have not out right lied to my d before. If she asked what was in the food, I answer the standard " what you need". I know some may consider it a lie to ommit, but this disease has made us all react in ways I never would have dreamed. So, I am wondering what to say if she asks in the morning. I don't see any other answer but yes I did read it, or a direct lie "what journal?"
Looking forward to what you all think.
Thank you in advance!
PS - i have always felt she wants me to read the journal, so I am hoping she won't ask!
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Foodsupport_AUS
Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle. I think all of us have at times been economical with the truth to avoid stirring up the beast. In the past this is what you have done. If she asks though I think you are obligated to let her know that yes you did see it, and that you are sorry that you were careless and got smoothie on it. If she asks have you looked before I would also be honest there too. 

She does still need to have trust in you, and lying when she knows it is a lie ( there is after all food in it that she didn't put there), will break her confidence over and above her perhaps feeling invaded. 
I admit to having done similar things in the past when my D was suicidal, however since that is less of a concern I do try and allow her privacy of her thoughts.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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dms

such a quandary, they do seem to always leave that trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow but then are easily angered when we do... my vote is wait to see if she asks, and if she does, say something about yes, you had picked it up and didn't know what it was so looked but then realized it was private so stopped - which is indeed the truth, even if you stopped late....
and for the record, I supervise my daughter's internet use for the same reason, using a silent stealth program called webwatcher that provides a record of websites, emails, etc and is also on her phone for me to monitor her texts. Privacy is important, so she has the belief she is private, but the ED simply can't be left unwatched and at her age (15) the ED can come up with some incredibly devious ways to hide everything, making the stealth supervision so important and it has often helped us open a door to a conversation we otherwise wouldn't have known she needed...

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Psycho_Mom
Yes, I understand your predicament and could easily have been or be in it myself in future. I faced the lie question early on, with smoothies (what is in them? What you need. That means there must be ice cream in them! i won't eat it ! aaaaagghghghggh!) And developed my rules:
1. try not to lie. 
2. if you have to for health or sanity, lie and be fine about it. It's for a greater truth: the life of your child.
3. But don't get caught!

My daughter, like perhaps many of ours, has a hugely developed sense of fairness, black and white truth-or-lie ideas (which don't stop her from not being able to tell me when she doen'st eat a snack of course) and right now, in Phase 2 when she's eating well but only exactly what I tell her to, trust is a huge thing. She absolutely has to feel she can trust me, because she needs the reassurance against the ed thoughts which plague her. Also, she talks to no one else. Also, she is starting to understand that her perceptions of things like body size are goofed up, and so she needs to be able to believe me when I tell her she is not really humungous but looks beautiful.

And yet I too read her journal, (when I'm concerned by her mood), look on her computer and snoop in her stuff (if I have reason to suspect something bad like an uneaten snack). Actually, I think we told her long ago when she first got a cell phone that we wouln'dt be reading her texts or anything, EXCEPT if we thought it was necessary for her health or safety. There you go.

Fess up (she's going to notice smoothie splatters, guaranteed!) and tell her you are sorry but it is your responsibility as a parent to keep her safe, and her mood was worrying you so much that you felt it necessary to invade her privacy in order to find out if you needed to do something further (like talk to your t, take away sharps, consider medications, whatever) to keep her safe. Perhaps it could help her understand and motivate her to talk to you more directly, as then your worry level would go down and you woulnd't have to read her journal.

best wishes,


D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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Red
In your situation, I'd go for the truth. Perhaps a calm, unapologetic "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe." would cover it?
The future is not set; there is no fate but that which we make for ourselves.

"Not my daughter, you bitch." Mrs. Weasley
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Ellie_J
If you feel that telling her the truth would be too disruptive - how about just hiding the journal and if she asks where it is tell her you don't know? It's all about surviving in the moment.

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Christmas_USA
Well . . She hasn't asked. Which leads me to believe she really wants me to read it. I am going with the truth, if it ever comes up.
Thank you all for your input.
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IrishUp
Christmas, that seems likely to me as well. Our d also would leave "tells" around - including her journal. I also interpreted this kind of thing as her healthy mind reaching out to us to help her. I think we can forget that all that aggressive behavior ED shows on the outside is as much driven by their own terror at being so out of control, as by anything else.

FWIW, what I did, was tell D straight up that when and if it came to a choice between her right to privacy, and my responsibilities to keep her safe, and keep our home safe from ED, I would take every action I thought necessary to protect the latter. I told her it was unfortunate that ED had compromised her privacy, and that I was looking as much forward to NOT having to resort to searching her room and bags, as she could be. I told her I trusted HER implicitly, and ED, not in the slightest.
IrishUp
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perdido
Same here, our d leaves the food she didn't eat in her dresser. Before when I found out I could have fed a small tribe.
We definitely didn't trust ED around here.
 


Slow and steady
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YogurtParfait_US
There was no snooping I could have done to learn of my 7 1/2 year old daughter's AN before she told me, but she did say that she had been hoping and hoping that I would notice, and that when she left food uneaten or only ate 2 m&ms her heart screamed "MAKE ME EAT."

It's great to have these signs--diary, dresser drawer, etc., where you child can covertly communicate. What a blessing!
"Hope is a wonderful thing ... but hope by itself is not enough. Hope is the reason to take action, to make a plan and then to change the plan when it isn’t working - over and over and over again if necessary." Hannah Joseph (Let's Feast Friday Reflection, "Just Keep Going," Friday, March 3rd, 2015)
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