F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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deenl Show full post »
Torie

mulberry wrote:
And yes, I was thinking that any change we make probably couldn't make it worse, and that we need to change something, so getting my husband to eat with her, or do shifts with me is one of the next plans.  


I wonder what would happen if you said something like, "Here's your meal; if I can't help you well enough so that you can eat this, your dad will have to try and see if he can do a better job helping."  Maybe that would push her into eating, or maybe, as Tina said, her dad would have a way of being tough on ED that would work.  At a minimum, it would take the weight off your shoulders for at least that one meal.

mulberry wrote:
I am starting to get very depressed a lot of the time, and I know this won't help my daughter, and adds to the guilt of not being able to make any headway. But, I can't just "snap out of it".


Oh my gosh, it is so exhausting, depressing, and all around awful!  Please be sure to take care of yourself as best you can, and remember that feeling guilty does't help your d, doesn't help you, doesn't help anyone other than ED and the last thing you want to do is help ED.  So try to push the guilt away - this really isn't your fault! xx

-Torie

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Francie
Hi Mulberry, I am sorry to know that you are feeling depressed and can't just 'snap out of it'. I have been there. And you are right that it's not helpful for your situation. The forum is great for support but i sometimes need face-to-face support. Here are some ideas:

Get a therapist for yourself -- someone who knows about Eating Disorders would be a plus

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness - https://www.nami.org/) has support groups for carers and there are local chapters by state. They are not 'eating disorder' carer support groups, but there are carers who are dealing with all sorts of mental illnesses so there is commonality and understanding. 

Al Anon - I dived head first into support through Al Anon because my D has had substance abuse issues. It's a loving group, and I have found people there who have recovered from ED, or who know of someone with an ED, so it's been very supportive and positive. It has given me strength.

Also Feast-ed founder/member, Laura Collins Lyster Mensh does support phone calls for parents, she just asks for a small donation. My H and I did one with her weeks ago and it was helpful. She even scheduled it in the evening when my H and I could be together. It was very worth it: http://www.circummensam.com/schedule-a-support-phone-call.html   

Best of luck to you and your D and family. XO

Francie

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ValentinaGermania
Hi mulberry,
how are you doing?
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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mulberry
Hi Tina72

Thanks for your message, I've stayed away for a few days as I needed a break from going over and over things and making myself too anxious to function, and remain calm and consistent.

We have our therapist/psychologist session and weigh-in today, so we have a number of things to discuss with the team about how to move forwards, get extra support etc.  I am certain d will have lost weight, as she has become super dug-in over the last week and I feel things have gone backwards.  It's so strange because a couple of weeks ago, I felt we were turning a corner, she started drinking milkshakes again, but mentally she has slid right down and is trying to restrict more again.  I am trying so hard, but nothing I do seems to make her eat more.  Although, over the weekend on Saturday, I went out for a long walk with a friend, which put me in a better place mentally, and I felt much calmer when faced with d not eating her lunch.  I did get her to eat a bite more omelette; it is better if I am not panicked and upset by the total refusal.  If each bite feels like "life or death" to me (which it is really) it is MUCH harder to stay calm.

The doctor (psychiatrist) spoke to me on the phone on Friday for a long time, and did make me feel supported which was valuable in itself.  She has put d's medication up from the minimum starter dose, it might help with the anxiety. 

thanks to all for support

xx
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Torie
Oh dang, it really sucks that recovery is not linear.  Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the rule no matter how hard we try.  Please remember that we all go through that - it's not just the Mulberry household.

Glad you were able to take the nice walk and speak with the psych.  It's so important to take care of yourself as best you can while you're engaged in this awful battle for your d.

Hang in there.  It does get better. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
Hi mulberry,
"I am trying so hard, but nothing I do seems to make her eat more."
She will not eat more free willingly until very proper WR and additional time x.
Up to then you need to serve more if you want her to eat more. She cannot decide it.

"Although, over the weekend on Saturday, I went out for a long walk with a friend, which put me in a better place mentally, and I felt much calmer when faced with d not eating her lunch."
Great that you had that time with your friend and could stay calm afterwards. What did you do when she didn´t eat her lunch?

How was the appointment?
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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deenl
Hi everyone,

I thought it was about time that I updated. 

There are many things in our ED journey that are going very, very well. The thing I am happiest about is his continuing improvement in the social sphere. When he started back to school he hung around with the same groups as his brothers but over the last few months has moved to a group of his own friends. He has started to see them outside school and they are planning a fantasy game afternoon every two weeks at our place. This style of progress is so absolutely typical of my little introvert; I have seen it all his life. He finds his safe spot, gets to know the lay of the land and slowly but surely in his own time takes step after step out of his comfort zone. Any attempt to impose our timeline backfires by giving attention to the issue and increasing his anxiety. From trial and error over the years, we know that gentle positive reinforcement and casual references to next steps he could take (like letting the club meet here) along with our expectations and confidence that he will find his place/the way are the parenting skills we need to use with him. In our own unique case I am very glad that we do not work with a therapist as I am not confident that they would support our approach and would try to drive the timetable and steps more in accordance with their training and their idea of a 'typical' teen. On the other hand, maybe we could have made progress quicker. Who knows?

I am so very glad that H and I have the confidence to know that we are good enough parents and that we know our kid best. As we all know this is not a state we get to easily. In the early days we questioned and doubted absolutely everything about ourselves, our parenting, the impact of our relationship on the kids, the choices we made about where to live and where to send the kids to school, our inability to see our kid slip into hell right before our eyes, etc. In our confusion we took a step back and allowed the professionals to lead our son's treatment. It didn't go well. We took back the lead and flailed around until we found this forum. I have regrets but not guilt about this period. Regrets because, of course, I wish that my son't path to recovery was as short as possible. No guilt because that learning curve is an essential part of the journey. We parents cannot know the knowledge we need, we do not yet have the skills and even then we need practice and trial and error before we can apply them successfully to our unique family and situation. My lack of guilt is also based on the fact that H and I never gave up searching for the answers. Of course, we also got very lucky with a pediatrician who was totally on our side. A godsend. But even without her we would have found a way to succeed.

It's funny how this illness changes our perspective. ED son has known for a week or two that he would have to give a very short presentation to the class this morning. The odd though about it over the last few days but no work, last night asking around the family if anyone had ideas and eventually got it started, this morning said it wasn't finished and he'd finish it on the way to school or in the classroom during the class announcements. All chill and no panic. I found myself saying how great it was to see him being balanced in his standards to school work and complimenting him on doing something at the last minute that was good enough. In my own head, I was laughing at how different that was from what most parents would say in the same situation. [biggrin]

Anyway, I weighed and measured yer man over the weekend. 1.5 cm growth and no loss of weight in the last month. Happy with that. I would like to bump up the weight as we are just barely keeping up. Unfortunately, H has severe digestive illness so needs a very specific diet which is tricky to manage without being too triggering. We are going with minimising talking/commenting/planning around ED son and constant repitition that this is a very unusual case with special short term requirements. Lots of planning and cooking for me. I am in the process of building my own collection of meal plans and recipies that I can adapt for all the members of the family without too much work.

ED son also has some leftover ED habits, primarily the dreaded 'last bite'. I have really started to crack down on this to the point of being back to scowls and nasty remarks every day. Sigh. But I'm damned if I'm going to leave this cursed illness with even the slightest foothold in my son's brain. I am also slowly but surely passing on knowledge about steps needed to prevent relapse; just a comment here and there to start. We are also able to discuss his illness and recovery in short chats and if a link naturally appears in conversation. For example, his brother was offered an appointment with one of the first professionals we saw. I told the kids about it and asked ED son if he remembered her. Yep (he has forgotten absolutely nothing [frown]) so I laughingly said that they know why I asked for someone else! (Personally, this brought up a whoosh of emotional flashbacks that I hadn't expected and took a few days to calm) We don't need to tiptoe around topics anymore and I feel it is healthy to chat about his history and give it it's appropriate place in our past as a crummy experience but one that in time we will look back on a simply something that happened. I still plate and supervise most meals. Whatever he does not eat at lunch he brings home, openly and honestly. Of course, I have to encourage that honesty in my reaction. Calm, consistent, matter of fact and sometimes no comment. The response is appropriate at this stage in our situation.

As for the rest of us ... When ED son went back to school in September, I had a complete burnout. Obviously, I kept cooking and feeding but not much else. I organised an assessment to confirm what I already knew; that I have ADHD, primarily inattentive. Also one of the other kids. So I have been working with an ADHD coach and taking meds to support me while I get my life back on track. I am clearing the backlog of a house full with stuff, administration years in arrears and self care. I am also continuing to give support to the other two kids who need it at school. Hubbie and I are also paying attention to his poor health and quality of life and looking at where we can improve things, one step at a time. Of course, it is not all perfection. I am making a birthday cake/little party tomorrow for H and eldest son who's birthdays were two weeks ago! Better late, than never. We are also spending much time and emotional energy supporting an extended family member who has been in hospital for the last 7 weeks. So pretty much a normal picture of family life after a severe illness of long duration; trying to get back on track and keep all the balls in the air. God, I can't wait to get stuck in a rut. Sounds boring and wonderful.

Hang in there folks and keep feeding.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Kali
What a wonderful update! So happy for your son and your family. Take care of yourself.

Kali
Food=Love
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ValentinaGermania
"It's funny how this illness changes our perspective. ED son has known for a week or two that he would have to give a very short presentation to the class this morning. The odd though about it over the last few days but no work, last night asking around the family if anyone had ideas and eventually got it started, this morning said it wasn't finished and he'd finish it on the way to school or in the classroom during the class announcements. All chill and no panic. I found myself saying how great it was to see him being balanced in his standards to school work and complimenting him on doing something at the last minute that was good enough. In my own head, I was laughing at how different that was from what most parents would say in the same situation. [biggrin]"

Thanks a lot for that update, deenl. It is so good to find hope reading your story.

I experienced the same as you, our perspective on our kids is so different from others.
I had an inner party when she first did not do her homework, when she first finished a test 30 min before ending time and did not correct it over and over until the last minute. When she said yesterday "I think I have learned enough for this test and I will do something else now".

A former friend who´s d is not good at school did not understand why I want my d to learn less and to do something else but homework and that I encouraged her not to learn any more for a test. She thought I was arrogant because my d is gifted. I can understand you totally.

Thanks again for all your help here and for coming back for that update.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.
Send you an enormous hug. It will not need much time from Germany to the Netherlands [biggrin]!
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Thanks for your update. Your son has gone from strength to strength with your help. 

So many of us have changed our expectations for excellence with our children. I have known parents to take months off work to "assist" their children with studying for final exams for school such is the emphasis placed on them. For me it was much more about insisting she took time off for rest, relaxation and socialisation. The marks would be whatever they were. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Torie
Aw deenl, so glad to read this update!  I think your story is really important for everyone to read because it helps us better appreciate that we each need to find our own way.  And you have done that, in spades -  Three cheers for Team Deenl!  xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Mamaroo
Thanks for the update! Great to hear things are going well.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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eternalhope
Deenl, thank you so much for the update. I follow your story and so appreciate how you share finding your own path. I’m so glad to hear you all are doing well.
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deenl
Hi toothfairy,

Just getting time to reply now. Thanks so much for asking.

We are doing ok. He is growing like an absolute weed - 2cm in the last 7 weeks so he's underweight again. I still serve all his food and all he has to do is eat. Trying slowly but surely to engage and inform him more but he still thinks it wasn't as bad as it was. Ah well, at least he's still at home and I can keep an eye on him.

Hope all is good in your neck of the woods.

Hugs,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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ValentinaGermania
"2cm in the last 7 weeks"
unbelievable....really....what do you feed that kid [biggrin]
I hope he will stop that soon so you can get him back on track.
I am so glad that my d is not really growing any more!
Keep swimming, deenl! Even that will stop sometimes...
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Kali
Deenl,

I'm sure you will get your son back on track with some of your famous soups. 😉

What a good sign that he is growing! That means he has enough nourishment to do that and I'm sure his weight will catch up.

Cheers,

Kali

Food=Love
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Mamaroo
Thanks for the update, I'm glad to hear he is growing so much [biggrin]
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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cm72
Wow. Deenl-thanks for sharing your story.
I've seen this post many times before and finally got a chance to read it. I love it. I'm trying to keep sort of a diary here as well with my posts so that in a year or two down the line, perhaps I can help someone else. I love that you tried the gentle approach. I am finding the fear food introduction and "life stops until you eat" approach is not working. She is good on eating her normal foods and i'll just get the calories in using those for now.
Can you tell me when you started introducing fear foods? Perhaps I missed that post. How did it go when you did that?
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KLB
deenl wrote:

I am so very glad that H and I have the confidence to know that we are good enough parents and that we know our kid best. As we all know this is not a state we get to easily. In the early days we questioned and doubted absolutely everything about ourselves, our parenting, the impact of our relationship on the kids, the choices we made about where to live and where to send the kids to school, our inability to see our kid slip into hell right before our eyes, etc. In our confusion we took a step back and allowed the professionals to lead our son's treatment. It didn't go well. We took back the lead and flailed around until we found this forum. I have regrets but not guilt about this period. Regrets because, of course, I wish that my son't path to recovery was as short as possible. No guilt because that learning curve is an essential part of the journey. We parents cannot know the knowledge we need, we do not yet have the skills and even then we need practice and trial and error before we can apply them successfully to our unique family and situation. My lack of guilt is also based on the fact that H and I never gave up searching for the answers. Of course, we also got very lucky with a pediatrician who was totally on our side. A godsend. But even without her we would have found a way to succeed.


This is SUCH an important passage for me personally. This is something I'll refer back to. Thankyou.
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deenl
Hi cm72

cm72 wrote:
Can you tell me when you started introducing fear foods? Perhaps I missed that post. How did it go when you did that?


It all kind of happened as needed. When he first became ill he went IP but lost weight there so he came home. When he came home he cooked for himself and we did all we could to get him to eat. We stopped the weight loss but we did not manage weight gain. After about 2 months we found this forum and tried the suggestions but they caused such huge terror that he stopped eating totally at times. We had no scope to force the issue as he was so ill; we had to monitor his vital signs at home in between doctors appointments and the only option IP had been a disaster.

So, together with the pediatrician, we got him into hospital. Here we had the first change. I brought in all his food and started gradually increasing the nutritional footprint and he did have to eat bread and chocolate in there. He was in for a month. When he came out he wanted to go back to cooking and old habits but I held firm. I very gradually increased the variety of soups until I had 14 types, 2 per day every day of the week.

He had become vegetarian IP (god, they were hopeless). His younger brother had often flirted with vegetarianism and been veggie for periods. He wanted to do so again but this time I explained in front of ED son that I would not allow it. I told them that now that we knew eD genes were in our gene pool that it was a very dangerous choice for youngest son. ED son asked why it was ok for him. I said it wasn't and that it was keeping him sick but didn't push. A few days later I found a note on a tiny scrap of paper on my bed to say that he would eat some chicken noodle soup. Needless to say his wish was my command! A month or so later I introduced beef noodle soup. The noodle soups were broth based and much fewer calories than the other soups but it was a compromise I was prepared to accept and made sure the other soup that day was one of the highest calorie soups. In the end he even ate sweet potatoe and chirozo soup!

I always tried to nudge variety and would 'forget' or 'run out of' a staple on his menu. Mostly this resulted in him missing out but after months and months of eating the same thing, this tactic started to work, first with fruit, then with other things.

The absolute biggest change happened when he say a weekend air show that he really, really wanted to go to. He had gained quite a few kilos and was still very sick but no longer in danger of heart failure and the suicidality had passed. Well again, hubbie and I were making this happen no matter what. We had been house bound for 18 months or so and we all looked forward to a change of scene. H and I had noticed that ED son was very set in his ways and they were almost impossible to change but when circumstances caused change we had the opportunity to re-set the habits. So that was the plan here ( and boy did we have all sorts of contingency plans for anything that could go wrong) We headed off in the camper and I brought his usual food for the first 2/3 days. I thought it was enough of a challenge to be eating at a place that was not his spot in the living room. So straight away we had a win - he was eating with the family again and eating in a place that was not the usual place. After the first few days well, the normal food was gone and he had to eat what the family ate. I snuck away to the supermarket to find the most calorific food. And he loved it all. I remember sitting opposite him and watching him savour a GUH dessert and him mmmmmm-ing. Still brings tears to my eyes.

Honestly, the gods shone on us that trip. The museum that was hosting the event was in the back end of nowhere so we went to find it on the evening before. They spotted us lingering and came to see what was going on. We told them we'd travelled for the event and asked if they knew somewhere we could camp overnight. After some talk on the walkie talkie they said we could stay there - in the open air museum for a donation to the museum. Unbelievable. The kids got a personal, behind the scenes tour that evening and we had breakfast watching WW1 planes fly in for the event. The kids got to meet a youTube presenter they follow. Even the weather was good. And on top of it all we had the extra appreciation of a family coming out of  a couple of hellish years. It was one of the most special weekends of my life.

And again, on getting back home, ED tried to go back to the old habits but I wasn't having any of it. All in a light, matter of fact tone - 'Nope honey, you ate with us on holidays you can eat with us now' 'Sorry pet, we're working towards normal and that's a step back, no' 'You ate it on hols, you can eat it now'

At all stages, I had tried to introduce as much flexibility and variety as I could and mostly that was not much. But we watched like hawks for a chink in the armour and pounced when we could. We compromised at times, missing a snack in favour of an outing or a visit from friends. It was a real balancing act to address all his various nutritional, social and emotional needs. And most importantly, we had very careful, experienced medical care but even so, we were at the absolute limit. Our doctor told me later that she would wake up in a cold sweat afraid that he would die in his sleep but given that IP was a case where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong this seemed like the only option. We had whole protocols between me and the doc re vitals and plans pre-arranged with the hospital 5 mins away. I don't think I would recommend it as a option for most situation.

We do still have lingering habits we are chipping away at. He does not eat anything outside his standard amounts and he nearly always leaves a forkful of food on the plate. But he is healthy, growing and laughs so often. We'll get there and stomp out the last of the habits in time.

The lesson I guess I think any parent needs is to know that nutritional rehabilitation and the habit of frequent meals, no matter what is the first essential goal. There are many ways to get there. The hard core is the quickest, shortest route and everyone should try to get out of this hell asap. But where that does not work any way you reach the goal is valid. It takes time to find your groove as a parent of a very sick child, you need lots and lots of information, and even more trial and error before you start to trust your knowledge of your child, self and family and before your stunned parental intuition starts to come back to life. But one thing is sure, I was always going to be stronger than ED.

Hang in there,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Cat_can
Sotired wrote:
This is one of the many things I struggle with with 'FBT is the only way' proponents.a very reputable scientist who came over to NZ to give a talk on eating disorders was very clear that FBT works for only 50%of people who do it.when something works for you and your family it's tempting I imagine to talk on and on about how it is the only way....thereby making those of us who have children who were completely unresponsive to FBT feel like complete and utter failures.EVEN THOUGH SCIENTISTS THEMSELVES ADMIT THIS APPROACH HAS A 50% FAILURE RATE.
I didn't deal so much with plate throwing-I dealt with a mouth that would not open for food.or water.or swallowing her own spit.
I could sit at the table until the cows came home,my d removed herself from the table,off to the couch to 'sleep'.
I could take away everything,she didn't care.
Plate throwing?id take that over my girl slitting her wrist in front of her siblings any day.
And the GUILT.oh my god,the GUILT.
If I had just tried harder,if I had never had to go to the toilet,take her brother to school,try and split myself three different ways...I'm sorry,but people who are doing this with just one child who have no other special needs to account for in the family do have it easier.the amount of times I was told if my d had cancer I would just drop my other two kids(like they suddenly didn't matter) and do everything for my ed d...well I tried that and it made everything worse.
What works in this situation with a son or daughter who won't cooperate in any way ,shape or form?
HOSPITAL.over and over again.we had 24 hour turn arounds.that means that in 24 hours,back at the hospital, not that there was any change in ds behaviour.
An understanding GP.
Residential treatment.
An acceptance that for us stopping life until she ate simply punished her and made the rest of our lives even crappier.
That if we wanted her to want to live we had to show her that life was worth living.otherwise she was quite happy being miserable.
We had to accept our path was littered with mistakes from professionals and we were left picking up the pieces...or getting our d sewn up at a&e again.
That we made many mistakes and we had to pick up the pieces and hide the sharps better,
That our case was particularly hard and other people needed to help us or lead us to people that could.
When FBT doesn't work you are treated like you are the failure.if you suffer from self esteem issues, no matter how strong you are,that's gonna sting.
We are struggling on our path right now but I don't feel like a failure anymore.we are working through things and it's my ds job right now to make some effort to survive til we can get more help.in truth I cannot look after her forever.im doing all I can to help her but that is all I can do.
I wish for a return to the way the hospital used to do things-in our situation it would have been better.even if it was something that was just done for some cases.this one size fits all approach with FBT makes me angry.it doesn't fit everyone and my kid may die because of that.
So this isn't the answer you were probably hoping for deenl,but that's what worked for us.hospital and residential.oh for the good old days...



Yes to this so much. I’m desperate here and I keep feeling like I’m a failure because LSUYE doesn’t work for is 🙁 and that’s what I keep getting advised to do all the time
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deenl
Hi Cat_can,

It is really hard to know what to do. Refeeding is very, very difficult and I know that I found it almost impossible to figure out if the reaction of my son was within the normal range in which case I should tough it out or if our situation was different and I should tweak techniques.

You are not alone here; we have all experienced the weird world of living with someone with an ED and trying to support them. Could I suggest that you start your own thread (on computer orange New Topic button on the right towards top of screen; on phone Compose button on bottom right) giving us an idea of your journey so far and the parts that have been especially challenging. Then people could give you some ideas of what worked. I used to consider the replies like a menu where I picked things I thought would work in our situation and appreciated what others posted but knew they were unlikely to be right for us. As you can see from all the ideas that I received on this thread there are many ways to harness a parents determination to support their kids back to health.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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ValentinaGermania
Cat_can wrote:

Yes to this so much. I’m desperate here and I keep feeling like I’m a failure because LSUYE doesn’t work for is 🙁 and that’s what I keep getting advised to do all the time


Hi cat_can,
you are in very early days of your journey and although it might sound as if FBT worked here with all families perfect from day 1 this is truely not the case. It took us 6 weeks to get her eat what we serve 100%. We had a lot of "failure" (I call it experience now) and we had to see what works and what not. My d was 17 when we started refeeding.

When you could tell us at which points you are struggeling and what problems you have in the daily fight we could maybe help you with ideas what to try next. Sometimes strange behaviour needs strange solutions. I remember some kids do stand all the time and are not able to sit at the table and someone suggested to drive around in the car with them because you cannot stand in a car. I though WOW, I have not been able even to get that IDEA!

Every family is different but there are so many families here and there are some that did not do magic plate and LSUYE like deenls family and I am sure there are some that can help you with ideas.
Do not give up. Not before you did not have tried the 1001 ideas here.

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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cwebster
Wow this is our world-son 13 year old, 14 in November. IP since April but has had 2 previous admissions (6 weeks then 10 weeks) since oct 2018. Nj tube due to purging. He lost over summer +++-a variety of reasons. He feels hopeless . No quality of life in my opinion. Need to get him home but I need to feel confident that we can manage without an immediate medical instability and return to hospital 
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