F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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peregrine_USA
As I shared here, my adult daughter was discharged from the hospital almost two weeks ago at a weight that her experience has shown  is not sustainable for her and over my detailed objections.  I learned that she wanted to leave even though another young woman on the floor dx’d w ED has been able to stay and is still there.  

She immediately took up previous behaviors and refused to connect with her MH team which is trying hard to give her space and opportunity to step up to follow through on things she knows will help - therapy, groups, and IOP.  For a week I stepped up to provide support she requested but then rejected including rides to appts, the groups, groceries, etc. but by the end of last week I realized that if she is not going to change, then I need to.  I cannot keep doing this anymore.  My own support team knows this as does hers.

The “last straw” for me was her decision to walk out of an important and necessary discharge appt with her team that I had taken her to (for me from my home 30 miles of stop and go city driving).  She called awhile later and demanded that I take her back to her place from where she had walked to to get a soda.  I took a deep breath and said that she knew I would say she had a bus pass as well as money and she could take the bus home (the route goes back to her place).  Then, honestly, I felt like I needed to throw up but drove myself home.  She refuses to connect with the people she knows are available to help including her own PCP who has been a wonderful support and ally as well as her case manager who sincerely is on her side.  

I am working on two books right now recommended by a group leader of a parent support group.  Written by Allison Bottke, the books include a lot of Al-Anon philosophy and guidance as well as many of the same things I have written in my blog and quite a bit of biblical scripture which, candidly, for me is a bit over the top but I am using the philosophy of “take what you need and leave the rest.”   The titles are:  Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children - Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents (I read this one first) and second, How to Connect with your Troubled Adult Children: Effective Strategies for Families in Pain.  The author wrote the second more recently and I am finding it very helpful because not only does  she deal in depth with the topics of mental illness and substance abuse, she also takes a hard, long look at others’ experiences and her own in order to develop a strategy to communicate ongoing love and support while stopping doing for them what they can truly do for themselves.  I am reading and re-reading what she has to say because the perspective is that of a parent whose heart has been broken many times.  I have attended Al-Anon for more than thirteen years having gotten started  because no parent group existed here for parents of people diagnosed with ED.  Often since few parents attend the meetings I have gone to whose adult children have co-occurring mental illness let along eating disorders, I feel like they often do not understand.  FEAST has been a godsend because I have connected with some people whose adult children are doing similar things.

So, who knows at this point.   I need to give it all over to God because I cannot keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.  She needs to want to change.  I know somewhere in there is the person who wants to live since she decided two weeks ago to finally go to the ER and be admitted to the critical care ward but now out cannot do it without the IP she so desperately needs but flat out refuses to pursue.  Maybe the best strategy will indeed be for me to step away.  I continue to be told I have tried everything else.
Peregrine_USA
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scaredmom
I send you strength and love. Thank you for sharing those book titles. I am sure they can be helpful to many here. 
I hope this path you take is a healing one for you. 
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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sk8r31
Sending virtual hugs and strength to you.  Both books you mention sound like they offer strategies and support and hopefully they will be helpful to others as well.  Keeping you in my thoughts.

Warmly,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Mamaroo
I'm glad you've found some resources and support groups, we definitely need them. Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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deenl
Sending you love and support. I admire your enquiring spirit that drives you to search for answers even in the most difficult of circumstances. 

Big hug,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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peregrine_USA
Please pray that she has hit bottom and is willing to get help for the long haul.  She just called me and asked me to take her to the hospital.  I hope she will stay this time until she is stabilized and has gained back some weight and that she will then go IP in a treatment facility.  One day at a time.
Peregrine_USA
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scaredmom
Hoping this one ‘sticks’ 
Big hug 🤗 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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deenl
Please pray that she has hit bottom and is willing to get help for the long haul.  She just called me and asked me to take her to the hospital.  I hope she will stay this time until she is stabilized and has gained back some weight and that she will then go IP in a treatment facility.  One day at a time.


Will light my special candle for you. Hopefully my angel will pull some strings for you. But for this moment she will be somewhere safe, thank goodness.

Wishing continued strength and courage for you all,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Kali
Peregrine, your daughter has a whole chorus of people she has never met cheering her on, hoping for the best for her and caring that she will be able to take care of herself and remain in treatment.

warmly,

Kali
Food=Love
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tina72
Please pray that she has hit bottom and is willing to get help for the long haul.  She just called me and asked me to take her to the hospital.  I hope she will stay this time until she is stabilized and has gained back some weight and that she will then go IP in a treatment facility.  One day at a time.


I cross all available everything that she will stay and get help. Thinking of you. ❤
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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peregrine_USA
Thank you for following this, reading it, and sending her and me support.  If she hasn’t hit bottom yet, I sure have.  To top it all, after I picked her up and took her to the ER where she was admitted to the hospital, I was driving home and got a call that something in her bedroom had caught fire and the fire department came and put it out.  So, now her little 1-bedroom apartment has fire and smoke damage, everything needs to be washed, and the mattress, bedding and some of her precious puppets were burned and went into the trash.  My husband and I came home yesterday after going to take a look and stripped at the door because our clothes reeked.  She does not know this yet as she was in no condition to hear about it even today.  So I am researching for help with the clean up because I  cleaned her apartment thoroughly two weeks ago plus washed about nine loads of laundry and refuse to do it again mostly because my lungs cannot take the smell and left over particulates.  What a mess!
Peregrine_USA
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tina72
Maybe a silly question, but do you have insurance for that? Here insurance would send someone to help cleaning up.

It is always the same. You think you are done and reached your bottom line and then something in addition comes around. I send a big pack of power and strength. Try to do something nice for you and hubby this weekend...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sk8r31
Keeping you in my thoughts as you weather this latest storm.  As tina mentioned, perhaps there is some help available through insurance?  And I second the notion to do something, anything that you might find pleasurable this weekend.  Sending a big hug and more to you.
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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peregrine_USA
No insurance.  She did while I had her things in storage but she really does not have much.  I am now revisiting this and your  two comments have led me to calling up my agent and asking for recommendations!  Thanks so much.
Peregrine_USA
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MarcellaUK
All best wishes Peregrine to you and to your loved ones. You are a true hero.
Fiona Marcella UK
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peregrine_USA
The moment of truth may have arrived and anosognosia may be no more.  Today my daughter took what she thought would be a blissful shower and found herself holding withut pulling out clumps of hair in her hands.  This has shaken her to her core.  Her team including me had a very good session today.  She knows she cannot return to her apartment but rather do something different as an intermediate step.  The question is, what?  The team brainstormed this question and will meet with her again Wednesday.  Meanwhile I hope to talk with her hospital psychiatrist tomorrow to find out the details of what’s going on.  I have a good sense but I want to hear it from her doctor.  They have been administering daily EKG’s.  There is discussion re discharge and I want to make certain that weight is not the marker for she is incredibly medically compromised.  The impulse is to d/c people when judged to no longer be in danger.  She most certainly remains so.
Peregrine_USA
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deenl
Sending you lots of Irish luck! I do so hope this is a turning point for her and in her treatment. You are wonderful for maintaining a drive for recovery on her behalf. I know that you know that it will still be two steps forward and one back but I hope with all my heart that the trend is upwards and the steps back are not too emotionally stressful for you and all involved.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
tina72
The moment of truth may have arrived and anosognosia may be no more.  Today my daughter took what she thought would be a blissful shower and found herself holding withut pulling out clumps of hair in her hands.  This has shaken her to her core.  Her team including me had a very good session today.  She knows she cannot return to her apartment but rather do something different as an intermediate step.  The question is, what?  The team brainstormed this question and will meet with her again Wednesday.  Meanwhile I hope to talk with her hospital psychiatrist tomorrow to find out the details of what’s going on.  I have a good sense but I want to hear it from her doctor.  They have been administering daily EKG’s.  There is discussion re discharge and I want to make certain that weight is not the marker for she is incredibly medically compromised.  The impulse is to d/c people when judged to no longer be in danger.  She most certainly remains so.


Just want to share that this was the moment my d was afraid of AN for the first time: when her long blond hair starts to fall out in big clumps and the doctors told her that they can not promise that it will grow again. That frightened her so much that she started to help me with recovery.
I cross all available everything that this was what your d needed to see.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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scaredmom
The external manifestation and tangible evidence of her illness, was likely a shock to her, as you have written. A crisis of sorts is sometimes the best motivator(?)
The realization that the same-same is not going to be a sustainable path is hopefully the fist step to a better place. 

I hope this the part where you get to start to exhale, and that things move forward.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Francie
Dear Peregrine, I am hopeful for you and your daughter. I also have been attending Al Anon and it has been helpful in setting boundaries, understanding my own strengths and weaknesses. Meetings, phone calls to Al Anon friends, and especially working the Steps has been extremely helpful. 

Since you are a reader - as I am - I will recommend a short, quick-to-read book that has been extremely helpful to me in my situation with my 21-year-old AN-B/P daughter:

It's called "No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering'https://www.amazon.com/No-Mud-Lotus-Transforming-Suffering/dp/1937006859/ref=sr_1_3?gclid=CjwKCAjw0tHoBRBhEiwAvP1GFYAzvYBpbMgHM-mIEOQ6u1nkx3-fL1mWqiNuogJxU2R4-BZ4Fk34RxoCnmoQAvD_BwE&hvadid=241611988225&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9003344&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15901657572309573082&hvtargid=aud-648278611385%3Akwd-46508695849&hydadcr=22534_10353871&keywords=no+mud+no+lotus&qid=1561657250&s=gateway&sr=8-3

Best of luck to you! I will include you and your daughter in my prayers today! XO

Francie

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peregrine_USA
Hi, Francie - Al-Anon has been my life saver for almost 15 years, having begun in 2004 when I could not find an ED support group here.  I will take a look at the book you have recommended.  Thank you.  She was discharged a few days ago and got right back to what she had been doing before.  For my own sake, I will be doing things differently because being the caboose on a runaway train is not the way I want to live any longer.
Peregrine_USA
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Francie
Best wishes to you, Peregrine. I am sorry for all you're going through, and for all that your daughter is going through. I hope your Al Anon friends, and other supports can help you as you begin to do things differently. XO

Francie

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mjkz
Hey Peregrine.  I just got to that point with my daughter.  She came home with a tube after months inpatient and decided to dump out her feeds, became suicidal and got readmitted.  I told her the only way she was coming home with me again was if she had a solid plan in place to start eating and be off the tube within a month of coming home (unless she had a darn good reason not to be able and had demonstrated steady progress).  To my surprise and shock to be honest, she actually was able to do it.  We spent the holiday week with my brother, sister-in-law and nieces in Florida.  She handled it very well. Still isn't talking much and is still very clearly depressed but isn't using her eating disorder or self harm to cope.
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tina72
Hi mjkz,

so great to hear that your d is slowly getting better and that you could even have some holiday already. I hope she will continue to get better by time.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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