F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Yael826_
We are just coming to one year since my d was diagnosed at age 14 with RED and bulemia. She did amazing in phase 1, gaining all weight plus more after 10 weeks. We made is to phase 2 but although much better and the horrible struggles are over she clearly still has lingering eating disorder behaviors that have become a bit worse since the COVID crisis. I suspect not having the comfort of her friends has been super stressful and more ED behavior. But even before I would not say she was symptmom free. We live in SF bay area and have an amazing FBT counselor. We have followed the guidelines to a T. I can't say it hasn't work because she is far from the raving lunatic she was when we first started. We are still having weekly sessions with our FBT counselor and on my request  my d is seeing her alone for therapy. We are so tired and want so badly not to have to constantely worry about how much she has or hasn't eaten. We are still doing three meals and three snacks. The gist is my d never bought into it. She feels like she recovered despite the treatment and the "treatment" is us ( my husband and I" on a power trip. Uch. Any adise where to go from here. Similar experiences? 
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Foodsupport_AUS
You have been doing an amazing job so far. Unfortunately your D is not unusual in not buying in to treatment and as such there remains this divide where rather than fighting the ED you seem to be fighting each other. Given you are working on stage 2 how well is she going on feeding herself? Phase 2 of course is all about handing back control. If that is not happening and she is just not managing some would suggest trying moving to a bit higher weight, others have tried trying to look at something more collaborative to see if they can get some buy in from their child. 

My own D unfortunately could not feed herself for some years, and many parents have just pushed through continuing to feed and waiting till something finally clicked. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Yael826_
Thanks for feedback. She has been able to feed herself. Often for dinner she shows me plate and about half the time I add a bit more.She was eating lunch alone with her friends during school year and keeping weight up. She missed her period for the first time in awhile which is concerning. Weighed her and no weight loss but maybe stress for quarantine versus too much exercise. Thanks again for your helpful response.
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teecee

Oh absolutely yes in terms of similar experience. My AN D confidently told me she was fully recovered after 7 months and that I was too controlling in that I was reminding, watching, encouraging etc. I was the problem.

Fast forward to 2 years and she said to me recently “I was too ill for CAMHS to recommend me independently eating” ..... Thank goodness I didn’t listen to them. Unfortunately my hubby did so I felt like I was a lonely voice. He now accepts we should have kept control of the 6 meals for the last 2 years. 

As tiring as it is keep control for as long as possible....please. 

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Yael826_
Thanks for response. I just wonder will there be time when things just "click". I personally think she needs more weight. As I mentioned she is completely weight restored + 5-7 lbs over preanorexic weight. Many mom's I've spoken with have said things really change with more weight. Possily results in some metabolic change as well as exposure therapy to being on the heavier side. Husband also taking a long time to get on board was no help either. I still religiously make her high calorie snacks, muffins the works. She's 15 now and I so want her better before going off to college. 
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Enn

I just want to add that this may take years, for her to be able to feed herself. We are three years in and d is almost 15. She does her own snacks and breakfasts on her own now most of the time with the self distancing.  I do supper everyday. When at school I do her breakfasts lunches and suppers.
i know you want this done yesterday but try to be patient. You really have come so far and done so well. We know what heroic parenting you have done. 

please read the thread ‘stages and timelines and how they set us up to fail’ I will find and bump it for you. 

 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Enn

Ps you mention worrying about her and how long that will last. After such a life altering event for us as parents, I think we will worry a lot for longer than we want.  Over  time and seeing our kids doing well the worry will lessen for us , but I know for me, even thought d is doing so well for the last 9 months , I still worry but the last three months are oh so much better. 

sending my best.

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Yael826_
Thanks for thoughtful and hopefull response. So good to hear your d is doing well. The exercise componant is a real tricky one particularly during COVID when she doesn't have the distraction of normal school and friends. 
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MKR
Hi @Yael826_,

Well done on refeeding!  And moving away from the most dramatic stage.

At 15, your daughter will keep growing (if nothing, her bone density will increase) and this way you will be able to compensate for any sudden deficit.

Anorexia and malnourishment is a brain trauma, and it might take at least a year for the thinking to be less entrenched. Because of this, most kids don't even remember the worst stage, so don't worry too much about your daughter understanding what went on. Just change the subject every time she might launch into blaming you for whatever 😀.

Can your daughter see her friends over WhatsApp? One of my kids seems to need a daily dose of goofing around with her besties. This is also a time to do things as a family, watch family videos, tell funny stories from when the kids were little, which was harder to do when we were busy with work and school.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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PurpleRain
We are a year and a bit from dx (February last year) and start of refeeding (march last year). My d is doing well, and yet our days still revolve around 3 meals and 2 snacks, actually that's what gives structure to our lives during lock up, I still supervise almost every bite (she can have snacks on her own but I usually provide them, or h). I have read the thread recommended by enn, I really hope you read it, actually I'm.going to read.it again my self cause lately I have been feeling a bit stuck, in spite of d doing really well at the moment. We are actually considering lowering add ins, I feel.it is a good time since physical activity is at its lowest and i can monitor her every second if o want (I really don't but I know what o mean). So I'll let you know how it goes. My d is 14 and she's been homeschool since September (unrelated to ED), and o really want her much better before she goes back to school (next academic year, whenever that ends up being).). D did overshoot for a while by the way, maybe you could try that? Good luck!
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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Foodsupport_AUS
I think you are right she needs more weight, particularly if she is only 5 - 7  lbs above her pre anorexic weight. She is 14 and should be gaining a number of pounds per year into her 20's as per normal adolescent growth. Relatively speaking her weight will be going down if she is just maintaining. Have you monitored her growth on mygrowthcharts.com?
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Torie
Another vote for more weight.  Many here (raises hand) have had to add significantly more weight than anyone expected.  xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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