F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Mika
Went to see the psychiatrist last Tue. She talked to our S about medication ,he said he needs to think about it and we ended up leaving with nonothing. We also talked about changing our therapist which she was Ok with it. On that day S had a huge meltdown over going to gym. We agreed that he'll go 3 times a week. 
At this point he refuses to go again to hospital .he started making his food. He's not happy about going 3 times a week to gym and so he is violent ,cursing us and trying to go a few more times .It looks like we are back to square 1. And it seems that FBT is not the right treatment . Are there any other treatment? 
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Enn
There really is no one way. We all need to find what will work for our situation. Many try different approaches and I am not sure exactly what you mean by FBT not working. The main goal of FBT is to help families find their way to get the child to eat and work on other ED behaviours.
I think your team should be outlining concrete goals for you of they have not.

  • is it weight gain?
  • is it stopping all or most exercise 
  • meds?
  • are parents to be in control 100%
  • can they give you tools to help manage the melt downs?
  • what are their thought about what you need to prioritize? And how will they help you? I am sure they have dealt with similar cases from which can draw some comparisons to give you ideas? 
  • Do they need to admit him to hospital? Residential? Intensive outpatient programs? They need to give you a protocol and what comes next if he and your are struggling.
I tend to be goal oriented. I like lists to work on. Helps to keep me focussed. Has your team  come up with a plan for you? 
I get a sense from your posts that you are doing this all alone with no guidance/support  from your team. 
It is hard, I am sorry. 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Mika
This kind of questions was what I had expected to get from my"team" and yet all we got was you need to take all control back to you. How to do it ,how to deal with all other issues never came up .Yes from what you're writing it does feel like we're doing this alone. And because we started with the wrong person now my son won't give the hospital another chance .
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Mika
Is that what we were supposed to get from our "team"? Is that the help you got here in Ontario ?Makes me feel frustrated and upset about the all the time we lost with the wrong person! 
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Enn
I used the team to my advantage. My team told us too just to trust our parental instincts! That was nuts!! If it were that easy why didn’t I think about it and just do it! I sat down with the team alone and begged them for what I needed. I learned here how to add to foods that violence was ‘normal’!! I told the team to tell d what to eat as if it were their idea and not mine. My d was about 12 at that time and did listen to authority. So that helped me greatly.
i also learned that the team could not do it for me, no one could. They are not in my home, they were not seeing and helping on the day to day of course. 

I wonder how how you feel about insisting on a private meeting with your team and you and h only and telling them what you need from them specifically. Ask them what others in your situation have done. As per my list above I would go through it and have them help make up specific plans.
As for your son not wanting to go to hospital this is where you and h have to stand together and make any treatment non negotiable. None of these kids want to get better! None!
i had to change how I parented . I had to become that firm non movable mountain. I had to fake that i knew what I was doing. I had to get h to follow my lead. I came here to cry and vent. It was so so awful! And we got through. 
There was a pivotal movement, a shift inside of me that said ‘ no more ED’ and I changed. That was the turning point ,not d agreeing or changing but ME.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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mjkz
It's totally understandable that you are frustrated.  I wasted so much time before telling my daughter we were doing FBT and it worked even though she was 21-22 at the time.  It sounds like you are really struggling to get control back and dealing with violence when you do.  Have you told him that violence in any way, shape or form is not okay?  It sounds like you may need to call the police and talk to them so you have back up if he gets violent.  Ed will take as much room as you let him in a sense so cancel the gym membership.  It sounds like you have people who will call you to let you know he is there.  Talk to the people at the gym and get them to not let him in.  Explain what is going on and let them know how sick he is.  After they kick him out once or twice chances are he won't go back.  If he starts getting violent, call the police.  If he refuses to eat, take the computer.  Take the pull up bar.  Do whatever you have to do to get control back from him and let ED know you are in charge, not it.  Your son is in there and believe me when I say he hates this even more than you do.  I've got to run otherwise I'd type forever but hang in there.  My daughter was sick for a long time and it took forever to get her back but the key was making my stance and holding it no matter what.  If it was for her health, nothing else was more important.  I'd be happy to brainstorm (as would all of us on here) with you how to make that happen and how to find ways to motivate him positive and also consequences for bad behavior.  It is not inevitable that kids that get violent and loose control during this time.  If he was in a hospital, they wouldn't accept his behavior and there would be consequences.  You can do the same.
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Mika
If it was inly me and h suffering from his behavior I'd be ok with it .But lately my youngest is crying every night with no "reason "and last night when he had his tantrum infront of her she was  panicked . And we were thinking that we need to protect heher and her sister from all of that. 
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Torie
This vile illness is the worst - it tries to destroy the soul of the whole family.  It is also extremely difficult to eradicate, and it gets increasingly difficult to eradicate as time goes on and the illness gets more entrenched and as the sufferer gets bigger and stronger and especially as your parental authority erodes as they approach the magic age arbitrarily defined as "adult."  Once you have dragged your son back to health, it will be a blessing if you still have several years of him there under your watchful eye before sending him off to live on his own at university or whatever.

It is crazy that we laypeople mostly have to treat our kids ourselves and drag them back to health.  Pushes us right to the limit.  I guess the question is always: can I do this at home?  If yes, it will be the worst, most taxing experience of your life.  If no, how can we help you get him into higher level of treatment?  One way or other, this needs to stop. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
Have you thought about taking him to the one week family program at UCSD or UCSF to get started? If you could do that this would help you not to feel so alone.
It is part of the program with FBT that families are mostly doing that alone. That is on the other hand what makes it so sufficient. If you have learned how to do it you can help him 24/7 even when no therapist is available and if he relapses you know what to do from minute 1.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mika
What is that? Is it available here in Ontario ,Canada? 
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ValentinaGermania
No, that is a program at the university of San Francisco or San Diego. Both are equal and highly recommended.
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/treatment/oneweek-intensive-treatment-programs.html

There is also a similiar program in Ohio.

I know that it is far and expensive but if I had know that then when my d was diagnosed in January 2017 I would have taken her there.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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