F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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bobkat
Right now we are really struggling with our daughter. She has been stuck for sometime, but she is not far off from her target weight. We plan to go to UCSD this summer when they post their schedule. We have contemplated it for awhile, but we would see progress and hold off. She began displaying disrespectful behaviors around her younger sister, my husband, and I. Sometimes, they were at meal times. However, other times they were not. She is in high school and is about to take some major exams, so her stress is very high. Even though, she has pretty much 100 percent in all of her classes. Also, her prom just ended, which seems to have impacted her as well. She mentioned it is sad it is over because she does not have it to look forward to. This past week, she got mad at my husband. She decided to call an abuse hotline even thought there was no abuse present. It seems that is what the counselor on the phone told her. Later in the week, she decided to text her grandparents and ask to stay with them until school is over. We met with the grandparents, and we said maybe her staying until the end of the weekend would help her have a change of scenery. She now refuses to come home until her dad apologizes. Which he did apologize saying that he could have used different wording and a gentler approach. She says his apology doesn't cut it, and he needs to try again. We received text messages from her grandma that our daughter is not the culprit of her eating disorder, and with understanding, compassion, and love it can be controlled. Of course, we have given our daughter tremendous love, compassion, and understanding. She has had our support and love from day one. We are at a loss of what to do. 
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Mamaroo
Hi Bobkat, sorry you are in such a predicament at the moment. I know that you looked after your d with love, compassion  and understanding. I hope you are able to go to UCSD soon. It seems that ED has found a nice home at her grandparents' so does not want to come home. That is why your hubby's apology wasn't  'good enough', it never was going to be. I'm curious about the grandma's text, did she mean that your d shouldn't have to follow your rules regarding eating or was she blaming you? The last thing you want now is a well meaning relating coluding with ED.

I think the best thing would be to get your d back, either by cutting off all things you are paying for, such as cell phones, school and allowances or if she has regard for her grandparents,  by telling her that her grandparents are too old to look after her and that it is impacting on their health. I hope she's back soon.

Sending you lots of hugs  🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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tina72
bobkat wrote:
She has been stuck for sometime, but she is not far off from her target weight. We plan to go to UCSD this summer when they post their schedule.  


What does she/you keep her off reaching her target weight? It sounds like her behaviour is still due to malnutrition (and puberty for sure) and brain recovery did not start up to now. Is she eating what you serve? Can you increase calories to make her gain this weight that is still needed? Can we help with ideas to get there so brain recovery can start?

bobkat wrote:
We received text messages from her grandma that our daughter is not the culprit of her eating disorder, and with understanding, compassion, and love it can be controlled. Of course, we have given our daughter tremendous love, compassion, and understanding. She has had our support and love from day one. We are at a loss of what to do. 


Sounds a bit like the grandparents are blaming you...nothing you need now. Go there and take her home without negotiation. You are the parents, you are in charge, you decide where she lives. ED might have a party when grandparents let her eat what she wants...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Kali

Hi Bobcat, 

I'm sorry it is so difficult. Can you go over with Grandma what your daughter's meals need to consist of and how many calories she needs to eat in a day? And give her some info about refeeding and what it entails? I wonder if Grandma is feeding her less and therefore the eating disorder wants to stay at her house. If she is going to be involved, getting her some materials to read could also be helpful. You would be lucky to have a grandparent who wants to help. So, if you are comfortable doing this you could let her know  that with love, compassion and enough food, you can all help your daughter get well again.

As far as the apology from your husband, my spidey senses are tingling a little...the eating disorder may be seizing on this as a way to stay at grandma's where presumably she may be eating less than at home. Is this your mom or your husbands mom? But nevertheless, you are the parents and you decide where she lives. But if grandma is willing to get on the same page as you and your husband and help get your daughter get well that might be better if she gets the same message from everyone. The ed may be trying to be divisive in this situation.

warmly,
Kali

Food=Love
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bobkat
bobkat wrote:
Right now we are really struggling with our daughter. She has been stuck for sometime, but she is not far off from her target weight. We plan to go to UCSD this summer when they post their schedule. We have contemplated it for awhile, but we would see progress and hold off. She began displaying disrespectful behaviors around her younger sister, my husband, and I. Sometimes, they were at meal times. However, other times they were not. She is in high school and is about to take some major exams, so her stress is very high. Even though, she has pretty much 100 percent in all of her classes. Also, her prom just ended, which seems to have impacted her as well. She mentioned it is sad it is over because she does not have it to look forward to. This past week, she got mad at my husband. She decided to call an abuse hotline even thought there was no abuse present. It seems that is what the counselor on the phone told her. Later in the week, she decided to text her grandparents and ask to stay with them until school is over. We met with the grandparents, and we said maybe her staying until the end of the weekend would help her have a change of scenery. She now refuses to come home until her dad apologizes. Which he did apologize saying that he could have used different wording and a gentler approach. She says his apology doesn't cut it, and he needs to try again. We received text messages from her grandma that our daughter is not the culprit of her eating disorder, and with understanding, compassion, and love it can be controlled. Of course, we have given our daughter tremendous love, compassion, and understanding. She has had our support and love from day one. We are at a loss of what to do. 
Mamaroo wrote:
Hi Bobkat, sorry you are in such a predicament at the moment. I know that you looked after your d with love, compassion  and understanding. I hope you are able to go to UCSD soon. It seems that ED has found a nice home at her grandparents' so does not want to come home. That is why your hubby's apology wasn't  'good enough', it never was going to be. I'm curious about the grandma's text, did she mean that your d shouldn't have to follow your rules regarding eating or was she blaming you? The last thing you want now is a well meaning relating coluding with ED.

I think the best thing would be to get your d back, either by cutting off all things you are paying for, such as cell phones, school and allowances or if she has regard for her grandparents,  by telling her that her grandparents are too old to look after her and that it is impacting on their health. I hope she's back soon.

Sending you lots of hugs  🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
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bobkat
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and the hugs. It seems her grandma was being very naive and was blaming. The solution seems so simple to someone looking from the outside in. All of us battling the disease only wish it was easy. I agree she needs to come back home because she definitely has found a safe have for the eating disorder. Thanks again!
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bobkat
Thank yo so much for the reply. We really needed the grandparents as allies not helping the eating disorder. Sadly, the eating disorder seems to be comfortable there. We plan to make it clear we decide where she is to live.
Thanks so much.
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bobkat
It would be amazing to have help from the grandparents. Unfortunately, in the six years we have been battling this disease, they have not offered assistance or even asked how things are going. I do not have confidence they are willing to really take on this disease. We provided them with information on feeding and her meal plan, but I think the eating disorder has found a nice home. We will have to ask it to move out soon. I wish the eating disorder would stay there, and only our daughter would come back home. A person can wish. Thanks!
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Mamaroo
bobkat wrote:
I wish the eating disorder would stay there, and only our daughter would come back home. A person can wish.


Now that would be nice! Hope you'll get some relieve soon, you've been battling this a long time.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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tina72
bobkat wrote:
It would be amazing to have help from the grandparents. Unfortunately, in the six years we have been battling this disease, they have not offered assistance or even asked how things are going. I do not have confidence they are willing to really take on this disease. We provided them with information on feeding and her meal plan, but I think the eating disorder has found a nice home. We will have to ask it to move out soon. I wish the eating disorder would stay there, and only our daughter would come back home. A person can wish. Thanks!


Ooh, that would be nice if it is so simple! We would all take our kids to that grandparents and leave ED there! 🙂
It is sad that they are no help. We made MIL read "Brave girl eating" as it is the only book available in German and after that she did not help much more but tried to be not in the way for us. She tried to think before she said something harmful more often and she helped a bit with distracting our d.

Get up on your feet and make clear who is in charge and stop that ED party at grandparents home soon. Food is her medicine. If the food does not go in she cannot revover. It is that simple.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sk8r31
Agree with tina that Brave Girl Eating is a book that grandparents may be able to read and will give them some insight and understanding of what it's like to battle ED.  Unfortunately, we never did get any help from family, but at least they did refrain from making unhelpful comments once I wrote a letter to them all & sent via email.  
As an aside, F.E.A.S.T. will hopefully be introducing some resources for grandparents and siblings soon.

Sending warm support,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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tina72
sk8r31 wrote:

As an aside, F.E.A.S.T. will hopefully be introducing some resources for grandparents and siblings soon.


I think that would be appreciated by many families as this is often a big problem. Grandparents and other family members could be a tremendous help if they are on the same page.
It would be great to have kind of a comic for younger siblings as they often cannot cope with too much scientific explaination. Or maybe a short video like those of Eva.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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