F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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HateEDwithApassion
Well, as irony can be, after posting my update last night about the new direction we were taking and the slight improvement in my D's outlook and interactions, I learned last night that she has again stopped taking her F-#$% medication again, without telling us. Doesn't like how it makes her feel apathetic and void. She felt this way before on a different SSRI and stopped abruptly and went into a very deep depression with all sorts of negative behavior resulting as she tried to self-medicate. Her psychiatrist told her if she didn't like something going forward, just tell him. No problem - we could adjust it, but please don't just stop taking it. So this time, she doesn't have the excuse that we wouldn't listen to her or be willing to change. We said we would.

I'm in shock. I feel blindsided again - if that's even possible. There have been so many things that have shocked me about her decisions and behavior that you would think I couldn't be surprised any more. I feel like there is nothing left of my daughter in there - she lies all the time, risky behavior (and she was my kid who walked away from a group of girls that were sexting in 7th grade at a party because she thought it was wrong), and once again, says she doesn't care what we do or don't do for her.My H lost it and told her she was a horrible kid and honestly, this time, I didn't even feel badly that he said it even though I know better. I think I'm losing the battle to stay empathetic and in her corner today.

Of course, we are also in the middle of a blizzard so we couldn't go to her intake for the DBT skills group, which is an hour away. Of course. At this point, though, I don't trust that she'll even do it. Even when she's feeling more like herself and getting some of her freedoms back, she makes horrible choices. We can't give her more freedom because she can't be trusted. But she has no freedom so she has no hope and we have no leverage. I told her today that she was moving in the right direction. We let her drive a bit to tennis and shopping. We gave her her phone back with some limits. And she uses the iPad. I told her she undid that progress - that she was moving in the right direction. Her answer - oh well. What do you do with that???!

So, that's my day. From the joy of yesterday to the pits of today.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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heartbrokenmom
Your post is interesting to me because I almost never post positive updates.  The second I do, it seems she takes a giant step backward (leap, actually).  Some kind of jinx or something?  I really don't know why that happens.  If your d is still 15 as your signature indicates, I would try to have her take her meds in front of you (I know the push back from her may be too much).  My d was an adult when we started meds, but I did make her take her p.m. pills in front of me.  I also kept them in a locked safe in my bedroom because of her risky behaviors.  

Just a thought......
Heartbroken Mom
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Torie
HateEDwithApassion wrote:
....I think I'm losing the battle to stay empathetic and in her corner today....


Please don't beat yourself up. We all have our moments / days / weeks. Getting fed up once in a while can help them see it isn't OK for them to do what they're doing and that they need to try harder. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Psycho_Mom
Hi,
So sorry you're having such a hard time. Yeah, what a rollercoaster.
I understand about snowstorms (lived in Winnipeg for some years!) Please don't give up on DBT, especially before it's started. Did you refeed your d? IF so, you can require DBT and meds in the same way you required (and probably still need to require) regular adequate meals. If it's necessary to her health, then it needs to happen or else nothing else does. 

Also, a think I have to remind myself often about teenagers: what they say may possibly be true but only in the instant they say it. Five minutes later they may feel differently, even if they say they've felt that way forever. Time is different when you're 15. Also, your d's "oh, well," may quite possibly mean "I am devastated by losing my phone privileges but letting you see that would only make me feel worse and let you know that your action is effective." Also, when you say you love her or say positive things to her, she may not act like she hears or cares---BUT SHE DOES. Perhaps your h and you can  positively reinforce any behavior you like to see, no matter how small. (Thanks for taking your dish to the sink, that makes cleaning up easier.) Also, (lots of "also's"!) just remind your h that he's welcome to lose it and express abhorence of d's behavior or actions--but NOT of d herself. Being clear about that difference can go a long ways. "I love you, and I am totally am furious with what you did," are not at all contradictory statements. In fact, "I am so furious BECAUSE I love you so much," is probably even closer to the truth.

IT's a long haul, but even long snowstormy winters are always followed by spring.

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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HateEDwithApassion
heartbrokenmom wrote:
Your post is interesting to me because I almost never post positive updates.  The second I do, it seems she takes a giant step backward (leap, actually).  Some kind of jinx or something?  



Ha. Yes, here I wanted to share some news with all of you who have supported me and to also inject some positive news to the group, but that will show me! 
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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HateEDwithApassion
Psycho_Mom wrote:


IT's a long haul, but even long snowstormy winters are always followed by spring.

best wishes,


That's actually beautifully said (I'm a writer so I appreciate words), and so true. Thanks for the uplifting thought. And don't worry - I'm not giving up on DBT. Nope. Just a little shell shocked right now. But I will keep fighting as long as God gives me the strength. [smile]
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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enoughalready1
Read your post with interest, and empathy.  Every time we get close to any kind of treatment or something productive, it's quickly sabotaged by my d.  She said she was taking medication twice in the past and lied and hid the medication.  She finally agreed to talk with a therapist who quickly told my d she needed to be in residential treatment, and that was the end of a very good therapist.  She is 22 and we can't trust anything she says, and then she becomes upset because we don't trust her.

I have no answers, but I've spoken too soon before myself.  Thinking of you today.

Mother of 21-year-old
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HateEDwithApassion
enoughalready1,

I think it must be so much more difficult with a young adult because you can't MAKE her do anything. I'm so sorry to hear that. 

My D sees an ED therapist, but to be honest, while she's really nice and my D does confide in her,  I just don't feel like we are making much progress after three years of visits. We are holding steady, but definitely not getting better and exhibiting worse behavior. And she will be 18 in September. I hear lots of moms on here say to add more weight to her. I am beginning to think that may be one piece of this - yet she has her periods. However ED behaviors are still definitely near by and crop up. I have to remind her to do her meal plan and she does fight me on some of it still. Sigh.

I've just been coming to a place of thinking enough is enough. I have to be a stronger advocate and find her some help that's more effective. That's why we are adding the DBT skills group. It may be time to do another therapist, too. I can't decide if that will be helpful or harmful. However, bottom line... if my D decides not to fight this at all, there's not much we can do. We can only give her the resources.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. It's really sad and tiring. [smile]
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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Torie
HateEDwithApassion wrote:
....I hear lots of moms on here say to add more weight to her. I am beginning to think that may be one piece of this - yet she has her periods. ...


I think that's my cue: Sounds like it would be worth trying another 5 pounds. My d never stopped having periods so I can vouch for the fact that having periods isn't proof that weight is adequate.

Keep swimming.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Everhopeful_12
The emotional Yo Yo is so tiring. My emotions move totally with my D. If she has a good day, then I do, and feel that we might be moving forward...But the bad days dominate, and that makes me feel sad and hopeless. I wish she didn't control the moods, but she does. She presses all the buttons, and there is nothing we can do about it. We just hope that 2016 might bring some better days. That is all we can hope for..
Tracey Golden
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