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HateEDwithApassion
Gosh, I feel like a broken record. My D texted me today - she's shutting down, crying. Feels hopeless. Needs more help. Can't do this anymore.

This is so hard! I'm amazed that when I think we are holding steady, it's actually when things are the worst in her head. Makes me doubt my intuition. 

This is what we have done, in response to her depression and other coping mechanisms:

  • She's in DBT skills group - finishing first module. Likes it. Says it's helping. Not using the telephone help. Says it's not helpful. But group is. 
  • We are switching from her ED T to a DBT male T next Thurs. (Soonest I could get) based on my Ds feedback that her time with ED T was not productive. I agreed after three years. But haven't started yet, so have no Dr. at this moment other than med doc.
  • She's on a low dose of Prozac, but that isn't helping. Her ED T thinks she needs a different class, but med doc wanted to try Prozac again first. Believes in it. She has lost confidence in meds, and regularly stops taking them. I'm watching her, but can't be sure she hasn't stopped again. Doctor is supposed to call today to check in. She'll probably lie to him and say she's fine. So frustrating. She wants help, but won't follow through on anything that would help. I asked that the doctor call me too.
  • Her friend texted from school. Worried about my D. She's not talking to anyone, crying a lot, not eating much at lunch. Damn it. Really? We're going to open THAT ED door again on top of everything else? That is contributing to the depression, I'm sure.
So, here we are again. Except this time she's older, more angry, and doesn't care about anything, so she has nothing to lose. She is slipping back to ED thinking. I had a feeling, but weight was up a pound at last visit and getting periods, so I just watched. 

Her previous ED T did not want her to do PHP locally because she would meet a whole group of troubled kids in there that are all local and she would obtain a whole bunch of new connections to get into trouble with. Is that a valid concern or hell, is just getting her into some more intensive therapy right now nearby worth that risk?  Is is really a risk? I don't know anymore. I don't know what I know.  I am frozen with indecision. My H isn't much help. He's dumbfounded by this recent spiral.

I've said we'll pull you out of school and do online - she threatens suicide. Doesn't like to be home. Yet, school is stressful because she's stopped talking to everyone and has one single friend left... She's falling apart. I need to get a grip, take a breath and think of what to do. Great timing with no doctor or insurance on my side this week. We can do Cobra if we need to - we will see. Sigh.... thanks for listening. And sorry for all the posts. It just feels good to write it out to people who won't judge and who are not sick of hearing me talk about it. [smile]
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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Torie
Oh dang. So very sorry you and your d are experiencing this.

I'm also sorry I don't have any advice for you - just a lot of questions, which is probably the last thing you need right now. What I'm wondering is how you can up her nutrition, if you can go in and eat lunch with her, if you can add an evening smoothie, that type of thing. No need to answer - just offering things you might think about. 

It's actually a great sign that she texted you! Sure hope Ed doesn't punish her for that. Your real d knows she needs your help - Ed will fight tooth and nail, but don't forget your real d reached out to you. That's huge! My d has never done that.

Anyway, please don't give a second thought to any number of posts. The more posts the better! Even if I don't know what to suggest, I can still read your posts and send positive thoughts your way.

I know others will have more and better advice. And I know we'll all be thinking of you and your d. Please remember to take care of yourself during all this. Your d needs you to stay strong.

Hang in there! You can do this. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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hopefulmama
Dear Hate ED - 

I could have written your post 3 years ago.  My d was in the exact same place. The depression, despair and hopelessness were overwhelming - for all of us. My d was a senior in HS, couldn't make it there most days, had isolated from ALL of her friends, refused to consider meds after some bad experiences, etc. I can relate so deeply to where you are right now.

Here are some thoughts. I'm sorry I don't know all of your details. 

1 - Are you absolutely sure your d is weight restored? I know she has her period (which is great), but is she back at or above HER historic weight percentile?  How I used to hate when people on this forum asked me that question when my d was where yours is. [mad] It was infuriating and I thought the only thing they only had to say. The truth is that although my d was at a more than healthy weight (per bogus weight charts), she was a good 10-15 lbs below HER historic weight percentile.  She tracked about 75th percentile her whole life and didn't really start to recover until we got back to that range or above it. I thought she was already suicidal so how was gaining MORE weight going to help, but it did. Her mood actually improved!

2 - You are wise to look at other classes of drugs.  My d had a horrific reaction to Prozac.  We finally found a great psych (so hard to find -  Who knew so many psychs were crazy?) who said he would never try her on another SSRI without metabolic testing.  He suggested the anti psychotic class and the improvement for my d was almost immediate.  She only took a dose in the morning.  The pill bottle sat on the breakfast table every morning and I made sure she took it.  She HATED it because she was 18 and I was making her feel like a child, but she did it.

3 - Good for you for finding and implementing DBT.  It was a game changer for my d.  (Although she had to be WR for it to really matter.)  Since you don't yet have a DBT t yet, can you help her to use some of her DBT skills to manage this current hopelessness streak?  The distress tolerance skills are usually best in this case and the easiest to learn and use.  

4 - As for PHP, I think it would depend on the program. if it is truly evidence based then it might be helpful.  My d ended up going residential again (at this stage), gained some of the extra weight and then came home and went to an evidence based PHP program for basically forever. She needed meal support for a LONG time.  She ate every meal at the PHP or with me for months. The risk of being around other sick girls is a risk, but our experience was that the benefits far outweighed (no pun intended) the risks.

5 - As for school, we had the same thing. As impossible as it was for my d to go to school, when I said we would keep her home and home school, she said that would only make it worse and make her more depressed.  If she is not eating at school that's a game changer to me. When my d went residential, she did finish school to graduate although she never participated in the ceremonies.  However, there were lots of girls in the residential and later PHP programs who were just taking a break from school to concentrate on getting healthy first. It is not a bad message to send that nothing happens until they're healthy.  We later kept my d home for a semester before college because she wasn't ready.  Again, she hated us with a passion, but now says it was the best thing we did for her.  Believe me, I know how hard it is to do.  We think that if we just let them move forward with life, they will get better.  That never worked for us.  Once healthy. they all catch up eventually, because they are young and resilient. 

I am an all or nothing type of person by nature.  Dealing with this illness has changed me though. I see so much progress you and your d have made.  An analogy we used to use with my d all of the time (and she hated it) was that she was climbing Mt Everest.  Your d has made it up maybe 75% of the mountain.  She may just need a push and/or some tweaking to make it to the summit. Maybe it helps to look at it that way. 

My d first started treatment 4 years ago tomorrow.  I have been very reflective this week.  She is studying abroad in South America this semester and embracing every opportunity.  ED is not part of our lives.  She effectively uses DBT for anxiety she was born with.  The DBT is just part of her now. I am very proud of what she has accomplished. This study abroad opportunity is all the sweeter for her (and her us) because of how hard she worked to get there. Your d can get there too!
Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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Psycho_Mom
hi,

I'll just add that no medication is going to work unless it is taken as prescribed.

And I believe nearly all mood-related medications have the potential to cause mayhem if not taken as prescribed. I know if my d misses more than two or more doses of Prozac in a row it is definitely noticeable. But taken regularly, it has been extremely helpful to her.

Do the prescribers know that she is not taking the meds regularly?

What happens if you require that the med is taken, in your presence, every morning? (And after that is done and a good breakfast eaten, she can go to school.....)Taking the med regularly for a month or so, would at least allow the ability to tell whether or not it's the right one. As is, you have no way of knowing.

Also, when the doc calls, he may not be able to talk TO you, but there is nothing preventing him from listening to a report from you on how things are going.

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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HateEDwithApassion
Hi, I answered your questions below. Very very helpful and enlightening to me. Here goes.
hopefulmama wrote:
Dear Hate ED - 

I could have written your post 3 years ago.  My d was in the exact same place. The depression, despair and hopelessness were overwhelming - for all of us. My d was a senior in HS, couldn't make it there most days, had isolated from ALL of her friends, refused to consider meds after some bad experiences, etc. I can relate so deeply to where you are right now. So grateful you can. It's helpful to have another who's walked this road share what you did or discovered or tried. Thanks.

Here are some thoughts. I'm sorry I don't know all of your details. 

1 - Are you absolutely sure your d is weight restored? I know she has her period (which is great), but is she back at or above HER historic weight percentile?  How I used to hate when people on this forum asked me that question when my d was where yours is. [mad] It was infuriating and I thought the only thing they only had to say. The truth is that although my d was at a more than healthy weight (per bogus weight charts), she was a good 10-15 lbs below HER historic weight percentile.  She tracked about 75th percentile her whole life and didn't really start to recover until we got back to that range or above it. I thought she was already suicidal so how was gaining MORE weight going to help, but it did. Her mood actually improved!  I didn't know the answer and called her pediatrician today. Yes - she is actually at her historic percentile. Now that they are digital files, they didn't immediately have the cute graph on hand, but they went and found the paper chart. Always 50% percentile and now at age 17, that is what she currently is too. This was a profound question. I've been reading about adding weight even though WR and was wondering. Probably still can't hurt, but yes - she's in the historic curve right now.

2 - You are wise to look at other classes of drugs.  My d had a horrific reaction to Prozac.  We finally found a great psych (so hard to find -  Who knew so many psychs were crazy?) who said he would never try her on another SSRI without metabolic testing.  He suggested the anti psychotic class and the improvement for my d was almost immediate.  She only took a dose in the morning.  The pill bottle sat on the breakfast table every morning and I made sure she took it.  She HATED it because she was 18 and I was making her feel like a child, but she did it. We are having a very tough time connecting with the doctor this week. I think our psych is very good, but boy - psychiatrists are tough to reach and work with. No answering machines, phone tag, etc. I hope he calls tonight because he doesn't work on Fridays. I asked if he doesn't reach my D - call me. I left a message that she's doing badly on the 10 mg. I'm thinking he'll just up it to 20. Everything is done in stages, which kinda makes me crazy when I'm desperate for a quick fix.

3 - Good for you for finding and implementing DBT.  It was a game changer for my d.  (Although she had to be WR for it to really matter.)  Since you don't yet have a DBT t yet, can you help her to use some of her DBT skills to manage this current hopelessness streak?  The distress tolerance skills are usually best in this case and the easiest to learn and use. She is just finishing her first module - the distress tolerance model. She told me today she likes the group but isn't sure the skills help, and I don't think she's using them. I understand that's a common refrain, but that they do indeed help in the long-run. I still believe this is our best hope regarding therapy. She will be doing it for a year and is good with that. 

4 - As for PHP, I think it would depend on the program. if it is truly evidence based then it might be helpful.  My d ended up going residential again (at this stage), gained some of the extra weight and then came home and went to an evidence based PHP program for basically forever. She needed meal support for a LONG time.  She ate every meal at the PHP or with me for months. The risk of being around other sick girls is a risk, but our experience was that the benefits far outweighed (no pun intended) the risks. We have no evidence based PHP here in my town. We have to drive 2 hours. I'm trying to avoid right now because no insurance and my H is in a demanding new job - of course, - so it's really on me to manage what this will all look like. But not ruling it out - not by a long shot. 

5 - As for school, we had the same thing. As impossible as it was for my d to go to school, when I said we would keep her home and home school, she said that would only make it worse and make her more depressed.  If she is not eating at school that's a game changer to me. When my d went residential, she did finish school to graduate although she never participated in the ceremonies.  However, there were lots of girls in the residential and later PHP programs who were just taking a break from school to concentrate on getting healthy first. It is not a bad message to send that nothing happens until they're healthy.  We later kept my d home for a semester before college because she wasn't ready.  Again, she hated us with a passion, but now says it was the best thing we did for her.  Believe me, I know how hard it is to do.  We think that if we just let them move forward with life, they will get better.  That never worked for us.  Once healthy. they all catch up eventually, because they are young and resilient. We talked about this again today. She's still adament that school is better than home all day.  If we have to do more intensive therapy, though, we'll do online school and probably not go back unless she's really stable. Again, wait and see.

I am an all or nothing type of person by nature.  Dealing with this illness has changed me though. I see so much progress you and your d have made.  An analogy we used to use with my d all of the time (and she hated it) was that she was climbing Mt Everest.  Your d has made it up maybe 75% of the mountain.  She may just need a push and/or some tweaking to make it to the summit. Maybe it helps to look at it that way. Thank you. Hard to see it, but I know that's true.

My d first started treatment 4 years ago tomorrow.  I have been very reflective this week.  She is studying abroad in South America this semester and embracing every opportunity.  ED is not part of our lives.  She effectively uses DBT for anxiety she was born with.  The DBT is just part of her now. I am very proud of what she has accomplished. This study abroad opportunity is all the sweeter for her (and her us) because of how hard she worked to get there. Your d can get there too!
Your story is an inspiration. I am going to bookmark it - ha - as a reminder that things can get better even when bleak. Thank you for taking the time to write.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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HateEDwithApassion
Psycho_Mom wrote:
hi,

I'll just add that no medication is going to work unless it is taken as prescribed.

And I believe nearly all mood-related medications have the potential to cause mayhem if not taken as prescribed. I know if my d misses more than two or more doses of Prozac in a row it is definitely noticeable. But taken regularly, it has been extremely helpful to her.

Do the prescribers know that she is not taking the meds regularly?

What happens if you require that the med is taken, in your presence, every morning? (And after that is done and a good breakfast eaten, she can go to school.....)Taking the med regularly for a month or so, would at least allow the ability to tell whether or not it's the right one. As is, you have no way of knowing.

Also, when the doc calls, he may not be able to talk TO you, but there is nothing preventing him from listening to a report from you on how things are going.

best wishes,

Thanks for your reply. You are so right. Most of the time, I do watch it go in and watch her swallow, but here and there, I'll turn to put something in the dishwasher and bam - it's gone, and she swears she took it. I don't know if she did.

I guess I need to just stand there and force her to take it while I watch, don't I? I mean, gosh - I'm trying, but she could give me a hand here. She said she's tired of feeling like this and can't do it anymore - then take the damn pill! 

The doctor does know she ditches meds - I told him in front of her and we talked about her hatred of feeling like a zombie. Great doctor. Said he was not pro-medicine (ha! from a psych) and hated to prescribe to people who don't want meds, but it's a safety issue and he knows that they work when they find the right one. This is why he started low on 10 mg Prozac. She was doing better a few days ago, so is she ditching again. Very likely. I'll watch more closely. Thanks.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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Torie
Hi again - First, when we were in a similar terrible place, hopefulmama gave me great advice, so I'm glad to see she responded to this thread. (Lots of similarities amongst us.)

Have you re-read your old posts? Re-reading them, my feeling is that in your shoes I would make sure my d takes the Prozac. Sounds like it fixed so much of the nightmare but made her sleepy? Yay! She can be sleepy long enough to sort the rest out. The other stuff is just too scary - sleepy is a small price for getting through this. You can sort out the sleepy later.

And yes, I'd definitely try to up her weight. My d was in a deep, dark, suicidal depression with cutting ... like hopefulmama's d (but unlike yours), Prozac made her more suicidal so we had to discontinue. Time and additional weight have gotten my d 90% back to her old self (and s-l-o-w-l-y progressing still) - the additional 5 - 10 pounds can't hurt and might help a lot. 

Keep telling your d it WILL get better. No matter what she says, keep insisting that is true.

All the best. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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momof4_US
Sorry to hear of your continued struggles with your daughter.  Some of what you describe rang true for my daughter as well. One note of caution is that the historical growth chart may not be entirely accurate. Years into treatment my daughter was able to remember disordered eating actions hiding and sneaking food as far back as 9.  My daughter always petite was around the 25th for weight and 5th for height.  She needed to gain 20 pounds more then what we thought would be weight restored before seeing a change in her behavior.  While the last 20 was gained through some disordered eating I believe it was truly what her body and brain needed.  When I realized my daughter would dump the ensures or not take her medicine I made both non negotiable.  I stood there and watched her drink the ensure and swallow her medications which I dosed each day.  May seem crazy for an older teen but she could not do it herself.  The disease robbed her the abiltity of making rational decisions.  There was some choice words yelled at me but I stood firm and matter of fact and used any leverage I had.  In the end I think it was a relief that my daughter didn't have to manage this in such a mentally weakened state.  We did go through several different SSRI's until setting on zoloft which seems to help.  I have followed some of your posts and it really seems that your daughter is making progress.  Being able to text you how she is feeling is a step in the right direction.  DBT can be helpful but it may be a way down the road until your daughter can really put them into play.  Think of this time as laying the foundation.  Trusts your instincts. I'm a believer in mom's gut instincts.  Wishing you continued strength and endurance.
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Psycho_Mom
Hi again,


I guess I need to just stand there and force her to take it while I watch, don't I?

Well, You could say something like "Taking the med every day seems really hard for you, and it's really important, so I'm going to help you."

And she'll say something like "HELP me by standing there watching me like I'm a two year old blah blah blah"

And you can say something like, "yeah. Life's crazy, eh?" or "Yeah, I'm going to do whatever is needed to help you get better."

In other words, keep reframing, for her and for yourself, on the idea that it's the illness causing her difficulties, not willfulness or disobedience on her part.

Although I TOTALLY understand your frustration and believe me, the reason I know about reframing is because I had and have to do it twenty times a day with my own d (I TOLD HER FIFTY TIMES TO DRINK MILK WITH DINNER WHY IS SHE MAKING ME CRAZY!!! etc)


....I told him in front of her and we talked about her hatred of feeling like a zombie. Great doctor. ...This is why he started low on 10 mg Prozac. She was doing better a few days ago, so is she ditching again. Very likely. I'll watch more closely. Thanks.

Sounds like you are doing a great job of communicating and getting support for your d.

10 mg of Prozac is still titrating up to a dose that could be effective against anxiety/depression, I think. It's wise to go slowly, even though yeah, it takes a long time when everyone is suffering.

Hang in there,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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hopefulmama
Dear Hate ED - 

You have received such great advice.  I live PM's dialogue primer.  It sounds crazy, but I cant' tell you how much it helped me to manage my own anxiety when I had phrases I could repeat to my d.  I agree with the fact that she may just need monitoring of meds for now just like she needs monitoring for food.  It is what it is.  I used to tell my d it was temporary and the only way for hr to get her life back.  (Repeat ad nauseum.)

As for weight, it's great she is back on her historic weight curve.  My d did need to go higher for awhile before settling back into her range.  Are you familiar with the Minnesota Starvation Study?  That is what occurred with most of the participants.  It was a little bit different for my d, because they pushed her weight higher to get her period back.  She ended up growing almost 2 inches at almost 19!!!!!  I wish i understood how it works, but there is something that happens in their brain when they go over a weight number that they think is their number.  It is like anxiety exposure therapy AND then there are the physical benefits too.  It also helped my d a lot to increase her fat intake.  This was a key area that she had cut out for so long and had a really hard time eating of enough of for a log time. 

As for DBT, yes it is a LONG commitment.  It takes a long time to even learn all of the modules , let alone learn to implement them.  It is neuro-placidity of the brain.  You are retaining your brain to handle emotions, anxiety, etc.  It takes a LONG time and it is not a straight line.  My d also said for a long time that DBT didn't work for her.  It might work for other girls, but not her. There will be times your d uses her DBT skills to regulate her emotions and then the next day she won't.  An analogy that really helped me is that there is a worn down running path in her brain.  She experiences strong emotions, anxiety, that she can't handle and she goes to those behaviors that she is used to, down that well worn path. (Think ED behaviors, self-harm, withdrawal, etc.) DBT is teaching her brain to forge a new path. It is overgrown and she has to blaze a new trail.  In time, with repeated use of DBT skills, that new trail will become open and wide and the old path will become overgrown.  This helped me see why it was inconsistent and why it takes so long.  I mean months and maybe even more than a year before you really see consistent improvement. It is an investment that pays huge dividends though.  My daughter was born with anxiety and she needed life long skills to learn to manage.  It also seemed to help her that she saw me implementing DBT in my own life.  I would just give an example of how a skill helped me.  I didn't suggest that she use it, (she would have hated that), but just tried to model.

Good luck to you as you move forward!
Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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HateEDwithApassion
Vent coming - Please ignore if  you want.

Grrr..well the med doctor called my D back last night, and when she didn't answer (third day of phone tag), he left a message. BUT never called my phone, like I specifically asked if he didn't get a hold of her. I stressed that she wasn't doing well and that one of us HAD to talk with him about her meds ASAP.

Jeez - She's only 17 - in the US, he should still be talking to the parents, too, correct? Honestly, what the hell can you do when you are fighting to advocate for your kids or at least get them help, and you get ignored? 

I hate the mental health treatment world. I literally hate it and many of the so-called professionals in it. I'm sure it's a terribly stressful job, and for them, my D is not life or death, but I'm still mad. And desperate, so that's probably why I'm particularly mad.

I melted down last night because I also found out my D was smoking pot again. Lied right too me about it too. So, she's  not helping herself with the depression in any way, but says she does it because it does make her feel happy for a short time. That's really sad to me. And scary what is being developed with an addiction. So, she's grounded again, which of course, is not good for the depression. Can't win in this big nonending circle of yuck.

Doc is off today and Monday. Swell. I'm sorry for all the negativity.

There are so many others who are battling even harder things with their kids (You guys are my heroes and I wish I could hug you all and buy you a very large martini - ha), and I'm not so ungrateful that I don't recognize that. I do. I'm grateful to still have her. I'm grateful to be the one God has entrusted with this job because I love her so much. I'm just worn out, too. Thanks for listening.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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Calm_USA
Ah HateED, consider yourself hugged.  I understand your feelings about the mental health treatment world.  Finding quality help when you need it is such a struggle and then the treatment is such a dance.  To get you through the next few days I think you know you need to monitor your daughter taking the medication she has.  It's not negotiable.  PyschoMom has given you some great phrases to use to cope with the backlash ED will give you.  Come Tuesday I suggest you park yourself in the psych's office and let him know what is going on.  I would think he would want to try upping the dosage. I know we had to really up the dosage (slowly) for my daughter.  Zoloft proved to be the best med for her and in recovery we have been able to dial down the dosage to a maintenance level. 

Take the next few days to rev up her nutrition too.  My d was another one who needed to go well above her historic weight curve in order to recover.  She added 15-20 lbs and grew 1/2 inch.  Up those fats.

Fabulous that you are doing DBT.  It takes time but can really make a difference.  I know you have just begun but work with her on those skills.  Practice.  Practice. Practice.  I'm sure you have stories she can relate to.  Have you ever been someplace that you've hated being but you couldn't leave so you imagined you were doing something else?  That's a DBT skill.  I use to hate going to the dentist when I was a kid.  The bright lights and sound of the drill were horrible to me.  I would imagine I was on a space ship and that made it tolerable.  That made sense to my d when I told her that.  Then I actually made her laugh when I told her about the time I went to an Alice Cooper concert (husband's choice!) and the only way I could figure out to escape the noise was to fall asleep....which I did! 

I know you are reeling from learning she is smoking pot.  That lying feels like betrayal. Remember that your d is not able to make good choices right now and you can't change what she did but you can influence what she will do.  You have come so far.  You have the power to make it to the top. In the midst of your weariness and despair we are here to remind you of that. If the local PHP program is not evidence-based I wouldn't bother with it. You know how to feed her.  You know how to make sure she takes her meds.  You know how to rephrase comments.   And you know that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Stay strong and know you are not alone.
Mom of a 19 yr old. RAN diagnosed 1/2014. Residential, PHP, IOP. W/R since late summer 2014. Now in remission and thriving in her second year at university. My Faith remains.
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HateEDwithApassion
Thank you so much CalmUSA -

Just a question from all of your great advice. [smile]

How do you get your D to participate in practicing DBT skills with you? My D is in an individual teen girls' DBT group (we aren't learning it together, therefore) and whenever I try and ask her about what she's learning or give any advice about anything, she always says - Mom, you're not the therapist. Stop." 

Ha. But seriously. I guess she's right. I don't know DBT because I'm not in the class. There's a parent night next week in which the girls' teach us the DBT skills. I'm nervous about it because she's pretty closed to me, and I don't think she is going to be real into the parent night. Hope she is though. I did buy the Linehan book, so I'm trying to read about the skills. Wish they had a class for parents concurrent to the girls. Thanks for your ideas - and for the encouragement. So grateful.


19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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HateEDwithApassion
Oh and another question!  How do you increase nutrition for a child when she's been told this whole time that when she has her period and is WR (by ED specialist) that she is good?

She will definitely balk at increased food because she's been the same weight now for a couple of years, and that's always been okay with everyone. I do agree with your advice for sure, but just wonder if you have ideas on how to do it practically so she'll actually be compliant.

I need to talk with her ED dietician about this and enlist her help in increasing things I believe. My D trusts her evidence based knowledge, and coming from her, it will be accepted. She already thinks I'm nuts when I pressure her about food because she's maintaining.  It's harder now that she's 17 and already has lost so many privileges on which we have used leverage. Not nearly as compliant in any aspect now. Sigh. 

Thanks again for your responses and insights. 

19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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