F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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monalisa Show full post »
monalisa
Hi Enn:

Thank you for your reply. I have come a long way I must say.  I was so looking forward to having somebody to be as angry as I am, but, obviously that's not the case here. Thank you for your honesty. I AGREE. 
She went upstairs to mingle but promised me ALL of them were going to keep their distance. 
I think for me it just isn't the case of the Covid and mingling. She only eats 1 meal a day and that usually isn't till after 7 and sometimes not till 9, so going upstairs more than likely she won't eat but will have a couple of glasses of wine and that scares me even more.
Again thank you
I will let go and let God as well as doing a few rounds of EFT (tapping) (Emotional Freedom Technique) I find this helpful.
Monalisa
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Foodsupport_AUS
I understand your frustrations and upset re this. I am in Australia and we still have very strict social distancing rules despite our very few ongoing cases. Here this would be an illegal activity with high fines if you were caught. Nonetheless, my D who does live with me has been invited on a few occasions to do activities over the last few months against these rules. Mostly she follows the rules but she is also an adult and I have had to learn to let her make these decisions which I don't agree with. To add to the complexity of things I am still leaving the house for work which involves me being in contact with others, there is limited availability for PPE so I am a potential infections source to the home. My D on the other hand has been confined to the house for the last six weeks other than going out for defined purposes. This leads to the debate as to who is the greater risk. 
It is never easy but I do feel that it is important to recognise the anxiety and uncertainty for what it is. Anger is unlikely to help. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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MKR
Hi @monalisa,

Good to hear from you again. 

I take it that up until this point your daughter has stayed away from her landlords?  And so the temptation to drink was minimised?

Turning down an invitation to see the baby would be more awkward than joining their "bubble". I am not sure though if your daughter is "vulnerable" due to her ED history.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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monalisa
Hi MKR
First of all he isn't a baby, he is 7 years old.
My daughter sees my ex friends all the time. They share the same laundry room but keep themselves at a safe distance. My being ticked off is also about the fact that she went on social media 2 weeks ago and called police and complained about all the cars lined up on her street. She was DISGUSTED  and couldn't understand why people are not listening to the rules. Yet, today, it's ok for HER family to visit from another city. Yes I am very ticked off. I understand my daughter is an adult, but I really thought she'd have more sense than this.
Just my opinion.

Canada
Monalisa
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MKR
Oops, sorry. I'd read the original post too fast and thought "months" not "years"...

Do you know if your daughter is better at eating now? Before lockdown, you mentioned only 1 meal a day, and that is surely not enough. It would make her body more vulnerable to the virus.

There are always those who misinterpret the lockdown and distancing rules, and especially when the worst crisis is over. As consolation, any potential infection would be easier to trace back to the landlady's family. But of course, you don't really want your daughter exposed in the first place.

Only parents who have been through the ED hard times can appreciate the risks.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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monalisa
Hi:
Thanks for the replies, much appreciated.
My d and I had a pretty good afternoon today. We drove about 25 mins to visit an elderly lady friend of ours who sees nobody and just sits in her chair all day long. I use to go see her when she lived only minutes away every Friday and mingled with all the other residents. Unfortunately, she wasn't the type to mix with people, loved being alone. I felt so bad for her. 

She was moved to another Home b/c she needed long term care and I didn't get to see her for a long time (7/8 months) 
Last week my daughter made her a HUGE banner and we went to the Home to visit. Of course outside her window. Thank God she was on the 1st floor. It was a great visit and my d and I took our own cars.
Today we did the same thing. I took her a gift bag of goodies and d made her 2 more special banners for her room.
I was so very proud that my d agreed to even come with me. There was a time she'd have nothing to do with it even though she really cared about this woman.

 I was so surprised to see my daughter in a dress. It has been YEARS since last she wore a dress and jewelry. She looked so beautiful.

I honestly have to say that I HAVE COME A LOOOOONG WAY.  Even though it's really hard for me to break old habits I AM WORKING REALLY HARD and with God's help and using my EFT when needed I am slowly working things out within myself. When you are hitting 73 years old and been in this ED battle for over 20 years with a HIGHLY intelligent young woman, there seemed to be no end for us whatsoever. I am learning that it isn't "us" I have to work on IT IS ME. 
Coming in here and asking for help and LISTENING (albeit not all the time b/c I am a right fighter) I had to learn that it's not about me. Even though this disease affects the both of us it is my daughter who is the true sufferer and HERO here.

My d has come a long way, however, she is still so sick and I am  so afraid for her.  She is only eating 1 meal a day. It has to be after 6. Some nights it's 9 pm b/4 she eats. She says that b/c it's only 1 meal she has to make sure it's a healthy meal.

She knows EVERYTHING she is suppose to do to maintain a healthy balance but will not eat 3 meals. She says that there is no way she is EVER going to eat that amount of food.

She wants to go back to University and get into research of the brain. She's always been infatuated with the Science of what makes the brain work.

I really don't have anything to ask to be honest with you all. I know that no matter what you advise me to say to her she has already heard and refuses to adhere to anyone who tells her she has to eat healthier. She knows this but refuses.

Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to vent.
I am 73 years old and making changes in my life that I thought would be IMPOSSIBLE. When one becomes aware and figures out for themselves that what they are doing isn't working.....they (me in particular) works really hard to make the change. Doesn't mean that every day is a bed of roses, however, when I MAKE myself STOP and become aware.....there is hope for me.

Good night and God Bless from Canada  








Monalisa
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melstevUK
Hi Mona Lisa,

I know you still have worries about your d, but she sounds to have come such a long way from when you first posted and I am delighted by that. As well as with the fact that she wore a dress and you thought she looked beautiful. 
I can understand your frustration with her only eating one meal a day.  You must still worry so much, especially if she has
lost weight again. This is one facet about an which is often ignored but plays a part, I believe, in the maintenance of the illness, and that is the physiological aspect. Your d is clearly able to function on one meal a day. I simply could not do that; my stomach would not allow it. I would start to feel sick, I would need to sit down and feel faint. I just can't cope without regular eating. My h, on the other hand, could have cereal in the morning and then survive on coffee and cigarettes until the evening. My d inherited his facility for going without food and eating and this is one reason she was able to become anorexic. 
Clearly your d has this facility for not eating for a long period and so she doesn't feel the need to change. She seems able to tolerate this level of abstinence from eating. I can't offer any suggestions for helping you change this situation, I only write to point out that this factor, which helps to maintain the illness, is not uncommon. All you can do is be supportive and encourage her to try and change her eating routine to something which is less self-destructive.
You have had such a long struggle with your d s illness and it is awful whenever we have to witness a slide backwards. 
I am glad you seem to have found ways of moving on for yourself and techniques for managing your own feelings. That is so important. Well done. 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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HopeE
I'm as sad to read this as you are to post it. It is heartbreaking and so, so, so real. I frequently wonder if the depression, anxiety and ED will take my daughter, as well. Her will to even hope has been dismantled time and time again. Her thoughts are echoed in your daughter's writing. The hurt is so deep. Seeing a therapist for myself has helped some. But to be honest, I still don't feel completely understood regarding the angst and horror of watching my sweet d. lose her spirit. I'm not giving any advice - just sitting here with you - offering a prayer for some hope. 
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monalisa
MelstevUK thank you.  I do the best I can. God only knows how hard I am working on NOT annoying her with my questions and comments like I use to. I believe I have come a long way.

Jedwa2222 thank you. I feel your pain as well. My heart goes out to all of you in this forum.

My greatest worry is that she so wants to go back to University. She definitely wants to work in research.

I suppose what I don't get (and yet in a way I do 🙁) she KNOWS that if she continues to eat only one meal a day, no matter how much she WANTS to go back to university, her body won't be able to support her.
I don't know what I could say to her that she hasn't already heard with regards to not having enough nutrients/good fats/calories etc. in her system for her  to even entertain the idea of going back.  She knows all the answers to all the flippin questions asked of her.
Is there ANYthing else I can say or do for her to let her know that ED is the enemy not me nor you nor coun/therapy etc.?
I am willing to try ANYTHING.....

Thanks
Canada
Monalisa
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Enn

In the past I recall she was doing nursing studies and she had wanted to give up? You note now that she WANTS to go back to school. I think that is very positive and may motivate her. I recall she had issues with ? Depression too and for her to want to forge a life and do research I think is commendable. I am not sure if I am missing something here, monalisa. 
Hoping that she will use this motivation to get healthier. 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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monalisa
Hi Enn:
Sorry if I confused you here. She DID want to get her Bachelor's  of Science Degree in Nursing. She had (I believe) 300 hours left in 2016 to get her degree when she got really sick with ED, Anxiety and Depression. Also at that time in November of 2016 while in hospital her then boyfriend of 2 years, via text, broke off with her which sent her deeper into depression. 
It's a very loooong story after that but the short of it is that she decided she didn't want to do nursing anymore. Sold all her books, her scrubs and didn't want to hear the word Nurse ever again.

As of this February 2020 she entered an (almost 2 month) program in Toronto called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) which involves a series of short magnetic pulses directed to the brain to stimulate nerve cells. She found this program has helped her with her depression and anxiety a great deal. It does nothing for eating disorders. She was there for her depression and anxiety. While she was in Toronto she started walking and lost over 20 pounds. Unfortunately, she continued walking and eating only 1 meal a day,supper.

There has been soooo much positive change in her (albeit sometimes she will call me feeling down,we talk and it really helps her.) however, since the Covid 19 has taken over, my daughter does not walk anymore, continues to only eat once a day but makes herself busy around her apartment doing chores that I thought WOULD NEVER GET DONE. I am so proud of how far she has come and makes sure she knows this. 

PS:  After the program was finished the Doctor thought she could have used a few more TMS procedures,unfortunately, the Covid struck. Not only that, the Doctor also recommended for my daughter to go into a new TMS research for eating disorders that the Toronto Hospital was going to start in the near future AND the COVID19 happened.

My hope is that once this virus is over and a vaccine is found soon after, my daughter will take this Doctor's offer to partake in the ED research. All I can do now is pray that she will STILL want to do it.
I hope I haven't made you more confused. I know I have been in this for over 20 years and sometimes I myself get soooo confused. 
God Bless
Canada 






Monalisa
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monalisa
Hi Enn:
Yes, she did go up twice now. Last Saturday night when x/girlfriend's son and daughter-in-law with THEIR son came from out of town to surprise his mom for Mother's Day. D called me and said that she was invited to go upstairs and have a glass of wine with them. I was a little concerned, however, I GOT OVER IT. Lately I must admit I am letting go and letting God help me more to work out MY issues.  These are all mine and not my daughter's. Her and I have talked about how I feel and how she feels at times about what is going on. I must say WE both have come a long way.

I AM however, very very worried about her weight loss. Since she returned from Toronto (end of Feb) she has lost 31 pounds. She is down to a size 2 🙁.  As I stated a few posts ago, D only eats 1 meal a day and it has to be between 5 and 8pm. She has absolutely NOTHING to eat or drink from the time she gets up in the morning until she eats at night.
I am very worried that all the work that was accomplished in Toronto with the depression and anxiety from her program (transcranial magnetic stimulation) will disappear if she continues on this path. We DO talk about it (not that often b/c I know how much it bothers her) but when we do she will tell me that at least she eats healthy once during the day.
  
I facetimed her today but she wouldn't allow me to see her face. She says she can't handle anybody looking at her b/c she feels so ugly.
Should I just leave it alone and not bring up ANYTHING anymore?  She IS keeping herself busy at the apartment with projects that she LOVES. Painting, art work, constantly cleaning, and of course her cat etc.

Don't know what else to say other than her depression and anxiety isn't too bad. She will call me when she's down and I can usually calm her down and convince her once we talked about what was eating at her and resolved it, LET IT GO.  When she sees that I have been doing this on a regular basis she can get there (letting things go) faster than ever.

Good night and God Bless
Canada









Monalisa
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Enn

Self care is very important. Make sure that you are living your good life, monalisa. You deserve it ,just as you feel your d does. I hope you do nice things for yourself. 
Sending my best. Today was a beautiful spring day here in Ontario. I hope you were able to enjoy the sunshine and weather. 

🌺

 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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monalisa
Enn:
I am doing my best. I am working very hard on MAKING SURE when negative thoughts come to me about my d's ED I reject them. Sometimes however, I find it difficult but manage to do it in spite of how I am feeling with God's help for sure. She won't talk about it AT ALL with me these days much less a therapist. Very concerned.
Thank you
Ontario Canada






Monalisa
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monalisa
Hi All,
It has been a while since I have been in here.  I wish I had better news that what I have to vent about today that's for sure. 
My beautiful daughter turns 37 in August and by the look of things she'll be 97 and STILL struggeling with this monster if something soon doesn't happen.

To date she has lost 37pounds and tells me (when I am NOT afraid to ask) that she is at her proper weight for her height (5'3") which is 117 lbs.
I ask her how does she feel about this weight and she immediately starts to cry. She knows, as does I, that she will continue to lose UNTIL ed is satisfied and that is NEVER.
She refuses to talk to anybody even me most of the time. She walks far too often and for too long.We actually talked the other day and she just looked and felt so lost. She told me how much of a failure she was. I tried telling her that one fails when one doesn't try and she is trying. Unfortunately, her mind is 24/7 triggered with ed. She continues to eat only once a day and usually it's after 6 o'clock.
She is a lost sould and my heart breaks for her every second of every day.
What a waste of talent.

Thanks for letting me vent.
God Bless
Canada 😥😥😥😥🙏🙏🙏
 
Monalisa
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PurpleRain
I'm so sorry. Come and vent as neededed. Sending virtual hugs
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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monalisa
Purple
Monalisa
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monalisa
PurpleRain

Hi.....have no idea what the heck I just did. Sorry.  My heart aches for all of those who are suffering, both parents and sons and daughters alike.

Regardless the age, they will always be OUR children.

God Bless and take care of you!!

Hugs and more Hugs from Ontario Canada
Monalisa
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melstevUK
Hi monalisa,

I am so sorry to hear of this latest setback and I understand the agony that you will be feeling watching her suffer.  I know that there was a time recently when she was socialising to some extent - do you have any idea why this came to a halt?  Why she has isolated herself again?  Maybe she experienced some rejection?

I understand the despair but a presentation at the recent Feast of Knowledge event, from a beautiful young lady who recovered from an eating disorder in her forties, stated very clearly how much her mother's love and hope played such an important part.  However hard it is, try and fly that flag of hope for your d - even though you might not feel it.  Try and make her see this as a temporary setback and not as returning right to the start again.  I would have told her that she was not a failure but that she is very ill and needs help.  Can you help her try and accept seeking help from someone or somewhere to stop this isolation which she seems to retreat to?  If you can break this behaviour it would be a start.  At this point in time it seems difficult for you to change her eating habits and eating once a day - so can you look at something else that you might be able to change? 

How can you help her with what she is feeling about other areas of her life?  Is there an alternative to pounding the streets?  If she is going to walk - is there any charity or animal shelter she can help with which would allow her to use energy contructively rather than see it as something to burn off to lose weight?  

I am not belittling your fear or what you are going through and we know that she has an eating disorder that dominates her life.  But if we cannot get any kind of leverage or upper hand with the eating disorder - then the only other thing we can do is to try and make a small change in a different area.  Any change for the better impacts the whole of the situation.  

I can't remember what her plans were - I know she had no plans to complete her nursing but I seem to remember that she was a bit more positive about the future.  

Can you tell us what has happened since that time?  

My heart goes out to both you and your daughter - you are both suffering enormously in your own way.  We are always hear to listen.
Hugs.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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monalisa
Good Morning MelstevUK:

Thank you for your input.
This is so so difficult and much harder to try and get a grip on when my daughter DO NOT want ANYTHING to do or ANYTHING relating to ED (her words...HER BEST FRIEND).
I believe I am ALWAYS flying the hope flag. It really doesn't matter anymore to my daughter. She knows, I think, that deep down inside of her soul, she will die and in as much as she wants to change her ed behaviour, and having almost 22 years under her belt with this monster, she believes she has done EVERYTHING that was expected of her and NOTHING worked according to her.
I don't know what else to say to be honest with everyone in here.
I feel as though it's just a matter of time b/4 ed succeeds. I would NEVER let her know that I feel this way.
She don't want to volunteer or do anything only lose more weight. 
There are days when she talks a good talk. She wants to go back to school and go into research. She wants to go back to Toronto and do the rTMS research program (b/c of the Covid she can't)
It seems that when she is ready to try something, ALL HECK BREAKS LOOSE and something gets in the way and this only drives her thoughts crazy and confirms: "Told you Momma, I am not worth getting better, God doesn't care about me".
Bottom line:  My daughter DOES NOT believe that she will ever get better b/c she has trusted so many professionals and NONE of them could zero in on 'HER THOUGHTS' the absolute reason why she is like this.

She knows that she needs to eat, she knows that she cannot continue to walk, she knows EVERYTHING there is to know with regards to recovery. Don't know what else to say. 

I am just waiting for the next shoe to drop to to speak.

Again thank you all

God Bless
Canada



 




Monalisa
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melstevUK
Hi again monalisa,

I get it.   So this is what I would try:

"b/c of the Covid she can't"  - make Covid-19 the thing to rage at.  This has stopped her plans and without those plans, ed is allowed to dominate her thoughts again.
Just express your sadness that her plans have been stymied because of this damned virus and try and get her to focus on what she can do in the meantime other than lose weight.  It is maybe scary to have to face speaking about the ed because maybe she will slam the phone down.  But this is the risk that I would take.

"She knows, I think, that deep down inside of her soul, she will die"  - I think that you believe this too.  I am sorry if this hurts you to hear that.  I understand the long and painful journey that you have both been on for so many years and I certainly don't believe in the perfect life/happy ever after because even after recovery from an eating disorder life always presents obstacles or difficulties.  There are patients who die, anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness and she became ill at a time when so much less was known about eating disorders. So your d did not have the benefit of newer thinking and interventions.  Again, tell her that.  And I would also be saying, how can anyone help her if she does not share her thoughts?

I don't know what to suggest to help move things forward again but I would be asking for her to consider doing something with her days other than walking and ask what, even in the short term, would give her even the slightest bit of happiness. 
Did she not get a cat?  I thought she did and that she liked having it.  What has happened to it? And to the other people who were in her life?

Can you fill in the gaps for us?   
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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monalisa
Hi MelstevUK

Thank you so much for your quick reply.

You are correct in saying that I believe she is going to die, and to be honestly blunt with you she does also. 

She actually gave me permission to read your posts. I told her that it is one thing for me as a parent to answer questions asked of me b/c it is coming from a different perspective than that of a sufferer. She agreed with me.

She said that she would put her thoughts into what you said and would let me know what she thinks about it so that I could let you know how she feels about everything.

Her height is 5 foot 2 inches and just lost another 2 1/2 lbs in a day and a half. She now down to 112 lbs.
She gets very nauseous several times a day and of course she knows why. She told me that she was afraid that this time there is no going back that ED has her for good.

She called her Dr. and he told her that he did the whole 10 yrds on her a few months ago when she went to him with the same problem. D knows what has to be done. ED is NOT going to let her, simple as that.

As soon as I receive her input I will post it.

Again, thank you so much for your support and input.

God Bless
Canada










 
Monalisa
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melstevUK
A quick reply again monalisa. 

Can your d get a shirt hospitalisation asap? Will she agree to it simply to stop this very dangerous weight loss? She needs an urgent intervention as this is too hard to fight herself at the moment. 
I don't know how easy it is to make this happen under the Canadian health system but can you make it happen?
I always said that your d is welcome to email me directly herself at any point if that would help. 
And please let her know that she has the support and loving prayers of all the parents on the forum, for whom every life on here matters. 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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monalisa
Good morning

Just off the phone with daughter and she gave me permission to send you her email address. I am not sure if I did it right. Can you please let me know if you get it.

Thank you all so much for caring

God Bless
Canada
Monalisa
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