F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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monalisa
January 4/2019

Good Evening:
    I can honestly say I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO BEGIN.
I am the Mom of a 35-year-old suffering from OSFED. My Daughter has been sick for close to 20 years. She started off as an Anorexic and today is suffering from the OSFED. Over the years she has been in the hospital, she has had therapy, she has seen Psychologists, Psychiatrists, ED counselors, at least 20 plus rounds of ECT's, been on so many meds that I (at one point) took her from one hospital b/c she was given so much medication that all she did was cry and wanted to take her life. When I took her out and got her off some of the meds she could at least connect with me on some levels. I took her to another hospital in Toronto but unfortunately, they didn't deal with eating disorders. They dealt with her depression and anxiety. After her stay in that hospital we would go back every couple of weeks to see her Psychiatrist but again the medication she was given did NOTHING what so ever for her other than making her zombie-like again. 

 April 7th of 2018 she went to London, Ontario Canada to a 10-week stay to an eating disorder program. She was 5 weeks in residence where they taught her to have 3 meals a day two snacks and another 5weeks (spent in a hotel) making her meals and taking it back to the residence to eat with the group. She was not at all happy about ANY of this. She maintained her weight but she absolutely HATED the fact that she felt so overwhelmed and always stuffed with food that she started to resent going. She DID complete the program and from there she had to go once a week (an hours drive from where we live)to see the Psychologist. I was allowed to sit in on some of the sessions and what I learned was that I was sabotaging her. Today I can see that and I am working very hard NOT to do it anymore.

TODAY: She has COMPLETELY reversed back to her old behaviors. She eats only 1 meal a day. I have a sneaking suspicion that she binges (don't vomit) sometimes at night.
This highly intelligent young lady was only 300 hours from receiving her Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. As of today, she wants nothing to do with nursing. As a matter a fact she has her scrubs and books online to sell.
She has lost all hope. She doesn't care whether or not she dies. She says she is only living b/c of me. 

I don't know what else to do for her. I feel like such a failure. I feel as though there should be more I can do to help her. She only has me. My family doesn't bother to ask how she is doing unless they need something from me.

 

Monalisa
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Foodsupport_AUS
Welcome to the forum, so sorry that your daughter continues to suffer after so long with this illness. When you have been struggling for so long it is normal to feel so down and disheartened. 

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I was allowed to sit in on some of the sessions and what I learned was that I was sabotaging her. Today I can see that and I am working very hard NOT to do it anymore.


I am sure  this made you feel terrible. One thing I would say is that it is common for someone with ED to blame others for this making things worse, when really it is the illness making things worse. It is hard to battle this illness day in day out and recovery is challenging for all. 

One thing I do know is that is important to take good care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you are not first caring for you. https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/what-did-you-do-for-you-today-9969435?pid=1306688146#gsc.tab=0
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Kali

Dear Monalisa,

I'm sorry your daughter continues to struggle and you are feeling hopeless. There are people who have recovered after being ill for many years so I hope you will not lose hope. 

I think that the treatment for eating disorders is similar whether the person is 35 or 15. And that is working towards normalizing eating behaviors. Eating enough, eating at regular intervals, and weighing enough and not engaging in any purging behaviors. 

Does your daughter live at home with you or does she live on her own? What typically seems to happen with adults is that they go to treatment, they do well for awhile because they are eating with supervision in the program and then when they leave treatment and are on their own after awhile they revert back to previous behaviors because they are not able to eat on their own; that is the illness. Many families have experienced, however, that when the ill person has support at mealtimes for a long time after treatment (3 meals and at least 2 snacks a day at regular intervals—sometimes for a couple of years) that they start to do much better and enter remission and then eventually recovery. Is there someone who can eat with her, be a good meal support person and make sure she is eating enough? 

I hear your frustration with the treatment she has had. Parents and families do not cause eating disorders. They are biological and genetic brain based illnesses. Parent blaming and family shaming has no place in effective therapy. 

As far as I know, there is not much evidence that medication works against eating disorders except:

In the case of bulimia there have been some clinical trials which showed improvement in symptoms with prozac.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa/antidepressants-eating-disorders

There is also some evidence that olzantapine can help during refeeding.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17190846

The depression and anxiety often associated with eating disorders can also be treated with medication.

Hoping for the best for you and your daughter.

warmly,

Kali

 

Food=Love
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melstevUK
Monalisa,

What an absolute heartache for both you and your d.  I am so, so sorry.  It is utterly tragic that the illness has been such a big part of your d's life for so long - but you are not 'sabotaging' anything, that is the illness speaking.

Unfortunately 20 years ago there was less understanding of eating disorders in general, and particularly of anorexia nervosa.  The good news is that understanding and treatment protocols have moved on and been developed, which are more effective than the purely psychological interventions which were used before, and which treated the patient as if he or she were 'choosing' to be ill.

Your d understandably feels desperate and says that she is only living for you.  This makes sense, because at present she cannot see anything outside the illness to give meaning to her life.  

What advice can we give you given the enormity of the difficulties facing both you and your d?

Is she very anti the nursing because she feels no hope that she will complete the course?  I can imagine that it seems such a daunting and impossible task that she simply cannot imagine being able to go back.

Ultimately you would both need to move onto a 'food is medicine' regime.  Your d may also benefit by having the neurobiology explained to her - that, because at some point in the distant past and for whatever reason, she lost too much weight, her susceptibility to the illness caused a 'switch' to be made in her brain that then stopped allowing her to eat.  There is no recovery without weight gain, unfortunately and the reason that the illness is so hard to treat is that the patient is simply terrified of eating and weight gain. 

Would it be possible for her to be put back into hospital for a short time again, with the aim of getting eating normalised and regular again, and then you would be involved in supporting her with maintaining that regime.  You need a particularly up to date and concerned psychiatrist or team who are willing to work with your d from a framework of optimism which uses a 'no blame' approach and which encourages her to tolerate the weight gain which she needs to accept to be returned to health.  Within that structure life then has to have small moments of pleasure, while your d learns that life can be worthwhile again and only later can she start thinking of what she wants to do with her life if she no longer wants to do with nursing.  On that level parents can be very helpful, because they can encourage dreams and find worthwhile activities for the sufferer to become involved in.  You know what she was like when she was younger and you can maybe help her get in touch with that side of herself again, even if she feels it is buried.

Animals can be hugely helpful in recovery - they can be cared for and walking dogs allows gentle and healthy exercise all while putting some responsibility on the sufferer for a living creature outside his or her self.

I really hope you can find staff who will be willing to work with your d.  While she probably feels quite old - there is still so much that she could do with her life.  But she needs to see beyond the limitations of the illness first.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear monalisa,

I wonder whether your D might benefit from the UCSD & CBL 5 day intensive Temperaments & Traits based Treatment with Supports (TBT-S) of the type that Eating Disorders Families Australia will be bringing to New Zealand & Australia in February and March 2019

There are a couple of videos and other information about TBT-S on the EDFA TBT-S event website that might provide helpful information for you

https://www.edfaevents.com/blog/

https://www.edfaevents.com/blog/neurobiology-of-eating-disorders

https://www.edfaevents.com/blog/families-are-fundamental-to-adult-treatment

https://www.edfaevents.com/about-1
ED Dad
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Mamaroo

So sorry you and your d have to life with this illness for such a long time.

As the others have said, treatment has improved the last couple of decades and it might help you watching these conference videos: 
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwAiWzISIlS1fBg3e6ljzeGDI7XAIC1LH&app=desktop

Here is a very good one:



Do not loose hope, she did well at the treatment centres. Can you copy what they did there? 

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!

D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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monalisa
Kali:
Thank you so very much for answering my post. It means an awful lot to me knowing that someone else actually can understand what I am going through.
My D doesn't live with me. She is, however, only 5 mins. away. She has one room in the basement of a house. She doesn't like it most of the time being there but she isolates herself and for her, this is ok even though most of the time she is so down in the dumps.
 She called me this morning telling me how anxious she was and to make matters worse she is sick with the flu. I asked her if she was willing to go back into the hospital and these were her remarks:

1. "I'm not going back into treatment."
2. "I think the idea of the animals is a good thing but I think it is just another thing I would probably let fall apart so I wouldn't do it."
3. "I'm not going back to Nursing."
4. "I don't think any suggestions are ever going to work for me b/c the proof is in the history."
5. "Everything that I've tried has failed so I'm hopeless like what's the sense hoping for something that's going to fall apart it doesn't make sense. There is no point putting hope into something that's not going to work. Everybody says history repeats itself why would I rely on something that doesn't work like it's proven. People use evidence and they prove things and they go forward with those things b/c they work but when stuff doesn't work you should stop tryin."

While she was telling me how she was feeling and saying all of the above she was crying. She just doesn't care or so she tells me. I know different though. She is so lonely, scared and it doesn't matter what I suggest we do she refuses and b/c of the refusal she cries because now she is full of guilt. I asked her if she would like to stay for supper but she has a lot of trouble eating in front of me these days much less anyone else.
There is so much more to this story and I hope in time I will be able to free it all from my chest here and hopefully embark upon a more positive journey through this maze because now I have a safe place for myself to come and vent.

Thank you so much for listening.
God Bless xoxo
Monalisa




 
 
Monalisa
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monalisa
Mamaroo thank you so much. I so appreciate you taking the time to use your experiences to help me.

I have followed EVERYTHING from her program when she came back home especially lately. NOTHING I say, do, suggest, offer etc. works. She is a very VERY polite young lady and usually replies by saying: " Oh, thank you so much, Momma, for the offer, but no thanks. I am so sorry Momma if I am hurting or upsetting you b/c of my situation". I tell her that's ok and not to worry that she isn't hurting me. Maybe another day we can try it again.


It is very late here in Canada and I am going to watch this video first thing after coming from Church tomorrow.

Thank you again and Goodnight.
God Bless from Canada.
Monalisa
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sk8r31
Hi Monalisa, and welcome.  I'm so sorry that you and your d have had such a challenging journey.  You've had some good replies to your post already, but I wanted to suggest a book and a podcast.  Decoding Anorexia by Carrie Arnold is very informative.  Carrie is a science writer, and this easily-read book gives a lot of good information.  In addition, Carrie recovered from an ED as an adult, with the support of her parents.  I think that will resonate with both you and your d.
June Alexander is another writer, who also recovered from ED as an adult, after suffering for many years.  Here is an interview with June, done by Tabitha Farrar, another recovered adult, who is well-respected in the area of patient advocacy.  I hope that these resources give you hope that recovery is possible, even after many years.
Good self-care is also important for you; as a caregiver and support person for your d you cannot neglect your own physical and emotional health.  Please take the best possible care of yourself, and if that also means seeing an MD or therapist for yourself, please do so.  You are doing so much to support your d, and your own health needs to be a priority too.
 
Sending warm support,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Kali
Dear Monalisa,

I'm sorry that she has the flu. Can you use that as a way to encourage her to come stay with you for awhile and go pick her up and bring her home until she feels better and then try and feed her while she is with you and keep her warm and cared for? Is she no longer in any treatment at all? I'm attaching the AED medical guidelines in case you want to take a look.

warmly,

Kali
Food=Love
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monalisa
Kali:
I have offered her to come and get her. I have suggested she'd come over to my place and get in MY bed and Mom would make her soup and tea. NOTHING seems to work for her. The sad part is, she is so apologetic. She just called me crying b/c she has "NO MOTIVATION' to unpack (trip to States a week ago). She wants to brush her teeth and at least wash her beautiful 🙁 face but can't seem to get a grip. 
I explained to her that she is sick with the flu and that ED is taking advantage of this and working that much harder to keep her where ED feels she belongs......WITH HIM.
She said that she was going to force herself to at least brush her teeth. I told her to make sure you endorse yourself for taking on this daunting task.
She had a fist and a leaf tattooed on her wrists a few years ago. The fist was supposed to help her endorse herself whenever she accomplished the smallest of feats, the leaf was for her to place all and any negativity on that leaf and imagine them floating down a river. Does she do it? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Once in a while when I remind her, she will say " Oh yeah, ok thanks Momma".  That's as far as the tattoo's got.

sk8r31: Thank you so much for your information. She doesn't have Anorexia today. She was 16 when that showed its ugly head.
Today she is suffering from OSFED but if watching these videos can help me I am willing to do anything to help her. 

AUSSIEedfamily:  Thank you so much for replying to my posts. I hate to show my ignorance but I have no idea what this "UCSD & CBL" is.  I am from Ontario Canada. I will check into this and see what I can find out.

Again thank each and every one of you for your kind words and support.

God Bless from Canada
 




Monalisa
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scaredmom
monalisa,
I am so sorry this has been so difficult for so long, for both your D and you. 
As for coming to you, while she is ill, what would happen if you actually went and brought her to your home rather than wait until she agrees? I am sure you know best. My D is a child and I do not believe at all that I know what to do with an adult with ED, however, I know that ED will make them say things that may mean the opposite of what your real D would want.
Just a thought. 
Big hug!
XXX 
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Kali

Scared mom has a good idea. I also stopped asking my d. (who is a young adult) whether she "wanted" to do certain things and just started doing them. Another option is for you to go over to her place and stay there with her and take care of her, take her temperature, make sure she has some fever reducing medicine if she needs it and soup and is taking liquids. It sounds on the one hand that she is crying out for help but that she is too ill to do anything about it. You don't have to ask her if it is ok because she will say no, you could just show up there and say you are concerned because she is not feeling well and you are there to help. 

warmly,

Kali

Food=Love
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Mamaroo
Hi, I can see from your post that your d is looking at the glass half empty and not seeing much hope for the future. I don't know if she can pull herself out of it. Like the others have said, could you go over there and help her? I had to wash her and brush my d's teeth on many occasions. You mentioned that you go to church, is your daughter religious as well? When things were going tough, I used to listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts the whole time (even during the nights I couldn't sleep). It is uplifting without being preachy. It is really hard to turn things around when our thoughts are so negative. Sending you lots of hugs!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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monalisa

What a FANTASTIC support system I have been welcomed into. I hope that someday I will be in a position to pay forward. Right now I feel as though I am on empty and absolutely nothing to offer. I will continue though coming in and seeking support.
With regards to showing up at her place: I CAN AND WILL DO THAT. I am certain though she won't eat or drink for me. I know this because I have tried so many times. 
If anything she has gained weight and there is no way she will talk about it other than her saying "I am fat and ugly Momma, you don't see what I see when I look in the mirror" and she is right. I don't.
Any words of wisdom for me to say to her when she says these things to me?. 

I go to Mass every Sunday and she use to go with me. She stopped going when she met her boyfriend but when they broke up (LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG story) she started up again. A few months ago she decided God wasn't doing anything for her and said that He ignores her because if He truly loved her He would make her better. My response to her was this:  When God created us He gave us all a free will and we were to use that will wisely. You want Him to make you better without having to do any work whatsoever. This is when she gets really upset with me and tells me that "
I have been to all kinds of Drs., counselors, in hospital help, out hospital help, DBT, CBT, medications etc. what else do you expect me to say Mom when I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing works." This when I become completely stuck for words.

Does anyone want to give it a try?  I have no clue how to respond anymore.

God Bless
Canada

 

Monalisa
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scaredmom
Right now you need to take care of you and D. We are here to give back what we have received in kind. I do hope you keep coming here for support. These people all over the world helped me and my D so much. I don't think D would be as well as she is without the forum.
Yes, you go to her. Sometimes the expectation that you have that she will eat or drink may help. Portray confidence even if you don't feel it.  

Really there is nothing you can say to ED when they talk like that. Some of us just said "hmmm, OK," then changed the subject. What does she like music, plants, animals, painting, pottery, crafts, knitting, colouring? Steer her to those topics. Maybe even start talking about those things before she says anything. You know in the past, discussions like that likely got nowhere, so shift your stance a bit... it may help. It may help you too, discussing something other than ED. It is bonding on a different level, more about shared interests maybe?I don't know what you have tried in the past, I am just throwing things out. Take what you need, throw away what does not seem to fit.  If you took a friend or family over to her would she eat in front of them? My D liked to seem normal in front of others so she ate well with a companion. 
I know others will be around soon to offer support too.
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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tina72
I just want to chime in and say that I think it is helpful not to ask and not to offer possibilites that can be negotiated. My d is a young adult, too, and with food and meals we just did not ask her in the dark days. We put it in front of her and if she did not start eating we would have spoon fed her. So I would not ask her to come to your home. I would drive to her, pack some things in a bag and say "You will come and stay with me until you are better now" and just take her. If she is that polite woman you write about I think she will not dare to negotiate with you if you say that  strict and firm. Fake it if needed. Take another relative or friend with you if needed.

If she negotiates I would try to say "If I were sick you would take me with you to care for me, wouldn´t you? That is the most normal thing families do in the world."

"If anything she has gained weight and there is no way she will talk about it other than her saying "I am fat and ugly Momma, you don't see what I see when I look in the mirror" and she is right. I don't."

Maybe it helps her to explain to her that this is part of the disease and that her brain tells her that he sees something in the mirror that is not there in reality. My d often sat besides me and said things like "your legs are somuch thinner than mine" "you are thinner than me" and it was really not true as I wore size M and she wore XS and one day I was so sick of this talk I put of my pants and told her to try to wear my pants. She took them on and they just slippeds down her legs because there was nothing on her hips that could hold a size M pant. At that moment she started to believe me that her brain is playing games with her.
What helped here: taking down all full size mirrors, we just have ones that show the face in bathroom. Blind weighing at GP so she does not know her weight. Not discussing size and weight at all. You cannot win this discussion.

"When God created us He gave us all a free will and we were to use that will wisely. You want Him to make you better without having to do any work whatsoever. "

She cannot help herself with that and she has no free will at the moment because it is occupied by AN. This is like a demon in religious speech. She feels lost by God. She feels not guilty for having this disease and she is not. It is a genetic disease and she cannot WANT to get better because her brain is malnurished and not working normal. Compare it with a person with diabetes and low blood sugar. He will not get better by wanting it and he will die if you do not give him a piece of sugar. Same here. Food is her medicine and the only way out is to get the food in, no matter how.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mamaroo
While waiting for our appointments at the hospital, we would page through an optical illusions book - it showed d that her eyes and mind are playing tricks on us. There are also plenty of optical illusion videos on youtube. Can you get her some book, or show her some videos?

"This is when she gets really upset with me and tells me that "I have been to all kinds of Drs., counselors, in hospital help, out hospital help, DBT, CBT, medications etc. what else do you expect me to say Mom when I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing works.""

It is really hard if your d feels that she has done her part and that she is not getting any better. But we should have faith and never loose hope. Faith and hope let us seek other, better options to get better. I know the University of San Diego has a very good program (which is only a week long, I think). Here is the link:
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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monalisa
Good Evening Mamaroo:
Thank you for your support and input. I WILL certainly look into your suggestions for sure. 
Yes, it is really difficult when no matter what I suggest or say or do with or for her she is of the belief that at this stage of her life, NOTHING is going to work. In having said that:

I have looked into EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) here in Ontario Canada. I don't know if anyone here has had any experience with this type of therapy. Apparently, it works really well with PTSD patients. I believe my D suffers from some kind of trauma from her childhood. She carries a huge sense of rejection on her shoulders from her father. It didn't matter that I NEVER put the man down, called him out of his name, ALWAYS encouraged her to contact him etc. he couldn't talk to her without bringing my name into ALL conversations and blaming me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage.  I was controlling as well with her when she was younger and I am sure that didn't help. She probably harbors resentment toward me also. I have told her time and time again that it was perfectly ok for her to talk to her counselor about how she feels with regards to my control when she was younger. I have no problem whatsoever. She said she will. She says she doesn't want to hurt my feelings though. I told her that my feelings won't be hurt but that she can benefit from this tremendously. I hope she does.

She actually called the counseling service today to inquire about when she can start. I told her that I was so proud of her for taking that step. 
I have noticed that since I have changed a lot in my attitude and been getting counseling for myself coupled with AWARENESS, she too seems to be changing a wee bit. Right now that is PHENOMENAL.
 Goodnight from Canada
God Bless xo
Monalisa
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Mamaroo
Hi Monalisa

I'm glad your d is reaching out for some treatment again. It is difficult when they grow up under difficult circumstances, but I think you have to look very hard to find anyone who didn't grow up without some problems. It is important for your d to realise that her past in not defining her future. I hear a very good analogy about that: when you drive in a car the front windscreen lets you see where you are going (the future) and the rear view mirror lets you see where you were (the past). If you continually look at the rear view mirror you can't see where you are going and might get off course or even in an accident. That is why the rear view mirror is much smaller than the front windscreen, so that we can focus our attention to what is in front of us and not what has happened to us.    

It is old school thinking to attribute ED to the way you raised her. There are plenty of parents who were controlling, whose children did not get sick and a lot of hands off parents who children became ill. Here is a blog by Julie O'Toole:
https://www.kartiniclinic.com/blog/post/do-parents-cause-eating-disorders/

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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monalisa
Good Evening Mamaroo:
Thank you for your support and input. I WILL certainly look into your suggestions for sure. 
Yes, it is really difficult when no matter what I suggest or say or do with or for her she is of the belief that at this stage of her life, NOTHING is going to work. In having said that:

I have looked into EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) here in Ontario Canada. I don't know if anyone here has had any experience with this type of therapy. Apparently, it works really well with PTSD patients. I believe my D suffers from some kind of trauma from her childhood. She carries a huge sense of rejection on her shoulders from her father. It didn't matter that I NEVER put the man down, called him out of his name, ALWAYS encouraged her to contact him etc. he couldn't talk to her without bringing my name into ALL conversations and blaming me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in our marriage.  I was controlling as well with her when she was younger and I am sure that didn't help. She probably harbors resentment toward me also. I have told her time and time again that it was perfectly ok for her to talk to her counselor about how she feels with regards to my control when she was younger. I have no problem whatsoever. She said she will. She says she doesn't want to hurt my feelings though. I told her that my feelings won't be hurt but that she can benefit from this tremendously. I hope she does.

She actually called the counseling service today to inquire about when she can start. I told her that I was so proud of her for taking that step. 
I have noticed that since I have changed a lot in my attitude and been getting counseling for myself coupled with AWARENESS, she too seems to be changing a wee bit. Right now that is PHENOMENAL.
 Goodnight from Canada
God Bless xo
Monalisa
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monalisa
Good Afternoon All:
 I talked to my daughter this afternoon and asked her if she wouldn't mind emailing me her thoughts and feelings on why she feels there is no hope for her ever getting better of this disease and here is her reply: Her own words.

Hi, momma...here's what I think:
 
I do not have faith in ED treatment.  I have been in some kind of treatment since this started nearly 20 years ago, and somehow, I am no better off now than I was when it started.  I am definitely different - I am not denying that.  Things have changed.  My ED has changed.  Regardless, I am still sick.  I have tried CBT, DBT, inpatient, and outpatient.  I have gone to people who specialize in eating disorders and people who do not.  I have lost hope.  It does not make sense to me to try something that has, historically, been a failure.  I am willing to try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) because it is a brand new method.  And even that is not really meant for EDs...it's trauma treatment.  So we'll see how it goes.  Long story short, why would I put effort into something that has failed me in the past?  You wouldn't try to unlock a door with the wrong key more than once.  I am certainly pessimistic, I admit to that, but I think I come by it honestly.  
 
The other factor is my willingness to participate.  I do not see a point in going to an ED specialist if I am given tasks that I am not willing to attempt.  Right now, I do not have hope and not having hope makes it nearly impossible to believe that trying anything is going to get me anywhere.  So why waste people's time?  I'm sorry that this is so negative...I'm just being honest.  I read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result; that's where I am right now.  I expect failure, therefore there is no purpose in trying.
 
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING MOMMA


Monalisa
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scaredmom
Hi Monalisa,
Here is a thread about EMDR. I did some EMDR for my PTSD symptoms with the re-feeding process about one year after my D's diagnosis. It can be a useful tool for us parents too, if needed.I hope there is something here that may help your D or you.

http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/thought-on-emdr-therapy-eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing-for-eating-disorders-8038678?highlight=emdr&pid=1292426911#gsc.tab=0

XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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monalisa
Hi, scaredmom:

Thank you for the thread. I will pass it on to my D, as well I will check it out.

Canada
Monalisa
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Mamaroo
From what I've read in your first post it seemed that the program in Ontario worked. It managed to get her to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.  That is progress, that is not a failure like your d thought it was. The only problem is that it was only 10 weeks long and that it not long enough to form new habits. Habits can take as long as 8 months to form, that is 35 weeks. Your d was not able to form the habit of eating 5 times a day in only 10 weeks. My d took 8 months of incentives before she was able to eat without bring rewarded after every meal. 

Ideally you should've been directly involved in her treatment at Ontario so that you could do what the treatment team did at home. Your d does respond to treatment, unlike what she wants to believe. The treatment was just stopped too soon. I don't know the ED treatment centres where you live, maybe others can give suggestions of places where more family involvement is part of the treatment. In the meantime I'll see if I can find a FBT centre for adults and post later.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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