F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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You don't have to respond to this post - I just need someplace to write it. I'm sad today and hopeless. I know it won't last and I'll pick myself up by the bootstraps tomorrow and keep going, but tonight, I'm just sad. I'm sad that my D is sick with so many things and not only am I fighting that but I'm fighting her. I feel after three years, we've made little progress mentally. She is weight restored - yes - but her mental health is poor. She's just barely stable, but everyday I hold my breath and wonder what it will be like. She's not suicidal at this time, but she's not happy either. She's indifferent, I guess.

She's being taught DBT but I don't think she believes it will really help, and I don't see her putting in any effort into it at all. She doing it because we make her. Basically, we are giving her as many resources as we can, and she is not engaging with any of them. Now she wants to be a vegan - good God. It's crazy. Obviously no.

I was reading Dr. Ravin's blog and she talks about some kids taking three years or so to get better. I'm like, yea - we are at three years and making little to no progress. This treading water is hard. Tonight I looked at her grades. This straight A child who was so driven as an 8th grader is barely getting Cs and does not care at all. It's the not caring that stresses me out. It's not who she was, and it's clear that she has just kind of given up. My husband and i have never been performance driven (we never had to be because she was so self-driven) so please don't read this as that. I guess I'm just mourning the life that I thought she would have. I know we all do that. Tonight I'm having my pity party about it. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.

I just doubt myself. I doubt that things will get better. I worry. I cry. I don't want to watch this anymore. Sorry - I know others are battling for their child's very life and would trade places in a heartbeat to have things be somewhat stable. I know that. Please know that I do know that. Thanks for listening.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
Such a long, hard journey.  But please remember you're not alone - we're with you in spirit. For the good, the bad, the ugly ... and the so so sad nights.

Hang in there. You're one awesome warrior mom - your d is lucky to have you. xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Isn't it sad though?  You saw that child so full of potential, and now...  I think you well deserve a good cry.  It's sad, sad, sad.

Tomorrow is a good time to dust yourself off and reflect that physical health is a good thing, worthy of being celebrated.  And that contentment might be a 'good enough' standard for your girl.

Keep loving her (I know you will) and stay open to the possibility of improvement.
Colleen in the great Pacific Northwest, USA

"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease."
Alexander Pope, 1688-1744
I will join you in your sorrow. We have not been at this nearly as long but had the unfortunate experience of discovering last Thursday a.m. that our daughter had shredded her arms, thighs and stomach with a blade from a pencil sharpener. We thought we had been doing a bit better and had begun dbt treatment. We took her back to er and she is currently hospitalized. I had a preschool graduation ceremony to oversee the next day which I did attend as my daughter was being assessed so we couldn't see her anyway. As we showed the video of the 46 little peanuts who will head off to kindergarten in the fall my heart just ached for that time back. I know we have a long road ahead of us and feel grateful there is a place to come vent so that I can be strong for my daughter as well as her brothers who are very supportive bur frightened. Godspeed to you and your family.....
Hi ihaterdwithapassion, it's ok to feel sad and of course some days are worse. Remember even if we never have sickness or upset in the family we have bad days and with ed in the mix it makes theses bad days awful . Remember you have done really well to get your d to this stage. and to be weight restored.
My d is sick just over two years , I compare it to a grieving process in the family but I am hopeful and will never give up hope of recovery I also have days when I doubt but I have to keep hope . Healing of brain takes a long time.
Do you know anyone who does self compassionate Theraphy my d started with a new therapist in January and she does this with her it's the first thing she is finding helpful and uses her technique s sometimes and they help.
Hope you feeling better today do something for yourself it's the most important thing in this long journey, a coffee with a friend , a walk by the sea or in the woods playing nice music or whatever you find best.
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
Hi IHEWP, We are in a similar boat. My daughter does not have too many issues with eating but her mood is all over the place. Her days range from ok (not suicidal), suicidal and happy. I'm thinking of a mood stabilizer for her and will keep updated how it goes. Have you tried any med for your d?

I think it takes time to engage with skills. Mine felt therapy was useless but later realized that the skills she learnt helps her fight ED. Just keep taking her to therapy and I'm sure she will start using the skills. She not being suicidal, I think, is huge. Mine was a great student and a varsity tennis player and had so much going for her - very intelligent, stable girl and we used to be so so proud of her. Now she's so far from all of that and I understand how you feel - it's not just the ED; she has made poor decisions, bad friends and it feels like we are battling a different thing every few days.  The thing is she mourns "what could have been" too and that adds to her depression.

- braveMom
Thank you to you all. I am better today. Although your kind posts certainly brought tears. Thanks for listening and taking the time to write me a note of encouragement. That is the blessing of this site - when some of us are worn out and down, there's always others of us who are feeling strong and positive and can carry us through the valley. I can do anything who Christ who gives me strength. I've got that on repeat today. I hope I can be a sweet voice to you all when you need it.


19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.