F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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tanjilmum
I haven't been on for a while as we have been out of the trenches (2011) but by no means out of the battle.  To make long story short our D went off to university soon after being out of anorexia's clutches, able to eat independently, much quieter thoughts etc.  She lived independently approx. 2 hours from our home.  Lasted 4 months and thoughts overwhelmed her.  This was April, 2013.  She came home and did uni via on-line or us driving her there.  She stayed home for 3 months, regained all weight plus 2 kilos more.  Mentally good.  So we transitioned back to university - 3 days home, 4 days at uni. This happened for a month and then she went back full time.  That is the short story.
She had turned 19, wanted to prove she could do it "on her own".
Her ED pysch went on maternity leave and she felt she didn't need someone anymore so we agreed to let her have full independence with the proviso that she also use all resources available to her if she felt she was going downhill again (i.e. new ED pysch, university mental health, parents etc)

Since then she has painfully slowly dropped weight, down, down, down - over a 15 month period to being at a lower weight than when she first went to uni.

She has now turned 20, has suffered pre-existing depression and loves her life in city.  Just can't seem to make the connect between needing to maintain weight (despite saying she hates the fact she is so thin again) and actually DOING it.

My husband and I don't want to bring her home as we know her mental state would suffer as would ours and her brothers!.  HOWEVER we need to do something.  Our thoughts are insisting she hook back in with an ED coach/psychologist and get coached and if that isn't working then to tell her that we wont be paying for her university accommodation (with a deadline given).  On the basis that if she wants full independence then that includes paying her own way.

We are really feeling confused, in despair.  What are everyones thoughts.  Please don't feel the need to be gentle!  We've been yelled at by Anorexia - we're pretty robust!

What have others done to help independent living when their young adult only seems to want to be at a level that is not bad enough for drastic action but not healthy either.......




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Daughter 20-hospitalised Feb,20, 2012, re-lapse April, 2013, re-feed 2nd time, May 2013, sliding backwards again       
Daughter 20-hospitalised Feb,20, 2012, re-lapse April, 2013, re-feed 2nd time, May 2013, sliding backwards again
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Foodsupport_AUS
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My husband and I don't want to bring her home as we know her mental state would suffer as would ours and her brothers!.  HOWEVER we need to do something.  Our thoughts are insisting she hook back in with an ED coach/psychologist and get coached and if that isn't working then to tell her that we wont be paying for her university accommodation (with a deadline given).  On the basis that if she wants full independence then that includes paying her own way.


Having thought some more about this, I think it is good planning. Do you think doing a wellness contract would help with this? Spelling out exactly what are your expectations and responsibilities, and what are hers. The tough part about being in Australia is going to be finding someone who you feel knows ED's well and will offer her guidance that you feel confident with. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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tanjilmum
Thank you.  Also on reflection and after reading Sarah Ravin blog on insight etc I think a wellness contract spelling out expectations would be a great idea.  Tend to focus on the down side but the up side is that she has managed to have a happy life, finished a full year of university with distinctions (although that would probably happen regardless as quite OCD about studies!), has a lovely boyfriend who is very supportive and generally her mood is positive.
So she has managed her life but what is not acceptable is the slow decline in weight (which cannot obviously be sustained)
So soon out of the clutches of AN it is probably not a complete disaster.
So we are going to drive to Melb today and talk about a wellness plan.  We have been recommended a good ED specialist by our prior specialist who is on maternity leave and D has an apt with her in January.
Unfortuntunately talking with her can go either way - it will be very civil and adult and we will have a plan or it will be a rant and rave and "I can do this by myself".
Stay tuned!

THANK YOU FS Aus
Daughter 20-hospitalised Feb,20, 2012, re-lapse April, 2013, re-feed 2nd time, May 2013, sliding backwards again
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