F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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UKMom

Dear friends, 

Having been in strong recovery for 3 years now, there is still tremendous tension between my former AN daughter and her sister.  For those who have already been in the trenches and seen hope and recovery, there are still residual challenges, that I, currently, am unclear on how to move forward.

The background (as I have not been on in quite some time) is eldest D was dx with RAN in May 2011; took approach of 'life stops until you eat'... that took just over a year, bite by bite and proud to say there is recovery.... but....

I still see rigidity, a 'meanness' towards her sister, which has been ongoing for many years.  Of course, I had PTSD and only this summer finally had appropriate help for myself.  There is this dreadful animosity between my two daughters that simply makes no sense.  It goes beyond just the usual sibling rivalry, rift and arguments.  

Youngest, non ED daughter lived through hell with this and eldest AN daughter is in recovery for 3 years now but just chose to become vegetarian.  She picks and chooses who she will be vegetarian with (ie, not her father as, she claims, is very derogatory towards 'vegetarians'.) So, I allow her to be vegetarian in my home but she won't with her Dad.  

Anyway, long story short, I still feel there is something there; I know we need family therapy but can't manage to get two teen daughters to agree.  There are huge arguments between them; a disconnect I am unable to effectively deal with.  

Any thoughts or similar experience would be greatly received.  This has been ongoing since pre AN and I can no longer see the forest for the trees.  

signing off as completely perplexed. x

Our mantra: "Life Stops until you Eat!".  Full recovery is possible; step by step; bite by bite. (D diagnosed at age 15, full w/r obtained one year later, maintained and in full recovery since May 2012)
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Sotired
This may sound like a weird solution,but what about boarding school for none ed d?we sent our middle one for a year and it was a really good learning experience for her.then when she came back,she had grown up a bit,my ed d had had some space for her many problems and they actually get on better.or an exchange programme maybe?the truth is though,you can't make people get on,you can force them to be civil by removing privileges but if they didn't get on that well before,they won't now.i don't with my sisters,I rely on my friends instead.
When ed is in the house there are wounds that are done that might heal well with some therapy,but equally you could just listen to each side and present an option on how to deal with it.or the parental option where you point out that they live with you by your grace at this point,so they can pull their damn heads in and be polite to each other,is that too much to ask?otherwise they are welcome to find out what it's like in the real world cause you could do with the peace!(but you know...this might just be my own frustration speaking....)
So those are my solutions.the final one is a family contract where courtesy and civility are an expectation. But this needs an enforceable consequence-phones taken or car keys confiscated if rules are broken.
Hope this helps?my apologies if not,
Sotired42
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UKMom
Thank you Sotired and this is exactly the type of guidance I was looking for.  Both are at University but the rift between them during ED years runs deep now.  

Contract is the route I will take as we have considerable leverage over the post ED daughter.

Again, thank you so very much. 
x
Our mantra: "Life Stops until you Eat!".  Full recovery is possible; step by step; bite by bite. (D diagnosed at age 15, full w/r obtained one year later, maintained and in full recovery since May 2012)
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Colleen
UKMom, can you clarify which d has decided to become vegetarian?
Colleen in the great Pacific Northwest, USA

"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease."
Alexander Pope, 1688-1744
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UKMom

Unfortunately the ED daughter (but has been in strong recovery for 3 years).  Difficulty is the bullying and I think there is residual ED related issues.  I am too close to it to work it out.  She is an amazing young lady but has been a terrible bully to her sister for years now.  

I am approaching her this PM re a family contract of civil behaviour.  I fear she will potentially explode.

Our mantra: "Life Stops until you Eat!".  Full recovery is possible; step by step; bite by bite. (D diagnosed at age 15, full w/r obtained one year later, maintained and in full recovery since May 2012)
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Sotired
I'm glad something I suggested helped you.it sounds like you are a bit afraid of your d to my mind.remember to go in strong.it is your house,home,refuge.no bullying can be tolerated in a refuge.your other d needs to feel safe as well.as you are 3 years past recovery at this point I would have no fear in saying to your an d that there will be no explosions of anger when faced with this contract.there will be no bullying behaviours tolerated any more in any way.that your home is a place of peace for everyone.she can live with you if willing to abide by that rule or you will help her find a place of her own this very day.make it very clear that bullying will not happen anymore.go in strong,believe fully in your message,have the name of alternative accomodation ready to go,should you need it.good luck,
Sotired42
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