F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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MelP
Title says it all, really.

Good thing was D came and told me. She is 23 and is quite insightful when it comes to her ED. She knows what has triggered this relapse, and came to ask me for help. Only 1kg lost so we caught it early, thankfully. She is terrified, as am I. Neither of us want to do this again.
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deenl
Mel,

I am new here and with a much younger child.

I think it's great that she came to you, you must be a great mother. It's also very positive that she wants help.

Maybe a contract along the lines that BattyMatty did with her son but personalised for your daughter's situation and motivations might be useful at this age? Just search for her posts to find a link.

Wishing you, your daughter and the rest of your family & friends lots of strength.
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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peony
Sorry to read this.  How brave of your D to admit she is relapsing and ask for your help.  There is clearly a lot of trust there.  You can do this together, but sorry you have to.  I hate ED's.  xxxxx
Peony
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K63
Hi MEIP, well done to you and your d that she can come to tell you this . It's good that ye have this in hand in very early stages. You can get her back on track again. It's such a horrible illness.
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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OneToughMomma
I'm so sorry, MelP,

It's not fair.  However, you both already know what 'well' looks like.  I have faith in you.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Torie
Ugh. So sorry you and your d have to face the monster down again. But also amazed and impressed that your d let you know so early in the process - surely that bodes well for the outcome.

Hang in there. You can do this (but sorry you have to).

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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MelP
Thanks so much for the lovely replies. How I wish I had found this forum 5 years ago!

Yes, we are very fortunate we caught this early. My D was just accepted into a PhD program with a full scholarship, which is a huge milestone and a dream come true for her, so she came to me as she knows what's at stake if she relapses. I prepared all her meals today, and she promised me she'd eat her snacks and lunch at uni. Her lab friends knows about her history with ED so I know they look out for her. I'll be monitoring her weight for the next few weeks. Hoping this is just a blip and we don't see any more weight loss.
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deenl
Just a thought; can you agree with your daughter that you talk with the friends in order to provide the loophole free supports that she needs throughout the day? It might make it easier for her to know there is no wriggle room.

Wishing you all progress and success.
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Torie
Good thought, deenl. I wouldn't suggest this with the younger set, but for a whole year, D had one of her friends send me a text message to let me know what she had and had not eaten at lunch. Just knowing that the reports were coming was enough to ensure she ate all her meals. Of course, not everyone would embrace this approach, but it worked out really well for us.

Sounds like there is much cause for optimism for your d. Keep up the good work!

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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deenl
Good point, Torie.

It definitely does depend on the circumstances. I, for example, would rarely expect by other 2 sons (15 and 9) to report on their brother. That's a job for parents. I also do not want to damage the very healthy brotherly relationships they have. (Although, I did break that rule with the 15 y/o when no other option, but I clearly stated he was not responsible for his brother and I do it very rarely and with great reluctance)

Cheers,
D


2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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MelP
Thanks for the suggestion, deenl. I talked to my D about it and she asked me to give her a chance before we do that. I told her we'll see how her weight goes next week and then go from there. I know she doesn't want to involve her lab friends as she really appreciates them treating her normally.
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deenl
Seems like a great compromise. Somewhere to feel normal feels soooo good but just remember health comes first. And keep searching for ways that work for her. 

Best wishes,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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K63
Hi MEIP, this sounds like a good plan your d is lucky to have you as her mom and is a great girl to have accomplished so much herself too with your support. My d is almost 19 we are too years into this journey I am not sure I would be able to keep on it and still be so supportative in 3 year time. Well done .
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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mjkz
So sorry but it sounds like your daughter has good insight into what is happening and asking for help.  That blows my mind.  Mine has struggled for more years than I care to count and she still doesn't realize when she is in trouble.
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MelP
Hi mjkz,

You're right, my D has very good insight into her ED. She knows the 'warning' behaviors that signal she's struggling and will usually ask for help as she realizes that she cannot keep up with her work and study unless she is feeding herself properly. She also studied psychology at university, and has just started a PhD in psychology, so I think that has possibly contributed to her understanding of her own ED, although she isn't studying any clinical psychology. She is studying behavioral psychology, so I think she has a good understanding of her own ED behaviors and their causes and consequences.

We've also given her a lot of independence in recovery (as much as we could) so I think that also helped her with insight. It doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for my D as she's always been very independent.

Mel
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