F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

PurpleRain
The funny thing is I love roller costers, the real ones I mean. We actually went to the attractions park yesterday and had a lot of fun. But the emotional roller coster of ED, that one I really hate. the last 3 days have been up and down, up and down. My d has been mostly her self, laughing, joking with her  little brother, being silly, I shared about our gold star moment in the correponding thread, but then that same day I was looking at her conversations on her mobile (I actually just lend her one for when she needs it, for example when she was going by herself  to her summer course) and I had a funny feeling about this guy in his theater course chat. She was chating separately with him, and it could have been just a teen crush or something but my spidy sense was tingling, so i kept checking and noticed that she was erasing most of the conversations but I caught one of his answers before her. He wrote something like: you are the only person I can talk about this things. Again it could have been innocent flirting but I was not convinced, so I lend her the phone again and kept checking, and this morning , she had again erased everything but he answered while I had the phone : for f.. sake (name of my d) I hadn´t had any suicidal thoughts in a long time! 
OMG what is she telling him? they are triggering each other! I do not know this kid (I mean I have seen him a couple of times but he is just a kid in the summer course that lasted 4 weeks, I do not know his parents or anythinng about him really, not even his last name). She seems so normal and in a good mood most of the time and suddenly this! I don’t get it!! She has not asked for the phone again. I talked to my h and he is going to talk to her, he has an older son and has more experience with adolescents, I am usually good at talking to her but this time I need him to do the talking. I do not know iwhat to do, let her have the phone again, on the condition that she cannot erase things (my h found something online that lets you check erased messages or something), or just keep checking randomly or not let her have the phone. 
I´m sorry for the long ramble I needed to unload. My h sounded on top of things  so I let you know how it goes. 
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
Quote
Enn
Yes that would have been shocking for sure! I am glad your H can handle this and hope it goes well. 
We did check our d's phone texts regularly and still do. It is so hard with snapchat too, these conversations "disappear" so we don't see the evidence. All of this add another layer to parenting a kid with ed! So exasperating!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
PurpleRain
how old is your D? sorry I can´t rememeber right now. Does she accept it or is hard for you to check?  my d gets upset but so far it hasn´t been too bad, to be honest, I am worried that it will get worse the more i do it, not better.  she gets exasperated that I don´t let her be. And she is not going back to school for a while (loooong story and not ED related although i think is for the best for now) so I don´t want to isolate her (she of course thinks that is exactly what i want to do).
OMG it is soooo harddd
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
Quote
Enn
My was 11 almost 12 at diagnosis, she is now 14. She got her first phone when she turned 12 one month into the diagnosis of ED. IT was the one thing she really wanted. I was aware to watch her phone and look for unfavourable sites etc. My D did get into some trouble by texting some not very nice things to some other girls, I only found out when a mother showed me! It was so embarrassing and awful. But it was a good teachable moment for all of us. We sat d down and said that we will take the phone for a full week- no negotiations and that we will check the phone anytime we wanted. Her password was to be given to us and if she changed it, we took the phone away. We never had to do that again. She has been compliant and just hands the phone over when we ask. She was told that the truth is, it is our job to ensure her online/phone safety and that we take it seriously. No compliance= no phone. We did have a plan to escalate consequences for issues with her behaviour if needed. 
We found that the more routine it was, she gave up the protestations. I just say matter of fact: " I need your phone now, thank you" and she hands it over. She rarely complains now. It is just what we do as parents and that is that. Its works for us... at the moment. IF she needs more rules and regulations, I am ready to push them. It is part of parenting, like everything else we do. It is not easy, I know but that is what we found we needed to do. 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
PurpleRain
Oh yes I remember reading something about it in some other thread! Thanks so much for sharing. I will try to be matter of fact about it. I was really upset, annoyed, scared, exhausted and numb at the same time if that makes any sense! I'm feeling a bit better now. It great to be able to come here and share the process. No one else truly gets it.
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
Quote
PurpleRain
Oh yes I remember reading something about it in some other thread! Thanks so much for sharing. I will try to be matter of fact about it. I was really upset, annoyed, scared, exhausted and numb at the same time if that makes any sense! I'm feeling a bit better now. It great to be able to come here and share the process. No one else truly gets it.
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
Quote
Foodsupport_AUS
I think the really concerning thing is that she is trying to delete conversations. This suggests there is something going on which she is trying to hide, and she knows that you will be upset about. At 13, it is reasonable to have those clear boundaries for social media use etc.. She is in early recovery and is very vulnerable so that higher level of vigilance is justified. 
At the same time I get the impression that she does not know you are checking her posts at the moment? It sounds like there may be a case for laying down some clear rules, boundaries and expectations without current consequences if she has not been breaking rules so far - but going forward...
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Quote
WeRnotdone
I have had a week similar to this. My daughter is 17 we are in year 2 of AN. She is still refeeding but is doing much better now mentally.
  3 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend she met him at 16. They were both a first relationship,  both shy awkward, they had time by themselves. Well after about 3 months of dating she relapsed. Was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I thought stupidly they were keeping things more on the friendly side and had talked to my daughter about doing this. But the beginning of the year she was not herself mentally, overexercising, depressed, felt numb, full of angry ED.
  She had been implying things and anyway I found out they were having a sexual relationship.
   I realized I can’t talk about this specific stuff with her. I know this stuff is normal for many teens however when it was happening I know she was not mentally there.
   I have had horrible guilt feeling like I should have protected her from herself. Her therapist tried to make me feel better by saying I had no control over it, which is true. She can make her own decisions she told me. I had to make clear I am not trying to control her but protect her.  More guilt about that I am trying to let go off. I just hate this illness. I know teenagers do stupid things and make mistakes but I would have felt better if she would have been better mentally. Parenting a teenager with an ED is so much harder.
D Diagnosed with AN age 15 around 9/2017. First regression close to WW wanting to eat healthier. 2nd regression started self harm with inpatient stay for suicidal thoughts. 18 now and fighting to get out of 3rd down slide.
Quote
PurpleRain
Thanks for your reply foodsupport, indeed what worries me is that she deletes stuff. She knows I can check the phone at any point, in fact it was really clear that it's not really her phone im just lend it  to her in specific situations. Actually what I want to tell her is that by deleting conversations she is showing me that she is not ready to have her own phone since I cannot trust her with it. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, we have had a really good  summer brake and I'm pretty sure that she will have meltdown, but it must be done, I'm glad my husband is in the same page and we'll do this as a team. Sigh I was not looking forward to the teen years even before ED. 
If anyone has more ideas or similar experiences please share, it's so helpful.
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
Quote

        

WTadmin