F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Resolute_Dad
Not sure who is still around from 6 years ago when we were active on this forum - hopefully no one for the reasons we are back...

So our D is now about to turn 24. Her ED, to the best of our knowledge, has been inactive for several years. We (somewhat successfully) weight restored her using FBT when she was 17-18. The last few years, D has been struggling with alcohol and drug addiction - she is now 8 months sober and clean (16 months if you ignore one slip),working and effectively supporting herself, making plans to go back to school online and finish college, etc. All good and our relationship with her is the best it has ever been.

Tonight, out of the blue, she texts us that she has been purging a bit (4-5 times in the last week) and wants to see a dietitian/therapist so it doesn’t get out of hand. After gently pointing out that you can’t purge “a bit” safely and that this is dangerous, we told her we would try to find resources for her. Obviously, this is a different exercise for us at the age of 24 than it was at 17...

Any outpatient therapists/dietitions people can recommend in Palm Beach County?

Trying hard to stay on the beach and not kick myself for having hope...

RD
Dad to 24 yr old D - recent relapse but relieved that she reached out for help.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Welcome back RD though sorry that you needed to come back. I am still hanging around here. My D is mostly recovered but there is still some ED hanging around. I agree with you that you can't just purge a bit safely. On the positive side she reached out to you and told you she needed help. That is a huge thing for her to do. 

As for who to see, I can't really help you, just a bit to far away in Oz.


D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Kali

Dear RD, 

Sorry you find yourself back here but hopefully your daughter can get back on track.

There is a therapist in Coral Gables, Fl. named Dr. Sarah Ravin, who some parents here have spoken highly of. I read her blog every now and then and find it interesting and informative. If she is too far away for your daughter to consider, perhaps your daughter could phone her and see if she can recommend a colleague located closer? 

http://www.blog.drsarahravin.com/

warmly,

Kali

Food=Love
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Resolute_Dad
Thank so much - already emailed Dr Ravin - it’s about a 90 minute drive for her. Might work to have her see her in person once a month or so and Skype in between. Will see what she says. Thanks for the rec...
Dad to 24 yr old D - recent relapse but relieved that she reached out for help.
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OneToughMomma
Hi, R_D,

I remember you, and am sorry you are back.  It is really great that d has reached out, and is willing to seek help.

Keep us posted, and let us know how you are doing.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Nicstar4
I think tabaitha farrar does Skype support for adults Shri is an eating disorder recovery coach? Might be worth a look as an addition to therapy.She is based in UK but maybe there is some option for information and support.
It seems like a good sign that she is reaching out for support.
Good luck!
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Resolute_Dad
Oh OneToughMama - a familiar face/name!! Feels like whack a mole again - in recovery for the addiction so ED pops up again. So complicated. She seems so rational and logical about (finally) building a productive life for herself. She has survived so many setbacks. She has even conquered her most fearsome fear food - cheese - since she works in a pizzeria. Now this??

Dad to 24 yr old D - recent relapse but relieved that she reached out for help.
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear Resolute_Dad,

So glad she reached out. Relapse is not unusual. I wonder whether she would gain from the UCSD or CBL five day intensive TBT-S (formerly NEW FED TR) program?

Eating Disorders Families Australia is bringing them out to Australia and as EDFA project manager I have been talking to those teams a lot I also spent one day of the 5 day at CBL there might be an opportunity for a whole reset for your D
ED Dad
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Blue_Lagoon
Hi Resolute dad,

sorry to hear your daughter has relapsed.

I am pretty much in the same situation.  I live in Florida.

I am looking for help for MYSELF in this forum.

My excessive tendency to want to fix, manage and control her program with ED, feels like an addiction to me .  Like I feel unsafe or fearful when I am not in control.

So I have a problem too.  We are both affected by the ED. not just her.

I read some posts from 2013 (how to stop the purging) and read about how parents were using draconian measures:  locking bathroom doors; D must ask permission to flush toilets; d cannot have any privacy;  all food is tightly controlled.

Is this really an effective behavior on the part of the family?  Does this really work, or does it make the D have more anger, more resentment, more powerlessless and more anxiety?

I am hoping there is a better way for parents to address the ED.  Especially to protect the happiness and peace of mind of the Parents.  The parents did not invite this disease.  But now that it is here, what are the healthiest strategies for dealing with an ED?

I don't think (intuitively) that excessive, obsessive control is the answer.

I think there may be better behaviors, that make the D feel safe and free and cared for.
Not enslaved.

One suggestion I discovered was to ask the D what kind of food she wants to eat during the week and to let her choose.  That way, if she puts healthy food in her body, she won't want to purge it out.

I asked my daughter this and she gave me an outstanding list.  Pita sandwiches with grilled chicken, garlic hummos, lettuce, cucumber, olives and red onion.  This was her choice.  I think it sounds pretty healthy and I can only pray she won't want to purge it.

Any other supportive tools or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

This is my first posting on this forum.

Love and hugs to all those parents who are still suffering because of the ED. disease. 

Blue_Lagoon in Florida
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melstevUK
Resolute_Dad,

Welcome back and sorry you have had to return.  But if you look at the positives, there are many and I would view this latest setback as all part of the maturing process and finally getting to grips with what she needs to do to stay well.  The fact that d has reached out to you is brilliant - and you need to compliment or thank her for that and tell her that this is a big achievement. 

YOu absolutely need to have hope and that hope is justified - I am wondering what d's weight is and if she is restricting again.  The purging is likely to have followed a binge or over-eating so maybe a reminder that she must not keep herself hungry.  Could you meet up and discuss what her eating habits are right now and see if there are any changes she would benefit from making?  It is such a huge achievement to manage to eat cheese and it is also wonderful that she is making plans for her future.

My d did not achieve a really consolidated and strong recovery until the last 18 months when she has been 25 and 26.  At 24 she very nearly achieved recovery, hit the highest weight ever but then found it hard to tolerate and spiralled right down again.  I was livid with her and told her that she had thrown away her recovery deliberately - but then reframed everything, used a 'motivational interviewing' technique of looking at the positives and said 'Well at least the next time you will know what it feels like to carry the right amount of weight, and you can prepare for that feeling and stick with it'.  Which in fact she did.

If d admits still to having issues around weight and is being held back by this - I would start using the argument that being thin is not going to earn her a living and that it is time to stop worrying about it.  I told my d that a lot - she was not a model and being paid for what she looks like so why care that much about it any more?  The illness certainly feeds right into teenage values of thinness that are easier to leave behind once they are into their twenties.

Remind d on how far she has come, and that after each difficulty, and as she gets more involved and interested in what she is doing, she will be able to leave the illness behind.  But with any mental health issues, keeping a structure around the day is always going to be helpful, and she maybe needs to keep that structure around eating for quite a while to come.  

Stay positive and express hope for her - it is easy to 'catastrophize' things and she will probably be hating herself already and seeing this as weakness, and really needs you to be pragmatic and encouraging in your response to keep her reassured and confident and able to move forward as before.

Your d is only about to turn 24 - so those major changes which the brain has to go through are still not complete until the mid twenties (in particular development of the frontal lobes which are involved with planning for the future and decision-making) but she is at least seeing the consequences of spiralling right down again and now is able to do something about it.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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melstevUK
Mods,

Can someone move Blue_Lagoon's post and start a new thread of her own?  I don't know how to do this myself.

Welcome Blue_Lagoon - I hope we can get you a new thread started so that people can reply to you separately.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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