F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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salmy
Hi again,
The Family meal at our therapy session went well on Monday. of course she ate everything I put in front of her. We are really lucky that we just received a call from Cris Haltom who is the only FBT CEDS in our area for with an opening to at least support us through phase 1. This is a huge relief! 
Some things have come up with refeeding at home vs school that I am thinking about. D says she eats everything we send her to school and that she eats easier there because I am not there to pressure her or to ask her to eat. She is fiercely independent and non compliant (in all areas of her life - naturally) so this makes some sense. I am trying to justify this or figure this out with me being responsible for her food and her eating. I'm trying really hard to not stare at her out of the corner of my eye while she eats dinner, but of course I notice if she has stopped eating or if she is playing with her food and tell her to keep going. No one at school is going to pressure her to eat or require her to eat the way that he family will. She is finally making gains (albeit .6 lb) but it is her first gain and only started happening when we hit 3,500 calories going in.

Thoughts?
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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ValentinaGermania
They all say that. They all promise you the blue from heaven to let them eat alone. And they all use that to restrict again.
Do not trust ED. Never. My 2 cents.

"D says she eats everything we send her to school and that she eats easier there because I am not there to pressure her or to ask her to eat."
If that would be true there is no reason why she cannot eat at home as well.
If that would be true she would not be where she is. She had the chance to show that she can eat without pressure before she was diagnosed.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Wow, so many positives!  

Yay for the weight gain!
Yay for eating everything at the therapy session!
Yay for the call from Cris Haltom!

Now this one: "D says she eats everything we send her to school and that she eats easier there because I am not there to pressure her or to ask her to eat" sounds suspiciously like ED talking.  She ate everything at the therapy session, correct?  Including fear food?  I seriously doubt she would eat that fear food if you sent it in to school with her; I bet it was "easier" for her to eat it at the therapy session with all the *extra* pressure and people expecting her to eat.  So, personally, I would ignore that one.

I can only speak for myself, but my (otherwise honest, model citizen) d definitely lied about eating her lunch at school.

"I'm trying really hard to not stare at her out of the corner of my eye while she eats dinner."  We each have to find our own path, of course, but in the Torie household, we had to watch her like a hawk because she could disappear food in the blink of an eye.  I recognize the downside of doing that, but it was not really optional for us.

Keep up the good work! xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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salmy

I am so frustrated by myself because I don’t know why I am indecisive and unsure about it. Maybe it is ED and ED is just insanely convincing; but what if she’s telling the truth? This is happening that I think is atypical OSED that keeps making me question things: she’s coming home after school and feeding herself an additional snack (banana with peanut butter). Why do I feel so bad about taking away her freedom? Why do I suddenly not “know what I know” when it comes to this one piece? Right now I need/want someone else to make the decision. My
decision making muscle needs a break 🤪
We met with her teachers yesterday and there were many offers from teachers for her to eat with them... many of them she already eats with (I know this because I’ve been in contact with these teachers).  I am sending her with a ton of food- if she goes to 3 different eating spots during the day, is it appropriate for her to get to choose what to eat at each of those spots and maybe teachers secretly check off on a google spreadsheet what’s been eaten? Or does it have to be so controlled that there are specific foods for each room? Do we have to fully disclose the whole system to her? 

just more questions!

D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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Scaredmom2019
Not to muddy the waters BUT my D's school (US) would not supervise food intake. The nurse told me they are not ED trained and it is a liability. In the past they have done it and later found out that the kiddo was hiding foods, spitting things in napkins etc...
Make sure the supervisors actually know HOW to supervise...because it is not as simple as just "observing" ( for many ED kiddos).
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MKR
Hi @salmy,

One minute we bring up the child to be honest. The next minute the ED turns them into smugglers. 

You've got the teachers!
You've got dr Haltom to support you through a tough part!
Go @salmy Army!

Time to give your decision making muscle a break.  This is so true, apparently there is a limited number of rational decisions we can make in a day. After that, we start taking shortcuts, like buy too much, give in to nagging etc.

Can you leave the lunch with the school in the morning? Hey, you are not there, right but nothing goes missing from the lunchbox. 

Sounds like the teachers and your daughter enjoy each other's company.  Make sure you let your D know she is valued by them. 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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teecee

Personally we needed a ‘team’ around us....they came from unexpected places. In school they were the Deputy Head, Form Tutor, Librarian and one of two teachers. They all had different roles...the Deputy kept me sane and even rang me one night at about 10pm after a difficult day. The Librarian supervised her lunch and kept in touch to update me without D knowing. The Rest were added layers of support for my D throughout the day. 


I agree entirely with Torie...mine was/is a model citizen but ED makes her throw her morals/values out of the window on occasion. I could never trust ED. 

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ValentinaGermania
salmy wrote:

Why do I feel so bad about taking away her freedom? Why do I suddenly not “know what I know” when it comes to this one piece? Right now I need/want someone else to make the decision. My decision making muscle needs a break 🤪


You feel bad about that because you still think you take away freedom from your d. But in reality you cut freedom for ED.
If you really want someone else to make that decision we can offer to do that for you. 😁 Supervise everything. I do not know one parents that regreted that. But a lot that regreted afterwards that they have not supervised everything...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Aggie
I had an issue with my d where I was concerned as to whether she was eating her lunch in school after a year of supervision and she films herself. She does it on time lapse (whatever that is!) and I see see it every day in about 30 seconds. It gives her independence and me peace of mind, your d could put her phone in her lap so no one sees it x
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