F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Pyohaesoo Show full post »
sandie
Hi just to add. It is really important that your D does not think that she will be at her healthy weight when her period returns. She needs to understand that BEFORE her period returns. I am having very challenging time at present as my D's period returned at bmi 17.something and she does not want to put anymore weight on because the paediatrician told her in December that period returning was best indicator. The return of her period has now really set us back and weight gain minimal since then and meal-plan very chaotic. The paediatrician has expertise and i think this was just a careless simplistic communication in a pressured consultation. It would be really good if you could avoid this problem before it happens. Good luck.
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Pyohaesoo
Noted with thanks! My d is actually usually optimistic and always tries her best for recovery, although she has to fight the ed thoughts really hard. She sometimes does ask me for help but is too fearful to continue gaining weight... 
i can see a little visible weight gain on her and I think it’s a wonderful sign that she is doing well... I’m not too sure whether I’m being too desperate for weight gain and psycho-ing myself into thinking that she is making progress.. but otherwise, I’m happy that she is following through with the meal plan. 
I will also have a talk with her that her period returning does not mean she is fully recovered. Is it true that she is only weight restored when she is mentally restored too?
To add on, I have recently seen my d comparing herself in recent photos to photos when she was at her lowest weight, I assume to body check. I didn’t dare say anything as I was afraid it would trigger her more. However, I think she should stop this behaviour... how do I stop her from doing that
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sk8r31
You may find it helpful to listen to this podcast with FEAST Executive Director Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh interviewing FEAST Advisor Dr. Rebecka Peebles on 'State not Weight'.  It is very insightful and should give you an up-to-date perspective.
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Pyohaesoo
Thank you, I will listen to it. My d has a constant worry that she will never stop gaining weight and it’s difficult for me to convince her otherwise even though I know it is definitely untrue. Are there any useful articles to prove that it will not happen?
is it good to let my d know her target weight or should I keep it from her and just continue doing blind weigh ins? I’ve set my own target weight of bmi (pre ed bmi was 18.5) 20 since the doctors did not specify it.
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tina72
"Is it true that she is only weight restored when she is mentally restored too?"
Yes. This needs a good weight for her special person (not a number from a list) and x months in addition for brain recovery.

"My d has a constant worry that she will never stop gaining weight and it’s difficult for me to convince her otherwise even though I know it is definitely untrue. Are there any useful articles to prove that it will not happen?"
This is an irrational fear and it does not help to show her 1000 articles that it would not happen. Did you watch Evas bunyee jump video on Youtube? If your d would be afraid of an airplane crash and could not set a foot on board it would not help her to show her a lot of articles that planes are the safest public transport. The fear is not realistic and you cannot be rational with it.
Here it helped best just to say "mmh, I see that you are having a hard time at the moment" and then change the subject "have you seen my car key?".
The fear will disappear slowly with weight gain and brain recovery and seeing that she will NOT get fat. She must experience that this will not happen to believe it.

"is it good to let my d know her target weight or should I keep it from her and just continue doing blind weigh ins?"
Definitivly NOT! She should not know any target weight or she will fight you like hell if you need to go higher. You do not know at the moment which weight will be a healthy weight for her. So whatever you tell her it might be the wrong number. Here my d was told a target weight from hospital which was WAY too low (BMI 18,5 which is just not underweight). I had very big problems to get her over that number because of that. Try to avoid that mistake!

I now tell her behavioural components that are signs for recovery. "You are recovered when you can eat relaxed again, have extras, have no fear food any more, can socialise normally and have no body image issues any more and no aim to start a diet again." This is for 90% the case now in year 3 but she still needs to stick to the rules to keep ED out of the house. If she misses one meal or a snack is delayed I can see ED walking in again within an hour...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Pyohaesoo
I’m quite sure changing the subject doesn’t help my d... she’s feeling extra down these days as she says she has noticed her thighs are much thicker and she has become ‘fat forever’, even when I talk to her about other things I can still tell that she’s thinking about her thighs etc... and not really paying attention to what I say. What should I do?
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tina72
These are no logical thoughts and so you can do nothing to convince her she is not fat. It really does not help to engage in these thoughts at all.
It is really best way to distract her as much as possible to give her simply no time for ED thoughts. Keep her busy the whole day like a 2 year old.

Only thing I did at some time during refeeding was something I have read here in the forum:
One day my d was sitting besides me and complained again and again that my legs are so much thinner (they were not) and that she is so much bigger than me (she had size xs and I had m). I was so fed up with that and remembered something I have read here that another mum did and I asked her to change pants with me. If she thinks she is bigger than me than my pants must not fit her.
We changed pants. I could not get her pants over my knees. 🙂
She put mine on and they slowly fell down her legs because they were way too big.
At first she was shocked. Then we both started to laugh.
After that day she started to believe me that she is not bigger than me. Her body image was completely upside down.

With brain recovery she started to be able to see that she is thin. She first saw it on photos of her class mates. Then in the mirror. When she looked down herself she still saw a fat girl but in the mirror amazingly she could see that she is thin. The brain does very crazy things with AN.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Pyohaesoo
I agree that that would be a great way to show my d she is not fat. However, I am naturally quite petite myself and our sizes are around the same... hence when she compares herself to me we aren’t very far off. However, I do reassure her by telling her that whatever she’s thinking of is wrong as her disorder is the one who’s telling her that. She is definitely slimmer than her friends but I couldn’t possible tell her to switch pants with her friends either... 
in fact, I don’t think she has gained much fat at all... she just looks like she has gained a bit of muscle in general. I think it’s great but to her it’s a nightmare. 
thank you so much for the wonderful reply though. I am very grateful.
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tina72
Does she eat enough fats? Fat should be at least 30% of her caloric intake. The brain runs on fat and needs a lot of fat for recovery. My d needs to eat 100 g fat a day for example which is a lot but she is on the low side of what some kids need here...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Pyohaesoo
She does eat lots of cheese, egg, oily fish and occasionally avocados. She likes these foods so I don’t think getting fats in is a problem! I think that her recovery is still in its early stages and hence she has more anxiety at the start... I hope it’ll get better with time 
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Pyohaesoo
It has been 3.5 weeks since start of refeeding. My d originally stored some fat at her stomach and thigh area while gaining weight. Despite that, I have just noticed today that she has lost the weight there, but the other parts of her body did not gain any weight. I was quite worried that she was secretly restricting so I did another blind weigh in to make sure she did not lose any weight. I was surprised to see that her weight is still around 47.7kg and gained 0.6kg from last Monday. However, this may be due to her coming down with the cold. Does taking Panadol make her retain more water? Or did she not lose any weight and I’m just being over paranoid?
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