F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

strawdog
Hi - d was fitted for her prom dress last October and prom is not until end June. She started losing weight before last summer so although not at her thinnest she was still under weight in October but not massively (that started after Xmas). So today she went up to pick it up and try it on again - so worried that she wouldn't fit into it! It did fit her - JUST! We've told her we can have it altered easily but in her mind that of course means she fat and is only going to get fatter! In her head last October she looked fine so she is fine now as it fits. She is about 95% off her range for her height and age so she still has a little way to go but I'm so worried now that this Prom is going to ruin everything and make her reduce her eating! She is definitive she wont have it altered. What do we do??!

I HATE PROMS!!
Quote
tina72
No, you do not hate proms, you hate AN.
That is a common problem we all have with these dresses.
My ideas:
Can you buy the same dress just 1-2 sizes bigger? And take out all signs of the numbers?
Can you give it to a tailor and ask him to make it biggest technical possible?

Both ideas without her knowing it for sure...you could say it must go to the chemical laundry before and then exchange it or in worst case both is not possible I would think about telling her that the chemical laundry did ruin it and she needs to buy a new one...anyway, you will need to put it away for the moment.

My d hated me because she was the last girl in class that got her prom dress but I refused to buy one until 2 weeks before the prom. But you could not have known that this will happen in October...so as always: plan B. or C.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Ellesmum
Tough one, special occasions always are.  I would put the dress in the loft as my daughter would soon forget about it (like when the scales ‘broke’) You are doing so great I would not be surprised if by the end of June your daughter is a great deal more relaxed (by no means recovered but that mental state can improve fairly quickly). For now though least said, soonest mended,  I’d have it altered on the sly if possible.  This is a distract, distract, distract situation.




Ellesmum
Quote
scaredmom
Hey strawdog,
I know she does not wish to have it altered right now and that can change in the next few days or weeks.Right now there is heightened emotions, she hopefully will calm down in a few days. 
if needed, can it be altered in a short time period like a few weeks before the prom in June?
Also I would consider buying a new dress a few weeks prior to the prom if needed too. Although hope that is not to expensive. 
If she needs it tailored, she would have to be present for the measurements as hard to know which part needed letting out ie top or bottom. Hard to keep that part secret I would think?
Right now, I would take a breath and say to you that you will figure it out with time and no need to make a decision right now.
I can hear your upset, I am sorry. Itdoes get better.
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
debra18
I agree with putting off any discussions right now and say you will figure it out when the time comes. My daughter is constantly saying that her clothes don't fit her anymore .I told her that is normal of growing girls. Could you say you made a mistake in getting it so early because girls her age are still growing taller and that is normal?
Quote
strawdog
I genuinely don't like Proms with or without EDs. I think with teenagers these days and all the pressures of looking perfect on Instagram etc an evening when they feel the whole world is watching them and they need to look perfect is just too much pressure at a time when they should just be concentrating on their exams. The expense is ridiculous too - the dress she has cost £600 - she looks amazing in it though - I just wish she could see that!  I think we just breathe and wait a few days and discuss maybe at the next session. She has done so well with her eating that maybe we can ease up a little - she will get there soon enough and maybe we just stagnate a bit until after prom. Getting in taken out a bit at the sides in secret may be the best option - but a you say hard to do without her wearing it! 
Quote
Ellesmum
The prom is nearly three months away, please don’t ease up, not now you’ve come so far. It will prolong everyone’s agony and give a good chance of her not being well enough to go at all.  You really can’t take your eye off the goal for a moment, it can all go awry so quickly.  

If ED sees a chance to secure its grip it will grab it and grab it hard. 
Ellesmum
Quote
strawdog
I know. It’s just been a hard day 🙁
Quote
Ellesmum
strawdog wrote:
I know. It’s just been a hard day 🙁



I know. You’re doing great. Believe that and keep going, one foot in front of the other 💪
Ellesmum
Quote
strawdog
👍🙏  Sleep, Feed,Repeat
Quote
HopeNZ
Hey, strawdog, I know you made the comment in a devil-may-care, off-hand kind of moment but please don't let up on the feeding! You're doing such an awesome job, just keep doing what you're doing. I'm afraid the prom dress might end up being a casualty of your d's illness. You may just need to grit your teeth and push through this issue, as you already have with so many others. And it's possible that, in three months' time, with three months more of weight gain and healing, it will be less of an issue for your d than it is right now. Here's hoping 😍
Quote
strawdog
As always all your support is a lifeline. Thank you. 
Quote
Foodsupport_AUS
Definitely don't ease up on the re-feeding. Her fear and anxiety is ED. Of course she doesn't want the dress altered and of course if it is firm she must be fat and doesn't need to gain more. All of that is to be expected. Our job is to hear her distress, acknowledge that the situation is giving her bad thoughts. It may even be better not to offer an option of alteration at this stage. Work out how the alteration can be done, and then deal with what will need to be done closer to the time. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Quote
strawdog
Don't worry we wont ease up - 3 meals and 3 snacks. Just keep swimming,swimming, swimming! (Finding Nemo reference!)
Quote
tina72
Really no easing up and no stop with wait gain. 3 months is so much time. She needs the time and the food to get to a better state until then.
Yes, it is a lot of money, but if some fairy would come and say "would you pay 600 pounds for your d to be a happy and healthy young woman at the prom?" you would say "yes, for sure, I would pay that with pleasure". I would not talk about that at all at the moment (even not with her around in the next appointment). I would put the dress away until 2 weeks before the prom and then in a better state you might be able to talk very rational about the dress and what needs to be changed then.

You are doing really great and see what you have achieved in the last months. Such little set backs will happen again and again. You will get used to stay cool then and just calm her down (and yourself 🙂).
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote

        

WTadmin