F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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TJR
AN daughter has admission day to residential on Monday.  We have not told her for fear of her running away, zero food intake, self harm etc.  We are taking a "mini vacay" on Sunday night.  Will be staying at an Airbnb about half an hour away from the facility.  When it's time to come home, we will actually go to the facility.  

Has anyone experienced this before?  What do we say when we get there?  She is going to be so furious that we didn't tell her, but I feel there is no other way.
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Kali

Hi TJR,

Is there no way that you can sit and have a calm discussion with her and let her know what is going to happen and why? You know your child best. 

Kali

Food=Love
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TJR
Well, at the moment, I'm picturing having the discussion with her in the car when we have parked in front of the facility.  I don't mind sitting there with her for awhile while she absorbs what's happening.  But at least if we are literally there, I feel like we can get her in.  And if we have to call 911, the police can help us get her in.  We live 2 hours away so having the conversation at home doesn't seem realistic.
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blondie
Over the course of the trip could you try and gently comment about how much nicer trips like that would be if she was well - and how you might be able to do them more often/go further afield - and see if you can get her talking about wanting to recover
Yes she will probably be angry (or rather her ED will be) - she may feel hurt, unloved, betrayed, alone, and like she is being abandoned because you hate her - and she may well say some very hurtful things (don't take these to heart) - but throughout it just keep reminding her that you're doing it because of how much you love of her - because you want her to have a future and to be healthy and happy.
I will be thinking of you....
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TJR
blondie wrote:
Over the course of the trip could you try and gently comment about how much nicer trips like that would be if she was well - and how you might be able to do them more often/go further afield - and see if you can get her talking about wanting to recover
Yes she will probably be angry (or rather her ED will be) - she may feel hurt, unloved, betrayed, alone, and like she is being abandoned because you hate her - and she may well say some very hurtful things (don't take these to heart) - but throughout it just keep reminding her that you're doing it because of how much you love of her - because you want her to have a future and to be healthy and happy.
I will be thinking of you....


Thank you, Blondie.  These are all good things to keep in mind.  I am so thankful and relieved that help is on the way.  Yet, these next two days are so torturous.  She is so small and frail.  I hope that she can hold on for just these two days.  I'm scared to death she is going to faint or get ill before and that I will have to get her to the emergency room.
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PleaseEAT
TJR
maybe your d will surprise you and be willing to go?
when I had to take my d to IP (I had organised the admission before  she knew) and I thought she would back out and have a meltdown/react badly or refuse to go

However I managed to talked her round, the conversation went along the lines of “these are the experts and know what they’re are doing and how to treat this illness”
I was pleasantly surprised that she was willing to go, she actually seemed relieved (we had been battling the beast for 6 months by ourselves  at that stage)
We did have a hospital emergency visit before hand tho as she just couldn’t eat and it was a long weekend and she couldn’t be admitted to the specialised ED hospital till after the weekend  (I did get my H to bring some food after we’d been left in a bed for around 4 hours though, because the hospital had no idea on AN and supplied her  no food or drinks at all, she sat up and ate the banana and sandwich whilst there.....go figure
so if you need to visit emergency be sure to take some food with you
hope the admission goes  as well as it can
all the best
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Foodsupport_AUS
Having looked through you old posts I see that your D is 15 and has been sick for 18 months or so? I would imagine since you have chosen a residential treatment centre that she has been aware that things have been going badly at home and with home treatment - hence your decision, and further that a less restrictive option was not seen as viable either. 

Given this she may sense things are up even with a vacation planned for the weekend. Will the unit accept her if there is acute food refusal? How will they deal with this if it occurs. Certainly I have had to take my D to an admission by physically carrying her and locking the doors to the car and pinning her hands. It took two adults and was emotionally very exhausting. Be prepared that you will have to get her inside somehow? is it a locked facility? Could she run away from there?
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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US_Mom
When we admitted our D to residential, we told her we were going to a new doctor for an assessment, which was not a complete lie. It was the only way to get her there safely.  We were afraid she would run away or jump out of the car while driving. She didn't know it was a residential treatment center until the employee who assessed her told her that she would be staying there. It was the hardest day of my H and my life, but it worked. I wish you luck.
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deenl
Dear TJR,

Our son was admitted to the ED unit as an emergency from hospital. However, we did have to get him to the hospital first!

He became very upset when we told him and we waited until he calmed down a little before we brought him to the car (keys in dad's pocket, car parked pionted to the hospital as was our habit due to self harm and suicidality). I sat beside him in the back as we were afraid that he might try to throw himself out of the car. In the hosptal car park, he lost it totally and we had to firmly hold an arm each and march him in. Ultimately, they had to give him a sedative.

Needless to say, it was one of the most upsetting days of my life but you do what you can to save your kid and ultimately to overcome this illness and have a healthy and happy life. That is the picture to keep in you mind no matter what happens.

My tips would be to sort out the practical stuff without her knowledge - pack for her and put the bag in the boot, have your phone charged, keys to hand and make sure there are two adults to bring her. Whenever you choose to tell her, she will need to focus all her courage on actually getting there so the easier you can make it the better.

If you tell her early, please keep a careful eye on her and preferably sleep with her to prevent serious self harm or a suicide attempt. The urges can be more difficult to suppress with the fear of IP.

We told our other two kids just before we talked to our ED son. Luckily, they were old enough to stay by themselves but we did warn them that there would be lots of emotions and upset and that it was unsettling but necessary. If you have younger kids, it might be better to send them off to stay with a family member.

I knew very little about ED at the time and this was the beginning of our recovery story. It is amazing to see how far we have come. Our son is now a healthy weight and very happy with his life. We are working on eliminating the last little ED habits (taking forever. sigh) but life is good.

Wishing you strength and courage,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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ValentinaGermania
Start early and be prepared to call for help to get her out of the car. The residential team will  have seen that before and should be prepared to help when you arrive.
Lock all car doors while driving and have an adult sit with her in back.

Please do not feel guilty because you need to do that. It will probably save her life!
Be prepared that she will refuse to see you or even talk to you afterwards and try to just ignore it. It is ED that does not want to see you...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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CED123
Thinking of you today and hoping it isn't worse than it has to be.
Currently no light; only tunnel 🙁
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Torie
Good luck today.  Thinking of you. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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TJR
Thank you everyone. All these replies were so helpful.  She is now in residential and I'm so relieved to have help.  This is what happened:

We were driving back "home" from our small vacation.  She was in the back seat, alone, as per normal driving situations. I think she would have been alarmed if one of us was back there. When we were about 2 minutes away, she started to get suspicious because we were on a residential street. 

"Mom, where are we?", "mom, this doesn't seem right", "tell me what's going on!".

I mumbled about the navigation trying to steer us form traffic.

When we parked in the drive way, I jumped in the backseat with her and the H stood near her passenger door.  She then completely understood.  She grabbed my hair and kicked me.  She pushed open her door, but the H would not let her out even as she clawed him.  After several minutes of this, she sat in a heap crying. The H phoned the facility.  We thought they saw us in the driveway, but maybe not?  She said some horrible things about us.  Then 3 people from the facility came out. They did a great job of talking her through it.  After 25 minutes she agreed to go inside with them.  

We were there for about 4 hours doing paperwork and interviews (all without her).  When it was time for us to go, she refused to come out and say goodbye.  Hopefully she will be ready to talk to us in a few days....
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Enn
I know it was such a hard thing to do. She needs their help. 

Sending my best and a hug for the hard day you have had.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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MKR
I am crying as I'm reading it. ❤❤❤  But good on the team to have those magic words for her (kids like to take it out on parents, I know).

May it work well for all. ❤❤❤

All the best, 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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ValentinaGermania
Wow, you are a heroic mum. What a hard trip that must have been for you and hubby.
I am so glad that she is there now and will get some help.
Does she have her phone here? Then send her some nice messages although she might not reply. Only to show her you love her and stay in contact.
If she has no phone, think of sending a funny post card. Just to show you are there.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Good for you to have delivered here there successfully.  I'm sure it was very traumatic for all concerned, and massively sad.  I hope you find much peace in knowing she is getting the care she needs.  Once day she will appreciate your making sure she gets the treatment she needs.

Please do something nice for yourself and try to rebuild your strength for the rest of the marathon. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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