F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

rosalind50
Feel like I'm living in a parallel universe while other people around me have normal lives! We have reached WR and FBT has been moved to two weekly. This has made ED hit the fan! Went to an iinvividual session with T today and my d was told she would not be weighed today. Did her usual smiling and nodding during session then when we got to the car all hell broke loose! When we finally got home after much screaming, abuse and tears she begged me to weigh her on the scales she knows I have hidden as she couldn't bear to not know. Weight was up 0.2kg to 48.3kg and she completely lost it. Insisting she has to be 45.4kg or she will never be happy. No amount of reasoning would work and I had to promise all sorts of lies which she knows are lies to calm her. At one point I was going to leave the house as I couldn't take any more and this scared her as she lay on the floor begging me not to leave as I am the only one she has to talk to. This is so draining and I really don't know how much more I can take. My older daughter spends most of her time In her room and is depressed as am I. I have no partner so can't turn to anyone for a break. Am so confused as one minute she says she want to go back to this weight then half an hour later she is talking about what food she likes. I have no idea sometimes what's going on or what to do. When will this nightmare ever end. I am in financial chaos and struggling to cope with being back at work and just feel traumatised all the time. Sorry for the rant!!!
Quote
admum
Hi I'm sorry I'm new to this. I have no fantastic words to help. I just wanted you to know that I hope things can improve for you. I have recently taken redundancy to help my D. I feel v frightened by this but knew I had to be there over the next few months
Quote
Torie
I'm so sorry about your day, Rosalind. I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but my guess is that she will either get more relaxed about the number on the scale in a while, or she needs more weight.

Hang in there. It does get better. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote
momtobeauty
Parallel universe is a good way to describe it! How do we get back to the world that makes sense? I agree, your d probably needs more weight. My d is WR and eating normally now (although not recovered by any stretch) and she is ok with how she looks but she felt fat when she was much thinner.
I'm sorry it is so overwhelming. We will get where we need to be- we just don't know how yet. It will be ok.
Quote
Psycho_Mom
Hi,

Been there. Weighing was always the worst. We switched to doing it at home because d always saved her reaction for me at home, anyway. So why pay the t $100 bucks? Just so you know, the reactions lessened with more weigh and with time and exposure therapy (doing it again, week after week after week.....)

Trying to reason with a sufferer about weigh is just hopeless.
What can help is to help them express their anxiety, name it, notice it, notice its effect in the body. All these things will help lessen the anxiety, and then you can distract them from the incident.



d: I weigh so much I can't stand it I want to die how much? It can't be that!! I need to weigh 45 blah blah blah....

m: It sounds like you're really upset.

d: OF curse I am I hate you you're making me fat blah blah blah....

m: So you're angry with me?

d: Yes I'm angry!!! hmmmph!

m: It's good you can express that. What does anger feel like in your body, can you take a moment and notice?

d: What a stupid thing to say. IT feels like, I dunno, hotness in my throat. (pause) 

m: It's good you can notice that. (pause) Do you want to watch TV?



best wishes,




D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
Quote
K63
Hi Rosalind 50, sorry things are so desperately difficult and ed land is a different place than the rest of the world since my d became unwell 2 years ago our lives have changed drastically . Well done on reaching weight restoration if she is really there or is it too low for her . My d was weight restored in hospital and was discharged only to restrict and lose some. We have been desperately fighting this last year to get it back up we are almost there . When one of the therapist went on maternity leave I took over the weekly weighing myself . The distress some days before standing on the scales is beyond belief this illness is so horrific to see how it tortures them. I go from feeling so sympathetic to feeling just stand on it it's just a weighing scales ( I don't say this of course I try to be calm and think of Eva Musby) . These last few weeks my d talks more positive about being weight restored she says she never wants to go back again she feels better has more energy but at the next meal will say that is too big . She feels now she is able for being weight restored she often said before being weighed I am not able to be weight restored yet. The healing takes a long time , it's easy to talk the talk but the thoughts torment them. It's a very difficult for them as they are weight restored keep going at this now she will get used to this new body image maybe it's too soon to drop to Theraphy every second week she may need more. Also no matter how bad one day is or one meal is do the next meal the same as always and presume it will be better it often is nothing stays the same . My older daughter when she comes home does not eat with us she finds it too stressful as it was so awful in the early refeeding days.
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
Quote
floating
Rosalind

I hear your pain and can feel it too, I myself am parenting alone with a big sister in situ and yes it is awful

You are doing a great job and my heart goes out to you having to still listen to that nasty ED after all your hard work with journeying to WR

I too have tried to walk out previously and sometimes maybe they need to see this is hard for us too and you should not feel bad about this,
The coping is very difficult, beyond imaginable.........but you get through each and everyday and this shows great strength and what a caring, loving, steadfast mother you are and your D will remember this when she is fully recovered 

I hope the weight goes up a little more to shut the ED voice up that drives child and mother crazy!!! and you see improvement with mood. We are all here for you willing you both on to splat this monster.....

Big hug xx


Quote
rosalind50
Thank you all for your replies and such great support. It is so much appreciated.
Tories and momtobeauty - I do think she needs more weight but getting her to see that is my problem. I guess she never will while the ED voice is still strong in her head so I have to try and push on and be brave.
Psycho_mom - thanks for the good advice. I will try and remain calm but at times feel this is so hard when I am being screamed at.
K63- I also go from feeling sympathy to feeling like screaming or running away.
Hoping that one day I can look back at this and laugh! X
Quote
Torie
rosalind50 wrote:
I do think she needs more weight but getting her to see that is my problem. I guess she never will while the ED voice is still strong in her head so I have to try and push on and be brave.


That's exactly right. You will have to be braver than you ever thought you would need to be. But you can, because she is your d. Please remember that we are always with you in spirit. Keep going. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote
Elena
Yep, parallel universe is exactly how my life feels.  There are normal people with normal lives, and then there are us, seemingly stuck in the parallel universe of ED. And it sucks, and others do not understand that our universe is quite different to theirs, and they wonder why we don't react normally to things. Hang in there, there is hope that our parallel universe will come to an end some day.
Quote
Mom2DD
Rosalind,

Oh how I truly understand the loneliness of this experience as well. Not having a partner this time around or any friend/family who understands makes this experience so much more difficult. I say that only because I have something to compare it to as I had a H for the first round of FBT, he couldn't take the stress and has left us. 

I posted a question this week, you may want to read the incredibly brilliant responses, as it may shed some light on your situation. The responses of support were brilliant, not 'how to cope' as that was not my question (although I will accept every tidbit of advice available) but 'why' your D is freaking out as she is closer to being WR.

Please more than anything, know you are not alone...we are all in this nasty journey together, some with different terrain, but still the same nasty trail!!!

HUGS!
I truly believe if love were medicinal, our children would all be cured! 


Quote
Busylizzie_UK
Hi
I can relate to so much you say- also a single Mum with an older D , and problems between the sisters that started with the ED- they used to be close . Thankfully things improving a bit though very up and down . Books are helpful but can be geared towards 2 parent families . It helps to make time for you and other D - maybe lunch out or spa visit ? Looking back I can see that all my energy was used up by ED and older D was sidelined. Probably couldn't have been avoided in the early days , especially as no other adults to split the time. Also being sole parent , I am really the only person that gets the full brunt of the ED behaviour . Just want you to know you're not alone . Hang on in there .
busylizzie
Quote
Aussie
Hi Rosalind,
I battled Ed as a sole parent...I also have an older d who was pretty much sidelined for 2yrs as all my focus went onto younger d. I remember taking my oldest out for lunch just the 2 of us when Ed d was at a friend's place. I also took the time to explain to her why her sister was getting so much of my time. She understood although there were times when she resented her sister and her illness. Their relationship as sisters was sorely tested but they have pulled through. They are very close now. I know that the responsibility of caring for a child with a mental illness can be over whelming and very draining, especially if you have little support. It is very isolating and there are times when you feel as if you are drowning under the weight of it all. I know how difficult it is to face this alone. I came here for the support I needed. Without ATDT I really don't know what I would of done. Hang in there. Take one day at a time. Try to take a break when you can. Hugs xx
Quote

        

WTadmin