F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Hi all 

I posted about 5 weeks ago re our family issues and what has been happening with our start with refeeding and Maudesly.

Quick recap, D 17 with Anorexia symptoms but weight not dangerously low. Maybe she is at the point of full weight restoration or very nearly there, we got onto early before this. Her plan to be 10 kgs lighter than now, on her 5.10 frame. Showing very strong food restrictions, starve and binge, no purging (Yet) but extreme behaviour around food when we started the Maudesly. 

I started refeeding with her father (who I am not with) agreeing to be onboard at all meetings. She is with her father 5 nights (including every second weekend). Leaving 9 days with me. We started out introducing foods back into her diet. With extreme tantrums and avoidance. Went from eating only tuna 90g tin and small tub of rice, oats with water (weighed) eating some dinner but throwing most out. To now she is eating sandwiches, sushi, pasta (this was a biggie) eggs, some non safe foods, but over the last two weeks I noticed she is eating well just before her fathers and then she goes there and he is either not there, has not provided food, or just leaves her to make her own.

I have bought this up time and time again with the Family Therapist but each time her father has agreed and then just gone back to this pattern. Then over the last week she has run away to his house each time I have tried to enforce eating. With the last episode ending in me taking her car off her, telling her she was not allowed to go to the gym (something which I was still letting based on eating her dinner) she locked herself in the bathroom climbed out the window and ran to her father's (we do not live far) he gave her his car to go. 

So when I found this out I went to the gym and got her and it ended up in her erractically driving off almost running me over in the process. She is staying with him and I am trying everything to get my team on board to get the refeeding done by just me. And her father not even involved. 

I have had the usual you must communicate, you must make him see, you must talk to him about this, send him information, give him this, get him to call us. But you see her father will not communicate with me, if I were to ring him and voice my concerns he would discuss it with my daughter it would have the opposite effect of getting him to see he would take it out on her and my other two children. So I keep my mouth shut because I don't want them used as pawn in this game he plays, anything I suggest he refuses to do even to the detriment of my darling girls health . He was more concerned about me driving his car home from the gym than his daughter driving at erractic speeds through the streets to get away. 

Of course, I am trying everything to get her home, I have kept the lines open, communicating with her, but I am cut off at the legs each time I attempt this because her father would rather not do Maudesly or as he has put it - my approach is just too harsh. 

So I am awaiting a meeting with our Team to come up with new plan - I want her with me fulltime. She is still talking to me, she or rather ED has blamed me for her behaviour, her life is ruined, her car being taken off her, her anger, her moods, everything is my fault. I can take that but I cannot give my all to have it just fall apart each time she is with her father. 

Our situation seems so impossible so if there is anyone out there with any advice please I would be so appreciative. 

Hi NickyT,
to refeed a kid in two families that are not on the same page is very hard if not to say impossible. I know that there are some parents with the same problem here at the moment and I hope they will join in with some ideas soon.
It is surely a good idea to talk to the team and show them your problems. You did everything right, congratulations on getting her out of the gym! She needs to see that her behaviour has consequences and you are not too strict and too harsh. There is no way to be too strict and too harsh with AN. AN needs a very strict NO.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi NickyT

This is a very difficult situation. A different approach may be needed. ED loves it when there are loopholes and at the moment her dad is providing plenty of them. If you can't get him to be strict when dealing with ED, you have to consider your options, either refeeding her on your own or get her into residential treatment. Research a couple of places and let her dad know that it might be the only alternative, unfortunately. This illness won't go away on its own and needs intensive treatment for a long time and if he can't provide it, then you might have to consider alternatives.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww