F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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sunny6
When I try to correct a behavior or find a way to help support, the eating disorder gets agitated.  At that point, I know it is important to stay calm and let them know that I am here to support them.  But what else can I say?  I have tried I understand that.... or I can see that you are feeling...  I immediately get shut down and get told that I am wrong or that I am the trigger and the reason for all of their troubles.  When I ask for them to correct me, they tell me just to leave.

Any other ideas on what to say to help calm them?  Isolation is a big factor with anorexia and we do let them calm done for a few minutes and try again,  but I know we need to continue to encourage them to have flexible thoughts and to identify their feelings.  I have read books on BPD and our therapist has given us phrases, but nothing seems to work once I poke the behavior.

Any other ideas would be appreciated.  Thanks
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Foodsupport_AUS
Sometimes there is really nothing you can say. If really agitated I think noticing that and saying that can be helpful. If you are blamed for it however sometimes it can get into a bit of a slanging match. If you are aware that you have done something that is appropriate but "triggering" , you can apologise but X needed to be done. Sometimes ED just really needs someone to blame and leaving them alone can be useful, offering a distraction can also help. I steer clear from trying to be the "therapist" too often. 
I found it much easier for D to identify her feelings well after the fact rather than at the time. It allows for reflection on what happened and does help them to look at how to change responses next time. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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tina72
In most cases when I said in the dark days that I understand and that I know how she feels I would see her freak out and tell me that I have no idea how that feels and that I do not understand at all and maybe that is really the case. We do not understand what is going on in their minds.

So I stopped saying that and just tried to get her to do something different or just be there and listen and say something like "mmmh". That worked best.

Best thing you can do at the moment is keep feeding and wait and be patient. It will get better but brain recoverytakes time.
We tried CBT but that did not work, too. It just got better by time, totally without any therapy.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Hibiscus
Hey Sunny
i seem to have the talent of saying the wrong thing, like all the time. I agree with foodsupport that ed wants someone to blame, and we r the easy target. And with tina72, we don’t know how they are feeling. I mess up all the time, foot in mouth it seems. When I get stuck like this I re read Eva Musby’s book. She talks about identifying needs, when I try her approach my d feels heard and it seems to help. I do not have the answer for her and if I am wrong she can correct me but it seems to forge a bit of a better connection. Not saying I can do this all the time, but I refresh myself from these chapters. This is all hard. Hang in there. 
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scaredmom
You can't say or doing anything that will make it better, unfortunately.
I said nothing, really. 
Just keep doing what you need to and get through it. 
I agree with the others and that leaving alone can be helpful.
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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debra18
I write my daughter notes when I need to address a behavior and she writes me back. I started writing a lot of positive ones too because I saw she was keeping all of them. Also getting her engaged in a healthy outlit (music lessons) has helped her.
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Torie
One thing I said A LOT was, "It sounds like this is really hard."  And then I changed the subject.  The changing the subject part is really important, but not something I'm very good at.  I tried to keep a mental list of a few neutral topics to pull out ("Have you seen my glasses?"  "I heard on the news that..." or whatever.  Somehow I'm not very good at coming up with ideas in the moment so I tried to plan ahead. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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sunny6
Thank you.  I have tried the approach of I need to talk to you about something that may be hard for you or may cause strong feelings...are you ok with talking now.  This works sometimes, but when addressing a behavior in the moment, is when it escalates.  I need to somehow have a quick list of phrases as most of the time, I can only muster, I am sorry you are having a difficult time or I am here to support you.  How can I do that for you.  

I discovered that the sh has started again after a period of a break.  I am worried that some of this is medication related as they just increased her dosage and the last time this stopped when we stopped all meds (we had also just done weeks of IOP).  She is in weekly DBT.  We just keep praying that she will start to fight it and not me
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