F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Faddywrite
Feeling very low today. As my daughter restricted last time we tried a fear food, I decided to cook apple crumble without her knowing and she would have to try some after dinner. But my husband cooked and my daughter looked very suspiciously at the mashed potato and said it had lots of butter in it (it had some butter). She tried to leave half of it (which isn't like her) and afterwards told me she doesn't trust dad's cooking as he adds extra butter, (even though she knows I do it too!) She asked if I can always cook in future as she trusts me.

So by the time it came to pudding my daughter totally refused and I decided because she had eaten the buttery mash and found that so hard, we would delay the pudding until the next day but she will have to eat at least a small portion tonight. It is so hard to get the balance right and try fear foods. The thing is, before last night she had asked me to get her a chocolate brioche bun to eat his week, as she is challenging herself to eat pastry, which is  one of her biggest fears. So I'm worried if I push the pudding it will be too much and push her to restrict more. She does eat her meals well normally and snacks,including 200 calorie protein bars and nuts, milk etc. At the same time, her weight is barely going up and I know I need to get her to eat some more saturated fat and sweet foods. I can add them to foods but it seems almost like her fears are getting worse not better as we tackle fear foods. 
We see the dietitian tonight with the psychologist so I am dreading them weighing her. I feel like a complete failure that I can't feed my only child and get her better. The autism makes it harder for her to break rules as well.
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Foodsupport_AUS
You are doing really well at trying to push those fear foods, but it also sounds as though you are really struggling to get her weight up. Being unclear, and wavering when you make a plan ultimately probably makes it harder for your D as your indecision and uncertainty well be reinforcing her fears. "There must be a reason she is unsure, I am right to be worried". My best advice is to keep pushing through with what ever you have decided to do, be confident in yourself and what you know needs to happen. First and foremost weight gain. If you want her to have dessert try and get this to happen even if she is anxious. You can have fear foods every day, once a week, you get to decide. Make a plan and trust that you know what you are doing. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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OneToughMomma
Dear Faddywrite,

We have all been through this, and we know how hard consistency is. It's hard enough parenting a well child, much less one with a mental illness.  They can twist you up in knots!

As Foodsupport says, it's important to set the course and keep it.  Don't back down if at all possible.  Try not to listen to the ED chatter.  Her fears will get worse.  You can pretty much bank on that.  She will have to get through them before she gets better.

Sending a hug,

OTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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tina72
Faddywrite, please change the titel of your post. You are a good mum because you ask for help here and you want to change something and you want her to get better. That is what good mums do. Nothing else.

Tackling fear food is hard but please do not be afraid of something ED is afraid of. She has to learn to eat that again and the sooner the better.

"She tried to leave half of it (which isn't like her) and afterwards told me she doesn't trust dad's cooking as he adds extra butter, (even though she knows I do it too!) She asked if I can always cook in future as she trusts me."

That is ED talk and I would not give in to it. She needs to eat what is served no matter who cooks. Dads food is just what she needs as well as yours. No exeptions for ED.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mamaroo

You are a good mum, Faddywrite, we all have days where we have to decide when to push and when to slide. Like you said, she ate the mash even if it was hard for her. 

And let your hubby continue to cook, as it challenges your d (in a different way). Try again the apple crumble today, even just a bite, as it would be more than ED would allow.

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!

D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Faddywrite
You are doing really well at trying to push those fear foods, but it also sounds as though you are really struggling to get her weight up. Being unclear, and wavering when you make a plan ultimately probably makes it harder for your D as your indecision and uncertainty well be reinforcing her fears. "There must be a reason she is unsure, I am right to be worried". My best advice is to keep pushing through with what ever you have decided to do, be confident in yourself and what you know needs to happen. First and foremost weight gain. If you want her to have dessert try and get this to happen even if she is anxious. You can have fear foods every day, once a week, you get to decide. Make a plan and trust that you know what you are doing. 


Hi thanks for your kind words and advice, much appreciated. Last night we went to our psychologist's appointment with Camhs and the psychologist had forgotten that she said a psychiatrist would be there (for obessive intrusive thoughts) and the dietitian wasn't there either! Felt really disappointed but my daughter was especially tired due to exams so maybe for the best that we see the dietician next time. The lady treating her is trying to get her to be flexible in her thinking around food, so I guess it' a type of CBT. However, when we got home my husband had cooked again and my daughter was very anxious that he hadn't given her enough vegetables. She was really grumpy as tired and hungry but I had told her she would be eating apple crumble for pudding, so I made her eat a very very small portion rather than delaying. 

It seems like this treatment is going to be mainly us refeeding while  Camhs try to shift her thinking (even harder with autism!) so I have decided two new fear foods a week, one at the start one at the weekend and tomorrow will be pizza, eek. She hasn't had a proper fattening pizza for a year now, but got to go for it. Going to serve it with jacket potatoes and salad so she only has to tackle the pizza.
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Faddywrite
tina72 wrote:
Faddywrite, please change the titel of your post. You are a good mum because you ask for help here and you want to change something and you want her to get better. That is what good mums do. Nothing else.

Tackling fear food is hard but please do not be afraid of something ED is afraid of. She has to learn to eat that again and the sooner the better.

"She tried to leave half of it (which isn't like her) and afterwards told me she doesn't trust dad's cooking as he adds extra butter, (even though she knows I do it too!) She asked if I can always cook in future as she trusts me."

That is ED talk and I would not give in to it. She needs to eat what is served no matter who cooks. Dads food is just what she needs as well as yours. No exeptions for ED.



Hi Tina, thank you. Feeling fed up as the psychologist had forgotten to get the psychiatrist to attend last night's session and the dietician wasn't free either. My daughter was very tired as it's assessment week at school so when we got in she was cross as my hubby had cooked again and she felt he hadn't given her enough veg (she had blueberries later to make up for that!) I then told her she needed to have a very small portion of apple crumble as eh refused it yesterday. This time she actually swore at me and refused again but this time I stuck to my guns and she had a tiny portion but was very angry. I have decided two fear foods a week as well as carrying on adding butter cheese oil etc wherever I can and the next one is pizza tomorrow. She hasn't had proper pizza for over a year so will be very unhappy and I'm not sure whether to tell her ahead if she asks me as I don't want her to restrict anything as she's worried about the pizza. I will tell her we will have jacket potato and salad with it as she will eat those happily.
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Faddywrite
Dear Faddywrite,

We have all been through this, and we know how hard consistency is. It's hard enough parenting a well child, much less one with a mental illness.  They can twist you up in knots!

As Foodsupport says, it's important to set the course and keep it.  Don't back down if at all possible.  Try not to listen to the ED chatter.  Her fears will get worse.  You can pretty much bank on that.  She will have to get through them before she gets better.

Sending a hug,

OTM


Thanks very much for your kind words. Yes, last night I decided I had to make her eat a bit of apple crumble so I did her a really small portion and she wasn't happy but ate it super fast. Tomorrow I am doing pizza for the first time in a year or so, as have decided two fear foods a week otherwise progress with weight gain will be slow or non existent.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Great that you have a plan in your own mind. The more confident you are that you know what you are doing the more your D is likely to go along with you. It is very much a fake it till you make it situation. If she knows you mean business and are confident you are on the right path it will help her to keep going in the face of her anxiety. As Tina has said, sounds like you were a great mum today. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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mjkz
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It seems like this treatment is going to be mainly us refeeding while  Camhs try to shift her thinking (even harder with autism!)


Actually you have that backwards Faddywrite.  The treatment is actually you keep refeeding and with weight gain and time eating under her belt, her thinking will shift.  My daughter was tested several times for autism due to her inability to break her own rules or alter her own path in life but a lot of that got much better with weight gain.  I know it will always be something your daughter has to deal with but you are not a bad mom in any way, shape, or form.

I can't agree with the advice you've gotten above more.  Make a plan and stick to it no matter what.  Keep Dad cooking too.  Ed is trying to split you two and it is important that you both cook and serve.
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Faddywrite
mjkz wrote:


Actually you have that backwards Faddywrite.  The treatment is actually you keep refeeding and with weight gain and time eating under her belt, her thinking will shift.  My daughter was tested several times for autism due to her inability to break her own rules or alter her own path in life but a lot of that got much better with weight gain.  I know it will always be something your daughter has to deal with but you are not a bad mom in any way, shape, or form.

I can't agree with the advice you've gotten above more.  Make a plan and stick to it no matter what.  Keep Dad cooking too.  Ed is trying to split you two and it is important that you both cook and serve.


You are right about ED trying to split me and my daughter's dad. She also absolutely hates her dad right now, barely says hello to him so it is hard for him, except that he doesn't know how much she dislikes him. I am stuck in the middle but trying to keep the peace. He is stressed about work too so very irritable. It would be nice to escape from here at the moment! But I have to keep trying.
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Mamaroo
Faddywrite wrote:

You are right about ED trying to split me and my daughter's dad. She also absolutely hates her dad right now, barely says hello to him so it is hard for him, except that he doesn't know how much she dislikes him. I am stuck in the middle but trying to keep the peace. He is stressed about work too so very irritable. It would be nice to escape from here at the moment! But I have to keep trying.

My d also hated her dad, but it went away as the weight went up, so don't despair. It will get better! 
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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tina72
Faddywrite wrote:


You are right about ED trying to split me and my daughter's dad. She also absolutely hates her dad right now, barely says hello to him so it is hard for him, except that he doesn't know how much she dislikes him. I am stuck in the middle but trying to keep the peace. He is stressed about work too so very irritable. It would be nice to escape from here at the moment! But I have to keep trying.


Tell him that it is ED that hates him and not his beloved daughter and that it is normally a very good sign when ED hates you!
She will forget all that has happened and be his lovely little girl again when the weight is normal again.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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OneToughMomma
Faddywrite, you are doing great!  You're sticking to your plan even when it's hard.

Re dad's relationship and stress from work: we had a similar situation, with horrible hatred from d and my husband barely keeping it together stress/anger wise.

After d got well, I could see that his stress was almost exclusively from ED.  What looked like work stress had been flow-over from our horrific home life. 

D loves us both dearly now, and is very protective of us.  H is a different person now, too. He's much more able to roll with life's little stresses now that our d is safe.

It will get better, just keep going.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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freedomfighter
My D (17) absolutely hated her Dad too during re-feeding.  She wouldn't even be in the same room as him.  She covered her face if he walked in.  That all fades away as the renourishment takes effect.  But of course it's a gradual thing because it is growth/repair of cells and organs and blood and brain and everything affected by malnourishment, and growth is slow, incremental, it can't be hurried.  Take heart, it WILL improve. 

Camhs were variable for us as well, occasionally very helpful, more often very unhelpful.  In the end we stopped going to appointments altogether because the re-feeding was being undermined every time, and a too-low target weight was insisted upon which we KNEW was not necessarily right.  They were decent people but under-resourced and very dogmatic about certain things which there was no evidence for, and very wishy-washy about other things (like re-feeding when she couldn't feed herself properly) when we desperately needed back-up.  This was a massive stress for us and D was furious that we weren't listening to the 'experts' but meal after meal was what was needed, and this is what we did.  And we saw healing, periods, much better mood.  We are not relaxed now but compared to a year ago she is a different person.

She is still fairly stroppy now but in a normal teenage rolling-eyes kind of way.  Hang on in there.  One meal at a time.  It won't always be like this.  Taking anti-depressants for myself, for my own anxiety, was enormously helpful, and helped me stay the course.  Peace to you.
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Suzanne
I have no advice, as I’m in this beginning stages of refeeding my son as well.  So hard. So hard. But I send lots of love and support. And it’s a great reminder that ED is crazy making for all of us.  i remind myself that the discomfort I feel when  he struggles trying to  eat,  is the same discomfort he feels trying to eat, which helps me find compassion and be patient. ( sometimes!!) 
love and light awesome momma!!! We will get through...
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