F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Hibiscus
We are 15 months post diagnosis of ran for 14 y/ o daughter, diagnosed at 12 - 2 weeks hospital to stabilise and referring at home. Hovering around weight restoration, but D has been suffering high levels of anxiety for about 4 months and more recently ( I think) a bit of depression and I discovered D has been self harming. Frequently misses school from anxiety and won’t go out at times, not even to friends parties, for a walk, won’t swim or do any mild exercise as she feels too fat. No actually she states she knows she isn’t fat but not skinny enough or where she wants to be. Constantly moving legs to burn calories. There has been a long debate between us about wanting to diet running in the background of this, escalating over past few months as well.
 It’s been a hard road. I’m worn out from being the bad guy for so long now. 
D recently started open weighs at CMHS and was shocked that she was 5 kgs heavier than she presumed. Missed 4 days of school following this. 
On Saturday she decides she is stopping afternoon tea as she is going on a diet. Today announces she is not having morning tea either. Suspicious tonight that dinner was larger( no comment) 
Sorry but I am scared I can’t go back through this! and furious with her for not trying to get well. I’m exhausted too.
 I should be understanding but have been very angry. Like I said not a shining moment. I am posting this to try to calm myself and remind myself that this is anorexia. 
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scaredmom
It is fine to be angry. It is really a normal emotional reaction to all of this. Scream it out, put it here in words, LET. IT.OUT!!!

Once that anger is out ,channel that energy into action. You have done well you really have. How do you you feel about the open weighing? Was it easier for her and you when she was blind weighed? That maybe helpful right now. Does she need meds to help too?
You know I am going to say not to let her diet. And you know exactly what to do, Hibiscus. I am sorry things are so rough right now.
Can you do something non ED related for you? I am finding that I need to plan some “me” time so that I don’t forget me in the shuffle also it give me something to look forward to every week or so.
Not only am I sending a big hug 🤗 I am sending you a cup of tea ☕️ and a pass to take care you too and forget about Ed for a bit.
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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teecee
It’s so stressful being constantly ‘on it’ ... is there anyone who can take over the responsibility for a small window on time each day/week? It’s super important to look after yourself to have time to yourself without thinking about this vile illness. 
If you are feeling at the end of your tether it sounds to me that someone needs to step in and rescue you too. We spend so much time rescuing our kids that we forget we need care too. 
Sending you virtual hugs. Xxxx
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tina72
Hibiscus wrote:
We are 15 months post diagnosis of ran for 14 y/ o daughter, diagnosed at 12 - 2 weeks hospital to stabilise and referring at home. Hovering around weight restoration, but D has been suffering high levels of anxiety for about 4 months and more recently ( I think) a bit of depression and I discovered D has been self harming. Frequently misses school from anxiety and won’t go out at times, not even to friends parties, for a walk, won’t swim or do any mild exercise as she feels too fat. No actually she states she knows she isn’t fat but not skinny enough or where she wants to be. Constantly moving legs to burn calories. There has been a long debate between us about wanting to diet running in the background of this, escalating over past few months as well.


First question would be why are you hovering around WR. I suppose she knows her weight and decides what to eat already? All you describe I would suggest she needs more weight. The depression, the self harm, the isolation are due to malnutrition. She needs to gain more weight to see progress. How can we help with that?

Hibiscus wrote:
It’s been a hard road. I’m worn out from being the bad guy for so long now. 
D recently started open weighs at CMHS and was shocked that she was 5 kgs heavier than she presumed. Missed 4 days of school following this. 
On Saturday she decides she is stopping afternoon tea as she is going on a diet. Today announces she is not having morning tea either. Suspicious tonight that dinner was larger( no comment) 


Why did she start open weighings and who decided that? I feel it was not YOU (who should decide that). So at that state when she fights against more weight and crashs your good work and refuses to eat tea now that needs to be changed. Tell her and cahms that next weighing will be blind weighing again until YOU decide to change that. You are in charge.
What consequence had that refusing morning tea and afternoon tea?

Hibiscus wrote:
Sorry but I am scared I can’t go back through this! and furious with her for not trying to get well. I’m exhausted too.
 I should be understanding but have been very angry. Like I said not a shining moment. I am posting this to try to calm myself and remind myself that this is anorexia. 


I can imagine how you feel and how exhausted you are. That is really hard work, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Nobody can be perfect every day but you ARE a good mother today because you are here and you are searching for help. Do not apologize for venting here, that is the right place to do that.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Hibiscus
Thank you scared mum , Teecee and Tina for your replies. 
There is no one else to step in for me as my husband does not handle the conflict and cannot be firm with her at all. He is the good cop around here. Open weighing occurred as D refused blind weighs and I desperately needed to know if she had lost weight. So as much as I regret it, it was a necessary evil.  D is 55.5 kgs and 163 cms at last weigh. I have been slowly trying to increase weight. CMHS counsellors seem to lack a bit of expertise in this area but are trying. It is scant relief to see them fortnightly and cope with it all in between. We cannot afford private therapy. She has trialled a few meds, just started seroquel / quetiapine- lowest dose. I feel the thinking has become entrenched and scared I have already lost her. I have contacted school to reintroduce lunch supervision as I realise she has not been eating this. On Saturday I removed phone and Sunday computer, although she has supervised access for school work at home and has to take it to school. She has been told all missed food will be eaten before she has access again. She doesn’t seem to care. In fact seems more confident to go out now that she is restricting  again. I don’t know any other consequences to try. Part of me wonders if we will have a really big blow up before I get her back on track. Maybe we need to.  I also worry that when / if she relents and then sees further weight gain that self harm may escalate into something worse. Sorry to be merchant of gloom. 
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scaredmom
Would you consider keeping her home from school altogether and get the weight on quickly? I don’t recall if you work outside the home and wonder if you could take time off to feed? 
I hope with more weight the brain will change favourably from the self harm  and depression.
Remember she is still young and her brain is changing all the time. I don’t think you have lost her. It is just a matter of getting the food in. Puberty +ED= volatility! 
I wish I had magic for you, for all of us. It is such a bear, taking care of ED!
Do you have any support for you? A trusted friend to sit with you and her while you feed her? 
Does your team help support her on weigh  in days to off set the upset a bit with the gains? That may be an issue too?
thinking of you,
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Mamaroo
Hi Hibiscus, sorry it is so hard now, I found the last couple of kilograms harder than the first couple. Don't let her take control of eating or deciding what to eat and which meals to skip. She is not there yet. She needs to get back eating those snacks again,. Like the others have said, she is not lost, she is still young, just pushing the boundaries. Now it is food, because that is what she is focused on, but later when she is recovered it would be other normal teenager stuff (clothes, homework, chores, etc). I was wondering if you could see your gp and ask for a mental health care plan for yourself  and it covers up to 10 sessions with a therapist. 

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Hibiscus
Hey again thanks for your support.
I love your equation scared mum , it is too true! I would rather leave her in school as much as possible to try to keep her from isolating herself further. I cannot work currently as I cannot leave her unsupervised. I have contacted school and have go ahead for supervision of lunches again starting tomorrow, which means big blow up tonight, think I will do it after dinner and possibly missed school and and and ...(thinking worst case scenario here) . Mamaroo,  funny you should mention that, I got a mental health care plan today. I hope the counselling is good, but if not I will change it( got recommended through qld eating disorder association so here’s hoping) . Trying to gird my loins as much as I can. Thanks 🙏 
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tina72
If you cannot think of other things for consequences, can you think of other things for incentives? Is there anything she is keen on or want to have or likes to do?

Another idea: I often saw my d stepping backwards when she ate not enough fats. Can you have a look at her current calory intake wether it is about 30% from fats? That is a lot but they need a lot of fat for brain recovery.

Try to have next weighing blind weighing again if possible. Mamaroo is right, the last kilos were the hardest fight here too and I would have not get that with open weighing I think.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Elibean1
Just adding a hug to the great collective wisdom above - I’m quite new to all this (D diagnosed with ARFID but now showing AN traits too) but have read time and time again how the illness behaves close to WR. Sounds like the most wearing part for them and for us. 

And you you sound like an awesome mum, playing bad cop is exhausting and painful and I think we all know that feeling! 

Xx
Elibean
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Hibiscus
Thank you again.
As predicted D missed school, 2 Days of school now and am not expecting return to school this week. D had severe reaction to idea of supervision of lunch and currently treating me like I am the plague( again) 😔.
She started eating all meals again on Tuesday as she is a prolific writer and reader and was desperate for laptop. But  cried the first day wherever she ate which breaks my heart as I know she is having such a hard time ( internally). I am 
trying not to engage in battles just presenting meals as expected and this works. Still treating me like dirt which reminds me of the early days.
Ironically I spoke to therapist today who suggested backing down on the food!!!!!!! To avoid the power struggle,( she said)  I was a bit shocked and said that I would not do that! 
I had called to cancel and honestly didn’t want to go either when D so emotionally frail. I struggle with idea that as D doesn’t initiate issues, I am left to ‘ tell it like it is’ therefore feeling like I am putting D on spot almost ‘betraying ‘ her or any confidences she shared.  
Husband does not understand that this is important( food and eating regularly)  and has withdrawn which is not helpful for me after an isolated day of hate. He says, at least she was happy..( when on diet) I have suggested he create his own ID and join the forum. He has never truly tried to understand and is not a reader. So I get that. He says he knows is not my fault, but I still feel the blame. He wants an easy life( so do I ) . Am ok, ironically when it ramps up I get calmer. Sure one day I am gonna fall in a heap!! I am ok. Thanks🌺
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Foodsupport_AUS
So hard isn't it when it feels like you are battling on your own. At least we are all behind you. 

There were many times when  it felt as though surely it would be easier and less distressing to her to just not fight, but I know you know that in the long run it just makes the fight harder and longer. She needs the conflict right now to prove to her ED (which is obviously giving her a hard time) that she doesn't have a choice. Hopefully it is a bit of extinction burst. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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tina72
Hibiscus wrote:
Thank you again.
As predicted D missed school, 2 Days of school now and am not expecting return to school this week. D had severe reaction to idea of supervision of lunch and currently treating me like I am the plague( again) 😔.
She started eating all meals again on Tuesday as she is a prolific writer and reader and was desperate for laptop. But  cried the first day wherever she ate which breaks my heart as I know she is having such a hard time ( internally). I am 
trying not to engage in battles just presenting meals as expected and this works. Still treating me like dirt which reminds me of the early days.


So if she is not compliant with supervising meals at school she must eat at home for consequence, there is no other way. We took our d home for lunch for the last year of school as there was no possibility to supervise lunch there. Best decision ever. She needs that now and it is necessary.
Great that she eats although she is treating you so bad. Try to not take that to your heart, I know that is easier said than done, but it is ED that says all the bad things and that hates you and not your d. Your d loves you, I am sure. And she will thank you for what you have done for her in future like mine did.

Hibiscus wrote:
Ironically I spoke to therapist today who suggested backing down on the food!!!!!!! To avoid the power struggle,( she said)  I was a bit shocked and said that I would not do that! 


That is really a STRANGE idea! I am so pleased that you did not listen to that! Go with your gut. You know her best. It is not helping to give in to ED.
 
Hibiscus wrote:
Husband does not understand that this is important( food and eating regularly)  and has withdrawn which is not helpful for me after an isolated day of hate. He says, at least she was happy..( when on diet) I have suggested he create his own ID and join the forum. He has never truly tried to understand and is not a reader. So I get that. He says he knows is not my fault, but I still feel the blame. He wants an easy life( so do I ) . Am ok, ironically when it ramps up I get calmer. Sure one day I am gonna fall in a heap!! I am ok. Thanks🌺


What is that always with the Dads? I do not get why most dads have such a hard time to understand what is going on. They are able to read any manual of an electric machine but cannot read the FBT manual. There are a few dads around like strawdog that really get it and I hope you can get hubby to join us so he can talk to some other dads and share experiences. It helps so much!

Can you please do something nice for yourself to feel not so isolated? Have a friend around for coffee or go to the hairdesser or something else JUST FOR YOU? Please take care of yourself, you are needed there to stand up against ED!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mamaroo
Hibiscus wrote:
 I spoke to therapist today who suggested backing down on the food!!!!!!! To avoid the power struggle,( she said)  I was a bit shocked and said that I would not do that! 

Good onya! Can't believe the therapist said that! Sorry it is so hard now, I found that the months before WR were harder than the initial refeeding months, Just keep on swimming. Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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