F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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goodenoughmum
Hi everyone!

My 15.5 year old d was diagnosed last Aug at 43kg and 5"2", since then we have been using the Maudsley approach to refeeding and have gained 3kg.
As I have read through many threads this illness can turn our children inside out and behave in ways that aren't typical for them. I believe I have referred them as a demonic representations of their former selves.
My experience has been typical of others expressed here around meals.
But I am experiencing similar behaviors outside of meal times. I am constantly told that I have said things when I haven't. Accused of things I haven't done. Her needs (really 'wants') comes first despite other things happening - when she doesn't get what she wants she says I have ruined her night and appears depressed - none of these behaviors were 'normal' for my teen. She was sensitive to others etc
My gut feel though is that I'm dealing with normal teen behaviors with the resentment that comes from me refeeding......
I am really interested in what experiences other have had..............
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Sotired
This has been pretty much 100%of our experience too.im often told I said things when I didn't, I've been shouted and screamed at well outside of meal times...I really don't know what is normal for my ed d anymore.i have another teenage girl,very much a drama queen,but nothing like what I get from my an girl.so maybe some of it is normal,but my experience is all that behaviour is an behaviour.on the upside my d at least wants things now-at her sickest she didn't feel worthy.now she certainly does!
Sotired42
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ed_newbie
All the same experiences here as well. It is the ED talking I am sure of it. Check out the Hall of Fame board. Lots of great examples under the psychological symptoms and parenting sections.

"Lineage, personality and environment may shape you, but they do not define your full potential."    Mollie Marti  

ed_newbie

15 yr old d diagnosed with AN late December 2015 at the age of 12 after a 23 lb weight loss during prior 3 months. Started FBT/Maudsley at home on Christmas Eve with support from amazing local nutritionist specializing in ED and trained in FBT. WR Feb 2016 and pushing our way through puberty and rapid growth.
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Doitagain
Hello Good enough mum - many have experienced this. We were so close we were peas in a pod. . The displeasure that started only at mealtimes evolved into full on hatred of me for a long long time. the dislike started when I stepped in on restricting in a low key way because I didn't know what was going on. The full on war was declared when it became apparent that I would stop at nothing to stop ED taking my daughter. The gloves were off and ED unleashed its fury on me. But... Stick with it. tell her you love her when she is at her worst. Keep telling her. ED will drive a huge wedge between you if you let it, and convince your daughter that her life is terrible, her family just fight with her, ED is her only safe go-to etc etc. It took a long time for me to truly learn this. Don't take it personally, miserable as it can be, it's not her, it's the illness. Yes, my experience was not just at mealtimes for a period it was 24/7. She was thinking of her next meal and how to avoid it and I was thinking of the next meal and how to get it in. Not a recipe for a good relationship when you think of it - poles apart. ED is like a demon with many terrible faces - you are doing ok. Don't expect her to be good going through this. You are pleasesd when she eats a meal she hates it. you are pleased when she gains weight she hates it, you are pleAsed when supervision of the next meal is securely in place, she is furious. To some extent when they are at their worst we have to be at our strongest - the behaviours are like a force that have to be weakened because they just can't sustain if we sustain against them so keep on with what you are doing because you are doing very well in fighting this illness
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formygirl
Thank you for this thread, the timing was perfect. My 15 1/2 year old, approaching WR, has turned disrespectful, surly and just plain nasty. I cannot distinguish what is ED and what is normal teenage angst. We are getting used to being the "worst parents ever", "idiots" etc. Do you discipline for this or assume it is the ED monster and just get through it? When the anxiety ramps up, is it fair to take away her phone or not let her go to a friend's house when she seems to have no control over her behavior? Am I just making excuses for teenage nastiness? Taking away her phone seems to be the one thing that gets her to eat, if we take it away for disrespect, what is her incentive to eat what we give her? 
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goodenoughmum
Hi all,

Thank you for sharing - it helps to know what others experience.
Sotired, ed_newbie and Doitagain you all make perfect sense and provide me with some reassurance.
Formygirl, we struggle with the same questions, the only thing I can say (and it is such a common sentiment here) is that my d was intelligent, respectful, sensitive and loving until 6 months ago - at her lowest weight. She then became disrespectful, insensitive and her world shrunk with anxiety, depression and ED - I can't help but see a correlation.
Well done on being so close to WR - we have at least another 6kg.
Xx
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Rayney
Hi Goodenoughmum, I had a lot of this outside ED when re-feeding, I think it is because I was the tough one, my dd hated me at that time and the anger was present all of the time. It was so hard and I felt I was ruining our relationship and would never get it back.  However now weight restored we have a brilliant close relationship and I feel that I am a mum again and not a food sargeant (as she is eat conforming) that said we still have arguments and moods as I forget sometimes she is a typical teenager.  I think that this is good as it is normal and when I look at her messy room I thank the stars that it is messy as in her worse days she was in bed, depressed, isolating herself and refusing to eat and it was tidy!! It will get better, keep going and good luck.x

17 years old, well into recovery and taking full control of food herself and gaining weight, she's loving life at the minute, it does get better!!
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lorpat
Ditto to all this great advice.  My d is 16 and wr, but we are struggling with phase 2.  Essentially, we are doing some sort of hybrid of phase 2 (I don't even really get it)... but, we had a few steps backwards a few days ago and oh man - you would think the anti-christ possessed her.  She went from two weeks of generally pleasant to unbearable.  She actually threw water from her water bottle in my face while I was driving because we were going out to dinner!!!  It was a nasty scene, but later, we had a nice dinner! - she was very apologetic and it was clear to me that ED wanted me to flip out and drive her home so we could struggle at home to NOT EAT because ED knew I didn't have much food at home.  But, I just pulled into a parking lot and calmly said I would take her home after we ate dinner out - we sat for 45 minutes in the car with her crying most of the time and I just was a calm, persistent broken record "I love you, and we need to eat dinner."  She eventually had dinner.  She wanted badly to not eat and I don't know why or what triggered it.  doing better now???????  I don't get what happens.  Sometimes, I think ED wakes up and decides to give a good effort to get her back just sort of randomly when it senses a weakness ( I did have a weakness - I had no food in the house like I usually do - it was a busy week and  I just didn't make it to the store when I needed to).  But, I did not punish her for that outburst because I saw it as all ED.  It was clearly a response to food and eating and an attempt to entangle me in a power struggle to take my eye off the ball (feeding her).  When she is disrespectful about other stuff or breaks a major non-food rule, we have consequences - this works.  When we take her phone for a normal teen behavior, we still enforce eating with "everything stops" (no tv, no wifi, no phone, no school, no visitors, nothing but bedrest till she is caught up on calories for the day).  We rarely have to do that anymore - but she hates laying in bed or being in her room with no distractions.
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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OneToughMomma
Dear goodenoughmum,

This is, as you have already heard, normal. I would like to add that after WR and on down the track, I now only see angry, 'baiting' behaviours from my d when her anxiety is high or her weight is low. Otherwise she is loving, funny, and one of my dearest friends.

Also, do not underestimate the damage that this behaviour does to you. I copped it for years and now am struggling with some PTSD-type symptoms. See if there is anything you can to to protect your fragile psyche.

XoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Torie
If your d is only up 3 kg from her lowest weight, it's a safe bet her mind is still consumed with/by Ed. Constant horrible messages running nonstop through her mind telling her how fat ugly worthless stupid etc she is. When my d was in that place, I tried to give her every break I could so far as overlooking bad behavior. Your real d just isn't there now, is my guess. You are dealing with a monster.

From time to time, I would lose it with my d despite my best intentions. That's normal too. Regrettable but normal.

Just my two cents to take or leave as suits you best.

Keep swimming.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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goodenoughmum
Hi OneToughMomma and Torie

OneToughMomma - I started to see the affect this was having on me grieving, unable to function, crying all the time, unable to concentrate etc. I have my first visit with a great psychologist next month as I have to make sure I have my face mask on to help her, our other kids, my marriage and full time work. Looking forward to it.

Torie you advice is invaluable - thats exactly what I have been doing its good reassurance - leave the bad behavior as ED has control - thank you all so much for your support.
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