F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Hello all.  Thanks for reading this.  My thoughts are so jumbled right now so I hope this makes sense.  Our 14 year old daughter has been recently hospitalised for restrictive eating.  
She got her period at age 12.  Gained weight , then gained more weight with unhealthy food choices and large portions.  At these well visits her Dr would talk with her about making small changes in her diet to slow down weight gain. 

About a year ago she started taking celery and apples to school for lunch.  Would eat breakfast and then come home and eat a large snack and a good dinner so we weren’t concerned.  To us there was no viable large weight loss.  

Over the summer from about June to August her body shape reduced and changed dramatically.  Her full solid cup bikini top no longer fit her correctly.  You could see right down into the cup. We spend a lot of time in the beach. She wouldn’t eat breakfast and would sometimes eat lunch and always dinner but her foods tastes changed from always eating everything to only eating certain foods as others made her feel nauseous.  ( her words. She never threw up ) 

We would talk to her a good deal about nutrition and what her body needs to grow into a healthy adult.  
She stared high school in late August.  

People noticed her weight loss , friends would comment on it saying she’s anorexic and she would get angry.  She went into school not eating breakfast nor lunch. 

Would come home and eat 2 apples , some other fruit and maybe some crackers.  Then for dinner eat veggies and chicken.  But a small amount of chicken.  

I took her to the dr under the guise of getting a vaccination.  I spoke with him prior and asked for him to address weight loss.  She was angry after that visit, but not at me as she didn’t know I had orchestrated the whole thing.  I used that to continue to talk about nutrition to her and the deficit she was in. As I was “ on her side “ she listened to me and really tried that evening and the next day was out of school as the appt really shook her and I up. So I suggested a chill day and we did shopping , had a great lunch at Panera Bread and good dinner.  but the next day refused breakfast and lunch for school so basically back to square 1.  

The Dr refers us to a private ED programme , my husband and I made an appointment and off we went.  We met with the founder of the programme and they basically told us to find a FBT.  

Went off on my search for one that took our insurance , took new patients under 16 .... ridiculous escapade , so frustrating.  

We found a ED therapist who my husband and I have seen 2 times.  Basically we have to refeed at home. 

We talked to our D , she became angry , denied anything wrong and the same old story continues.  

The director of the ED Clinic at our local well respected children’s hospital here called me and said my D case is alarming to her.  Her weight loss of 148lbs in Feb 2019 to 107lbs in September 2019 is critical.  Heart issues etc.  We made appt for outpatient admittance to programme that was October 22nd 2019.  We told D that we were going to get her checked out.  

During October we tried to be transparent with her about our thoughts but she became super agitated and would run out of the house at night down the road and where we live is dark , cars drive fast , basically dangerous.  , lock her bedroom door and scream and yell at us.  Really angry and very much out of character.  

( She does have an older sister by 2 years and a younger brother in elementary school and we wanted to shield him from as much trauma as we can ) 

So the inpatient   programme was long , she was angry after at us.  Her EKG was bad , poor circulation etc.  
They talked about 3 meals , mum and dad make and you have to eat and work up to 3 snacks   2 food refusals in 24 hrs then go to emergency room. 

My husband and I really were disappointed after this appt as we wanted her to be admitted to their inpatient Hospital programme and voiced our concerns  

So we left there , I said ok we are going for lunch to cafe   She was extremely angry in car   Screaming , kicking , jumped out of car into road and ran into vacant area in city   We called police after an hour of trying to coerce her into car and she kept running away   

At home unmade her lunch , she refused it threw it everywhere   Made her own   Same with dinner. 
The next morning she woke up late for school ( I had her phone so she had no alarm ) and I said breakfast before school, of which was refusal and she left house in the dark again   I called police and asked them to pick up and take to ER   They didn’t and bought her home   She then locked me out of house , her younger brother inside , ripped curtain off , threw trash everywhere , screaming obscenities at me   Her younger brother tacked her , let me in ( he is traumatised from experience)  and I got him ready for school all the while being calm   I had my plan, which I have wanted for weeks now. 

So basically after that fun morning this far, I called the ambulance  to our house to pick up D, which is what we have wanted for a while.  She is now THANKFULLY at the hospital in their inpatient programme since Wednesday evening   

She is compliant with all 3 meals , working up to 2 snacks now. 
Her heart rate is low at night , 40’s and her Ortho static rate jumps to about 120’s when she stands up.
Her blood work has a pretty elevated levels of Erithmecite ( elevated ESR) which maybe linked to auto immune , crohns , celiac although she has no symptoms. She’s on bed rest.  Super compliant and very sweet with everyone she comes into contact with other than my husband and I. She tells us to leave , she hates us etc etc. 

Her medical team are talking about a residential programme for her, due to her jumping out of car, leaving house and being combative towards us. After looking into it I’m really not 100% on board with this method .. bad reviews and not really sure if they are actually what the glossy language makes it out to be. 

My D is still at denial stage after 3 days in hospital . She says she doesn’t find it hard to eat what is provided. She says she doesn’t want to be labelled with anything. She is not opening up about her thoughts to anyone on her medical team. 
She is typically a very sweet kind girl , who avoids conflict and confrontation. Very empathetic , but also is quite private.

If you’ve read this far , then we thank you. We would appreciate your thoughts and please ask more questions. 

Also we are located in Southern New England , USA   


Welcome to the forum.
I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Your story is very common, I am afraid.  You are among those who have been literally where you are now. We hope we can share our experiences so that you may feel supported and learn what may help you help your d. The collective wisdom and kindness here is unprecedented!
We all wish to help in anyway we can. So ask us all you want. 
It sounds like you went through so much to get your child the care they so desperately needed. I am glad she is in hospital and hope they can feed her well to gain a lot while she is there.  As it was only Wednesday since they admitted her, it may be too early to know exactly what the next steps are. I do hope you feel that your team is good ( knowledgeable about Eds)
There are many good programs in the states for residential and I know others will be here soon to offer their experiences. I am in Canada. 
The denial or as we say here Anosognosia is expected. She does not and cannot understand how sick she is. 

At the beginning it is wise to read a lot. Knowledge is power.
This book has been very well thought of. There are so many others as well. 
FEAST-ed.org also has many resources for you to peruse. 

We do care about how you are doing as well. She is safe and in IP and she is being fed and so far seems to be doing well with her eating. That is really great! Take sometime to take care of you- a nap, a cup of coffee/tea, books, music whatever you find that soothes your soul. Also maybe making high calorie meals and freezing them may help you, from a time and efficiency perspective, when she gets home. 
Sending a big hug!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)

Thank you scaredmom for your reply.  

We are trying to educate ourselves about this disease.  I know my story is familiar to many in here and it feels good to share and be understood.  

I read your link on denial , and yes we are definitely there.  It was extremely helpful to gain mental clarity right now.  

I am also enjoying ( strange choice of word! but true) the video of Dr Leanne Barron.  Really educational and just what we need to help with finding our way right now.  

Sending love.  

Welcome to the forum. The first thing of course is to educate yourself as much as possible. As to next steps from here you will be much more aware of what is happening on the ground. There is no doubt that doing FBT is difficult with significant family fall out, but it is an evidence based treatment which has a reasonable chance of success. Inpatient programs can be really helpful, however their long term successes are much harder to work out and they can become a revolving door for some people. Right now what your D needs is consistent food and weight gain, probably most of that 40lb weight loss. Working out how and where that is going to happen is the hard part. You are not fixed to any one option, and many people have tried one thing then moved on to another when they found it was not working for them. 
If you do choose an inpatient option be aware that there will still be a lot of work at home when she is discharged. It does take a long time before they are truly back to normal and well. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.

Welcome to the forum.  I feel rage on your behalf.  

"She got her period at age 12.  Gained weight , then gained more weight with unhealthy food choices and large portions.  At these well visits her Dr would talk with her about making small changes in her diet to slow down weight gain. "

Interrupting adolescent development with any form of restriction is just so dangerous and a high risk activity.  Your d might have lost that weight when she grew a few inches but you won't know now. I am just so very sorry for what has happened to you.  I am glad that she has been diagnosed and is getting the treatment she needs.  Unfortunately it is quite normal for patients to hate their parents as these are the people who are willing to stand up to the ed on the patient's behalf.  It can be very distressing but you should not take it personally.

You have had an awful time with d's violence but good on you for standing up and getting the help that she needs.  Basically you need to get her compliant and putting weight on and then you will be able to consider FBT and refeeding at home.  It is not going to be a walk in the park but if you can get the compliance agreed and the hospital staff support you in telling d that she will need to eat at home as she has eaten in hospital, then you will be off to a good start.  You need that compliance and an understanding of how things will be before she leaves the hospital - not after.

You will get a lot of support from people here on the forum who have been here before you.  It is a horrid horrid illness and takes a lot of stamina to defeat, but it can be done.  
Take care for self-care while she is away.  You will be feeling quite traumatised by her behaviours which all relate to the illness.  But it is still scary and shocking to witness, nevertheless.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.

foodsupport_AUS Thank you for your reply.  We are trying to read what we can , and to be honest I am finding this forum really helpful and without a doubt even more so as our path continues.  

melstevUK Thank you also for your reply.  Yes I am quite upset now with the Dr’s response way back 2 years ago , and more recently his lack of referring us to to the hospital ED clinic that we are now based at.  Preferring,  rather to send us on a blind and stumbling wild goose chase. 

We feel that we have to strongly advocate for our d now , feeling that she has slipped through the cracks so to speak. 

A little tiny positive thing today .....
yesterday we decided to give her space as she has been really still angry and hostile towards us , myself in particular.  My husband called the hospital unit she is on to check on her vitals over night and to see if she wanted a visit from him , she said yes!  He was not met with fanfare nor words , but no bad looks and no abuse.  A plus ! 



Here is my short list for how to quickly educate yourself.

1. Eva Musby's website and book.  https://anorexiafamily.com
2. Tabitha Farrar's The Eating Disorder Recovery podcast

While your d is in hospital, do as much research as can. Your journey so far sounds very common and it can be overwhelming. My advice would be to take the focus off the numbers. Numbers can mislead you and should not be your focus at this stage. Weight restoration (which they will help with in hospital) and supporting your d with eating (which you will learn from the above resources and here) are what you need to focus on right now.
D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
Your d's behaviour is very normal, unfortunately. In addition to the resources already mentioned, I can add Julie O'Toole's book "Give food a chance". It outlines a more structured approach to refeeding and was closest to the experience we had during our treatment here in Perth. Her website also has great blogs. 

I'm glad to hear the visit went as well as can be expected. My d hated her dad and would walk out of the room whenever he was there. Now, she's back to her affectionate self again! Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww