F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Turnbulltj
Good Morning. We are at an early diagnosis stage (1week) with our 13 year daughter with anorexia and OCD (The OCD is not new, that's been around for 3 years)

Our GP has got us an immediate referral to CAMS (child and adolescent mental health servives) and this week we have already had 2 family group sessions and another next Friday.

She has had blood tests and ECG (showing low heart rate). TBH I feel that we have been immediately referred and getting treatment and have the highest degree of respect for our NHS serviced.

Daily it is a nightmare. To see this young girl who has the politest manner, respectful, funny loving life turn into this monster at mealtimes is a total bombshell.

My wife is an absolute rock. Initially she is still dealing with the shock (quietly in our own time she is totally breaking down) but publicly and in front of our daughter she is completely facing this anorexic monster face to face. And winning. So proud.

It is very difficult to see our daughter calling her Mom an f'in twat and f'in shithead, I hate you etc etc is destroying. But we know its the disease not our daughter.

This is my initial post and it's nice just to know and feel that there are other totally blamesless parents going through the same thing.
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Foodsupport_AUS
  Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you have had to find your way here.  This illness takes some getting used to, and it is normal to feel sad, shocked, desperate  and many other feelings at diagnosis. 

It sounds like you are off to a good start with refeeding. If you are getting flak you are over the target.    

Feel free to ask lots of questions. 
If you haven't already read around the FEAST website and look through the Hall of Fame.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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teecee
Welcome from Yorkshire. I’m so pleased you feel supported by CAMHS. I know others here have not received good service but our family were one of the lucky ones and it sounds like you are too.
My D is 16 and has restrictive AN (diagnosed in Feb18). We successfully refed but it does take its toll. Please please look after each other and ensure that both of you get regular, daily ‘me’ time. I stepped up to the plate to baton down the hatches and deal with the An monster that you are experiencing and we are getting back to some normality however I’m feeling burnt out at the moment because I neglected my self care and took on too much to try to keep the family going. Please don’t make my mistake - share the burden and look out for each other.
You’re absolutely right. No one is to blame for our children getting ill. Nor could we predict they would be genetically susceptible to this awful biological brain disease but what I do know is they can and do recover with time, love and food.
Sending you strength and virtual hugs. Xxx
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Mcmum
Welcome from me too. We are relatively new here but you can come a long way in a short time, as you are probably finding. Don't worry that what you are going through now is forever. Your daughter will come back to you bit by bit. It sounds like you've made a great start but it is rather traumatising at first. Why us? How did our family/our child morph into this????
I hope your camhs goes well. Ours has been good but the main work is done by you at home and you are doing the right thing to present as solid a front as you can. This does get easier as you get used to the fact that it's truly not your daughter being so hostile - the real person will come back. You will get better at managing the illness without always feeling beaten up emotionally. Try to take the load off your wife through some meal times if you're not at the minute as these are the most brutal as I'm sure you're finding. Love, time and lots of calorie rich food does actually work. This site is a godsend. I had never written anything on any forum ever until this happened to us, but it's a great source of strength and information. There are people here that can pretty much answer any question you have or at least empathise! Offload here, take it a day at a time, or a meal at a time and don't worry: your family are not alone, it's nobody's fault and it can get better x
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Enn
Hi I welcome you too!
Good for you for such a good start.
I have a concern about the low heart rate: this can be a serious cardiac issue. Has she had orthostatic vitals ie lying and standing BP done? Please ask to get done.
It is a nightmare! And it does get better. At the beginning when others here told me that I had a really hard time believing that. I used to think that no one here or anywhere could or would understand what is going on in my home, as it was crazy stuff. But you know, we all have been there. In the same way you are now. Just take one meal at a time, one bite at a time. Every bite and swallow is a success it is that simple and yet so hard.
Your d is there. Her beautiful self will come back! It take time a lot but in a few weeks or months you will be able to see how much better it gets.

Please ask anything you want. We all want to help.
XXX
Food+more food +time +love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+state not just weight=healing—->recovery(—->life without ED)
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
Hi and a very warm welcome from Germany!
It is great that you found us here, you will get a lot of help here, this forum is a lifesaver.

"Daily it is a nightmare. To see this young girl who has the politest manner, respectful, funny loving life turn into this monster at mealtimes is a total bombshell."
AN is a horrible disease but the good news it is treatable by nutrition and she can recover 100%. So yes, this monster is here now, but you can show him the front door! Read and learn and be that rock and you will get that wonderful young girl back. Not tomorrow and not next week but with every kg she is gaining ED is losing his power and she will come back again.

"My wife is an absolute rock. Initially she is still dealing with the shock (quietly in our own time she is totally breaking down) but publicly and in front of our daughter she is completely facing this anorexic monster face to face. And winning. So proud."
Your wife is doing fantastic. Please send her here around soon. And please try to give her some distraction and some breaks. Carer burnout is a serious thing in FBT treatment. It is a marathon and not a sprint and you need that 110% power for a very long time. So do something nice for yourself and your wife. Regularly.

"It is very difficult to see our daughter calling her Mom an f'in twat and f'in shithead, I hate you etc etc is destroying. But we know its the disease not our daughter."
To be able to seperate that is very important and you can now show compassion to her and be strict like the army with ED. And please tell your wife that is ED who is calling her those names and not your d and she will have a good relationship to her again later and your girl will not even remember what she said in the dark days. She should not take it to her heart although that is difficult, I know.

"The OCD is not new, that's been around for 3 years"
Many ED patients have OCD. It might be caused by malnutrition (sometimes the restricting in fact started a long time before the family recognised it). It might be part of her genetic character. Many ED kids have the same genetic character: highly intelligent, rule bounded, have a drive for order and symmetry, do not like dispute and seek for harmony etc. If you are interested in the biochemical processes in her brain read "Decoding anorexia" by Carrie Arnold.

Ask, ask, ask. Come here to vent if needed. We are all here to help you. 24/7. We have all been in your shoes. You are not alone. ED is a treatable disease and FBT is the best you can do for her. Food, food, food. And distraction. And food. [wink]
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Turnbulltj
Thankyou so so much to all who have taken the time to read and respond.

It is an absolute godsend to know there is somewhere to go to vent, share experiences, ask questions or just be told you are not alone.

I know that I/We will be frequenting the forum and hopefully one day in the future, we can be the ones sharing our positive experience of how we came through and won the battle.

Good Night for now and Thankyou xx
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canadamom12
I honestly could have written this post myself.  It's comforting and yet also horrifying that we all share so many experiences.
I am only 2 weeks into this with 11yo D. My heart has shattered into a million pieces so many times.  It sounds like you and your wife are working as part of a solid team, which is so great and provides such a stable environment. Thus far my husband has been a great strength for me too.
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sk8r31
Such a steep learning curve, most especially at the beginning of the ED family journey.  There is such a depth and breadth of wisdom on the forum from parents/carers all over the world.

Hang in there, read as much as you can, and hang onto the hope that one day you will be writing words of support to others.  Recovery is most definitely possible.

Sending warm support,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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