Registered: 1501512470 Posts: 1
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I am new to ATDT and have been searching the archives and reading posts for a few weeks. Brave enough to post now. My D is 14 and has just been diagnosed with AN. I had suspected for a while but she finally opened up to me just over a month ago. That was immediately followed by a week abroad which was slightly hellish for both her and I. Once home we immediately went to to Gp who was amazing and swiftly referred us to Camhs. We had our first appointment last week and are back at the end of this week to find out their suggestions for a treatment plan, and have an appointment with a dietitian next week. She is not eating anywhere near enough but has reluctantly started eating 3 times a day after the Dr at camhs said to, but is nowhere near the calorific level they want. I am hoping they will help with this once we get into proper treatment but we'll see. I am struggling with the cost of the foods she wants. There are a lot of fads she goes through. Raw food bars, berries, wraps, veggies, granola, nut milks that are outside of what I would normally buy. Cooking for myself and my younger child (their dad and i are separated) is feeling a nightmare even though atm because she is dealing with her food herself (I know that will have to change but for now it gets her eating even the little she is) so i don;t have to have the stress and tantrums of "i can't eat that, i don't like that " etc, I already feel so jaded . I was wondering if this is common? As it happens I had an eating disorder as a young adult but never received professional help and while I gained weight and definitely rid myself of the AN thoughts, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and am over weight now and very much comfort eat. Atm I seem to be finding that juggling her needs with my usual pattern has made me self regulate a bit better but it's still a consideration. Sorry if this is disjointed. I am waffling as i think of things.
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 4,990
Reply with quote #2
Welcome. Sorry you needed to join us here in this club no one wants to be a member of. You said, "She is not eating anywhere near enough but has reluctantly started eating 3 times a day after the Dr at camhs said to, but is nowhere near the calorific level they want. I am hoping they will help with this once we get into proper treatment but we'll see.
I am struggling with the cost of the foods she wants. There are a lot of fads she goes through. Raw food bars, berries, wraps, veggies, granola, nut milks that are outside of what I would normally buy. Cooking for myself and my younger child (their dad and i are separated) is feeling a nightmare even though atm because she is dealing with her food herself (I know that will have to change but for now it gets her eating even the little she is) so i don;t have to have the stress and tantrums of "i can't eat that, i don't like that " etc, I already feel so jaded . I was wondering if this is common?" It isn't your read d who wants to eat these things - it is her illness. Most find it is best for the parent to be responsible for meal planning, shopping, cooking, plating ... the sufferer's only job is to eat what is served. That is not always possible, but it is usually a good goal to work toward. Oh, and it is best to keep your d out of the kitchen while you prepare meals. That makes it easier to add rapeseed oil, double cream, and butter to her portions so that she gets plenty of calories without creating a mountain of food. If you stir the rapeseed oil in vigorously to things like yogurt and soup, it will disappear without changing texture or flavor. You can experiment to see how much you can add to a serving. Please feel free to ask all the questions you like. xx -Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡
Registered: 1438737617 Posts: 1,526
Reply with quote #3
Welcome and glad you were brave enough to post. I hope you post often.
I am struggling with the cost of the foods she wants. T
I hear you on that one. My daughter at one point ate out at restaurants but not at home. Needless to say, I couldn't sustain eating out every single meal!!! I would simply feed her the way you always have. The fads are ED behavior and yes while it is easier to give in rather than deal with the stress and tantrums, in the long run you are not really getting very far. I told my daughter that I didn't want to hear the complaining, etc. and shut down those conversations early on. If she persisted, I simply said "This is what we are going to eat. Sorry it is not what you want but it is what you need" and then I ignored any other comments. At one point if she continued, I'd put on my headphones with my ipod to block it out. Sounds extreme but it was the only way to shut down those conversations. Giving into those tantrums and arguments just feeds the ED and makes things worse. It seems so counter intuitive (kid is hurting so you want to comfort her) but it simply feeds the anxiety and makes the tantrums worse. I'm so glad you got help so fast. You are doing amazing!!!
Registered: 1284535839 Posts: 3,649
Reply with quote #4
Welcome to the forum. Sorry that you have had to find your way here.
If you haven't already I would suggest reading the FEAST family guide series about eating disorders here. This will give you even more information about the need to try not to listen to your D's ED voice and thoughts. It is great that she has started eating more regularly but it sounds as though she really needs to eat a lot more. As the others have suggested giving in to special foods is really just accommodating the eating disorder. It is tempting to wait for help, and hope that they are going to be able to get things happening for you, however given you are in the UK with a 14 year old you are almost certainly going to be offered a form of FBT. This will leave you in charge of re-feeding your D. The good part is that this is the treatment that has the highest success rate, but it does mean that you need to face her eating disorder head on and deal with the push back that will happen. This old post http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/show_single_post?pid=1270585787&postcount=1#gsc.tab=0 has some great advice about getting started on re-feeding. It also has some great links too, though some are broken. __________________ D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Registered: 1185889110 Posts: 5,954
Reply with quote #5
Just chiming in with the support. Cheering for you as you absorb this difficult diagnosis and make your plan on how to respond. The learning curve is steep, but necessary. There are so many things we assume and believe about eating and weight that we have to unlearn when our kids get an eating disorders. SO MUCH of what we think we know turns out to be almost opposite of the current science. And, unfortunately, a lot of what you're going to hear from people -- even from some professionals -- is outdated. I just want to send you a hug, parent to parent, and assure you that you CAN do this, and that what YOU do is really powerful and can make the difference. You are a loving parent and that is the most powerful force on earth, if you ask me. So get all the information you can, re-check all your assumptions, gather your courage, and know that everyone here on this forum "gets it" and there's a great deal of wisdom and experience here to help you along the way!
__________________ Laura (Collins) Lyster-Mensh F.E.A.S.T. Outreach Director
Registered: 1452437794 Posts: 2,208
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Welcome from Dublin, So Sorry you are here. Here is my advice.Separate your Daughter from her illness. You prepare all meals. Do not allow your D to shop or decide on groceries or meals.
Do not allow your D in the kitchen whilst you are making the meals. It is your job to decide, prepare and plate the meal. Your D's only job is to eat it.
She comes to the table and “LSUYE” life stops until you eat, take phone ,tablet,internet or whatever Leverage you have away, until the entire meal is eaten kitchen during meal prep. Detach yourself from the situation at mealtime and stay strong. Sit and supervise every meal every bite.Do not enter into negotiation with her anorexia.
After the meal, if you suspect purging, sit with her fore 2 hours after. Bathroom is only allowed before a meal. All sport may need to stop in the early stages, and if she compulsively exercised this could be long term.
Read up on as much information as you can get on this vile illness. __________________ Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
Registered: 1452437794 Posts: 2,208
Reply with quote #7
__________________ Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
Registered: 1475926564 Posts: 33
Reply with quote #8
Hi. I just wanted to say that we also struggled with the cost and lack of availability of the ever-more-crazy products my then 14 yr old daughter would eat. But at that time we believed it was just a fad and did not realise that she was ill and so it went on for months. Everything from expensive nut butters, chia seeds, egg substitutes, Manuka honey (until she refused this too) and much more.
It all came to an end when the restriction turned into complete refusal of food and drink which was a blessing in disguise as only then did we find out the extent of the illness and could seek treatment. Fast forward a very difficult 18 months and my daughter is now doing brilliantly. No longer vegan, no longer forced by the ED to eat only certain foods, and is well over her target weight. She did need a 3 month inpatient stay that for her was literally life-changing and without it I don't think we would be where we are now.
Just to add I live in London and I'd be very happy to meet up for a chat if it would be helpful.
Registered: 1268143852 Posts: 1,395
Reply with quote #9
Dried and fresh fruit. Arranged meticulously on a plate. It would take my son AGES just to arrange it, let alone eat it. And, yes, it was expensive. Plus all the 'wasted stuff' that I bought to try and get him to put on weight but which he refused to eat. Back then I made the mistake of allowing him to come to the supermarket with me. What should have been quick visit would take HOURS as he picked stuff up off the shelf, examined the nutritional content and then put it down again. Or he'd pick something out of the trolley and run back to the shelf where he'd got it. And at the checkout, there were more casualties. It was a horrible experience. And he'd insist on certain brands rather than the supermarket equivalent because the nutritional content was different (less calories, less fat...) Been there, done it... Wish I'd been stronger at the time, but back then I didn't really know what we were doing with.
So expensive, though. __________________ Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.