F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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salmy Show full post »
ValentinaGermania
I personally would love to read that recipe although we are not refeeding any more...😛
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sandie
Yes me too. Xx
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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kkhrd

Almond Flour Waffles (makes 10 waffles)

 

Ingredients

1 2/3 cup almond flour

1/2 cup tapioca flour

1/3 cup dry milk powder

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup whole milk or half and half

1/4 cup pure maple syrup or honey

8 TB butter melted

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

 

Preheat a waffle iron. 

In a large bowl, whisk together the dry ingredients: almond flour, tapioca flour, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. 

Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients: milk, maple syrup, melted butter, eggs, and vanilla extract. Whisk to combine all the ingredients (and beat the eggs). Let the batter rest for about 5-10 minutes, then give the batter a stir and proceed on... 

Spray the waffle maker with oil

The amount of batter you'll need to make one waffle will depend on your waffle maker. For my waffle maker, I use 1/3-1/2 cup of batter per waffle. Pour the batter into the waffle maker, close the lid, and cook the waffle for a few minutes (on each side if your waffle maker flips). 

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kkhrd
these can also be made pancakes, but you need to thin out the recipe with more milk or they become too dense.
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salmy

I’m making threats of consequences and then not following through. Her resistance makes me question myself and second guess what I’ve said. This part makes me feel like I’m losing my marbles! Today, she went to track, even though we said no. I’ve already called the coach this evening and said absolutely no future practices. When she got in the car at 4:30 I handed her a bar and said, there will be an after dinner snack tonight because you’ve burned too much fuel instead of giving your body that fuel to heal it. Fast forward 2 hours to dinner- she ate chili with toppings, and the challenge food (a sweet corn muffin) after about 30 minutes of sitting in my lap with daddy beside us and watching The Grinch. This was a huge win. Sweets are so scary for her right now- curiously though, her morning smoothie is creamy sweet and that does not bother her (yet, ha!). After dinner she wanted to have a dance party to make herself feel happy after the really hard thing of eating the muffin. Her body dysmorphia wants to kick her butt for eating unsafe foods. I relented - 2 songs. Then we went outside to throw snowballs. Daddy came  outside  and the two of them started playing tag(more precious calories burned). It’s hard to balance letting move some and experience joy and keeping our thumb on her. It gets weird because of the messaging we received at the beginning of all this: pediatrician said “this is a good weight for you, don’t lose anymore”. The first ED clinician we saw said after I mentioned FBT to her “I think she can work this out by herself.” Sometimes I think am I making this up? They said she’s fine. So, we came inside, I made a half smoothie and said drink and sit with dad. Then, if you don’t drink your phone is gone. Then, also, your door is gone. At this point it was 9... I never should have set those consequences when I knew the likelihood of her actually eating was pretty much nonexistent. After a 10 minute stand off (not long, I know but I was feeling that the ED consequences of eating that late would override those calories going in. I knew I didn’t have the stamina to go rounds and deal with knives and craziness for the next 2 hours. So I relented.... I put the smoothie in the fridge, and
told her to go sit on the couch and watch the movie with daddy. And here she sits- actually full on reclining on daddy....

I’m wondering if you all set a plan of consequences before you get into the heat of the moment? I think that’s something I’m going to need to do so I don’t keep saying stuff and then not following through... threats have never been terribly effective with her... Is there any way I can use positive things to motivate her? I also know I’m a attack all the things at once person, and maybe I just need to pick one battle? Like, maybe I just need to think about what the most important objective is in the moment... here it truly was for her to sit and be still. she has really
been doing a nice job eating everything I’ve put in front of her the last few days- including the challenge foods each day. Is this also something you’ve done or would you have stuck to your guns on all fronts? I’m also realizing that fighting ED is more than amazingly strong parenting- it takes being bullheaded and refusing to negotiate at all times. There should be a word for this like parenting x 1,000,000 or ultra parenting or something to describe the level of “on-ness” needed to fight ED. 

💕

D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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Foodsupport_AUS
When setting consequences for not eating, ideally yes have them spelled out well ahead of time. Never in the heat of the moment. Ideally they should be natural consequences - that is you have not eaten so you cannot do the next thing you would want to do within the limitations that they have for health and safety.. Phones are such a big part of our world now I think this is why they are so often mentioned. Once eating has resumed however they go back to where they were, that is it is not a punishment it is a consequence. 
So the door to a room goes because of behaviour like - looking themselves in the room, refusing to come out, exercising in their room. In this case it may stay off for some time until you think the compulsion is gone.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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MKR
Hi @salmy ,

I like your success with sitting down, well done.

I totally agree with the dilemma of having a nice time vs ED overstepping the boundary. We had seen those little tricks with our daughter, too.

Yes, set out consequences in advance.  You can check the template for a contract in Word in one of my earlier replies to a post, with the "Behaviour-Aim-Reward-Consequence" model. Yours would be simplified at this stage, I guess, tackling the most pressing behaviours, like more sitting and finishing meals.

Keep in touch with the coach, who should check with you guys for a green light. 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Torie
Hi Salmy, we call it hero parenting.  It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. 

It was very brave of you to post your recent message.  Thank you for trusting us.

I remember the early days when my mind was spinning, and I could not - did not - believe how serious this was and how drastically I would need to change my (formerly easy-going and democratic) parenting style.

What snapped my head around was learning that eating disorders are the deadliest mental illnesses with mortality rates comparable to childhood cancer.  And that we are our kids' best hope for full and lasting recovery.  And that the experts recommend 6 months without ED symptoms in order to be able to go off to college.  And that our parental authority erodes with every passing year, month even.

Sorry if I am scaring you.  I don't mean to do that - I mean to pass along the information I learned here that strengthened my spine so that I could drag my d back up the rabbit hole.

I think it is a great idea to think about requirements and consequences (as well as rewards) during a calm and private time.  (Well, as calm as times can be when standing in a sea full of sharks during a lightning storm.)   You will learn mental discipline and get really good at biting your tongue; you will also get really good at girding your loins and following through on those consequences that you know in your heart your d needs.

When you are ready to put your plan into action, you may want to sit down with your d and tell her you have made a mistake by stating consequences and not following through.  That you are sorry you made this mistake because she NEEDS you to follow through, and you are going to do your best to turn over a new leaf on this.  For her.

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to follow through.  Some people here are really strong and tough, but I am a marshmallow.  But even I was able to learn (here) how to imitate a brick wall.  (There is a good post about exactly that, somewhere.)

I also cannot tell you how happy I was that I had done that when, a few years later, she was able to go off to university.  Recovery takes a long time.  A really long time - much longer than anyone here wanted or expected.

I cannot tell you what to do or how to prioritize your goals.  What I CAN tell you is that now is the time.  These are precious, precious final years with your d under your watchful eye.  She will never need you like she needs you now.

I rarely speak so sternly, and I apologize if that is too much.  The last thing I want to do is add to your burden.  But I have a sense that can do this - that you will do this - that you will wrestle this demon to the mat and drag your d back home.

Please be kind to yourself.  It's true what they say that you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else.  And please know that we are with you in spirit. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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MKR
Thumbs up from another marshmallow! 

It broke my heart to say No to the school camp, to make my D her quit her team, to have her picture on all the school sports facilities as a persona non grata. Because she meant well, but the illness wanted to destroy her.

And it worked! My D was really motivated after the ban. It was not until our ED therapist months later gave us a sign that we eased off.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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sandie
Great idea to be really clear about consequences in advance. I have been totally guilty of coming up with consequences in heat of moment and very hard not to heap on consequence after consequence which you have no hope of implementing when child being defiant/ rude/aggressive/ refusing to give up phone etc, and situation escalating as result. 

We found useful for H and I to agree consequences and write in contract. We added line about if consequence not accepted by child, there would be further consequence. 
Another tip is if a consequence involves removing phone, make it clear how child can get phone back. We found removal of phone better to use for management of poor behaviour and did not use for food. And I have recently reflected that for us, I think it will work better to take phone for short period of time like 2 hours than what I might ordinarily do as defiance here can quickly turn into food refusal.

i watched a great presentation that someone here recommended from a dr making the point about needing to have consequences if child not eating but that this is not punishment, it is about the need to conserve energy. It worked here for us to use school/ outings eg if you don’t eat everything you are supposed to today, you can’t go to school tomorrow. I think it depends what stage your child is at to find out what consequence will work and I think this can change over time with child also. 

We still find effective to link eating with a motivation like finish your snack and then we will help with homework. We have found that this can cause initial outburst but if desire for help with homework strong, that D will eventually finish snack. This is a useful immediate “positive” consequence. 

Just one one other thing, we have definitely found need to give extra energy before an activity than to present afterwards.

good luck and it would be great to hear what you find works for you xxxxx
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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ValentinaGermania
"I’m making threats of consequences and then not following through. Her resistance makes me question myself and second guess what I’ve said. "

This is what we need to learn. To announce a consequence and then follow that no matter what happens. It is like having a small toddler again. You cannot forbid something with a 2 year old and allow it in the next minute or you will not be taken serious. It is very important that ED learns that he needs to take you serious.

"Today, she went to track, even though we said no."

So question from me is, how did that happen and how can you avoid that happen again. How did she get there? By bike? Then make the tires flat. By bus? Then take away her ticket. By feet? Then lock the front door or lock away her shoes. I can not imagine she will go on track on socks. ANYTHING that is needed to avoid that ED behaviour. Be creative 🙂!

"Daddy came  outside  and the two of them started playing tag(more precious calories burned)."

This should not happen again. You and hubby must be on same page.

" The first ED clinician we saw said after I mentioned FBT to her “I think she can work this out by herself.”

This is no real ED specialist and this is a ridiculous reply. If they could work this out by themselves we ALL would not be here!

"Sometimes I think am I making this up? They said she’s fine. So, we came inside, I made a half smoothie and said drink and sit with dad. Then, if you don’t drink your phone is gone. Then, also, your door is gone. At this point it was 9... I never should have set those consequences when I knew the likelihood of her actually eating was pretty much nonexistent. After a 10 minute stand off (not long, I know but I was feeling that the ED consequences of eating that late would override those calories going in. I knew I didn’t have the stamina to go rounds and deal with knives and craziness for the next 2 hours. So I relented.... I put the smoothie in the fridge, and told her to go sit on the couch and watch the movie with daddy. And here she sits- actually full on reclining on daddy...."

You see from her reaction on that simple smoothie that you are not making anything up and that she is not fine. A kid that is fine would have drunk that smoothie. With no problems at all. It is normal to drink a smoothie if mum offers one.
I fear you will need to find the power to fight that through. Lock away those knives and you will not have to deal with that. ED learned from that that it only needs a 10 min stand off to avoid that smoothie. We sat one day for about 20 hours at the table to get the food in. Stella needed to sit with her son up to 2 a.m. The next morning he asked her "would you have sit with me the whole night if needed?" And she said "YES, for sure!" and then he smiled at her. A reliefed smile...

Consequence and incentives are the key. Tell her before what is the plan: "we are going to have that snack at 3 p.m. and after you finished it we can go and see the neighbours puppy". So then if she cannot get that incentive it is EDs fault...🙂. If you need to announce consequences do that ahead and use always the same consequence, then you will not need to renew that announcation every day. ED will learn that not finishing breakfast will mean no school.




Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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kkhrd
We've all been there Salmy, we all have the best intentions, but this is so very hard and ED is the worst kind of monster, evil and manipulative, sneaky and subversive.  These are not actions of your sweet D, the one that curls up with Daddy on the couch, this is ED.  It can be so hard to separate the disease from the child, but once you do, you can be a little less heart felt and a little more levelheaded.  I personally was an emotional disaster at the start of this, but now with the unfortunate repetitive experience under my belt, ED pretty much knows not to deal with me.  It took a lot of time to get there believe me, so please don't beat yourself up, the sad reality is that you will have many more chances to challenge ED and win.  

I agree with the Sandie and Tina's advice, snack before any activity, my D was only allowed to do an activity if she was properly nourished before hand.  If she really wants to, for example, go to the mall with her girlfriends, she must first have an extra large cookie.  If ED doesn't let her eat it, that becomes the consequence.  My D would completely combust, if she didn't get to do whatever the activity was, for her school was the biggest incentive, but this is the only way that ED learns and the only way that things begin to improve.  

ED is testing, and you are learning, keep firm and it gets easier.  Hugs xox
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