F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Indy Show full post »
AUSSIEedfamily
Dear Indy,

Wlecome here although sorry you have had to find us.

There is a huge amount of experience and skill to draw on from on this forum and in the F.E.A.S.T website resources.

I am fortunate that my D is now recovered. Please take the advice of those on here that have refed their child in a similar age to yours.

Some sayings I learnt from here are "FOOD IS MEDICINE", Life Stops Untill You Eat", "When You Are Taking Flack You Are On Target"

If you look up Mamabear's posts you can get some ideas on how much you may need to feed your D each day

Most important is that you & your W are on the same page and always united in the fight. If you have different ideas & thoughts never ever discuss them infront of your D as her ED will exploit any opportunity to use that difference between you & your W and set about doing its divide and conquor triangulation/splitting/separation tatics.

Another post you might read are those of "meadow" who was really struggling with getting her 8 year old to eat and made losts of posts about how hard it was and how she & her H struggled and had not much help form her local CAHMS service. After many posts and saying how this forum help she reveal she was a trained/qualified child psychologist who had done her thesis on Eating Disorders. So even the trained and qualified psychologists have learnt how to handle an eating disorder in the home from this very forum.


ED Dad
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Torie
Indy wrote:
I have shut down to a point I hardly talk just to keep peace and so I don't say anything to offend anyone. My wife and I are now butting heads beacuse I continuously see her still losing weight week after week and I can no longer take it and feel I need to intervine without rupturing whats left of our family and marriage.


Indy, I'm so sorry your family has been dumped into the nightmare that is ED.  Yuck.  It is so very hard on each person individually and all the relationships.  It sounds like you are near your limit, and the most important thing is to make sure you don't get pushed past that point.

One of the many things that really sucks about this vile illness is that everyone ends up feeling blamed (usually because everyone IS being blamed by someone) even though in reality NO ONE is to blame.  I would urge you, first, not to let anyone blame you, and to avoid blaming anyone else.  Blame is just toxic and no help to anyone.

Your precious d needs BOTH her mom and her dad.  You all need each other.  ED is hateful, unpleasant, and destructive.  That is not your d - it is the illness.  If you read around the forum, you will quickly notice how horribly ED-kids treat their parents - try to let it roll off you like water off a duck's back.  Impossible, I know, but with practice, you can come closer and closer to that.  There is so much shame with this illness, and I'm sure your real d is mortified by her words and actions.

Please feel free to ask all the questions you like. 

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Indy
My w and I talked for awhile last night about our d and ed. I am going with them next week to see the therapist (which is a family therapist) and the nutritionist. She does see a gp as well that has been checking her bp, hr, and weight. She does have a meal plan, my w keeps it logged on her phone I believe. She is doing 3 meals and 3 snacks a day although we talked about adding into her meals beacuse I feel the portions are still almost snack size. Thanks for the suggestion on Ensure! We went to the store last night and bought some weight gainer and ensure to mix into some of her cereals, oatmeal, and other foods.
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scaredmom

Many of us have used heavy whipping cream (adding that where milk would be used), I added cream to her yogurt, and"Milk" that way a 130 cal glass of milk could be closer to 200. Oil to pasta sauce, extra butter, cheese to everything. When you get to giving her meat, I would fry even the ground beef in oil. 

I aimed for 1000 cal meals and 500+ cal snacks. My D needed 4000+ up to 4500 cal to gain properly. You will find the higher cal foods at the store. We all become very adept at label reading. Even a regular loaf of bread, depending on the brand there are higher calorie options. ie less than 100 cal or higher than that. Some have bought fresh bread that is not sliced and then they cut into larger slices.


If she has ice cream, buy Ben and Jerrys' or Haagen Daz, those have 540 cal per cup..
Really, where there is a will, there is a way. 

You will get there,
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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tina72
Just wanted to add that family therapy and family based therapy (FBT) is not the same. Ask the therapist what kind of therapy is offered. Family therapy is often seaking for underlying issues and blaming parents for the ED and that is not up to date science any more. The therapist should help YOU with refeeding and tell your d to eat what you serve, nothing more. AN patients often do not need any therapy as their behaviour is just caused by malnutrition and no other "problems".

We also aimed for 500 calories each meal and 300-400 each snack. Make the fight worth it, she will complain about anything you serve so better she gets in more than less.

And normally it is not needed that the patient sees a nutritionist, it is in most cases not at all helpful to discuss intake and calories in front of the patient and I would stop that asap.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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scaredmom
I agree with tina72 about the therapist. 
Do you have a ED specialist team? That is what you should have and an ED specialist pediatrician. Many GP's and even some specialists have no ED training or understanding. 
Also nutritionists are not the same as dieticians from the degree perspective and professional regulations.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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scaredmom
Just a question, who diagnosed her and does she had RAN? That is not clear from your first post.
Just thinking about the medical support you have in place right now.

XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Indy
Hi tina, it is fbt so that is a plus! She is seeing a specialist that works solely with kids with ed. Sorry, not familier with the term RAN yet. Good questions and observations, I am green with anything medical related so bare with me! My w of course has a bachelor in healthcare admin so I have been leaning on her throughout all of this.
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Indy
Today we started subsituting and she didn't notice! We gave her half a bottle of ensure in her oatmeal instead of almond milk and she didnt complain. Like you all said, every little calorie in is a gain!
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tina72
Indy wrote:
Hi tina, it is fbt so that is a plus! She is seeing a specialist that works solely with kids with ed. Sorry, not familier with the term RAN yet. Good questions and observations, I am green with anything medical related so bare with me! My w of course has a bachelor in healthcare admin so I have been leaning on her throughout all of this.


RAN = restrictive anorexia nervosa

If it is FBT I really do not understand why you as the dad was excluded from appointments. That is unusual for FBT. Normally they gather the whole family to help!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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tina72
Indy wrote:
Today we started subsituting and she didn't notice! We gave her half a bottle of ensure in her oatmeal instead of almond milk and she didnt complain. Like you all said, every little calorie in is a gain!


That is great! Keep going and think about where you can add more. Make the fight worth it!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Indy
Quick update and good news. My d gained 3.2 lbs this past week! This is the first gain in the last six months so it is a HUGE win for us! At least we know we are on the right track and I also understand that this won't happen every week but it is a grest feeling.
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uccellinika
Another great book for both of you ( mom and dad) to read Is Off the C.U.F.F. by Duke University. Great resource that explains how the ED works and How to combat it in an effective, firm but loving way. Was a great resource for us when we found out our daughter was restricting 4 months ago. Praying for you and your family!
Kim

15yD, restricted for 7 weeks, 4months in, weight restored but mentally still not there
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uccellinika
Just read your last post!!! That is excellent! Keep it up Warriors!
Kim

15yD, restricted for 7 weeks, 4months in, weight restored but mentally still not there
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uccellinika
sorry for so many posts in a row but You should absolutely be included in all appointments if you can make them. You helped create your daughter so you should help in fighting for her life. 
Kim

15yD, restricted for 7 weeks, 4months in, weight restored but mentally still not there
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Indy
Hi uccellinika, thanks for the book information on the book. The only place I could find it was to order it online. Pretty cheap though. I agree and am getting more involved with my d.
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tina72
Congrats on the weight gain!!! Yeah! Keep on going!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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