F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Indy
Hi all, I am new to this forum and new to the life of ED. My daughter is about to turn 12 and I am at a complete loss. My wife and her have been going to see a therapist and nutritionist and I have been, for the most part, excluded from the events. I believe mostly because I am a male and she feels more comfortable being with mom instead of dad. Another part is probably due to my blunt and straightforward personality and I think she feels I will be too judgemental. Either way, this has taken a toll on my daughter mentally and physically. She has went from 120 lbs to around 80 lbs. Every little thing I say or do is now magnified and twisted to be something bad as her sensitivity level has tripled over the kast few months. I have shut down to a point I hardly talk just to keep peace and so I don't say anything to offend anyone. My wife and I are now butting heads beacuse I continuously see her still losing weight week after week and I can no longer take it and feel I need to intervine without rupturing whats left of our family and marriage. Any advice from other dads and how they cope with this would greatly be appreciated. I'm not coping well at all and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to.
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Kali

Dear Indy,

Welcome to ATDT. I'm not a dad, but I'm sure there will be some along soon to tell you how they coped. And I can give you my wish list for what I might think, as a mom, would be helpful support from a partner in this situation. 

One thing I might recommend is for you to learn as much as you can about the disorder. I know it is frustrating to see your daughter lose so much weight. She may need a higher level of care if she is 80lbs and still losing weight and has lost 40lbs already, that is significant since it is a third of her body weight. Has that been recommended by the team? What sort of treatment are they recommending? Is she being monitored medically by an md to check her heart rate and electrolytes? How much is she eating and if she doesn't eat do you and your wife have a plan B about what to do in that case?

How can you support your wife? Can you do some of the shopping, help pay for a cleaning person in the house so that you and your wife have more time to address the illness and have some down time for yourselves to relax, learn how to become a good meal support for your daughter, attend any family therapy sessions you may be invited to and generally keep the atmosphere at home as conflict free as possible? That means joining forces with your wife to make sure that you and she present a united front against the illness and in support of your daughter. Any disagreements should not be aired in front of your daughter but privately between you and your wife. Consider that your daughter has a life threatening illness and keep any criticisms of your daughter or her behavior to yourself for the time being. Consider that she did not ask for this illness and it is not a choice. I know this sounds like a lot to take in but I think that these things can go a long way towards creating a nurturing place to help your daughter get well.

Here are a couple of books I would recommend if you have not already read them:

When your teen has an eating disorder by Dr. Lauren Mulheim.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Teen-Eating-Disorder/dp/1684030439

Anorexia and other eating disorders by Eva Musby *has helpful practical advice about how to get a child to eat.
https://www.amazon.com/Anorexia-other-Eating-Disorders-compassionate/dp/0993059805

Decoding Anorexia by Carrie Arnold: explains some of the science behind the disorder.
https://www.amazon.com/Decoding-Anorexia-Breakthroughs-Science-Disorders/dp/0415898676/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1546219590&sr=1-1&keywords=carrie+arnold

warmly,

Kali

 

Food=Love
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HanginthereDad

Hey there Dad,
I'm a Dad too and also of a 12 year Daughter, one of twin girls.  She too lost a lot of weight and was down too just under 80 lbs.  This was last spring.  After finding good local experts (we are lucky to live in the NYC area with plenty of great resources)  We are using the Maudsley Approach which is Family Based Therapy plus an individual therapist for my daughter.  She is Weight Restored (almost) but as everyone says it is a marathon not a sprint.    My daughter is no were near recovered, but we do have faith it will happen.  She is still very fearful of all food and is not able to eat on her own.  She can't even hold a utensil.
Kali the moderator has given you some great advice and resources.  Hang in there.  I know what you are going through.  Feel free to write me.  

HanginthereDad

HanginthereDad
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Mamaroo
Hi Indy, and welcome to the forum, sorry you need to be here.

Here is a dad who posts here: AUSSIEedfamily - here is his latest post: 
https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/more-about-recovery-and-hope-and-that-they-dont-remember-the-hard-bleep-stuff-9958857?pid=1306575137#gsc.tab=0

My h is also very much like you, direct and to the point and don't have much patience with all the emotional stuff. My d totally withdrew from him, she would not talk to him, give him hugs or even be in the same room as him. But it was actually ED (eating disorder) who disliked him, because ED knew he was strict and had zero tolerance towards any restriction behaviour. It took me a while before I got the right idea and started to challenged ED as well. But today my d is recovered and as close to her dad as before ED. This illness is very hard on dads, because they have a fit-it mentality and ED takes a very long time to fix, unfortunately. 

I have to correct you though, you said: "I believe mostly because I am a male and she feels more comfortable being with mom instead of dad. Another part is probably due to my blunt and straightforward personality and I think she feels I will be too judgemental. Either way, this has taken a toll on my daughter mentally and physically. She has went from 120 lbs to around 80 lbs."
You did not cause her weight loss, I'll say it again, YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER EATING DISORDER.

Anorexia is a genetic, metabolic disorder related to diabetics and schizophrenia ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28494655  and https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2828778/). If your d had type 1 diabetics, you would not think that you caused it. Same with cancer, so ED is no different. It is sad that during the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's the idea that families cause eating disorders went mainstream and it is still so hard to get that stupid idea out of the general public's mind. Even more infuriating is that doctors and therapist also believe that outdated idea. My gp refused to monitor my d because according to him she needed to "talk". My d recovered by eating and not talking. 

Here are some tips:

1) Separate the illness from the patient. Just like a cancer patient is a person with cancer and hasn't cause the illness nor has it because it is the only way to 'control' her life, your d has anorexia, she didn't wake up one day and decided to restrict, because of something you did (puberty is known to trigger the illness as in my d's case). Here is a good article on it: 
http://www.ceed.org.au/sites/default/files/resources/documents/Externalisation%20from%20the%20Eating%20Disorder%20August%202016.pdf

2) Know how starvation looks like. A lot of symptoms of anorexia are actually symptoms of starvation. Are you familiar with the Minnesota semi starvation experiment? Here are some excellent links: 
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/minnesota-starvation-experiment and 
https://archive.org/stream/MenAndHunger#mode/2up. Most of what you see in your d is due to starvation, the emotional bluntness and aloofness, the irritability and the way she eats her food. Starvation causes anxiety, depression, ocd behaviour and the need for a strict routine. A starved brain is a stressed brain. 

3) I can recommend the following books: Julie O'Toole's book "Give food a chance" and Eva Musby's book: "Anorexia and Other Eating Disorders: How to Help Your Child Eat Well and Be Well: Practical Solutions, Compassionate Communication Tools and Emotional Support for Parents of Children and Teenagers". She also has a great website: 
https://anorexiafamily.com/ and brilliant videos:





4) Your d's weight dropped from the 90% to the 25% on the weight curve for her age. That is a lot of weight. You said you are seeing a therapist and nutritionist, but I think your d needs to be seen by a gp weekly to monitor her heart rate and blood pressure. When weight goes down all the organs (including the heart and brain) shrink and it is very hard for the heart to keep on working. If your d is dizzy she needs to see a doctor asap. If she faints take her to the emergency department immediately. Anorexia is a deadly illness, either due to heart failure or suicide. 

5) The family need to work together to fight the illness. ED will look for loopholes and pit one parent against another. You and your wife need to be a unified front against the illness. Is it possible for your wife to join this forum?  We all here had to change the way we parent. We went from a modern, democratic way of parenting to the old style 1950's parenting or as I like to call it a 'benevolent dictatorship". If the weekly appointments to the therapist is not resulting in weight gain, your d may need a higher level of care. We went to so many therapists at the beginning, but my d continued to loose weight, she ended up in the hospital with an NG tube for 2 weeks to stabilise her heart. 

6) Your d needs to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks every day. Your wife (if she is able and willing, of course) needs to choose all the meals and snacks and present them to your d. You and your wife can decide beforehand what incentives to use to get your d to eat. Here is a saying "Life stops until you eat" (LSUYE), which means nothing happens until the food goes in, no school, no socialising, no TV, no phone, nothing. It is a very hard, very long process.

7) You and your wife need to look after yourselves. Take time every day away from ED. We had a rule that after dinner, no more ED talk. Some evenings were very quiet. Watch TV or go for a walk together. Now that my d is recovered, we still have our alone time together. After dinner our daughters wash the dishes, while we go for a walk, one of my favourite activities of the day.

I know this is very hard, please posts more questions or just come here to vent, we understand.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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Mamaroo

Here is another good post on tolerating one's child's distress:

https://www.kartiniclinic.com/blog/post/tolerating-our-own-childrens-distress/


Here is a quote form one of the comments of the above post from Dr Sarah Rarvin: "Compassion and attunement to a child's feelings are wonderful traits for a parent to have, but these traits can interfere with a child's recovery. At the risk of sounding sexist, I have noticed that mothers tend to be especially prone to these traits, which are both assets and vulnerabilities. We are hard-wired to be nurturing. Fathers, on the other hand, are often very good at tolerating their child's pain and pushing ahead with what must be done. This one of the reasons why it is so important to have both parents involved in their child's treatment. Mothers and fathers often have different strengths and weaknesses, but they complement each other and work well as a team."

Also Dr Ravin has some excellent blogs:

http://www.blog.drsarahravin.com/


D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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Indy
Thank you all for your responses and time in sharing all the information!! You don't know how much it means to have others to help you through times like these. My wife goes to all the appointments and has been setting her meals for the past few months. Tonight, my daughter had another breakdown and cry session. My wife, daughter, and I layed on the bed and my W tried to get her to open up to me about what was bothering her. My D finally did, and she said she was scared. She was scared about having to be put into hospitalization. I held her and rocked her like I did when she was 3 and affirmed that we need to all work together to keep that from happening. For christmas, she got a weighted blanket and heatpad to help her sleep. Not typical gifts for an 11 year old but it's what she asked for and I would do anything to help her get through this. Thank you all again for the links, I will check them out tonight and tomorrow. I told my W that I plan on going to the library alone tomorrow to read up on some of this so I can help out more and ease some of her stress. I go to school full time while working. I have always been one to help around the house be it cleaning, cooking, getting groceries, fixing things, etc so there is not much more I can do there along with my homework. Only have 5 more months left so I cannot quit that now.
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Ronson
Hi

It might be good that she is scared of hospitalisation - you can potentially use this to get more food into her. As she has been losing weight I would set a new meal plan with higher calories. Three meals and three snacks all high in fat. Add extra calories where ever possible - we use canola oil a lot in her food to get an extra few hundred calories in a day.

It might be helpful for you and your wife to chat to the nutritionist and therapist alone and say you are concerned that d is losing weight under their care.

Also my d hated me when in the midst of things. Liked her dad though as thought with him there were ed loopholes. It seems to be quite common for Ed to play one parent off against the other. I would suspect ed is angry at you as you are rightly pushing for weight gain. When Ed is angry at you that is good - let it be angry - it’s not your daughter. Try and put on a united front with your wife. Agree a plan and stick to it - it helps.

R x
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krae
Indy it seems you are doing the best possible for your D, admitting that she was scared is huge! ED doesn't admit anything (so this was your D speaking), and ED always fights so this is a big step for her and take it as a huge step forward. 

I'm so glad she has such a caring dad, it will help her so much!
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teecee
Warm welcome from the U.K. my H was practical and we found that we both had certain ‘roles’ that we naturally fell into. Mine was cooking, dealing with professionals/appointments/organisation/educating myself about AN, as H couldn’t bear to, and his was keeping on top of ‘normal chores’ around the house plus dealing with Ds emotional meltdowns as I struggled with that. We took it in turn with sleeping with her but he was more resilient than me at that and offered to step in when I couldn’t.
Our roles have changed since the refeeding days in that I am much more hands off and he is the one taking the lead with her.
The illness will try to split you. It isolated the sufferer from friends, family etc and will try to come between you and your W to survive. Don’t let it. I know it’s hard. I have a very strong marriage (25 years together - a good life) and during this time it even had me questioning if I wanted to remain married. Now i look back and think thank goodness I made no life changing decisions whilst dealing with this vile illness as H and I are getting back on track and devoting more time to us. Your priority is D at this stage but remind each other that you love each other and there will be time for you as a couple further on down the line. It will happen have faith.
Virtual hugs and strength to you.
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tina72
Hi Indy and a very warm welcome from Germany.
It is great that you found us here although I am sorry that you need to be here. Your d is very ill. But the good news is that you can help her as a family all together and that she can recovery from that totally. Her young age is a godsend with that.

First I would like to ask what kind of therapy your d is getting. As much as you wrote about it I think it is not Family based therapy (FBT) because in that case you would not be excluded from appointments. FBT is the best evidence based therapy available at the moment and you should ask for that. If she is not receiving that at the moment, I would ask your wife for a change to FBT as the outcome with this therapy is evidence based better than with any other therapy.

If you are in the US and can go to UCSD for their one week family program to get started with FBT that would be great. If not search for a licenced FBT therapist in your region.

What your d needs now is food, food and food. She needs a meal plan and she must gain the lost weight to a normal healthy weight range again and this should be done quickly. Her brain starts rewiring and recovering after weight restoration and the longer she starvs and is malnurished the longer she is sick.
It is not easy to make them eat and gain weight but we can help you with ideas how to do that. You will need to feed her 3 meals 3 snacks and supervise her 24/7 for a long time. She might not be able to go to school. You might give up work if possible to make sure somebody is around to feed her.

Do not be afraid. I have been where you are now 2 years ago with my then 17 year old d. It took us 6 months to get all the lost weight on her again and another year to tackle all the fear food she has but now she is 2 years after diagnose and she is doing so well. She did her driving license, she finished school, she is going to University now. 2 years ago we nearly lost her to AN. Now she is a happy young woman and eats all that is put in front of her without problems.

There is hope. Do not give up. Learn and search for the "right" help and you will get your wonderful d back.
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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scaredmom

Hi Indy, 
I too am pleased you are here. You have been given great advice, support and information so far. 
My H would just follow my lead in feeding D. D hated me and H could sit with her and keep her more calm than me. He distracted her with games, ping pong when I need to cook. 

The first priority, and second and third are: she has to gain weight ASAP. What is she eating now that we can suggest how to increase the calories?

My D was almost 12 at diagnosis and to get good weight gain we had to get to 4000+ per day. 
Mamaroo's list above is great! The one thing I worry about is medical/cardiac instability and so she needs to get orthostatic BP and HR done weekly. This can help you make the decision regarding hospitalization. Do you have a medical doctor? Is your team an ED specialised team?

Hospitalisation is not a bad thing. We needed it to kick start my D's recovery. It taught me how to feed her (ie consistency, and no negotiation) what to feed her and gave me reprieve to get the house ready, take care of the other kids, sleep.  It kept my D safe while I was reeling from the diagnosis. She gained weight. If your D is losing weight, an urgent medical assessment may be in order. You need to pull out all the stops to get her to gain weight. Your goal is 0.5to1kg per week. But at the start any weight gain is important and meaningful.

Now for the dynamic in the home, this is common. Many of us have been traumatised by the refeeding and needed to get professional help (ME!). If you need to talk to someone about what you are feeling please, please, please reach out to your health care provider. If you need meds, so what, you need to get through this the best way you can. You are no good to anyone, let alone your D if you are not well and able. If you and your wife need to see a therapist, that may be needed too. 

Let us know the specific issues you are dealing with. Calories, foods, activity, depression, self harm, violence...? We can help you with that. Please keep asking questions. We really want to help. We want to make the journey a bit easier for those who are at the beginning.
XXX

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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scaredmom

I would also like to suggest that your wife visit the forum too. She may find something helpful to her here.
If she is the one making the meals she may have specific and different questions that we could help with. 

XXX

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Indy
Tina72, I'm so happy your D is doing much better now and starting college! While I am extremely concerned, I have no doubts we will all get through this TOGETHER. It is just going to be a bumpy road and I'm sure we will make a lot of mistakes. I just want to mitigate the time it takes her to recover and will do whatever possible to make that happen. At first, I thought she was doing it for attention or just to lose a few lbs (1st sign and I missed). She started to reject food like birthday cakes she had ate before. She started counting calories heavily as well. Now D smells food but doesn't eat it. She likes to smell almost all food, even my seafood which she never ate before. My W then caught her working out in her room after eating a little bit of food(sign 2). We told her if we saw that again then I would have to take the door off to keep her from burning calories. She does competition dance as well, 2-3 days a week. It is the thing most she loves, but we told her and she was in agreement that if she went under 83 lbs that we would have to pull her out of dance. She is now 80 lbs so this isn't going to be a fun choice either way. Now daddy's tough love I feel is going to hurt and I know I am going to tske the hit for being the bad guy. But I need my d more than anyone else... :-(
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Indy
Thank you all for your replies, wisdom, and words of encouragement!
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scaredmom
Indy, 
Many of us have had to stop all exercise, gym at school, recess and non-essential physical activity to start the weight gain. Is your D going to school and participating in physical activities? We had to stop everything, only when she had gained a bit a slow walk around the block, supervised was allowed. Taking away dance is not a punishment, it is part of her medicine. If she had another illness, like cancer, and was so ill, she would not be able to do dance either. Reframing it that way helped me understand that nutritional rehabilitation came first above anything else. 

Please know there are no "mistakes" here it is "feedback not failure". We learn what works and what does not in our individual situations.
All the best
XXX

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Indy
Thanks scaredmom, she does go to school. I was wondering if there was some correlation between ed and high iq kids.
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Ronson
Most ed kids tend to be high performing, perfectionist and high achievers
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Indy
Scaredmom, she has been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She only drinks water now as well. Last night she did penne pasta and a roll at dinner. Anytime she eats more than she thinks she should she breaks down and cries. She doesn't like many fruits or vegetables and has cut out all meet so getting her proteins is very difficult now.
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Ronson
Hi. - you really just need to develop a meal plan and stick to it (I know it’s not that easy) but ignore what she says she likes, wants to eat. She will struggle with everything to start off with so you may as well start on the high calorie stuff. My d is vegetarian but we ensure she eats a lot of quorn for her protein. Don’t listen to what she says now, feed her things she liked before - put it in front of her with the expectation she will eat it. Do not negotiate. It is hard and there will be fights and outbursts but I would put out the food you expect her to eat.
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KLB
Indy wrote:
Scaredmom, she has been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She only drinks water now as well. Last night she did penne pasta and a roll at dinner. Anytime she eats more than she thinks she should she breaks down and cries. She doesn't like many fruits or vegetables and has cut out all meet so getting her proteins is very difficult now.


Hello Indy. I'm sorry you are having to be here but also glad you gave found this forum. It is the place that has kept me going.

My son is (was) an elite level swimmer, his whole life has revolved around competitive swimming since he was 6 but we have had to stop all of his training and all other types of exercise to be able to get any weight gain. The more they move the more calories they need to heal and gain weight. We didn't initially stop him and struggled and struggled to get even 1 kg to stick but since we've put our foot down and really confronted the compulsion to exercise we have seen a more steady weight gain. I would urge you to stop her dancing and other exercise straight away. Be firm with the ED but gentle with her.

My s, like your d, also only drinks water, which makes it SO difficult to give enough calories as you can get lots into a drink. It's taken 5 months for our s to be able to drink something different and he still isn't able to do it consistently or normally. We are persevering.

It really is a marathon and I send you my best wishes.
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scaredmom

Indy,
I know it is so hard to confront ED with more food and you still have to do it. For that I am sorry.
I agree fully with Ronson, you need to make the meals and she has to eat it all. She will cry and try to negotiate all the food you try to give her-this is normal. Once you develop your suit of armour, and tolerate her distress, it does get easier. She needs you and your wife to stand strong and carry her through the meal. She will fight, she will throw and there may be violence when you show ED you are serious. So keep the house safe and lock things away. Have plan that if she does not eat you will supplement with food to make up or drinks or take her to the hospital. Having that plan will enable you  to feel stronger too. I would suggest all physical activity stops until she starts gaining AND maybe you need to pull her out of school She is young. My D was the same age and was out of school for 3.5 weeks and was fine. It is a matter of her health so normal life has to go out the window.. for now.

The goal is and only is : SHE HAS TO EAT AND GAIN. You will need to make that happen. It takes us awhile to get comfortable,( well that is not the right word as I don't think any one of us was ever "comfortable") but you need to tolerate her upset and push through no matter what. That will be the only way through this. It is not about making her feel good about eating- that will never happen. It is giving her her chemo, so to speak. If she had cancer would you only give her half of the dose? NOPE! You can do this, she depends on you and your wife.

I have great empathy and sympathy for how hard it is - but please, the time to act is now. Feed her more so she can gain and kick ED out of the house. High fats and high calories.

Add oils and cream and butter and cheese to all she is eating to get the calories up. You may need to challenge fear foods too, however there are many ways to do that. Some give all the foods at once - flooding and others ladder the foods ie least to most fearful to tackle that. Some have chosen to work with the foods they will eat first, gain weight back then tackle the foods they are scared of. There is no one way. But the main message I have for you is : She has to gain and you need to be firm in that. If she cannot gain in the next week or so, I would seriously consider hospitalization. It is not a failure if you cannot make her gain at home, it is a indication of how sick she is and what she needs for her health.

I know it is so yucky, it really is. We have been there and please know she is young and has a great prognosis to recover. Please let us know what we can say to help.
XXX

 

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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debra18
Putting crushed almonds into everything helps with fats, calories, and proteins.
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Indy
The only two things I know how to do well in life are be a good dad and push through anything uncomfortable. Even though this is not the idea situation, it is reality and is here so I have to approach it like I do everything else and not let it get in the way of our goals. Thanks again for the kickstart and understanding from everyone! I plan on attacking this asap and will fight with every beat my heart has to offer. We will not give in or give up on my d no matter how hard it gets or what storms roll in. Knowing that it is going to get rougher allows me to mentally plan better for it and find ways to battle ed. The near future she is going to hate us but it is what it is. I know it's just temporary and she will know in time we did what we had to do out of love
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Mamaroo
I have to agree with the others with regards to exercise and dancing. My d developed AN after starting dancing and gymnastics. She had to stop that as well as all sport activities, including physical education at school. When she gained enough to start growing again, she was allowed to return to physical education, however I have not allowed her to return to dancing or gymnastics. Some kids here were able to return to their sport/dancing, but the risk of relapse is very high if they do return; others have found other interests and hobbies for their children. I think it would be the best if both you and your wife could tell your d that dancing is cancelled until she is at least 1 year into full recovery. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the only way to get her to good health. 

I am curious about her meal plan though. You said in your first post that you are seeing a nutritionist, did she not provide your d with a meal plan? Does your wife write down everything your d has eaten and present it to the nutritionist to see where more could be added? That is what happened with us. We received a meal plan and I would mark what she had and what she didn't. If she was unable to have a meal or snack I gave her an ensure as a substitute. If she wasn't gaining the dietitian would add more. I've attached some sample meal plans for you as well as a blank one your wife can fill in. Also if your d always ate meat then she should start eating meat again. Your d can not decide what to eat. In 1873 Sir William Gull coined the term Anorexia Nervosa and here is his advice: "He believed that the inclination of the patient should in no way be consulted; and that the tendency of the medical attendant to indulge the patient ("Let her do as she likes. Don't force food."), particularly in the early stages of the condition, was dangerous and should be discouraged." from Wikipedia.

Best wishes!docx mealplan 1.docx     docx mealplan weekly.docx     docx meal plan blank.docx     
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Welcome Indy. Unfortunately recovery from an eating disorder is always uncomfortable for the patient and is nearly as uncomfortable for us as parents. One thing that I learnt along the way was learning how to deal with my own distress so I could help my D through hers. Your D's reaction of crying/ distress after eating is normal when they have an eating disorder. She is likely to be desperately hungry but once she has eaten her thoughts are likely to make her feel guilty for having done so. Staying with the plan, increasing and insisting on increasing quantities and varieties of food is essential. Learning to let her distress not distress you but find ways to distract her from her difficult thoughts - weighted blankets and warmth can be good, but also adding in watching videos, playing board games/card games, crafts - doing things as a family can be really helpful for her to know that you are there on her team. Some kids do well with praise for eating others find any reminder incredibly distressing. We can't tell you what your D needs as every kid/eating disorder is a bit different. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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WTadmin