F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Lildil
My son had a melt down this morning because he wishes just one day we could let him choose his meals and snacks. He wants to be a normal kid. I told him a normal kid would have eaten a couple donuts for breakfast and a couple after school too. I almost want to try it just so he can see that the restriction is still the tendency. What you say?
Quote
tina72
Be careful with that. It is hard to get the power back once you have losend the reign.
If he is compliant with all meals and snacks at the moment and eating with no problems you could think about letting him try to chose one snack out of 2 (or 3). In most cases that is already a challenge. My d would have stand 10 minutes in front of open fridge to chose strawberry or cherry yoghurt...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Lildil
He is not WR yet, not in my eyes.
Quote
tina72
Is he eating without problems? If not, wait. He can be "normal" in all other parts of his life but to start phase 2 too early is dangerous. I have made that mistake like many others here and it was hard for both of us to accept that we need to go back to phase 1 for some time. It feels like failure for the patient.
Tell him you will allow him to choose his snacks as soon as you see that he is in a better state, without complaining, without meltdowns, eating all that is served and also fear food.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Ocras68
I agree with Tina.  If your son is not weight restored it was the ED making him have the meltdown today.  I wouldn’t give back control even as an experiment.  If he raises the topic again, just say something like “I can see this is frustrating for you” and change the subject.  Paradoxically, the more weight my d put on, the less she cared about choosing her own snacks, as it was the ED and not her all along that was trying to drag back control.
Quote
Lildil
Tina, Ocras, I love you ladies, you are right and we may just start with a snack, I agree that it will just start to happen naturally not forced like he was trying to do this morning. Thank you so much
Lildil
Quote
Lildil
Hope I'm putting this in the right spot. Hey every one, we are to the end of our spring break and I know our son has been too active we had a lot of cattle to work and he of course wanted to help, he was like an army man jogging wherever he went, would not listen to me when I told him to walk. I tried getting my husband to talk to him and he did but it didn't seem to help. So school starts up tomorrow I'm letting him choose which day to stay home to rest. He has been begging to go out for track and I told h absolutely not, we still are trying to get those last 10 lbs on him, any way I was sick with a cold and woke up this morning to him crying and begging h to let him go to track practice today. He had several melt downs through out the day thinking we were going to drop everything and take him in. He ate super good breakfast and lunch thinking he could convince us. I told husband he has has 6 months to work on w r so he could go back to sports. I told him no way, my husband thinks it might help him be motivated to eat more. Correct me if I'm wrong but if we let him the anorexic thoughts will be ramped up or cause him to relaps, running could be the trigger. Am I doing right by him? He already hates me so it can't get any worse. I feel that the excessive movement he had this week has caused all of these outbursts today. He wants me to let him try it for a week, I told him Its too hard to take it away once you've started. Sorry for the book.
Thank you for your support and love.
Lildil
Quote
jcutch
I absolutely agree with you. I would NOT let him go to track. The compulsive exercise is so hard to stop once it gets ramped up. And yes it just feeds the anorexic cycle.   EDs are so manipulative and sneaky and you are doing a great job picking up on that. (And it is the ED that hates you - not your son. 🙁-because you are standing up to it) I have gone through similar with my son. He did compulsive jump roping, ab workouts, pushups, gym workouts. We stopped it all. He cried and begged and promised to eat more if we just let him workout a little- but we had to stop it completely to get more weight on. Now 7 months later he is in a much better place. He just asked recently if he could go to the gym. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea yet and he just said, “o.k” -( I think that may have been ED  testing the water again. )
Quote
Mamaroo
You are absolutely right in limiting his exercise. At a later stage when his thoughts are better, he will be in a better state to return to exercise. My d begged my to let her return to dancing, but I refused (her dancing was ED driven). Today she prefers gossiping with her friends to exercising. Here is a good link:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hunger-artist/201812/should-you-exercise-during-recovery-anorexia-part-1
It is better to err on the side of safety, I can't remember a lot of cases where returning to exercise led to earlier or better recovery, but I do know of many sad stories where returning to sport led to relapse. 
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
Quote
tina72
NO exercise before good WR + time x. Go with your gut, you know ED better!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Lildil
Thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement. How do I get him slowed down he either jogs or speed walkers every where and when I tell him to walk or sit down he totally ignores me. I'm keeping him home from school one day this week because of it and I've already threatened to take away two next wéek. Is there any thing else I can do? 
Quote
tina72
No walking at all if he cannot walk normal. No jogging, no walking with the dog, no walking to school. If he runs up the stairs in the house or something like that tell him that you will add all that lost energy to the next meal. Often it helped just to announce that so the exercise was useless then.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Lildil
Thank you Tina
Quote
tina72
If he cannot stop it I would definitivly take him out of school for some time x as you cannot control how much he exercises there...
Try to stop it early, it is hard to get rid of it again (see KLBs posts).
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote

        

WTadmin