F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Enn
Please tell me that they are immature with their social interactions, these kids with ED.
Bad weekend. She was jealous about two friends excluding her and then she texted some very bad things. The mother of one of the girls printed the texts out and I was horrified!! I know she may have lost these friends now, and I feel so ashamed- one of the mothers is in our social group. How could have  I have missed her behaviours!?  I thanked the one mother for telling me and I expressed that it was hard for her to tell me. We took away the phone, D wrote an apology letter to the girls- very sincere and very sorry on her own.  Never thought my D was a bully (so sad).
Feeling really anxious-we are all so socially isolated at this time.- feels like another big loss that I may not get through. 

But I am worried about her future. I know some of this is just her age etc... and H and I have really talked to her and she gets it. But I feel that I am being blamed as the bad parent in all of this.

I am sorry this may seem so trivial but to me it feels so horrid.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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OneToughMomma
Dear scaredmom,


Yes, our kids are delayed in so much of their development. Add to that the horrible anxiety, ocd tendencies and anger that they have to deal with, and you have a recipe for disaster.

All kids make mistakes. All 12 year olds are immature. I'm a teacher (and a mum of older kids) and I can tell you that what separates 'bad kids' from 'good kids' is the parenting they receive when they mess up. And you have done a beautiful job. Apologising to that mom, acknowledging how hard it must have been to speak to you, holding your d responsible, taking away her phone, and talking to her are the perfect responses. You did great.

As to her future, I know you're worried, but the fact that she wrote her letters and was sincere bodes well. In my experience kids are pretty forgiving. Just keep talking to her about what's right and wrong. Keep her weight up to promote brain healing. Keep that phone for a good long while. And let her know you will monitor it when she does get it back (some very useful apps for parents out there).

These are just my opinions and you might find a different way forward. You're a great mum and you'll do fine.

XoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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rose08
Hi Scaredmom
It is so hard to separate out the ED behaviours from the normal "preteen" stuff...but the way you handled it was spot on, taking away her phone, writing an apology letter, these are all reasonable consequences for her actions whether they are driven from her ED or not. We have been experiencing very black and white and irrational thinking / lack of impulse control from my D and this I have been told (lots of advice here) is a common trait of her illness. It seems your D's response to the situation was over-reaction (typical of ED) in her response to the perceived "wrong" they had done her. I know it doesn't change how hard it is for you as the mom who has to deal with the fallout - but (and I work with teens in my job) this is also a very common situation that non-ED kids and non-ED parents deal with, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Xx
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martican
Hi scaredmom. I think this behavior is related to kids regardless ED or not. Even some adults [smile] Although we try our best to raise them as respectful people, they take detours till they get there, and learn not to act on an impulse. How did the other mom react? Hopefully she separates your friendship and kids, and is aware we can't fully control our kids' behavior. Your D is still learning. She may have lost friends for now but maybe later that friend will forgive?
My nonED son had a sleepover - 2 friends. One friend woke up in the morning and he was missing $20 from his wallet (not sure why her brought it over). The other friend quickly went home so they went to check with him. His mom was at home, my son and the friend with missing money explained the situation, so the mom looked into her son's backpack, and $20 was there. He apologized on the spot. The boys are 13-15 y.o. They did exclude him from their circle but my son says it's not forever. As parent, I also want to teach my son that people deserve a second chance, especially if they are in the age of learning. Doesn't mean he will have him for sleepover just yet but they can give him another chance. I want them to sort it out on their own though, I just offered my opinion bc my son asked me. I know the mom of the accused boy and I know she wouldn't approve this but things happen beyond our control. I would never think she is a bad mom, nor that you are a bad mom. I am sure there are more moms thinking this way. 
It is very fresh today for you and shocking, your D did apologize, the ball is in your D's friend's court and it is just up to her for how long. I think you are an awesome mom for handling it the right way, and accepting what the other mom told you, and caring that your D becomes a respectful person [smile] xxx
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Enn

Thank you feastie friends,
I knew I could be lifted by your kindness. The mother who came to show me the pictures of the texts, said " I know about your D issues" I steered her away from the ED and said, not to bring that into it. The mother said that she would have wanted to know so that was why she was there and that it was a side of my D she did not know. She was kind, not angry. As she left, I told her that I knew it was hard for her to tell me this. She hugged me and said "We love you and your D". Although that seems nice, I felt it was pity. So maybe that is why I am so affected. Are they pitying us??? That makes me upset.

I go from being mad at D then to feeling so sad for her. The mother of the other girl sent me a text after her D got the letter my D sent. Thanked my D for the letter and that her D appreciated it. Said they need time to calm the emotions and said she wishes my D and  me the best. I feel that is a "goodbye"statement... I texted back that I was very regretful for all this and she texted back "I know". Again as I am emotionally wrought, I don't know how to take it.

I review what you all have said above and know that I could not have done more.It is D's responsibility to learn from this and I think she is understanding actions and consequences.
Love you all



When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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mjkz
It doesn't sounds like pity to me but rather understanding that your daughter is not herself right now and trying in any way they can to take the whole situation into account.  I don't know about you but I don't hug people I pity and I don't continue to communicate with them.  It sounds like a hard situation for all involved and I totally agree with OTM.  You handled it perfectly.  It sounds like a normal preteen type of mistake and as long as she learns from it, then that is the purpose of making mistakes.  Hopefully this is not the end with the two girls but if it is, then it probably needed to end for reasons other than your daughter's eating disorder. It may have become toxic for other reasons.
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martican
Going by the facts you provided without being emotionally involved, I also think that the other mom felt sorry in a humane way, not a pity. Just like you would have felt for anyone else in your situation. I think both of you handled it very well, but there is nothing else you could do now, you have done everything. We cannot be saviours all the time, unfortunately. Time will tell if the friendship will continue. I also think your emotions from today will cool down eventually. (Ah, if only I remember this advice for myself [smile]) Wishing better tomorrow!
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EC_Mom
Pity is underrated in my view. You deserve some pity--your situation with your ED d is SO hard. Pity is not so far from compassion, and kindness, and helpfulness. Smug, superior pity isn't so useful but there is a role for pity in my view. 

Meanwhile good work on this difficult stage. And yes they are immature, and can catch up!
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