F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Muminhope
This is my second time for the post. My first post was about”we are stuck now “ and I found so many great ideas. They are really so much helpful! Now, regarding this post I have some confusion and I am so struggling now for my previous faults. I am wondering what you will suggest me.
1) I used to text message to my elder D (non ED D) and asked her to encourage her sister(ED D) to take more cakes rather than only focusing on some “healthy foods” such as sea food and fruits,etc. This was seen you my ED D accidentally. 2)I sent an email to D’s dietician before to ask if it’s beneficial for me to sneak some high calories in her milk and it was seen by D also( I forgot it was in my waste inbox although I deleted after I sent it). She saw the response from the dietician that not suggested for me to do. I did apologize for several times for both of the above issues and I “promised “ her that I won’t do that without her permission. She seems to accept my apologies but every time when we have some conflicts she will say these two cases. I know she doesn’t trust me any more. I don’t know how I should do to make up my faults and repair the relationship between us.
3)One more struggling for me is that D always watch my eating when we have family meals. If she thinks I eat less than hers she is normally reluctant to take more. She knows that I ate little at night before she was sick. After she was diagnosed AN I eat a lot more. Although I told her many times that different people have their different nutrition. I told her she would not need to take the same amount of food when she is at my age. She thinks she has already more food than mine because she had 3 snacks. That’s why she always expects me to have the same amount of food of hers in 3 meals. To be honest I found she does better than a detective to watch my eating. A couple of months ago she found some rice wrapped with a tissue in a bin and showed me. I said it’s mine because I found the bottom rice was a little hard and I couldn’t eat it due to my stomach illness before. I apologized to her and committed not to do that again. I told her I am so sorry because I set a very bad example to her. Yesterday I told her and my H that I can’t take same amount of rice with them because I feel uncomfortable with my stomach these days. Both of them accepted. And tonight one drama thing happened. D complained several times that my H gave her too much food at dinner table. My H and I were quite unhappy as she switched her bowls again and again. I left the table and was back when both of them finished dinner. Then I finished eating my rest of rice. After that D texted my H tens of messages that she saw I spit out some rice in tissues. I tried to explain her that I didn’t but she insisted that. I was so upset and went out of our house until 2 hours later. When I was back I found both of her and H are waiting for me and my H told she didn’t have her evening snack until I was back. I asked D why she always watches me all time like I was a thief. She said because I spit out rice last time and she believes one time happens another time will do again. D asked me to finish my yogurt to prove that I don’t want to take less food. I refused and told her I wouldn’t need to prove that. She said since no one accompanied her to have her snack she wouldn’t have hers at all. 
Tonight I told H and her that I wouldn’t do breakfast tomorrow as the issue can’t be solved and I feel so exhausted. I am so desperate. I know it’s my fault to screw all up. But I really want to give up.
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Enn
Hi there, 
It does sound like you are having a difficult time right now. 
Your ed d's behaviour sounds perfectly normal.
As for the dietician many of us here had to do it without telling the dietitian or the team. I just did it anyway. As long as my d gained, they should not worry about how I did it. That is my feeling anyway. 
No need to apologize to your d. That was your private communication and she should not have done that. You have a right and are owed your privacy. End of. 
The relationship may be under a lot of strain for awhile. Just keep loving her and feeding. It usually gets so much better and many report (Me) that the relationship gets even better as they heal. 

Many kids will compare what others eat and say they are eating less. One way to avoid it is to say that everyone has their own needs. As for her telling h that you were spitting it out, I think I would just not say anything. there is nothing that will appease her  in that moment. You may need to eat separately from her if this becomes an issue.
Getting into discussions about food and amounts and other people spitting it out or not etc.. may not be productive. I say let it go. Just be firm with HER eating what she needs.

There is no failure here. We are all learning at the beginning there is big learning curve emotions are high, it is really scary. Give yourself some kindness. It does get better and what you are dealing with is normal. I hope that helps.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
This is not really a fault and we all made these mistakes and learned from it. We say "feedback", not "failure" here. We still learn every day with ED.
Have a seperate email account that nobody else has access to to avoid that in future. Close all sites on your PC and have your history cancelled every time you leave.

You do not need to apologize for that. You do not need to apologize for trying to save your ds life. It is needed to sneak in calories and you are allowed to lie about that. In love and ED everything is allowed said Torie recently. So true.

Your relationship is not destroyed because you try to save her life but because of ED at the moment. This will get better when she gets better. Try to be patient and compassionate and wait. It will get better again.

3) Is all ED talk. Do not engage in that. Different people have different needs and different servings. We had that problem here too with demanding to eat same amount and switching plates. I did 2 things:
1) I made her portion look smaller than mine. I made hers a little "hilly" and distributed mine a bit more on the plate so that same portion looked bigger on my plate. She never switched to a bigger looking plate.
2) I started to serve different meals. I cooked her another meal and made some fear food for hubby and me. She never switched to a fear food and it helped her to see this food and to smell it when we started to serve it to her later. When you plate different meals it is also more difficult to compare portion size. You can say your portion is containing more energy (do not use the word "calories") then hers. I could bet she will not want to switch then...🙂
Worth a try?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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MKR
Hi @Muminhope ,

You are the Parent.  Your daughter is the Child. 

She cannot oversee your eating.  You oversee her eating.  I would eat separately until she is ready for you to join her at meals. In fact, having you eat with her can be one of her rewards. 

We had a lot of bowl swapping in the beginning. So I served same for everybody.

I was soon tired of discussion how much others have or don't have in threir bowls and stopped answering to those comments.  It wasn't easy, the ED kept provoking me. Try to change the subject or watch a good TV show while eating. Comedy shows work best because they are fast. We watch them offline. Because I don't want my daughter to change to a different video on YouTube if we are online.

I am also worried how your daughter can see your emails but will not allow you near her phone!  You are the Parent and you are in charge. 

You are a good mum, doing your best for all your family.  You deserve respect. 😀
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Torie
I'm so glad you posted.  These are common difficulties, and I know many people will benefit from the discussion.  I agree with what the others have written.

Muminhope wrote:
  I don’t know how I should do to make up my faults and repair the relationship between us.

the way to repair the relationship is to get her weight up.  ED wreaks havoc on family relationships, but they usually go back to normal once ED had been vanquished.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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PurpleRain
I read recently that someone here reframed sneaking calories as fortifying meals. I loved it since I have always felt that I'm not sneaking, I'm cooking what my D needs, and she never used to care what I put in her food, my other kid (nonED) doesn't care either, if he doesn't like something (onion for example) he doesn't eat it but he doesn't accuse me of tricking him or anything like that, my D was the same before ED. It's ED who needs to know exactly what's in the food, it's ED who feels tricked, who accuses me, not my d. One of the more helpful frases that I found here is don't be afraid of what ED is afraid of. We are saving our kids, we have nothing to apologize for. Just my two cents.
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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MKR
PurpleRain wrote:
It's ED who needs to know exactly what's in the food, it's ED who feels tricked, who accuses me, not my d.


That is so true!  For years they didn't care about the ingredients then suddenly they start analysing, talking so much about calories.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Muminhope
Thank you so much for all of your responses! You’re so kind and sweet! I can have more courage to fight with ED more with having your support and being back with me. I talked with D that I would not join their meals if she always watches my eating and compares with mine. D said she’s sorry for that and asked me to join theirs and she said she will not compare with mine any more. I am happy what she said and I will see what happens next. Today’s dinner she appears quite good. No comparison no complaints just finished all of her food in front of hers which was provided by her father.
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ValentinaGermania
That is progress! ED: 0    Muminhope:1
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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MKR
Yay! Well done. I now wish my daughter could do the same... 😀.

I know she loves you and she will realise respect is important, regardless of ED.

Keep up the good work!
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Torie
Thanks for this happy report!  Glad to hear about this improvement. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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