F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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lorpat

So, my daughter has gone through weight restoring and is at a "normal" bmi of 19 (which is where she held steady for the years before the ED.  We did overshoot and even though she was eating a ton of food, she sort of slowly lost the weight and has maintained it here.  She seems happier and healthier.  we still have some serious stuff to work through (bad friend, too easily influenced by others, weak self-identity and self-care, etc.) and I still pack her school lunch for her and sort of half supervise breakfast.  Dinner/after school is on her own.  So, I guess we are in early stages of phase 2 still but maintaining.

Meanwhile, through all of this, I have so many times opened a bag of potato chips and dip or other high cal snack and eaten a lot to sort of encourage her to eat.  Problem is - I have gained a whopping 25 pounds in the last 6 months!  Ugh!

I don't want to diet in front of her but I also don't want to keep this weight on - I have gone up two dress sizes and I have to buy all new clothes....  anyone else go through this????

One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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lorpat
For me, it is a combination of stress, not sleeping, eating when I'm not even in the mood because I'm trying to not trigger D, and prepping high calorie foods all the time.  It is just really caught up with me.  Not that I care that much - but I feel really unhealthy and I have a job interview and I had to go buy all new outfit for it because I just am squeezing into everything right now.  It is frustrating to have this issue to deal with.  Ironically, foods seem to be so low in calories when you try to feed your daughter, but so many calories when I'm eating them- somehow the number changes!  Ugh!!!!  I would never wish any of this on anyone. 

I am trying to take care of myself and feeling a bit sorry for myself today.  I know this is not a helpful way to think - but I needed to share it anyway just to get it out there.  This whole thing has just drained the life out of our family in the past year and she is actually looking like she may come through it and I'm glad for her - (even though I am not thinking she is "fine" just yet - I do see hope finally).  But, the rest of the family is sort of exhausted mess.....  I guess now that she is improving, I have adjusted my focus and I can now see the wreckage.....
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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iHateED
I totally understand how you feel .... that was me too!  I was very hard on myself at first but then realized that I did what I had to do to save my D's life, and the added weight on me was a small price to pay for now seeing my D happy and healthy and away at college.   Please be kind to yourself.  You are doing hero's work to save your D from a life with ED.   I will never diet in front of my two D's (both in recovery from ED's) and I will always model that all food in moderation is OK.   I have added extra walks in my day and some time for exercise which really helps me feel better.    I definitely am a stress eater but finding new ways to relieve some stress has helped lessen my mindless eating.  
You are not alone [wave]
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mnmomUSA
Oh good heavens, yes.  I am a stress eater, and lets just say that the last three years of dealing with Damian (my D's ET monster) have been a wee bit stressful. I'm up 15-20 pounds.  Combine that with menopause (egads) and it's a bear cat losing the weight.  I don't dare "diet" in front of my D, but now that she is much better, I am trying to eat better (clean eating when she's not around, and smaller portions of the same food when she's around), and combine that with exercise (again, when she's not around).  

But, I would rather die than see her go through that again (seriously), so I don't stress about it much.  I am healthy and that's all that matters.
D, age 18, first diagnosed March 20, 2013, RAN, at age 13 Hospitalized 3 weeks for medical stability. FBT at home since.  UCSD Multi-family Intensive June 2015. We've arrived on the other side.  :-)  D at college and doing great!
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Morgana
I was just thinking about the same things this morning when I went to butter my toast and put half as much as I like, because..I dunno, I now *know* the calories in even a gram of all the butters available! 
This hyper-awareness of calorie content doesn't help and sometimes I just go "oh f*** it, I'm having extra icecream now because I deserve it after the day/hour/minute I just had" then I feel guilty (because I now know how many calories I just had) and I skimp on the next meal. 

So you're definitely not alone!
15yr old d. June 2014 stomach pain. Medical investigations until Feb 2015, referred to CAMHs dx food anxiety. Kept restricting and losing weight until July 2015, medically unstable. Began intensive re-feeding at home. Re-evaluated by psychiatrist, dx Autism Spectrum Disorder and Atypical AN.
Found out it's actually Typical AN.
IP from Oct 15, ng tube Nov. Re-started eating food July 2016. Discharged from IP August 2016 97% weight for height.
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catbells
Ditto to all of the above. I've been on leave from work since Dec to be with my d and I'm attending a works briefing on the 25th of this month. I think there'll be a few eyebrows raised when I walk in about 20lbs heavier. Aah well my d is on the road to recovery (sort of) so I class it as collateral damage! If I try and give myself smaller portions she is on to it and it's not worth the risk of jeopardising her fragile recovery.
She has gained 9kg with another 6to go but man is she starting to fight it. Getting tougher. I really will need those big girls pants and I ain't talking metaphorical ones either
Mum to 17y/o D living in England. RAN since Sept 2015. Refed at home but after getting within 3kg of WR D relapsed July 2016. hospital twice and then IP  Sept 2016 - Jan 2018. Now continuing the battle at home...
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mamabear
I think 95 percent of us gained a ton of weight. A " side effect" for us as parents. I had to drink milkshakes. I had to stop exercising. And yep- gained 30 lbs.

5 plus years in and once I finally got my own brain straightened out again and started to play tennis and hike and not have to eat things I don't want when I don't want them... I have slowly lost ten so far...

You know what? I got rid of my old clothes. I got new ones. If I ever do lose my Ed weight I will get new ones again. I am kind to myself. I am finally honestly truly at peace with myself and this body. I will never ever ever ever talk about any of it ever in front of my family.

It's hard. It sucks to not feel yourself and the consequences can be very harmful for some of us.... But we all just do our best.

Dont be too hard on yourselves
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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lorpat
Thanks for all your wonderful replies.  We all really had to put on our "big girl" pants --- literally, eh?? Ha ha!  The funny thing is, I am so aware of how much I don't care (and would have before all this happened!).  It is annoying and I don't like it - but it is not affecting my self-esteem like it may have earlier pre-ED.  I don't speak of it at all - but I am starting to take some steps while she is at school so I can eat our giant dinners together!! 

I wish you all well and I am so glad I shared this here - you guys always are so supportive and just knowing I am not alone helps me so much and brings some peace and hope.

Thanks - have a wonderful week!!
xoxox
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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trusttheprocessUSA
Yep eating with my son as he grew from a boy into a man has left me with 60 extra lbs.

Now that we are 5+ years into this and he is in solid recovery I have started walking and just finished my first 10K. I am older now and the extra weight is hard to deal with but I don't say a word about it. My walking group is social so that makes it fun. 
It has not been a trigger for him - but he has had 5 years to recover.

Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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PuddleduckNZ
In refeeding I lost a heap of weight, I was so stressed, and that would be more usual for me over gaining, but since my Son started to recover I have stacked it on and weigh more than I ever have in my life, I don't say anything either but am starting to think I better do something about it. I don't feel good at all, boohoo.
Son 9yrs when he became unwell 2013, ED slide from April 2014, dx at 10yrs July 2014, 2 hospitalisations - dx so many times Behavioural Anorexia, EDNOS, ARFID. FBT from August 2014. Anxiety, Emetophobia. 13.5yrs old now! In recovery, gets better every day with constant vigilance, life returns.
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Sotired
The skinnier my d gets the bigger my h and I get.so in our case not a badge of honour,just another bloody thing to sort out.
Sotired42
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Playball40
I'm right there too.  It's been a combination of eating with my daughter, not exercising at all, pre-menopause and quitting smoking all at once!  And I HATE that it bothers me so much.  But, I will not do anything until my daughter is healthy.
Caroline
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spring
I am with you - same as many others - eating with D, menopause ... I do not regret it, every bite is modelling a healthy relationship with food.   I try to manage my stress eating when my D is not around, some days are good, some aren't.  I try to be good to myself and not add more stress about it!

Bought some comfy stretchy jeans and have taken to wearing brightly coloured scarves which make me smile and feel fabulous.  They also hide my wrinkly neck ...  

spring
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hopefulmama
My whole life, I watched my mom struggle with her weight (100+ lbs). I was determined that I was going to have the same issues. I didn't have an eating disorder, but I definitely had some disordered ideas about food and "healthy" eating.  I also probably tended to exercise somewhat obsessively, running a few marathons, some half-marathons,etc.  I was a terrible role model for my d.  Of course, I didn't cause my d's ED in the same way that she didn't choose it. 

However, I realized pretty early on that I was going to need to drastically change the way I thought about food and exercise if I was going to help my d get into and stay in recovery. We are 4+ years out now and my d is recovered and living a life free of ED.  I weigh about 10 lbs more than I used to and up until about 6 months ago exercised irregularly. (I had gained more, but my body has adjusted back to what was probably the right weight for me over time.)  I enjoy food and meals and wine and dark chocolate. I am finally getting back into exercising 3 times a week, but I ignore the talk of calories burned and just concentrate on how good I feel post work out. The combination of extra weight and age doesn't always make looking at pictures of myself on Facebook very much fun. However, I would NEVER want to go back to the way I used to be about food and exercise and a puffier face and a fluffier body is a small price to pay for my daughter's health and happiness and her being free from ED.  When I hear people talking about dieting and "healthy" (read "restrictive") eating, I have a visceral reaction to it. 

Last month I got to spend a week with my d in South America where she was studying abroad. As I was reflecting on the joy of my trip on the long plane ride home, I thought about how many great meals we enjoyed during my time there.  My d was anxious to introduce me to new foods that had become familiar to her, but I had never tried.  I laughed when I asked her to order us wine and she ordered a bottle instead of individual glasses.  She said that was the only way they drink wine there. I can honestly say that our meals together enhanced my trip greatly something I could never have even thought possible when my d was sick. If I had not been able to change my thinking, that never could have happened.

Having said all of that, there was a time when my d was in the depth of her ED that she demanded that I eat the exact same as her.  Our very wise family t helped my d to see that I was a middle aged woman who did NOT have an ED and therefore did not have the same caloric needs as my d did. This wasn't a license for me to diet (even if I had the heart for it) but rather a way for my d to get used to the idea that she is always going to be different.  She can never decide to become a vegetarian or vegan or decide to give up sugar.  Her ED history make that a recipe for disaster. 

It has been hard for me, I get it.  I just try to focus on my d's health and then it doesn't seem to bother me as much. 

Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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StepbyStep
I thought it was just me. Reassuring to see so many others in the same boat. I really, really thought it was just me. I have also gained loads of weight and gone up two sizes. I have given up alcohol and have started walking in an effort to lose weight without it being obvious to my D. I have cut down on food when she is in college but never at home. It will take some time but I am hoping these small changes will help. Walking is good exercise and also a form of mindfulness so is good for the soul as well with all of us being pretty stressed, it's a good stress buster.

Hang in there lorpat and ladies it's tough but at the end of the day we are helping our children and that's what's important.
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Linedupandwaiting
I'm in the same boat! Not good, but better than the alternative....
Eternally hopeful
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floating
Puddleduck glad I am not alone................

Unfortunately Lorpat the opposite has happened for me and I have lost too much over last 9 months..........
Been same weight for past 20 years at least and was never thin person just average

And stress and huge anxiety/no sleep has caused big loss
I am very concerned as this is not good whilst caring for child with AN
Though she has not noticed it is very concerning

Hopefully when D is safe I can begin to heal



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mjkz
Quote:
 Our very wise family t helped my d to see that I was a middle aged woman who did NOT have an ED and therefore did not have the same caloric needs as my d did. This wasn't a license for me to diet (even if I had the heart for it) but rather a way for my d to get used to the idea that she is always going to be different.  She can never decide to become a vegetarian or vegan or decide to give up sugar.  Her ED history make that a recipe for disaster.


That is exactly what our family therapist did.  I am not my daughter and she is not me.  We both have very different needs and it really helped cut down on the comparisons and the "why do I have to eat this way and not you?" (Note it didn't cut out all of them).  My daughter and I also have different food intolerances too so it made it not possible to eat exactly the same. Sometimes for health reasons we can't eat the same as our kids and they need to learn that everyone is different and has different needs.
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ooKoo
[rolleyes] Urgh, another member of this particular club.

I didn't care much until I saw a photo of myself whilst on a mini break a couple of weeks ago.  I was the only one out of 6 of us ladies (all shapes and sizes and all over 40) that wouldn't wear by swimming costume, and stayed wrapped up in a huge maxi dress - this isn't like me at all.  I have always been average sized, but feel very unhealthy and sluggish at the moment. 

So, of course, I am not "dieting" but I am not buying any extra snacks/choc at the moment - as my D just wants to binge on them anyway - so we are all benefitting.  The other change I am making is not reaching for a glass of wine in evenings - which was always just a stress reaction anyway.  It has only been just under two weeks and I feel better already to be honest. 

I was worried that my D would notices these changes, but then I remembered that she is 16 and actually doesn't notice anything about me whatsoever! [biggrin]

UK - South East

19 yo D

Dx AN Feb 2015 (Aged 15). Pre-existing low self-esteen and high anxiety. 

2015: 3 x medical hospital admissions. 1 month in IP which she self discharged from [eek].
2016: 3 x hospital admissions. 
2017: CAMHS CBT. WR, dropped out of 2 different colleges and started an apprenticeship.  Started having grand mal seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy in Nov 2017. Sacked from job because of this.  Tribunal ensued.
2018 - doing a Psychology degree through Open University and working in retail to pay her way in life. Relapses with eating disorder in June 18 and Nov 18 😢. 

On particularly rough days when I am sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. [Author Unknown]
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pipes2406
I'm joining that club too! 3 years of fighting this illness has played havoc with my waist line! But there'll be time at some point in the future to deal with that - I don't have the strength or inclination to worry about that just now.

I also want to add how grateful I am to all you wonderful and inspiring folk for giving me the strength to get through each day. How I wish we weren't here at all, but I am also glad that you are, I wouldn't have got through the last 6 months without your support, suggestions and words of wisdom. X
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