F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Diagnosed in June 2015 and been refeeding ever since with some ups and downs. Now just weight restored and grown 2cms plus had 3 periods. Lowest weight 35kg now 48kg. We have been through the fear of 46kg then 47kg and now the terror of going over 48kg is causing unbelievable stress. Still she complies with all foods given and is really enjoying things again. I have just been pushing on with the food despite her begging me to reduce calories and making me promise she wont put on any more weight. If I am honest and tell the truth she goes into full blown meltdown so I have to lie and she accepts this knowing I am not being truthful. Cant help feeling this is wrong but it seems to be the only way to save her from the terror of the ED. Mood swings are unbelievable. One minute things are fine and then a wrong word (literally one word e.g. the word OK is a BIG no no!!!) and she is like a person possessed by a demon. Sometimes its hard to bear and as I am a single parent have noone to share the load. My older daughter has to endure this too and is struggling. She is also a poor eater and always has been and this is a huge issue for my ED daughter who sees this as a betrayal. It is so hard to keep going sometimes. I am already on anti depressants but the last few days have seriously felt like driving the car into a wall. (Didnt tho!) Have recently returned to work which is hard too and wondering if I can cope with it all but cant afford any more time off. Juts wondering how to get through these last few kilos and wondering if things will ever get better. There are so many positives and I know I am lucky she is still here but feel worn down. I know the ED is trying to grind me down and am trying to stay strong. Sorry to moan x 

I can relate so much to what your going through just now, I haven't got much advice as I'm still learning and fairly new to this. But reading through lots of posts here has helped me stay strong and keep going.

Sorry I've not much to give, but stay strong and always have faith that ur d will come through this. I've had days I've nearly given up, but if we do that were letting ed win!

Sending u warm thoughts xx
Good for you to keep fighting for your d, Rosalind! Samurai

Your message reminds me of something I read here once: Fighting this vile illness is like climbing a sand dune. If you don't make it all the way to the top, you're in real danger of settling all the way back to the bottom. I know you already realize that so I doubt it's a helpful reminder, but perhaps someone reading will find it useful.

The last bit is so hard and so traumatic for all involved, but it really does get better once you reach the top of the dune. I wonder if there is anyone who could help out a bit - friends, family, church, etc. to do a little shopping or at least take non-Ed d to an event. Maybe you could hire an older girl to help with errands once in a while? It's true what they say about making sure your own oxygen mask is on ... wish I had a way to help out myself. 

Hang in there! It really does get better. xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Thank you both. I know there is no way back and will not let that happen. So hard to see the look of absolute terror as the weight goes up and I am told it's all my fault. I have to keep telling myself this is ED talking and it's really mad right now so I'm trying to keep feeding to show it that it can't scare me off! Hope that helps any one out there going through this. It's so great to have this forum as it's hard to talk to friends as they try but don't really understand. Have great family and friends but my non ED daughter I know really wants time with me. My ED daughter has to be kept busy constantly which Is exhausting! Anyone else had this? X

OK, how about this:

Option 1:

d: Promise I won't gain any more weight! Promise, promise!
M: I promise I will give you exactly what you need.


Option 2:

d: Promise I won't gain any more weight! Promise, promise!
M: You sound really anxious/angry/scared. (Name and bring her attention to her emotion, which is important, not the irrational thought.)

M: Is that right? (See if you can get your d to say how she feels, eg "I feel ....." Naming an emotion is a very effective way of lessening its intensity.) (Ps. "I feel fat" doesn't count. It has to be an emotion word.)

M: OK, take a moment and see if you can notice (and/or describe) how that emotion feels in your body. (Noticing tightness in the throat, raised shoulders, etc can also really help lessen the intensity of the emotion.)

The second option is straight from Tamar Chansky and from our therapist and CBT.

Focusing on the emotion, which is real, also has the benefit of taking focus away from the irrational discussion, which you will never ever win.

Even if you say these things and your d screams at you, keep saying them. You can also explain, at a calm time, that learning to notice and express her emotions will really, really help her feel better. Also, do tell her that how she feels now is temporary, and that she WILL feel better. I told my d I consulted with parents from all over the world and they said x and x and y (whatever I wanted her to know). This also helped both d and I feel more confident. We are experts here!!

Weekly weighings were BY FAR the WORST time of our week as well. MY h would leave the house. I'd be awake the whole night beforehand, thinking up reasons I didn't have to do it the next morning....My d had it stuck in her head that 133 was what she should weigh. So when she went above that....oh my. And one week she'd gained three pounds and was 138, and THAT sent the china flying and a full vase shattered, water and flowers and bits of pottery everywhere and we both cried for hours. 

It gets better. Keep going, you're doing great. It really does get better.

best wishes,

D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.